Dealing and Caring for elderly parents... Health concerns.... Needing some guidance...8/14 update

[LovesTimone]

We can plan but it doesn't totally relieve the need for help from loved ones. There are too many unknowns that we are unable to foresee. I never felt that our parents or my grandmother were burdens.

OP here

I sorta feel like your judging me? ... with that each situation is completely different... different family dynamic...different family issues... past history between family members.... not everyone families is the same... and not every family fall into the perfect family category, and I'm not looking for martyrdom, I'm struggling and trying to what's best for them and looking for help to help them in this phase of their life.

While no-one knows the future or what it holds. I think and feel, that trying to be prepared and position them in a situation where they are safe, and being cared for and under one roof at this phase of their life, helping them stay together for whatever time God as given them, and keeping as much of their dignity and independence as possible. Is whats important...

I was saying for us my DH and I - We don't want to be a burden to my DD, We don't want to feel like a burden to her, and we want to be able to enjoy them, visiting and seeing them, spending time with her and our Grandson, in whatever time God has for us, We want her to be able to live her life, and not worry day and night, that we are not safe, or that we are eating poorly, or medical not taking care of ourselves...

I don't feel like my parents are a burden at all ... I just want the best for them... and I'm not asking to be relieved from helping them... I'm looking for answers, and help...

 

[wombat_5606]

No... my parents living with us is not a option... Physically I could not do it, and for sure mentally and emotionally, I could not do it...

I love my parents very much... as I said before my mom is very difficult, and her behavior, demands and actions are getting worse. She has always been like this, now it just getting worse... before my dad would keep her in check, and now he just doesn't have the will, or the strength to deal with her outbursts, temper-tantrums and overall shenanigan. He told me he just wanted some peace and quite, so I feel he is starting to giving up..

As well we lead a very active lifestyle, and well my DH is still working and 12 years from retirement... We love to travel, road trip, Disney, go on our boat, we are always doing something... having the kids, over watching our grandson, all kinds of activities... I want to live my life, and enjoy it, the time we have here is short, and I want to make the most of it... So one day when it's my turn, I will have plenty of memories and photos to sustain me... Knowing I lived my life to the fullest... that one reason DH and I are doing all the retirement planning that we are doing now... So that we can keep our independence and not be a burden to our DD.

I'm right there with you. There was no way in the entire world that I would have taken my mother in to live with us. I felt like my children and husband had to deal with enough as it was. It would have been very detrimental to all of us, my mother included, if I had brought her into my home.

Everyone's situation is different. Everyone's relationship is different. Do what is right for you and your family.

 

[Frantasmic]

A suggestion: It sounds like you need someone to check up on them occasionally, just to see how they are doing. My father was in mid 80s and lived 5 hours away. He had a girlfriend in the city so getting him to move closer was a no go. Suggestions are either to pay someone to clean their house every week or so. By far, the least expensive for me was to sign them up for Meals On Wheels if available in their area. Even if they don't qualify for totally free, I paid about $2 a day for a lunch 5 days a week (an extra one is delivered on Friday for Saturday). Granted, the meals aren't that great, and some dietary restrictions may exist. But, someone does contact them daily. If no one answers the door for Meals, they call you right away.

You have to ease in on the interactions for those who are too stubborn or proud to admit they need help, IMO.

My father, who had both hips replaced decades ago, fell in his kitchen in 2018. He had a hairline fracture at the hip on one. Since they didn't want to risk surgery or another replaced hip, they let it heal on its own, but it was a painful recovery for him. I read the statistics for hip fractures. 70% of people over age 75 doe not survive 1 year after a hip fracture. My father lasted 53 weeks. So, continued falls will plague someone and eventually the odds show that they will succumb to a hip fracture. Again, stats don't always convince people, but it may help. Best wishes. It is a long road to find help.

 

[DisneyDebbie]

When we all arrive at this juncture (Which we will if we're lucky) will we be any different. I hope I will be

This is one of my worst fears. I helped with my Mom and Grandparents, then later with DH's Grandparents and Dad. All of these people I dearly loved but it was HARD. I did resent the 'privilege' that comes with end of life care. I sincerely hope DH and I can come up with a better plan or better options for our children/grandchildren.

 

[RUDisney]

OP,

Your thread prompted me to start a conversation with my own parents. They are in their mid to late 70s and still are very active.

Turns out, because of the story that I shared about my BIL's parents, they've been talking about future plans. They are going to look into setting up a living trust for their assets. I was explaining the benefits of this for future generations, at least from a tax standpoint, plus it will help to protect their assets.

I'm glad that they are thinking this way. I know from having gone through similar situations as you are having with both sets of grandparents, they want to be prepared to have what they want and not what they are forced into because they didn't plan.

Hopefully, you've gotten some advice and answers through this thread. If nothing else, you've started a dialog in my family that will hopefully make things easier for my parents, my siblings and me.

 

[disykat]

We can plan but it doesn't totally relieve the need for help from loved ones. There are too many unknowns that we are unable to foresee. I never felt that our parents or my grandmother were burdens.

You are the lucky one. I'm 15 years in to Alzheimer's for my dad and now my mom has joined the club. Add in my inlaw's health issues (three heart attacks, five surgeries plus recovery in a two year time period) and YES, it has been a burden. Of course, parents are going to need some help as they age. That doesn't mean the need for a lot of it isn't a burden . Same way with children or anyone else, some need a lot of care and it can be very difficult for the caregiver. That doesn't mean we don't love them. It means we have to have a plan for their care that is sustainable.

I have definitely started planning ahead so my kids will not have as much of the burden of my care.

 

[VandVsmama]

I totally agree with you, on the stuff in the house... When my Granny went to the nursing home, and she passed on about 5 months after she was there she was 97 just shy of 98. It took us a year to go through the house. She lived through the depression. So she saved absolutely everything... We would have to go through every piece of paper, card, envelope, boxes, jars, everything .... she stuffed money everywhere, everything from 5 dollars to 100 dollar bills. We had to go through everything to sort it all out - which family member it should go back to, things like pictures or gifts that we had given them over the years, as well things that we wanted, we donated to the church and church sewing circle that my granny had been a member of for years. As well as to habitat for humanity, domestic violence shelter, homeless shelter, Good Will, and Salvation Army... There was just so much stuff...

During this time, We ( DH and I) were in the middle of being transferred back to Florida as well our DD was pregnant, and they were moving back with us after the baby was born... So I was moving my house, looking for housing for us and my DD and SIL, and little grandson, as well as trying to help my mom, with my granny's house... so I was not there all the time. My mom started back pedaling on things that I thought went to donation, I know they were in the donation pile, she took some of it home, really alot of it home.... now not only does she have all of her stuff, she has a great deal of stuff that was my Granny's... It's insane the amount of stuff... So I am faced with this...

I do put their safety and well being first... it's on my mind all the time... That's why I am trying to be proactive, before it gets to a point that there are not alot of options for them...

Going through all of that stuff can be time consuming and overwhelming. For you, the adult child AND for your parents. Between DH & I, we each have 1 parent still alive. Both are the same age (74). They're both still living independently in their own homes, but how they've handled their STUFF so far is totally different.

10 years ago after my mom died, my dad decided that he wanted to get rid of literally everything that reminded him of his life with my mom. So for a year and a half, he sent regular UPS shipments to my house of his stuff. All of his childhood school yearbooks, family photos, even the pics that I'd given him and my mom of my kids. He also shipped a bunch of junk that should have just been recycled or thrown away. I think he spent a small fortune in shipping fees on all of it. It was ridiculous. Box after box of 1980s-1990s This Old House magazines and woodworking magazines, for example. Another box had stained & ratty looking kitchen towels and wire coat hangers.

The up side of that is that when he does have to go into a nursing home, assisted living facility, etc., there won't be any stuff to go through because he got rid of all of his mementos.

My MIL, on the other hand, has hung onto everything. DH & his sister repeatedly broach the topic w/her of helping her sort through it, but she gets dramatic over it and says manipulative things like "You just want me to die so you can get rid of all of my stuff. Maybe I should go kill myself so you can throw it all away." 30-40 years of clutter, knickknacks (she loves cat figurines), bins & bins in the garage of household decorations (she changes it all up every month...every month has a theme). Every closet in her 1500 sq ft house is full. And about 40% of the garage is full, too.

No... my parents living with us is not a option... Physically I could not do it, and for sure mentally and emotionally, I could not do it...

I love my parents very much... as I said before my mom is very difficult, and her behavior, demands and actions are getting worse. She has always been like this, now it just getting worse... before my dad would keep her in check, and now he just doesn't have the will, or the strength to deal with her outbursts, temper-tantrums and overall shenanigan. He told me he just wanted some peace and quite, so I feel he is starting to giving up..

As well we lead a very active lifestyle, and well my DH is still working and 12 years from retirement... We love to travel, road trip, Disney, go on our boat, we are always doing something... having the kids, over watching our grandson, all kinds of activities... I want to live my life, and enjoy it, the time we have here is short, and I want to make the most of it... So one day when it's my turn, I will have plenty of memories and photos to sustain me... Knowing I lived my life to the fullest... that one reason DH and I are doing all the retirement planning that we are doing now... So that we can keep our independence and not be a burden to our DD.

No judgement here. There's no way that DH & I could have my dad or my MIL live with us. Forget it. We would NOT get along. They are both demanding, difficult people. We love them very much, but us being housemates/roommates would never work. Besides, both DH & I work full time and would not be able to provide adequate care for either of them.

Honestly, I think that the best place for your parents would probably be in some sort of facility. But they're probably not ready for that emotionally yet. I also think it's hard for people to come to terms with the very 'in your face' reality that moving into a facility means that some day in the not too distant future, your life will be over.

My MIL is the one who is the most resistant to even discussing going into an assisted living facility of some sort. DH & SIL have tried for 5 years to have that discussion with her. So I totally understand where you're coming from on this. With my MIL, the truth of the matter is that she just refuses to make decisions on anything. And THAT, in itself, IS a decision. So what WILL end up happening one day is that she will have a major health event, will end up in the hospital, and will not be well enough to be discharged to go home. She will need to spend some time in a rehab facility or something similar.

My MIL is also stubborn and will NOT follow the doctors' discharge orders and will end up NOT doing the physical therapy or other treatments that are prescribed, so she will end up not ever be able to go live at home on her own.

Currently, my MIL is blind enough (thanks to diabetes-induced retinopathy & glaucoma) that she hasn't driven a car for the past 2 years. So she relies on other people all the time to take her places. We live an hour and a half drive from her. It's challenging.

When it becomes obvious that MIL will not be returning home, then DH & SIL will sort through MIL's stuff, put any mementos in storage that MIL wants to keep, & the house will be put up for sale.

Honestly, I think that my MIL would be **happier** living in an assisted living facility because there would be other people her age to talk to, to compare notes with, to hang out with. Sometimes it helps to be able to talk to other people who are going through the same stuff you are. Right now, she's pretty socially isolated and she's found that very frustrating. However, she's as stubborn as a mule. For example, my MIL has eye glasses to help her read, but she refuses to wear them because she doesn't like how she looks with glasses on. She desperately needs hearing aids (EVERYONE has to shout at her now), but she refuses to get them because they're "too expensive" (she has plenty of money to pay for hearing aids...this is a woman who thinks that anything more than $20 is expensive).

So hang in there. We understand the predicament you're in.

 

[Pink Partridge]

My MIL, on the other hand, has hung onto everything. DH & his sister repeatedly broach the topic w/her of helping her sort through it, but she gets dramatic over it and says manipulative things like "You just want me to die so you can get rid of all of my stuff. Maybe I should go kill myself so you can throw it all away." 30-40 years of clutter, knickknacks (she loves cat figurines)

Whenever I go to Goodwill, I see entire knick knack collections being put out. Most collections are cat figurines. A popular second? Clown figurines

And I often think some poor lady cluttered her home with these for years thinking family members would be vying for them. Nobody wants this stuff. I need to remember that as I age and feel compelled to collect.

 

[TLSnell1981]

You are the lucky one. I'm 15 years in to Alzheimer's for my dad and now my mom has joined the club. Add in my inlaw's health issues (three heart attacks, five surgeries plus recovery in a two year time period) and YES, it has been a burden. Of course, parents are going to need some help as they age. That doesn't mean the need for a lot of it isn't a burden . Same way with children or anyone else, some need a lot of care and it can be very difficult for the caregiver. That doesn't mean we don't love them. It means we have to have a plan for their care that is sustainable.

I have definitely started planning ahead so my kids will not have as much of the burden of my care.

I am sorry you are having to deal with multiple health issues with your parents. I never said it was easy...it is hard. Although I have no regrets and would do it again.

They all had plans for care in their old age but it didn't work out as expected. One had two bouts with cancer and the other a multitude of long term health issues both with surgeries and/or chemo. My MIL had dementia for approximately 14 years. She suffered severe complications from a series of strokes that left her unable to speak or walk. We were fortunate enough to have help. I won't deny there were many stressful and frustrating times....heartache and tears.

Again I'm sorry you are going through tough times.

 

[TLSnell1981]

OP here

I sorta feel like your judging me? ... with that each situation is completely different... different family dynamic...different family issues... past history between family members.... not everyone families is the same... and not every family fall into the perfect family category, and I'm not looking for martyrdom, I'm struggling and trying to what's best for them and looking for help to help them in this phase of their life.

While no-one knows the future or what it holds. I think and feel, that trying to be prepared and position them in a situation where they are safe, and being cared for and under one roof at this phase of their life, helping them stay together for whatever time God as given them, and keeping as much of their dignity and independence as possible. Is whats important...

I was saying for us my DH and I - We don't want to be a burden to my DD, We don't want to feel like a burden to her, and we want to be able to enjoy them, visiting and seeing them, spending time with her and our Grandson, in whatever time God has for us, We want her to be able to live her life, and not worry day and night, that we are not safe, or that we are eating poorly, or medical not taking care of ourselves...

I don't feel like my parents are a burden at all ... I just want the best for them... and I'm not asking to be relieved from helping them... I'm looking for answers, and help...

No, no, no...not at all. I am sorry if it came off that way. You said you didn't want to be a burden to your daughter. Many feel that way. I know this was also our experience. They didn't want to be a burden but I didn't feel they were. There were plans made but multiple complications arose. It's hard to anticipate every aspect of growing old and/or having health issues. No judging whatsoever.

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Just want to offer hugs and prayers to all dealing with elderly family members! I was a caregiver to my beloved Grandma for several years. Not easy at all. Most importantly, remember to take care of yourself! I found that because I was the only person in the immediate area who both saw and talked to Grandma daily, others surely meant well but didn't (they couldn't) have the firsthand insight or experience as I did. I remember that causing some rifts. A good support base is essential!

The other thing I always share when speaking of elderly relatives is on the life alert pendants. These are wonderful devices for sure. As a reminder, please, please, be sure the person such a device is intended for will wear it for one and for two understands when/how to use it and will! One of the most heartbreaking later memories I have is two days in a row Grandma had fallen was wearing her life alert necklace but did not know to push the button (dementia). I pray to never hear of someone else's loved one in a similar situation.

 

[wombat_5606]

Honestly, I think that my MIL would be **happier** living in an assisted living facility because there would be other people her age to talk to, to compare notes with, to hang out with. Sometimes it helps to be able to talk to other people who are going through the same stuff you are. Right now, she's pretty socially isolated and she's found that very frustrating.

You bring up an interesting point. The socialization at the assisted living facility is beneficial and it definitely brightened my grandfather's last 2 years. Depending on @LovesTimone family's need or desire of socialization, it could be a conversation she could have with her parents.

My grandfather had a position of respect in his community and was quite well known in a large part of his state. He remained very busy (he was near his 102nd birthday when he passed) and was doing something virtually every day. He was always going to a meeting or a lunch or visiting sick people he knew in the hospital, etc. It was always hard to get him on the phone during the day.

The assisted living facility actually became a godsend for him. While he was always busy and making the effort to get out and do things, I think it was to keep himself from sitting at home alone. He never verbalized this to me and I never considered it, either.

Few of the many, many people in his community he knew visited with him in his home. It was either because he was always so busy or the fact that most people didn't want to intrude. He was a man in his late 90s living at home by himself at the time.

Once he was in the facility, he had visitors all day long. He actually was given an award for being the company's resident honoree for the entire state, because he had so many visitors and because his visitors enjoyed and took comfort from their visit with him.

Now, my mother on the other hand, never met a person she liked. She was a very solitary person and very much enjoyed solitary entertainment, such as reading. She spent almost 10 years in an assisted living facility and rarely left her apartment. She was physically unable to care for herself, but had her mind and her hearing. She found it very stressful to socialize with people that did not have either of those things.

So, in other words, you have to read the room. But, for parents that would enjoy communal living, it's a good alternative and you can make a good argument to them that they would really enjoy the socialization. For some like my mother, she would have been happier in her home with full-time help.

 

[LovesTimone]

Op here, and a update...

This week did not start out so good... and I really just to vent... somewhat... okay a lot... and Thanks for listening...

I talk to my parents everyday, just a quick call to make sure everything is okay... On Monday I called my parents house and my Dad answered the phone... and I knew immediately that something was wrong... He then start's telling me that he had to give my mom some nitro... then says 2 tablet, then says I had to give her some yesterday to... so 2 on Sunday evening then 2 more on Monday afternoon, Did you call the doctor office I asked, and he was like that's what the prescription is for.... I told him he needed to call 911 right away... then this whole thing about he has given it to her before and she sometimes has this, and they are not calling 911 for this...
I could hear my mom talking, and saying it was getting better, and she was not presenting with any shortness of breath or left arm numbness or the major tell tale signs of a heart attack or cardiac event... I kept telling him to call 911, and basically they refused... about a hour later he texted me that she was doing better and the pain had stopped... DH and I went to bed early we both were just worn out... At 10:30 ish the phone rings and its my Dad telling me that he ended up giving her other nitro so 3 nitro pill... which is the limit.... and called 911 and she they had came and evaluated and took her and were loading her up in the ambulance...and he was wanting me to go out to the hospital... I was like I can't they won't let me in... I know this for a fact, as the last time she went by ambulance to the ER they would not let me in... The whole time I am trying to clear my head, focus, and stay calm... Thank goodness for my DH he just put his hand on my back and it gave me strength to calm myself and my Dad down..
So then he is like please call your brother and just handle it... I was like okay... whatever you want me to do... I said if you hear anything let me know... calling my brother and telling him what is going, and dealing with him is stressful, as he just freaks out... and goes off the deep in.. and then I have to rein him in, and calm him down... then I have to text my DD and let her know what is going on, and what to bring for my grandson the next day, In case I have to go her pick her up at the hospital... then I went back to bed...

After 2 days worth of testing, Thankfully she did not have a heart-attack nor was it any type of cardiac event.. The Cardiac doc. did say it was due to the Colitis being uncontrolled, and that her weight is so low, that is starting to cause stress, and pressure on her other organs... and if she doesn't get it under control she will be back and it could be her heart next time...

So on Wednesday I drove 150 miles round trip, with my Grandson in the back seat playing on his tablet and he had his headphones on... listening to him play and laugh was the best sound ever... I picked up my mom at the hospital, and I can tell you that trying to pick up a loved one at the hospital is a cluster... they have a pick up zone, and you are not allowed to get out of your car, until you see the person your are picking up, then and only then can you get out and you have to open the car door, they are not allowed to touch the car door, or help the person into the car... and the I drove her home and drove back to my house.. My mom looked tired, and so thin, overall she did look okay, and she was talking and laughing with my grandson.. I think that my parents getting to see my grandson was so good for them... They thought that they were off the hook... when I hugged them, I looked at them both and said we are going to have a serious chat!

Thankfully... The Cardiac Doc, sent a request over to the Gut Doctor, and she has a appointment on Thursday... and I am going with her.. and yes I am going in the room with her, I don't give to a dang what the rules are ... I am going to let him know whats been going on, what really has been going on... then I found out that she has cancelled like 4 or 5 appointments with him because to this mess with Covid... Thanks to the Fear mongering News Outlets... They both are like we can't go to the doctors office or hospital because of the Covid and they don't have enough PPE and we will die... AS well that is the main reason that they did not want to call 911... At this point I thought... just breathe... and address it later, now is not the time...

In trying to have an adult conversation with my brother... it's like someone set's his tail feathers on fire and he just won't stop...he gets himself so worked up... and this is that last thing in the world that I need is him acting like this... So I told him what was going on, and he is just on it... I am like please take a breath... for goodness sake... and listen to me... so I told him to leave it alone, and let them get some rest and sleep, and we can talk about this in a couple of days, when our parents have had a chance to rest... what does he do, he calls over there and starts a huge argument with my Dad, and started yelling, screaming, and cursing at him and telling my Dad what he was going to do, and saying terrible things .. and my Dad told him, I don't stick my nose in your business and you need to stay out of my business, and then my brother hung up on him... He just told me he would leave it alone, and then he does this... I just hung my head, and thought what in the heck is wrong with him... I really don't know what the long term repercussions of this are going to be... my Dad was so quite and said I don't want him or any of them over here and I'm just done with all of this with him...

Families are sooooo hard to deal with sometimes.... I feel like I am on a highwire, and the wind is blowing at 40 knots, and I am trying to just make it to the other side... Thank goodness I have my DH as a safety wire and net...

Right now I have to focus on getting my parents in a conversation, and helping them figure out what the next stage is...and how they are going to move forward... not only health wise but financially... I could use all the prayers and pixie dust I can get right now...

Thanks for listening...

 

[cabanafrau]

So sorry for all that's happening, OP. It is really hard to deal with, and adding the dynamics of a difficult sibling who decides to raise a major ruckus in the midst of things is so far from helpful.

It's wonderful that you're going in with your mother for her appointment. Something to be aware of and be prepared for in the appointment is giving the doctor an insight into the realities of the day to day situation with your mother's health and the situation at home with your parents and their stubborn refusal to do several of the necessary things for safety. I recommend doing this so that the doctor will have an awareness, will give direct instructions to your mother about what's medically necessary, and probably most importantly, the doc is liable to include some notations in the chart and will potentially have some independent recall about the fact that your parents are reluctant to follow medical advice.

Why is that part most important? You may be about to drive down the patch of road a lot of families drive down, one that requires heading into court and asking a judge to give you legal authority to make necessary decisions for your parents when they are unable or recklessly refuse to do what's medically necessary. Your dad's response to your brother's tirade is understandable, and makes it all the more unlikely your parents are going to listen to anything they don't want to hear from anybody. It's highly likely they are going to need someone to step in and make some life decisions for them before too long. This doctor's appointment is a good opportunity to get a toehold and gain a powerful ally to help shutdown your parents' ability to fight off intervention.

Good luck, this stuff is very difficult and emotionally draining.

 

[izzy]

OP, so sorry you are going thru this and that your brother is no help and is only making things worse. Been there done that with my dad and one of my brothers.

If you have the time, write up all of these issues and send it to your mom’s doctor to read before the appointment. I had to do this several times with my dad’s doctors, and I think they appreciated having that information before the appointment.

Good luck with everything!

 

[RUDisney]

I'm sending virtual hugs to you, OP.

 

[LovesTimone]

OP, so sorry you are going thru this and that your brother is no help and is only making things worse. Been there done that with my dad and one of my brothers.

If you have the time, write up all of these issues and send it to your mom’s doctor to read before the appointment. I had to do this several times with my dad’s doctors, and I think they appreciated having that information before the appointment.

Good luck with everything!

Thanks for a great idea... I really did not think about doing it before the appointment...

I can not tell you how much a appreciate your kinda words...

Peace, Love and Pixie Dust for all...

 

[lovemygoofy]

OP, have you spoken with the your parents primary care doctor? Can you make an appointment before or after you see your parents for a visit with the doctor? I would call and speak with the nurse and send in all the worries and observations and ask where they stand medically. If you have paperwork naming you POA and such then the doctor should speak with you regarding this.

Having full understanding of what is going on and not just what your parents believe is going to be most important in decision making. That person will also be able to help expedite any processes if truly your parents should no longer be alone. Before having a conversation with your parents you need full understanding of the overall health problem/concerns as well as daily living and care. I told my mom over and over again that my ultimate goal was to keep her alive and healthy as possible. Keeping her happy wasn't my job at all. Get yourself full educated about the different options and have the conversation with your parents and your brother (if have to be there) about next steps. Get the team of support behind you for this.

 

[gotomu212]

Op here, and a update...

This week did not start out so good... and I really just to vent... somewhat... okay a lot... and Thanks for listening...

I talk to my parents everyday, just a quick call to make sure everything is okay... On Monday I called my parents house and my Dad answered the phone... and I knew immediately that something was wrong... He then start's telling me that he had to give my mom some nitro... then says 2 tablet, then says I had to give her some yesterday to... so 2 on Sunday evening then 2 more on Monday afternoon, Did you call the doctor office I asked, and he was like that's what the prescription is for.... I told him he needed to call 911 right away... then this whole thing about he has given it to her before and she sometimes has this, and they are not calling 911 for this...
I could hear my mom talking, and saying it was getting better, and she was not presenting with any shortness of breath or left arm numbness or the major tell tale signs of a heart attack or cardiac event... I kept telling him to call 911, and basically they refused... about a hour later he texted me that she was doing better and the pain had stopped... DH and I went to bed early we both were just worn out... At 10:30 ish the phone rings and its my Dad telling me that he ended up giving her other nitro so 3 nitro pill... which is the limit.... and called 911 and she they had came and evaluated and took her and were loading her up in the ambulance...and he was wanting me to go out to the hospital... I was like I can't they won't let me in... I know this for a fact, as the last time she went by ambulance to the ER they would not let me in... The whole time I am trying to clear my head, focus, and stay calm... Thank goodness for my DH he just put his hand on my back and it gave me strength to calm myself and my Dad down..
So then he is like please call your brother and just handle it... I was like okay... whatever you want me to do... I said if you hear anything let me know... calling my brother and telling him what is going, and dealing with him is stressful, as he just freaks out... and goes off the deep in.. and then I have to rein him in, and calm him down... then I have to text my DD and let her know what is going on, and what to bring for my grandson the next day, In case I have to go her pick her up at the hospital... then I went back to bed...

After 2 days worth of testing, Thankfully she did not have a heart-attack nor was it any type of cardiac event.. The Cardiac doc. did say it was due to the Colitis being uncontrolled, and that her weight is so low, that is starting to cause stress, and pressure on her other organs... and if she doesn't get it under control she will be back and it could be her heart next time...

So on Wednesday I drove 150 miles round trip, with my Grandson in the back seat playing on his tablet and he had his headphones on... listening to him play and laugh was the best sound ever... I picked up my mom at the hospital, and I can tell you that trying to pick up a loved one at the hospital is a cluster... they have a pick up zone, and you are not allowed to get out of your car, until you see the person your are picking up, then and only then can you get out and you have to open the car door, they are not allowed to touch the car door, or help the person into the car... and the I drove her home and drove back to my house.. My mom looked tired, and so thin, overall she did look okay, and she was talking and laughing with my grandson.. I think that my parents getting to see my grandson was so good for them... They thought that they were off the hook... when I hugged them, I looked at them both and said we are going to have a serious chat!

Thankfully... The Cardiac Doc, sent a request over to the Gut Doctor, and she has a appointment on Thursday... and I am going with her.. and yes I am going in the room with her, I don't give to a dang what the rules are ... I am going to let him know whats been going on, what really has been going on... then I found out that she has cancelled like 4 or 5 appointments with him because to this mess with Covid... Thanks to the Fear mongering News Outlets... They both are like we can't go to the doctors office or hospital because of the Covid and they don't have enough PPE and we will die... AS well that is the main reason that they did not want to call 911... At this point I thought... just breathe... and address it later, now is not the time...

In trying to have an adult conversation with my brother... it's like someone set's his tail feathers on fire and he just won't stop...he gets himself so worked up... and this is that last thing in the world that I need is him acting like this... So I told him what was going on, and he is just on it... I am like please take a breath... for goodness sake... and listen to me... so I told him to leave it alone, and let them get some rest and sleep, and we can talk about this in a couple of days, when our parents have had a chance to rest... what does he do, he calls over there and starts a huge argument with my Dad, and started yelling, screaming, and cursing at him and telling my Dad what he was going to do, and saying terrible things .. and my Dad told him, I don't stick my nose in your business and you need to stay out of my business, and then my brother hung up on him... He just told me he would leave it alone, and then he does this... I just hung my head, and thought what in the heck is wrong with him... I really don't know what the long term repercussions of this are going to be... my Dad was so quite and said I don't want him or any of them over here and I'm just done with all of this with him...

Families are sooooo hard to deal with sometimes.... I feel like I am on a highwire, and the wind is blowing at 40 knots, and I am trying to just make it to the other side... Thank goodness I have my DH as a safety wire and net...

Sorry you have to deal with this, but one piece of advise would be to stop feeling the need to loop your brother in. He’s not part of their care, he flies off the handle, your parents have said it’s not his business, and he doesn’t have any support role here. Obviously if a parent is sent to the hospital he needs a call or text to say “moms at the hospital for chest pains. They’re doing tests and I’ll let you know when she comes home” (based on the time and energy suck I’d do a text) He doesn’t need the play by play or the medical diagnosis (this would be different if he was playing a big part of their care or your parents were telling him).

My mom also feels she needs to share info within the family when something happens to another member, but honestly a lot of it is oversharing or not helpful sharing. Leave it up to your parents how much to tell him and take zero responsibility for that- you’ll be surprised how much effort and angst it saves.