Pay for kid that doesn't live at home?

[DisLiss]

It's totally up to you and it doesn't have to be either/or (You pay or she pays.). It can be a middle of the road deal where you say to her "We're planning a Disney trip. If you'd like to come along we'll cover A,B, &C and you'll be responsible for X,Y,& Z." Or you can say "If you're willing to stay in our room/suite, then we'll cover that, but if you want your own room you need to pay for that on your own." There are countless possibilities and it all depends on what you are able to do, what you want to do, and what she is able and willing to do. (Also, it may depend on her work/school schedule at the time. Younger employees often are at the bottom of the heap when it comes to choosing vacation time.)

I hope if she does want to come along you can all figure out a plan that works well for everyone.

(I do agree that plans can change pretty rapidly and last minute with young adults, so make sure she knows the latest dates she can cancel or change her plans to avoid anyone being hit with penalties for last minute cancellations.)

 

[DisLiss]

19 is an adult - and if she wants to play house with her boyfriend, then treat her an adult - if she wants to go, then she needs to pay her way.

This is coming from the person who was married at 19

Adults can treat other adults and adults can enjoy being treated; and kids can earn & save their own money for a trip, so I think age is irrelevant in terms of who pays.

I know, for instance, that if I ever wanted my parents to go to WDW with us, we'd have to treat them, because they'd never be willing to shell out the bucks for a Disney trip, even though they can afford it. The sticker shock for "an amusement park" (Yeah, they've never been to Disney and are not Disney people. ) would be too great for them to even consider paying to go.) On the flip side, my parents always treat us to a few aspects of any shared vacation we go on to other locations.

 

[Rory607]

My opinion is if you can afford it, pay her way. I’m assuming you all get along and her moving out isn’t a sore subject?

Everyone’s finances are different. When we did Disney with my in-laws we paid our own way. They can’t pay everyone’s way and we would never expect it. When we went with my dad he paid for most of the trip because he wanted to and we know he can afford it. He says it’s a gift for him to be able to vacation together.

 

[Allison]

I would pay for her.

 

[Christine]

My opinion is if you can afford it, pay her way. I’m assuming you all get along and her moving out isn’t a sore subject?

Everyone’s finances are different. When we did Disney with my in-laws we paid our own way. They can’t pay everyone’s way and we would never expect it. When we went with my dad he paid for most of the trip because he wanted to and we know he can afford it. He says it’s a gift for him to be able to vacation together.

That's exactly how I feel. My *kids* are 23 and 27. Neither are married. They both have decent jobs and live on their own; however, they use their money for the stuff they like to do. They still love Disney but can't afford a trip like that. I am still thrilled that they want to go with me and I really enjoy having them so I do whatever it takes to get them there with me. It is a gift to me!

 

[cruisin5]

Assuming your daughter is making responsible decisions I would pay for her trip. Now, if she's calling in sick to work/not working and asks you for car insurance/rent/food/heat money then NOPE. I have an adult daughter falling into the latter category, sons are in the former. Chances are you won't have many more trips with her as she gets older and busier with her job and family.

 

[SL6827]

I am going to have this issue with this kid here in my profile pic. She will want to "hop on that bus" every single time I go, for the rest of my life. The older one, nah, she doesn't care about Disney that much.

 

[marchingstar]

Assuming your daughter is making responsible decisions I would pay for her trip. Now, if she's calling in sick to work/not working and asks you for car insurance/rent/food/heat money then NOPE. I have an adult daughter falling into the latter category, sons are in the former. Chances are you won't have many more trips with her as she gets older and busier with her job and family.

If you were trying to put together a family trip, would your feelings about how responsible each kid is impact whether you offered to pay their way? Would you pay for your sons but not your daughter?

I’m asking honestly it’s not a position I’ve ever been in.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Was this trip planned before she decided to move in with her boyfriend? Was she included at that point? If it was and she was then I think you should pay...

I agree. If this was planned when she was still living with you, and she was to go on your dime then, I would still pay for flights/hotel/meals. (Spending money would be on her own - but we do that with DS anyway, and he's younger and lives here.)

 

[rg35]

Where your daughter is living doesn't matter and shouldn't factor into this decision at all.

Parental relationships are best when love is unconditional. Paying for the trip or not because she's living with her boyfriend adds a condition to your relationship with her. "If you were at home, I'd pay but since you moved out, too bad." That's a bad approach to the situation and will only create animosity.

A few other posters seem to think this an opportunity for some kind of "teaching moment" about saving for big ticket expenditures. It's not. Financial smarts is something taught over a lifetime of being an example of good decision making, not by deciding to pay for your daughter for one family vacation once she became an adult.

I assume that you have a good relationship with your daughter and love her very much. Invite her on the trip, tell her that if she is coming it's your treat. Maybe she can pay for her meals or incidentals while on the trip. I'm assuming that as a 19 year old she's either a student with a low paying job on her way to loads of student loan debt, or working full time and not making much money there either. It could be her vacation for a while. It might be one of the last trips you take together. I'm in my 40's and my family and my parents still vacation together (and actually enjoy it!), but not every family is like this. Make the most of the time you have while you have it.

 

[robinb]

That's exactly how I feel. My *kids* are 23 and 27. Neither are married. They both have decent jobs and live on their own; however, they use their money for the stuff they like to do. They still love Disney but can't afford a trip like that. I am still thrilled that they want to go with me and I really enjoy having them so I do whatever it takes to get them there with me. It is a gift to me!

I invited my DD and her BF to go with us in January of this year. My DD19 is an only child and in the past we asked that friends pay something for the vacation, usually airfare or park passes. I asked that her BF pay for his park passes. That said, "No thank you. He can't afford it." So, she and her BF went somewhere else on their own and my DH and I went to WDW without her. I missed her terribly! So, I learned my lesson that we would have to pay for everything.

 

[cruisin5]

If you were trying to put together a family trip, would your feelings about how responsible each kid is impact whether you offered to pay their way? Would you pay for your sons but not your daughter?

I’m asking honestly it’s not a position I’ve ever been in.

She's made a long streak of bad decisions, including four children and she's older than the boys who are in college. It's easy to feel we don't have "treat her to a vacation" as she gets other stuff like school clothes for the kids/money for Christmas presents. And, honestly, she's not such a nice person to be around. Plus, I'm not interested to watch her kids on vacation cause lordy lordy she has no interest in watching those kids and she likes to yell at the rest of us when we ask her kids to get down from standing on the kitchen table!

Kids are 20, 30 and 39. The 30 and 39-year-old are my stepkids. The 30-year-old is *still* in college and lives with us on breaks.

 

[marchingstar]

She's made a long streak of bad decisions, including four children and she's older than the boys who are in college. It's easy to feel we don't have "treat her to a vacation" as she gets other stuff like school clothes for the kids/money for Christmas presents. And, honestly, she's not such a nice person to be around. Plus, I'm not interested to watch her kids on vacation cause lordy lordy she has no interest in watching those kids and she likes to yell at the rest of us when we ask her kids to get down from standing on the kitchen table!

Kids are 20, 30 and 39. The 30 and 39-year-old are my stepkids. The 30-year-old is *still* in college and lives with us on breaks.

thanks for explaining. it sounds like big family vacations aren’t something you want, which would really change things too.

 

[nuclearturtle]

We always pay for our older children to go.

 

[DISNEY1975]

I, Mama Bear, would pay...and buy all their souvenirs, and pay for their haircuts before we went, and buy them all new clothes and shoes and give them spending money while we were there. Of course, I would have to do all this behind my husbands back

 

[bfair]

We just went through this decision. Our daughter is 22 and has not lived at home in several years. She is mainly independent, lives I her own and lays her own rent and bills. We still pay her phone, car insurance and school, she’s in community college.

Our son is 18 and lived at home, just graduated high school and is starting college in August, part time. He works full time but we cover most of his expenses.

We recently planned a trip in January 2020. We knew for us that it was more important that both kids were there. We also knew they would not be going otherwise. We are paying for both to go.

Our decision came down to the fact that we want them to go so we paid for it and then told them they were going.

 

[Fred M]

I’m of two thoughts on this.

The first is that if you want your daughter to go, I agree with everyone else that you should expect to pay for her trip. And that’s a personal decision only you can make.

The other is that if your daughter expects to go, e.g. she has younger siblings who are going, then that’s where you have the discussion with her about what your expectations are for her as an adult when it comes to family travel, e.g. you expect her to pay her own way, you expect her to pay half, you will pay for her but only her, you will pay for her and one friend, and so on.

At 19 I would have never assumed that my parent’s vacation had to include me. But if they asked me to go, I’d be delighted!

 

[mister morrow]

i just turned 18 and my parents pay for my siblings and i (which i am extremely grateful for) when we go on vacation (including my 20 year old sister). however, if any of us bring someone along, that person pays for their own flight to and from.

i would definitely pay for your daughter.

 

[sk!mom]

19 is an adult - and if she wants to play house with her boyfriend, then treat her an adult - if she wants to go, then she needs to pay her way.

This is coming from the person who was married at 19

I wondered how long it would take for someone to try and shame the DD.
You do realize that young adults living together is normal to many of us, right?

OP, I’m another vote for do what you want. Once kids are adults there is no, “right” in this issue. DH and I came from poor families who rarely vacationed so we were never treated by our parents. We have treated our adult children on occasion. Sometimes fully and sometimes covering part.

The reality is that many young adults wouldn’t choose to spend their limited resources and limited vacation time to vacation with parents but if parents are offering a free oR partially free trip then...maybe they do want to go.

 

[mjkacmom]

Actually, my parents paid for us (family of 7) to go on vacation with them several times (beach, WDW, cruises) because they wanted to vacation with their grandkids, and had the means to do so. My sister never wanted to vacation with them.