Cash wedding presents vs. honeymoon fund?

[amberpi]

My only issue with honeymoon funds are that I’m always left wondering if the experiences are a jacked up rate, what % the site is taking, etc. so I just do cash. I have 0 issue with it, I’m just a skeptic.

 

[jrmasm]

I think it's tacky but I'm old.

 

[Skellingtonj]

I have no problem with the honeymoon money. I'm 43 and my MUCH younger half brother 25 got married last summer and just asked for money for the honeymoon. I think it is generational and I'm kind of on the cusp of the different ages.

Ha I’m 43 and I’m against the honeymoon fund. We give money here as a gift so why not just take that and use it for your honeymoon. I’m just not a fan

 

[ronandannette]

My only issue with honeymoon funds are that I’m always left wondering if the experiences are a jacked up rate, what % the site is taking, etc. so I just do cash. I have 0 issue with it, I’m just a skeptic.

Worse actually, according to some people who have participated in this type of registry. The gift-giver chooses and pays for an “experience” as listed on the registry but the couple actually gets a credit in that dollar amount for the resort or travel agency or whatever. They use it as they please, not necessarily on the specific experience that may have been thoughtfully chosen especially for them.

My problem with this isn’t that the couple does something different - heck, I exchanged a fair number of my own wedding gifts back in the day. What feels so wrong is that the whole premise is deceptive to make people think they’re actually purchasing a gift rather than just contributing money towards a vacation.

 

[mom2rose&john]

I see no problem with a honeymoon fund. I usually opt for cash presents at weddings. It is easier for me and I grew up with the notion that cash will start their journey a little bit easier. It's their wedding and marriage and up to them to do what they want.

 

[Kellykins1218]

If people don't want to get something off the registry, they'll give cash anyway. Asking for it? Completely tacky.

 

[cluvsdisney]

I don't think people should ask for money in any form (honeymoon fund, gift cards, etc.) but it wouldn't really matter to me because we always give checks as a wedding gift.

 

[leebee]

Worse actually, according to some people who have participated in this type of registry. The gift-giver chooses and pays for an “experience” as listed on the registry but the couple actually gets a credit in that dollar amount for the resort or travel agency or whatever. They use it as they please, not necessarily on the specific experience that may have been thoughtfully chosen especially for them.

My problem with this isn’t that the couple does something different - heck, I exchanged a fair number of my own wedding gifts back in the day. What feels so wrong is that the whole premise is deceptive to make people think they’re actually purchasing a gift rather than just contributing money towards a vacation.

I've seen honeymoon funds done two ways: One as a cash contribution to the total cost, and the other where the giver picks an experience that the couple has listed within the fund and pays for that experience. I don't like either, but I have donated twice to honeymoon funds. It just feels a little tacky, but in the long run, the outcome is the same: The couple gets the cash (just less if I've had fees deducted from my contribution). *What do you think about the idea of a small registry list, then maybe removing the registry information several weeks before the wedding? Or is that TOO manipulative?*

Geez, when did this all get so complicated? Gift for the shower, cash for the wedding, who cares how they use the money?

*ETA: I thought it sounded pretty manipulative, but an co-worker suggested this.*

 

[ronandannette]

I've seen honeymoon funds done two ways: One as a cash contribution to the total cost, and the other where the giver picks an experience that the couple has listed within the fund and pays for that experience. I don't like either, but I have donated twice to honeymoon funds. It just feels a little tacky, but in the long run, the outcome is the same: The couple gets the cash (just less if I've had fees deducted from my contribution). What do you think about the idea of a small registry list, then maybe removing the registry information several weeks before the wedding? Or is that TOO manipulative?

Geez, when did this all get so complicated? Gift for the shower, cash for the wedding, who cares how they use the money?

Honestly, @leebee as has been mentioned by practically everyone on the thread, I think that most of the guests will give money instead of gifts. The vast majority will. Skip the honeymoon registry and therefore avoid any possible etiquette issues - they’ll end up with just as much cash in the long run.

If anybody is close enough to ask you (or them) what they want I think it’s fine to mention a “honeymoon fund” they’re saving for without belabouring it.

 

[jrmasm]

I've seen honeymoon funds done two ways: One as a cash contribution to the total cost, and the other where the giver picks an experience that the couple has listed within the fund and pays for that experience. I don't like either, but I have donated twice to honeymoon funds. It just feels a little tacky, but in the long run, the outcome is the same: The couple gets the cash (just less if I've had fees deducted from my contribution). What do you think about the idea of a small registry list, then maybe removing the registry information several weeks before the wedding? Or is that TOO manipulative?

Geez, when did this all get so complicated? Gift for the shower, cash for the wedding, who cares how they use the money?

Yes

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Not a fan of honeymoon funds where the registry keeps part of the haul. And it's rather tacky.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I wouldn't say that it's completely a generational thing. I'm 29 and think the honeymoon fund sites are incredibly tacky. I don't like the idea of asking for money and don't generally give money as gifts. I also find it weird to give money to a fund when the recipients won't actually be receiving the entire amount. It would feel like I was either jypping that couple out of part of their gift (through the fees) or feel like I should give more than what I really wanted to.

Most people choose to give cash at weddings, so in that case the couple would really probably just be losing part of their gifts in fees if they had a fund. For the guests that aren't likely to give cash, they will likely still either get a physical gift (regardless of whether it's in the registry or not), or feel uncomfortable with the lack of registry/ set up of the honeymoon fund and may give less than they otherwise would have. It just seems simpler to do without the fund and let people gift as they wish.

My uncle had a honey fund set up for his wedding a couple years ago (they were in their late 40s). I think they ended up getting one small (like less than $200) donation to it. Through the grapevine it was passed that most guests found it was tacky and some admitted to giving less cash gifts than they otherwise would have. They had a very small registry and ended up with a ton of really strange off-registry items at the shower as well (used stuffed animals and dish towels, dusty candles from the re-sale with a .50 sticker...) Several family members said they didn't know what to get since the registry was so small, though it did seem like some of the gifts were kind of a weird protest of the registry/honey fund.

 

[mjkacmom]

Around here cash is king. I wouldn’t give to a company that charged fees or tricked me to pick out an excursion that was just going to be cash anyway.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I've seen honeymoon funds done two ways: One as a cash contribution to the total cost, and the other where the giver picks an experience that the couple has listed within the fund and pays for that experience. I don't like either, but I have donated twice to honeymoon funds. It just feels a little tacky, but in the long run, the outcome is the same: The couple gets the cash (just less if I've had fees deducted from my contribution). What do you think about the idea of a small registry list, then maybe removing the registry information several weeks before the wedding? Or is that TOO manipulative?

Geez, when did this all get so complicated? Gift for the shower, cash for the wedding, who cares how they use the money?

That comes across as very tacky and manipulative. The wedding couple should practice their "gratitude attitude"--friends and family are gracious enough to share their joy and provide a gift to wish the couple well. You don't want people being resentful because the couple comes across as money-grubbing and greedy.

 

[soccerdad72]

Couples overthink this these days. The vast majority give cash gifts for weddings, so create a registry, let people ignore it and they'll give cash anyways.

 

[1GoldenSun]

I think times have changed. I'm 51 and when all my friends were getting married back in the 90s, the thing to do was to chose something from the registry, usually in the $50 range. Older people--aunts/uncles/grandparents/family friends might give a check for a much larger amount, but not a whole lot was expected of same-age friends who were also busy getting their start in life.

I didn't get married until I was in my 30s--some of my friends were having their 2nd weddings by then, haha. I had a house and everything I needed, but I still registered for all the traditional stuff--"wedding" china, silver, stemware, etc. So I got all the fancy stuff, and I have used it well over the years and thoroughly enjoyed having it.

But people seem to be a little more minimalist these days, and value different things. I know older people who are having a difficult time finding a family member to even take Grandma's good china, when a couple generations ago it might have been fought over. Many people don't want "wedding" china and all the trappings anymore. When my (considerably younger) cousin got married, he and his fiancee registered for cycling, kayaking, and camping equipment, as that is what they are interested in. I'm sure they appreciated and used that stuff way more than they would have a set of fine china or a silver tea set.

I think it is still a little presumptuous to flat-out ask for money, but I think honeymoon registries are fine these days. An actual registry, with items for people to choose from--such as a dinner cruise, or a zipline excursion, or a walking tour--all give wedding guests the opportunity to feel part of the experience, and they can enjoy knowing exactly what they gave. I don't think it's tacky to even include the option to purchase a night's hotel accommodations or airfare vouchers. I do agree with a previous poster that it shouldn't be expected that one's honeymoon be entirely funded by wedding guests--the couple should be prepared to pay for the honeymoon themselves. But that's always been part of the wedding experience. After the wedding, the couple can "fill out" their registry by purchasing items they didn't receive (usually at a discount) to complete a set or whatever.

The last wedding I attended--just about a month ago--the couple was registered on Amazon, and I purchased $200 worth of Southwest vouchers for them. I was either going to give them a check or this, and I enjoyed the idea that I was helping send them somewhere.

What would be really nice is if the couple took pictures of themselves on their honeymoon enjoying all of these gifted experiences and included the photo with the thank-you note to the couple that gave it.

 

[HopperFan]

Will soon be on this crazy train and already have spoken to DD & DS about this part, all agreed that Honeymoon Funds are tacky. They had a cousin do it and it was .... wait, what? Isn't the groom supposed to pay for the honeymoon? (money is no issue for them) He wants the guests to cover it for him. So the brides parents are paying all this money for a wedding, the bride is picking up costs for her bridesmaids luncheon and more, the grooms parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and now the groom wants to bail out on doing his part? He put a ring on the finger now he's done? Sometimes when you let others pay for things, they kinda aren't your own anymore. I just don't get putting that kind of thinking out there and honestly if you offend me up front, you'll likely get less (and it's happened). If they get cash/checks etc they can use them any way they want so just decide in advance between the two of you those will be used to pay off honeymoon and don't involve the guests in your decision.

I never give cash or checks. Cash disappears quickly and I feel is often used for everyday expenses which is not my intent. Checks, I don't share that bank info unless I absolutely have to. I give Gift Cards to somewhere on their registry OR a bank one, and hope that they are used for an item they may need or a big ticket item that it may help towards ... like a grill or piece of furniture or tv. Sure, a bank card can be used for extras on their honeymoon and I suppose they can burn at Starbucks but at least a large Gift Card is a signal that it should be put towards something special, which I usually note in card.

We used to attach (I worry about loose envelopes) to a smaller symbolic gift - usually something monogrammed. BUT sadly, IF we even get a thank you, it's usually a "rubber stamped" generic message. Another discussion that has been had with my kids. Get those thank you notes out as soon as you return from honeymoon, put it in calendar as it is as important as any other part of the wedding. Make it personal to each person who took the time to celebrate you, mentioning the gift so your guests know you appreciate.

Since thanks and appreciation have slowly diminished, I just mail a card with the gift card. We don't have to handle if we go or hopefully worry about it getting lost. Last two weddings we did not attend but sent gift; one sent thank you note, one did not. I know the one who didn't ... grooms parents (our cousins) would be mortified to know they didn't. Overall last 7 weddings, 3 sent thank yous (two generic) and 4 did not send thank yous. One who didn't send ... our whole family took time, traveled out of state, hotels, food expenses plus gift. Still no thank you.

 

[SharonZ]

Count me in as one who thinks it's tacky. If you have a limited gift registry list, then you will more than likely receive checks as gifts. You can use that money on anything that you like, but buying "experiences" is not something I want to see.

 

[luvsJack]

I am pretty sure that if there had been message boards when gift registries were invented, you would be able to find a whole bunch of discussions about "oh my! How tacky can you get?? ASKING for particular gifts! Its supposed to be up to the gift giver!"

Its just another way to give a gift. Especially for people who have family and/or friends that live far away but don't want to send a check in the mail (or don't have checks). They can give a "cash" gift with their debit card!

Be forewarned if you give to a Disney honeymoon fund, it doesn't even go into a Disney account or have to pay for a Disney trip. They get the money deposited into their personal account so they can use it however they want to. Which if you think about it, makes sense. Lot can happen to keep the couple from going to Disney or on any honeymoon, it would be terrible if someone paid for say a massage at Disney for the couple and they didn't even get to go!

I don't see how "expecting" money is ok but having a fund set up or a box at the wedding labeled "honeymoon fund" or a money tree or whatever is tacky. Making sure you have a "limited registry list" is sort of manipulative, isn't it? Wouldn't that be tacky?

Isn't the whole "cover you plate" thing about giving cash?

 

[mjkacmom]

I think times have changed. I'm 51 and when all my friends were getting married back in the 90s, the thing to do was to chose something from the registry, usually in the $50 range. Older people--aunts/uncles/grandparents/family friends might give a check for a much larger amount, but not a whole lot was expected of same-age friends who were also busy getting their start in life.

I didn't get married until I was in my 30s--some of my friends were having their 2nd weddings by then, haha. I had a house and everything I needed, but I still registered for all the traditional stuff--"wedding" china, silver, stemware, etc. So I got all the fancy stuff, and I have used it well over the years and thoroughly enjoyed having it.

But people seem to be a little more minimalist these days, and value different things. I know older people who are having a difficult time finding a family member to even take Grandma's good china, when a couple generations ago it might have been fought over. Many people don't want "wedding" china and all the trappings anymore. When my (considerably younger) cousin got married, he and his fiancee registered for cycling, kayaking, and camping equipment, as that is what they are interested in. I'm sure they appreciated and used that stuff way more than they would have a set of fine china or a silver tea set.

I think it is still a little presumptuous to flat-out ask for money, but I think honeymoon registries are fine these days. An actual registry, with items for people to choose from--such as a dinner cruise, or a zipline excursion, or a walking tour--all give wedding guests the opportunity to feel part of the experience, and they can enjoy knowing exactly what they gave. I don't think it's tacky to even include the option to purchase a night's hotel accommodations or airfare vouchers. I do agree with a previous poster that it shouldn't be expected that one's honeymoon be entirely funded by wedding guests--the couple should be prepared to pay for the honeymoon themselves. But that's always been part of the wedding experience. After the wedding, the couple can "fill out" their registry by purchasing items they didn't receive (usually at a discount) to complete a set or whatever.

The last wedding I attended--just about a month ago--the couple was registered on Amazon, and I purchased $200 worth of Southwest vouchers for them. I was either going to give them a check or this, and I enjoyed the idea that I was helping send them somewhere.

What would be really nice is if the couple took pictures of themselves on their honeymoon enjoying all of these gifted experiences and included the photo with the thank-you note to the couple that gave it.

I’m the same age as you are, I got married at 28, the second out of all of my high school and college friends. Friends gave around $100 pp, older relatives gave more. I received a few actual gifts from DH’s out of state relatives. From what I understand, the honeymoon registry is a bit of a scam, you give them zip lining, they get a check with a fee removed. Couples here are saving up the $80,000 or so they need for their starter home down payment, cash works well for that.