constructive ways to deal with staring

[SueOKW]

I think you hit the nail right on the head. Like you, there came a time when my DS could no longer pass for just being "sleepy". That's when we drew in too. Short smiles and avoid eye contact at all costs.

It is NOT taking the easy way out. It IS an excellent coping strategy. It's a good way to enjoy yourself without having to answer personal questions, or open yourselves up to rude looks.
Your Ohio pal - go Redskins!
Sue

<img width="200" src="http://www.geocities.com/dmurphydis/cleveland.gif">

 

[DJBounce]

We were at WDW a little over 2 weeks ago with our 5 yo DD with CP. We did not have a wheelchair (state funding...aaiieghh don't get me started) but we used a jogger stroller for her. It was a little bigger and we did get some curious looks as we were getting on crowded buses, but no stares that I can remember. I remember this thread from a while back because my wife felt that I wouldn't handle stares in a constructive manner. I know that if I was to receive stares while holding my daughter as see is thrusting her tongue out and droobling, I wouldn't be very polite back.....I know , not a very good way of dealing with the situational ignorance of the starer. Thankfully though, no stares that I could even register, not that I was looking, I was too dang busy trying to keep up with my wife who turned into a world class sprinter for our WDW vacation. HA HA HA.

DrewJ
The measure of a true hero is not the size of their strength, but the strength of their hearts.

 

[mommanne]

I have two children with AHHD and ODD, which I guess doesn't qualify as a disability, but it does disable our outings.

My kids are 6 and 9, and they often stare at disabled people and ask questions of me. I am so afraid that their simple, honest questions will hurt the people they are talking about. I can be straightforward about wheelchairs (that person can't walk) but I don't know how to explain mentally impaired people in an informative way, without sounding mean (for lack of a better word).

What is a kind, compassionate, honest way to explain people that are retarded, or just different? I am uncomfortable saying "don't stare" as if those people don't exist, or shushing the kids. That dismisses the people as if THEY don't exist.

Please don't take this post offensively if I have not put it correctly. None of us in this world are perfect, but we are all God's creatures.

[This message was edited by mommanne on 02-25-01 at 11:34 AM.]

[This message was edited by mommanne on 02-25-01 at 11:34 AM.]

 

[BuckeyeBelle]

Hi Drew,
We use a jogging stroller for our DS too. When we took him to WDW in 2000, we asked the bus drivers if we could load it thru the back door since it was too big to go down the aisle folded up. On the days DS & I went to the parks by ourselves, I don't know how I'd have gotten him & all his stuff on the bus otherwise. 99.9% of the other bus riders were fantastic about it, and lots of times someone even offered to help me.

Only one driver wouldn't open the back for us - he was having a bad day I guess! My DH had to carry the stroller over his head to the back of the bus - it was a sight - lol! Well, there was this lady sitting directly across from DS & I in the front, and she kept going on and on loudly about how stupid it was to bring strollers on the bus, how they just get in everyone's way, how it couldn't possibly be better to bring a stroller when you can rent one in the park, yadda yadda. She was making fun of my husband (and also a father of *two* sets of twins who had brought a double.) I wanted so badly to tell her that the man she was mocking was the father of this darling five-year old who cannot walk!!!! But I just sat there and let my cheeks burn. I'm just a wimp I guess - lol! Anyway, thanks for letting me vent a little.

I have to say that this particular experience was far and away the exception. I'm so glad you did not have to go through any of that! Even with the few bad apples, WDW is the greatest place to go for vacation.

[This message was edited by BuckeyeBelle on 02-25-01 at 11:52 AM.]

 

[SueM in MN]

Mommanne, I hope you feel welcome here. Anyone who has special challenges to deal with can relate. There was a post (many pages back now) that dealt with explaining disabilities to children. I'm not sure I can find it (search doesn't work well for me), but I'll see if I can hunt it up. That would probably help you out.

SueM in MN
Co-Moderator of disABILITIES

 

[mommanne]

I do feel comfortable here. While the challenges my kids face aren't visible, they do exist. And as far as people staring, I can relate, because my kids have meltdowns that people look at in distaste sometimes, surely thinking that I am a "lax" mom giving in to tantrums. Whatever......

The problems that my kids have aren't visible. I'm sure that we get stared at often, but to be honest, I'm too busy dealing with the behaviors of my kids to deal with the looks of strangers because I am usually too busy dealing with the situation. However, we've had some "interesting" interactions with the public at large.

And I'm sure my kids get written off by others as "brats". I've learned not to care what people think, and my kids are too busy acting out to notice. However, if my child ever heard an unkind reference to their appearance or behavior by an onlooker, I'd be really angry.

That's the reason for my question, and thanks for your reference to the thread, I'll look for it. Many times I get understanding glances from strangers, and I am grateful for them. How can I facilitate the interaction between my kids and other special people a kind, constructive, manner?

I had a bad experience once, when I saw a blind person having a problem entering a subway car. I offered help, and she chewed my ear off! Therefore, I am worried about being the empathetic onlooker, and how that would be perceived by the handicapped, and their loved ones. It's not pity, it's empathy.

Thanks for listening.

 

[JorJor]

In my case, my ds was anywhere from a newborn, all the way until he was 13 months old...We fed him through a "G" tube that went directly into his stomach.He had to be fed every 4 hours no matter where we were, or what we were doing at the time. People always stared. Because we had to pull up his shirt and there was a long tube with a fat syringe at the end, that had his formula or "food" in it. The syringe would go empty, and we'd pour more in it...so naturally people were either curious or shocked. But most of them, just smiled and me, and I smiled back. It was neat, though, when at a birthday party or gathering, people that had never seen my son fed, would ask if they could watch while I fed him. Absolutely! It WAS amazing to see, and that's how we all gain knowledge and grow. So if people are staring at you...no matter what your disability, just throw them a smile, and they'll either smile back, or look away.

 

[alasknmom]

I've often said, Id rather you come up, as uncomfortable as it is and say hi to me, ask questions. Nothing is too personal or will hurt my feelings.
But if you stand there and start or whisper and point, THAT hurts my feelings.

We went to a boy scout function friday night for my son and so many kids started and pointed and giggled and whispered.
I had such hurt feelings b/c a lot of these kids KNOW me and have for years. So WHY they felt the need to point and stare and giggle and whisper is beyond me.
Funny thing is maybe I dont notice it normally because NO less then 10 kids did this on this day and to start my day out (on that day) a lady at work gave me a discusted look TWICE (2 different times of the day).

I feel like wearing a bumper sticker that says "don't stare, come on up and talk to me, I dont bite!"

Rachel in Alaska<

 

[Michelle NY]

I have to say that this is an amazing thread!!! I know that I posted to it a while back but BuckeyeBelle really summed up some of my feelings. My DD has a rare genetic disorder,when she was a baby I could always "hide" her disability with a stroller. Know that she is 3 , and a very tall thin 3, it has gotten more noticable. It use to really upset me how many time I would here"Oh she looks so tired" I always said yes now I say oh it's just her! People always look very puzzled by that answer. If they seem nice I will give them a little more info. Most times it is amzing how wonderful and kind people actually really are if we give them a chance.

 

[teri]

bump

"My brain takes a vacation just to give my heart more room..."
teri@iluvdisney.com

 

[faeflora]

Hi,
Wow this is a great thread!
This is something I and my DH deal with on a regular basis. I have a rare genetic disease called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility Type. I was born with it but not diagnosed until my 30th birthday and what a birthday gift it was.
I use a wheelchair in public and c-crutches in the house. I can also walk extremely short distances without aids. I work as a stage manager, dancer and at a dance store so I always get questions from children regarding the chair.All of these jobs require me to on occasion stand up and move without the wheelchair. This always causes great commotions and then come the questions. I spend a great deal of my time, smiling and giving a full medical report on what is Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I really love the questions from the children because they are just so curious. Because I am also an advocate from arts and accessibility and have done alot of talks and performances in our area my dh and I are now never sure if they are staring because they recognize us or if they are just doing the regular hey it a wheelchair stare. Either way we just smile and move on.
Jules

 

[SueM in MN]

I think it's really neat for kids without disabilities to see that people with disabilities can do things like dance. My dd has been in a wheelchair dance class for 3 years. Her teacher is a neat lady that feels "art is for everyone" and she has been teaching people with disabilities for as long as she has been teaching dance.g

SueM in MN
Co-Moderator of disABILITIES

 

[faeflora]

Hi Sue,
Thas is wonderful that your daughter is in dance class, we are so hoping that in a year there will be an intergrated dance class for children. The arts are such a wonderful place for all to explore and be challenged.
Jules

 

[SueM in MN]

faeflora, if you would like more info about my dd's dance class, feel free to email me. Her teacher has done instruction for other dance teachers, Physical Education teachers and OT and PT. She's also sent out instructional video tapes. Uniquely Abled Dance Center is a non-profit organization and services are free of charge..

SueM in MN
Co-Moderator of disABILITIES

 

[Spinning]

Hi this is a very interesting thread. I posted a question several days ago about how to explain disabilities to my children. My DD is a very nurtuting child and sensitive to others. My Dh and I try very hard to help her understand everyone is made different and to be kind and nice. I worked for many years with special needs kids and adults also in a deaf blind center. I took her with me as much as possible. Also where I worked had a special needs day care which was intergrated! It was the most wonderful place. Unfortunatly it closed. So Rachel is use to seeing people with disabilites. But I still find it hard when she asks questions. I feel you need to answer right away, not hush them up or act like you didn't hear. that makes me feel like the disability is a "bad" thing. Instead of just another way of like. I truly feel if we start with kids then eventually everyone will be accepted. And people won't feel the need to stare or make fun.

 

[teri]

 

[AUNTIE_BEEZ]

I know many of you will be traveling to WDW with children/teens. Mine is just the opposite. Included in our party will be my elderly mother who wishes she still had the abilities of 50 years ago.
She is now confined to a wheelchair from Rheum Arthritis, has a trach (which she is able to keep plugged 98% of the time) and is unable to cut her food up for herself due to Arthritic hands.

Often, we find that children will come right out and ask questions and I am very open with explaining things to them. Most of the rudeness comes from adults. Most servers in restaurants ignore her as if she has a learning disability and often want to seat us to the back of the restaurant. I am very proactive with the ADA; I am also a nurse which I feel gives the right to stand up for people with disabilities.

Often times I explain to the host that we do not require the back of the restaurant. I have also had to explain to them that she is able to do her own ordering. Fortunately - after the initial conversation with my mother they are able to overlook the disability and see her for the person she is.

This will be the first time we will travel to WDW since she was trached 2 years ago but chose to return due to the extremely wonderful treatment/service we have received since she has been wheelchair confined.

I truly hope that all of you traveling to WDW find the same superior treatment that we have received in the past.

IF ONLY THE REST OF THE WORLD COULD BE LIKE WDW..............

 

[teri]

Thanks for sharing your story with us, Auntie-Beez!

DIS disABILITIES Discussion Board FAQ under construction!
"My brain takes a vacation just to give my heart more room..."
teri@iluvdisney.com

 

[binny]

This is a wonderful thread!

[This message was edited by binny on 03-28-01 at 03:33 PM.]

 

[*Robin*]

Hi everyone, I am so thankful I found this board! I have a dear friend that has 2 disabled children, and I have always considered her a hero...now I have found a whole group of heros...I wish I could hug you all!

BuckeyeBelle, when someone asks about the age of your litlle boy, how about "6 adorable years, and I've cherished every moment of it" and leave it at that...? They don't need to know the details, and it just puts a finality to the whole thing. Who cares what they think from there, they know you adore your child!


Have a great night all!