How fast it all changed.

[Wendy31]

Thank you all so very much! You don't know how much it helps to ready your words of care and support.

DH was trying to text me, not very successfully early this morning and then ended up calling. He wanted to leave. Had tried to get up and get his clothes which set his bed alarm off. When the nurses went running he said it sounded like the police were after him. They said yes, the bed police. He wanted his clothes and said he'd just use the bathroom first. That tired him enough that he decided to go back to bed. They adjusted meds and got him comfortable and the anxiety / agitation under control. He was sleeping when I arrived. They took me in to let me know what they were seeing. I can see it too. His colour has changed - he's grey now. They believe we are in the final days. I had come to that conclusion also. The kids want to be there at the end, so I'm allowing it. Just need to get a better gauge when to bring them since both are sick. At some point it won't matter but I still feel like for another day or two it would. I hope they have the medication adjusted enough now that the kids won't see the agitation. He woke up and asked the nurse if he was dying earlier. I think he's really confused now.

We had just finished that conversation when DD texted that she thought she was going to be sick and could I pick her up from school. Which I did and am home for a minute after dropping her off. Spoke with dad who is making the calls, although he said several people have suggested a celebration of life rather than funeral. I need more info but kind of like the sound of that better. He'll let me know more detail later. I'm heading back now.

I am so, so sorry.

My father-in-law passed away after being w/ at-home hospice care for about 5 months or so. He passed away this past Saturday (4/7). We knew it was coming, & it was expected. However, it's still never easy. And, for DH & myself, this was a parent - not a spouse. I know losing a spouse would be so much more difficult.

The hospice care nurses were wonderful. About 2 weeks ago, they told us it wouldn't be much longer. At the end, they told us he had about 72 more hours. After he had passed, we added it up, &, from the time they told us 72 hours, it was 69 hours.

Anyway, we didn't have a "funeral" either, but a "Celebration of Life" service. Our youngest child is younger than your children, but, for whatever reason, knowing it was a "Celebration of Life" service for his Papa was easier for him to handle than it being a "funeral". We had visitation this past Monday (4/9), & the "Celebration of Life" service was the next day, Tuesday (4/10). On Monday evening after the visitation after our youngest child had already gone to bed, he got back out of bed & came to tell me that he didn't want to go to the "funeral" the next day. I knew both DH & his mother really wanted him to be there, so we talked a few minutes about what the service would be like. When I told him it wasn't a funeral but a "Celebration of Life" service, that made him feel so much better about the whole thing. (He also didn't want to see his Papa get buried, so I promised him he wouldn't have to.)

In his last few days, my father-in-law was on continuous morphine & was not aware of anything going on around him. However, my mother-in-law is very much a people person, & we had family & friends in & out of their house all last week - seeing all their family & friends was a comfort for my mother-in-law. She spent her time sitting beside my father-in-law's bedside & talking w/ family & friends while we (her sons & daughters-in-law) acted as hosts/hostesses & answered the phone & managed the household. I say all that to say... please don't neglect yourself & what will bring you comfort in the remaining time either.

 

[PixiebabyMom]

Thank you all so very much! You don't know how much it helps to ready your words of care and support.

DH was trying to text me, not very successfully early this morning and then ended up calling. He wanted to leave. Had tried to get up and get his clothes which set his bed alarm off. When the nurses went running he said it sounded like the police were after him. They said yes, the bed police. He wanted his clothes and said he'd just use the bathroom first. That tired him enough that he decided to go back to bed. They adjusted meds and got him comfortable and the anxiety / agitation under control. He was sleeping when I arrived. They took me in to let me know what they were seeing. I can see it too. His colour has changed - he's grey now. They believe we are in the final days. I had come to that conclusion also. The kids want to be there at the end, so I'm allowing it. Just need to get a better gauge when to bring them since both are sick. At some point it won't matter but I still feel like for another day or two it would. I hope they have the medication adjusted enough now that the kids won't see the agitation. He woke up and asked the nurse if he was dying earlier. I think he's really confused now.

We had just finished that conversation when DD texted that she thought she was going to be sick and could I pick her up from school. Which I did and am home for a minute after dropping her off. Spoke with dad who is making the calls, although he said several people have suggested a celebration of life rather than funeral. I need more info but kind of like the sound of that better. He'll let me know more detail later. I'm heading back now.

Thank you all so very much! You don't know how much it helps to ready your words of care and support.

DH was trying to text me, not very successfully early this morning and then ended up calling. He wanted to leave. Had tried to get up and get his clothes which set his bed alarm off. When the nurses went running he said it sounded like the police were after him. They said yes, the bed police. He wanted his clothes and said he'd just use the bathroom first. That tired him enough that he decided to go back to bed. They adjusted meds and got him comfortable and the anxiety / agitation under control. He was sleeping when I arrived. They took me in to let me know what they were seeing. I can see it too. His colour has changed - he's grey now. They believe we are in the final days. I had come to that conclusion also. The kids want to be there at the end, so I'm allowing it. Just need to get a better gauge when to bring them since both are sick. At some point it won't matter but I still feel like for another day or two it would. I hope they have the medication adjusted enough now that the kids won't see the agitation. He woke up and asked the nurse if he was dying earlier. I think he's really confused now.

We had just finished that conversation when DD texted that she thought she was going to be sick and could I pick her up from school. Which I did and am home for a minute after dropping her off. Spoke with dad who is making the calls, although he said several people have suggested a celebration of life rather than funeral. I need more info but kind of like the sound of that better. He'll let me know more detail later. I'm heading back now.

 

[macraven]

Been reading since you started the thread and always have you and family in my prayers

It’s not easy I know
Went thru hospice with my mom so I understand what you went thru to make the decision

 

[fhtpdw20]

Most hospice have an after care grief program for the family. Please check into this for yourself and family. As hard as it is, this fast progressing may be a blessing in disguise. The head might be able to accept what is happening but the heart takes a long while to catch up. It is very hard to watch a loved one decline and suffer over a long period of time. If you have a bunch of old family pictures in boxes, now might be a good time for you, kids and DH if he is up to it to do a photo album or scrapbook to focus on now while you can share memories. It can be used in your life celebration later. Hang in there, you are not alone.

 

[leebee]

Talk with the hospice staff. Ask them if it's OK to bring your children in now rather than waiting. Tell the staff of your concerns- the kids' health, their father's agitation, etc., and ask for their recommendations. This is a hard time, and my heart is breaking for you; I couldn't respond with more earlier as I was in lecture, fighting tears for your family. As awful and heartbreaking as this is, if your kids want to be there and your husband is OK with it, then that's where they should be. You are a family, in this together. Love every minute of each other, immerse yourselves in being together. Know that all of us are sending you our positive thoughts and energy, love and prayers.

 

[Ngwira]

I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[AndreaDM]

I have nothing to add but my sincere thoughts and virtual hugs to you and your children. Hoping for peace & comfort for all of you.

 

[Neesy228]

My thoughts are with your family over these days, rodeo.

I can’t imagine traveling the path you have over the past month and still holding my head above water. I wish you and your children continued strength and your husband comfort in the time ahead.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Thank you all so very much! You don't know how much it helps to ready your words of care and support.

DH was trying to text me, not very successfully early this morning and then ended up calling. He wanted to leave. Had tried to get up and get his clothes which set his bed alarm off. When the nurses went running he said it sounded like the police were after him. They said yes, the bed police. He wanted his clothes and said he'd just use the bathroom first. That tired him enough that he decided to go back to bed. They adjusted meds and got him comfortable and the anxiety / agitation under control. He was sleeping when I arrived. They took me in to let me know what they were seeing. I can see it too. His colour has changed - he's grey now. They believe we are in the final days. I had come to that conclusion also. The kids want to be there at the end, so I'm allowing it. Just need to get a better gauge when to bring them since both are sick. At some point it won't matter but I still feel like for another day or two it would. I hope they have the medication adjusted enough now that the kids won't see the agitation. He woke up and asked the nurse if he was dying earlier. I think he's really confused now.

We had just finished that conversation when DD texted that she thought she was going to be sick and could I pick her up from school. Which I did and am home for a minute after dropping her off. Spoke with dad who is making the calls, although he said several people have suggested a celebration of life rather than funeral. I need more info but kind of like the sound of that better. He'll let me know more detail later. I'm heading back now.

I'm so sad for you rodeo. I hate to give advice for this situation but I would allow your kids to visit now and not wait. Major hugs to you and yours.

Also, I love the idea of a celebration of life as opposed to a funeral. That's amazing and I will remember that. Thank you.

 

[ls1222]

My heart is breaking for you and your family. I so admire the strength and courage that you have shown us all. You and your family are in my thoughts many times a day. I pray for peace for you. Thank you for taking the time to update us and reminding us just how very fast life can change.

 

[Lynne G]

Sending hugs and wishes of peace and comfort for your whole family Rodeo.

 

[Owlpost23]

Your grace and articulation of this has been absolutely amazing.I'm thinking of you and your family daily.Wishing you comfort and kindness in abundance during this difficult time...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

DH was trying to text me, not very successfully early this morning and then ended up calling. He wanted to leave. Had tried to get up and get his clothes which set his bed alarm off. When the nurses went running he said it sounded like the police were after him. They said yes, the bed police. He wanted his clothes and said he'd just use the bathroom first. That tired him enough that he decided to go back to bed. They adjusted meds and got him comfortable and the anxiety / agitation under control. He was sleeping when I arrived.

He is likely sundowning. That means his delirium flares up at night, unfortunately. Is it possible for you to stay with him overnight? It can be comforting to the person experiencing this to have someone there they know. But it can be difficult, for you to see him like that and to have your own sleep disrupted, etc. Tough call. But just be aware, it could very well happen again tonight. (And sounds, from below, that it's starting.)

They took me in to let me know what they were seeing. I can see it too. His colour has changed - he's grey now. They believe we are in the final days. I had come to that conclusion also. The kids want to be there at the end, so I'm allowing it. Just need to get a better gauge when to bring them since both are sick. At some point it won't matter but I still feel like for another day or two it would. I hope they have the medication adjusted enough now that the kids won't see the agitation. He woke up and asked the nurse if he was dying earlier. I think he's really confused now.

See how it goes this evening and overnight, and take it from there. It may be that he's at his best during the daytime, even if that's sleeping. Hugs to you tonight. I wish I could help care for him. My MIL experienced delirium when she was on hospice and it was difficult to manage.

 

[DMRick]

My heart aches for you all. Our family is no stranger to cancer and I just hate what the disease and the cures do to a person.
Please know that I see from your posts just how strong you are for your family and I’m sure your husband can too. Gods blessings on all of you.
Do the service you and your children want to do. What will give you the most comfort.

 

[Cheetie]

I’m so sorry to hear this news. I too am holding you in prayer.

You have to be so many things for so many people right now. Please take care of yourself as best you can as well.

Sending prayers for peace and comfort for all of you.

 

[lsyorke]

Rodeo65, just wanted to let you know that you are on my mind. Talk to the hospice nurses and get the social worker involved for help with what you should do with the kids. My Mom was a hospice social worker and had a large number of cases where she helped intervene with advice for children..and for you. At this point it's time for you to just do what you feel is right for your family. After DH passed I wish I had asked him more about what he wanted in funeral arrangements. If you're not sure about that ask him. If that isn't possible do what you want to honor him. Just keep breathing...sometimes that all you can do to get through the day.

 

[#1hoosierfan]

I think of you several times a day. No other words than I am sending you prayers for peace and comfort as you make these difficult decisions.

 

[AnnaS]

to you and your family - My heart breaks for you. I (along with many here) know what you are going through. Cancer "s...........s" big time. I lost my BIL (47), my dad 10 months later, my sister (47) three months later and my very good friend (54) a year or so later. My mom had breast cancer while dad and sister were sick too. Hang in there. Take deep breaths/remember to breathe. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[maddiel]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My dad died of pancreatic cancer 22 years ago when he was only 54. I remember the condensing timeline being so hard - they though he'd have a year, then 6 months , then 3 months - it felt like every time I spoke to my mother, the estimate had cut in half.

Try to accept all the help that is offered and take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.

M.

 

[pooh'smate]

@rodeo65 praying for peace and comfort