I totally agree with you, on the stuff in the house... When my Granny went to the nursing home, and she passed on about 5 months after she was there she was 97 just shy of 98. It took us a year to go through the house. She lived through the depression. So she saved absolutely everything... We would have to go through every piece of paper, card, envelope, boxes, jars, everything .... she stuffed money everywhere, everything from 5 dollars to 100 dollar bills. We had to go through everything to sort it all out - which family member it should go back to, things like pictures or gifts that we had given them over the years, as well things that we wanted, we donated to the church and church sewing circle that my granny had been a member of for years. As well as to habitat for humanity, domestic violence shelter, homeless shelter, Good Will, and Salvation Army... There was just so much stuff...
During this time, We ( DH and I) were in the middle of being transferred back to Florida as well our DD was pregnant, and they were moving back with us after the baby was born... So I was moving my house, looking for housing for us and my DD and SIL, and little grandson, as well as trying to help my mom, with my granny's house... so I was not there all the time. My mom started back pedaling on things that I thought went to donation, I know they were in the donation pile, she took some of it home, really alot of it home.... now not only does she have all of her stuff, she has a great deal of stuff that was my Granny's... It's insane the amount of stuff... So I am faced with this...
I do put their safety and well being first... it's on my mind all the time... That's why I am trying to be proactive, before it gets to a point that there are not alot of options for them...
Going through all of that stuff can be time consuming and overwhelming. For you, the adult child AND for your parents. Between DH & I, we each have 1 parent still alive. Both are the same age (74). They're both still living independently in their own homes, but how they've handled their STUFF so far is totally different.
10 years ago after my mom died, my dad decided that he wanted to get rid of literally everything that reminded him of his life with my mom. So for a year and a half, he sent regular UPS shipments to my house of his stuff. All of his childhood school yearbooks, family photos, even the pics that I'd given him and my mom of my kids. He also shipped a bunch of junk that should have just been recycled or thrown away. I think he spent a small fortune in shipping fees on all of it. It was ridiculous. Box after box of 1980s-1990s This Old House magazines and woodworking magazines, for example. Another box had stained & ratty looking kitchen towels and wire coat hangers.
The up side of that is that when he does have to go into a nursing home, assisted living facility, etc., there won't be any stuff to go through because he got rid of all of his mementos.
My MIL, on the other hand, has hung onto everything. DH & his sister repeatedly broach the topic w/her of helping her sort through it, but she gets dramatic over it and says manipulative things like "You just want me to die so you can get rid of all of my stuff. Maybe I should go kill myself so you can throw it all away." 30-40 years of clutter, knickknacks (she loves cat figurines), bins & bins in the garage of household decorations (she changes it all up every month...every month has a theme). Every closet in her 1500 sq ft house is full. And about 40% of the garage is full, too.
No... my parents living with us is not a option... Physically I could not do it, and for sure mentally and emotionally, I could not do it...
I love my parents very much... as I said before my mom is very difficult, and her behavior, demands and actions are getting worse. She has always been like this, now it just getting worse... before my dad would keep her in check, and now he just doesn't have the will, or the strength to deal with her outbursts, temper-tantrums and overall shenanigan. He told me he just wanted some peace and quite, so I feel he is starting to giving up..
As well we lead a very active lifestyle, and well my DH is still working and 12 years from retirement... We love to travel, road trip, Disney, go on our boat, we are always doing something... having the kids, over watching our grandson, all kinds of activities... I want to live my life, and enjoy it, the time we have here is short, and I want to make the most of it... So one day when it's my turn, I will have plenty of memories and photos to sustain me... Knowing I lived my life to the fullest... that one reason DH and I are doing all the retirement planning that we are doing now... So that we can keep our independence and not be a burden to our DD.
No judgement here. There's no way that DH & I could have my dad or my MIL live with us. Forget it. We would NOT get along. They are both demanding, difficult people. We love them very much, but us being housemates/roommates would never work. Besides, both DH & I work full time and would not be able to provide adequate care for either of them.
Honestly, I think that the best place for your parents would probably be in some sort of facility. But they're probably not ready for that emotionally yet. I also think it's hard for people to come to terms with the very 'in your face' reality that moving into a facility means that some day in the not too distant future, your life will be over.
My MIL is the one who is the most resistant to even discussing going into an assisted living facility of some sort. DH & SIL have tried for 5 years to have that discussion with her. So I totally understand where you're coming from on this. With my MIL, the truth of the matter is that she just refuses to make decisions on anything. And THAT, in itself, IS a decision. So what WILL end up happening one day is that she will have a major health event, will end up in the hospital, and will not be well enough to be discharged to go home. She will need to spend some time in a rehab facility or something similar.
My MIL is also stubborn and will NOT follow the doctors' discharge orders and will end up NOT doing the physical therapy or other treatments that are prescribed, so she will end up not ever be able to go live at home on her own.
Currently, my MIL is blind enough (thanks to diabetes-induced retinopathy & glaucoma) that she hasn't driven a car for the past 2 years. So she relies on other people all the time to take her places. We live an hour and a half drive from her. It's challenging.
When it becomes obvious that MIL will not be returning home, then DH & SIL will sort through MIL's stuff, put any mementos in storage that MIL wants to keep, & the house will be put up for sale.
Honestly, I think that my MIL would be **happier** living in an assisted living facility because there would be other people her age to talk to, to compare notes with, to hang out with. Sometimes it helps to be able to talk to other people who are going through the same stuff you are. Right now, she's pretty socially isolated and she's found that very frustrating. However, she's as stubborn as a mule. For example, my MIL has eye glasses to help her read, but she refuses to wear them because she doesn't like how she looks with glasses on. She desperately needs hearing aids (EVERYONE has to shout at her now), but she refuses to get them because they're "too expensive" (she has plenty of money to pay for hearing aids...this is a woman who thinks that anything more than $20 is expensive).
So hang in there. We understand the predicament you're in.