How to get out of Christmas--UPDATED OCT 1 page 5

[manning]

Quandria

What have lost?....... NOTHING

What have you gained? ...... PEACE

 

[manning]

A post mentioned about driving 45 I minutes to referee sister marriage

Had an ex SIL wanted me to do that.

Told her I was too busy with my marriage and they were 10 minutes away.

Never got that request again

 

[quandrea]

A post mentioned about driving 45 I minutes to referee sister marriage

Had an ex SIL wanted me to do that.

Told her I was too busy with my marriage and they were 10 minutes away.

Never got that request again

Not my sister's marriage, but rather a fight between my abusive brother and younger sister. Your comment still applies though. That was a few weeks into my marriage. Dh didn't like it. The longer I've been married, the more independent and separate from my family of origin I've become (as it should be).

 

[amberpi]

Not my sister's marriage, but rather a fight between my abusive brother and younger sister. Your comment still applies though. That was a few weeks into my marriage. Dh didn't like it. The longer I've been married, the more independent and separate from my family of origin I've become (as it should be).

It sounds like despite the fact that the situation is hard and heartbreaking in some regards, you have a great perspective and are doing what you need to for your family. It also sounds like your DH is an absolute keeper in helping you break away from this toxicity on your timeline so that you can truly be at peace with it.

Wishes for a fantastic holiday!

 

[quandrea]

It sounds like despite the fact that the situation is hard and heartbreaking in some regards, you have a great perspective and are doing what you need to for your family. It also sounds like your DH is an absolute keeper in helping you break away from this toxicity on your timeline so that you can truly be at peace with it.

Wishes for a fantastic holiday!

Thank Amberpi! He is a keeper. I've always said he is the most ethical, honourable, rational person I've ever met. He has been so patient and helped me every step of the way.

 

[quandrea]

Heard back via email. The older of my two sisters (two years my junior) sent an email thanking me for letting them know. Just that sentence, no salutation or closing.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Heard back via email. The older of my two sisters (two years my junior) sent an email thanking me for letting them know. Just that sentence, no salutation or closing.

Cool, now put it out of your mind. (And update us when one of your estranged family members comes down with an acute case of Christmas Cancer and everyone's blaming you for tearing the family apart. Because I highly doubt this will be the last you hear from them.)

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just posting to see if anyone has any advice on how I might get out of hosting/spending Christmas Eve with my sisters.

We have a very strained relationship due to a split in the family that occurred almost three years ago.

Additionally, my youngest sister completely ignored the birthdays of my husband, daughter and twins this year. Even a text would have sufficed and it's left me very hurt. I plan on speaking to her about this the next time she gets in touch. So not sure what the outcome of that conversation will be.

As a result I really don't feel like spending this special day with them but I'm not sure how to approach the issue.

If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

Sent the email today. Haven't heard back yet.

I am back from vacay...ready to lay advice on you.

My first rule is when you look back MANY YRS from now, what do you want to see?

The reason this is my first stop on the advice train, because I want you to engage your mind and tell your emotions to shut up. Ruling yourself solely on emotion can have some nasty side effects that you might not want for your life. You are in pain and will continue to be in pain along this path. It is just a little life check.

Holidays are NOT the time to heal rifts. So if you are interested in healing a rift, you call them and tell them that. Talk to them NOW. Try with every fiber of your being. Pour your guts out and see where it leads.

If upon plenty of deep thinking and soul searching you are not interested in healing the rift, you can just call them and be direct.

Tell them I no longer want a relationship right now and then you are FREE. Tell them what you told us here. In all fairness, until you tell them what is going on in your head, they do not know. They might not even care. (Don't skip this step if you can help it, because it really can give you closure if you need it. The b-day greetings pain is an indicator you still want connection and they may already have cut you loose first. Find out if it is "official".)

You are in agony because you want both. You want things to go back to what they were. You can't have that. You have to form new pathways in your family relationships.

It sucks. I have done this more times that I care to count over many things. Once you start stretching those muscles you get better at it. You just have to work it.

I suggest calling them instead of emailing. Emails can be taken the wrong way over emotional topics.

Good Luck with your family.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Heard back via email. The older of my two sisters (two years my junior) sent an email thanking me for letting them know. Just that sentence, no salutation or closing.

I hope you have peace with your decision. I posted earlier that I have made a similar decision regarding part of my family, and this may be the last you hear from them. I ran into my mother (bio mom, my grandparents raised me) at the grocery store in my town around Christmas last year. I turned into an aisle, and she was at the end of it, the first time I had seen her since my papa's funeral the January before). As I was trying to figure out what to say, she turned and went the other way.

My kids and I are free from her emotional abuse and the many other things she did, and I don't regret it at all.

 

[paisleys]

I hope you have peace with your decision. I posted earlier that I have made a similar decision regarding part of my family, and this may be the last you hear from them. I ran into my mother (bio mom, my grandparents raised me) at the grocery store in my town around Christmas last year. I turned into an aisle, and she was at the end of it, the first time I had seen her since my papa's funeral the January before). As I was trying to figure out what to say, she turned and went the other way.

My kids and I are free from her emotional abuse and the many other things she did, and I don't regret it at all.

I always think it's just me with issues like this. My family lives around 2 hours away and I would totally have a similar grocery store experience to yours with my mother. Life is too short to spend with toxic people, especially holidays. I drove my girls the 4+ hour round trip up to visit my brother and SIL a couple of months ago and it was pure insanity. I had to listen to scary stories about my mother plus my brother and SIL upset my girls with arguing off and on the 7 hours we were there. My daughters would try to change the subject but they were both like dogs with bones. The clincher was when my brother snapped at all of us on the way into a restaurant, then left for awhile after we ordered food. We sat there and waited. I'm sure they thought the visit went great because it's their normal, but my daughters were bewildered and asking a lot of questions the whole way home. We vacationed right near them last weekend but didn't call. My girls will only be young for a short while, this strife will not be allowed to interfere with our vacations or holidays. Too precious! I hope the OP takes a deep breath and puts her foot down.

 

[SharonZ]

Just think about how much you will enjoy starting new holiday traditions with your husband and children!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thank you for the quick update!

Again, I am sending hugs... I know that this must be hard!!!
If you are managing thru without any fallout, I wonder about any emotional toll that you might experience over the Holidays.
(assuming that this is the last you hear from them... for now...)

And, I too am sending my good thoughts, and how I would be very proud of how you are handling all of this.
Seems most everyone here is behind you, and in pretty close agreement.
I only have one slight thought about one recent comment.

If you are deciding not to reach out to them, to try to continue some kind of relationship...
I would simply back away....
No need to contact them and make any statement... No 'grand exit', so to speak.
Sometimes there is the desire to have one's say, to have the last-word.
But, it is not necessary... and not always a good thing.

I hope you are making some wonderful plans with your family for the Holidays!!!