10 year old DD suddenly giving problems at bedtime

[smilie]

It slowly started with her getting out of bed several times right after bedtime. Now it's become a complete breakdown/crying. She said she misses me, said her stomach hurts. Her dad told me she does this at his house too. Sunday night he said she was up until after midnight. In and out of her room. Doing stupid little things like coming out of her room, putting a toy on the floor, waving to him and back in her room. He said after 3 hours of it he was worn out and just went to bed. This to me sounds like she's trying to call the shots. Getting up to put toys on the floor is nonsense.

Last night she was with me. Her bedtime is at 8:30, it started with crying and coming out of her room every 5 minutes. At 9:00 I told her it was enough and she had to stay in her room and sleep, I had to sleep because of work in the morning. At least it didn't last 3 hours.

This is not normal for her. We've NEVER had issues at bed. It's usually a kiss/hug goodnight and that's it until morning. I need help! Has anyone dealt with issues like this?

ETA: Nothing has changed recently either. Our life situation has been the same for years. Nothing going on in school, no issues. I talked to her teacher to be sure.

 

[martikus]

This is written assuming there aren’t any life changes going on right now or huge issues with school.

Is it possible she isn’t tired? My son started being less tired about 10 (he is 12 now). We would go up at 8:30 and by time teeth etc it was 8:45 and then he could read for 15 min if he wanted.

And weekend nights (fri/sat) we let him stay up until 9:15 and then go up.

I personally use punishments at this age. If she can’t follow rules and go to bed then she loses whatever she loves next day (and have to stuck with it). For my son they would be iPad. It usually only took once or twice of punishment to work.

I find he is more disruptive when the hormones surge which seems to be about 6 months.

Good luck!

 

[dish rag]

Sternly say to get back in bed and don't come back out again till morning, or you will be punished.
Worked for my parents and worked for us. Works best when a parent takes control at the start.

 

[aprilchem]

I would agree with everyone else. My kids are 9,11, and 13, and we've enforced consequences for behavior like this (usually eliminating screen time the next day or assigning extra work around the house). We found that if we allow it to continue they keep pushing and bedtime just gets later and later.

 

[stsomewhere]

is it possible that she has PMS and doesnt understand what is going on with her body? She may no be feeling well due to cramping and crying due to hormones.

 

[jhoannam]

I agree with stsomewhere, it’s probably hormones. My 11YO has been having trouble falling asleep, which is unusual for her (until recently she was sleeping 11 hours) and talking it over with her it’s just hormones. Changes we’ve made: lots more physical activity - we take her to the pool and she swims half a mile, more sports and she’s allowed to stay up as long as she’s reading. Nothing much more we can do, it’s just life.

 

[cabanafrau]

It's likely part of the normal shift kids go through in this age range. Hormones do play a part and frequently kick up their anxieties. A bedtime routine is considered important in helping the body recognize it's time to sleep, no screens a couple hours before bed, dim lighting for an hour or two before bed. Other things that may help are listening to a book and eating a banana about an hour or so before bed -- triggers some chemicals in the body.

Try setting up a framework for your child to successfully get to sleep before moving directly to punishment when it's likely they're actually grappling with a dose of recurring anxiety and simply don't understand how to navigate it yet. Yes, there should be rules set in place. But it's far more helpful initially to guide them to unlocking the process that will actually help them get to sleep successfully. Once you feel confident you've given them the tools to achieve the goal, then there should be consequences for breaking rules.

 

[Hrhpd]

I agree that 99.99999999% of the time, this is probably just hormones, adolescence, etc. That said, if it was my kid, I would make an appt with our physician to rule out anything medical or emotional. Has something happened to her emotionally that is triggering this anxiety? Is she being bullied at school or assaulted? I would want to rule out everything medically and emotionally first before setting up a behavior plan. Sudden changes in behavior behooves a little digging into. It is probably nothing but I would rather be safe than sorry.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't think this is 'calling the shots'... Not unless you are having overall problems with this kind of attitude.
Is this only showing at night?

I would be concerned that something is 'off'.
Something has triggered this.
Perhaps just stress, hormones, etc...
Or, perhaps something is going on.

What aspect, even little, has changed in her life????
Could there be things going on that you are not aware of.
Kids sometimes refuse to open up to parents... And younger children sometimes simply do not know how to verbalize their concerns, anxieties, or when something bad is happening to them.

With my son, when he was little (younger than 10, who sometimes dealt with becoming overwhelmed, anxiety, etc.) I found that direct questions would only put up those walls... But just 'talking'... like, "what did you have for lunch today"... "did they have your favorite curly fries"... "did you see your friend Kayleigh"... Just very non-stress and non committal conversation... which can then lead to them opening up with some comments that will help you decipher.

 

[LSUmiss]

I don't think this is 'calling the shots'... Not unless you are having overall problems with this kind of attitude.
Is this only showing at night?

I would be concerned that something is 'off'.
Something has triggered this.
Perhaps just stress, hormones, etc...
Or, perhaps something is going on.

What aspect, even little, has changed in her life????
Could there be things going on that you are not aware of.
Kids sometimes refuse to open up to parents... And younger children sometimes simply do not know how to verbalize their concerns, anxieties, or when something bad is happening to them.

With my son, when he was little (younger than 10, who sometimes dealt with becoming overwhelmed, anxiety, etc.) I found that direct questions would only put up those walls... But just 'talking'... like, "what did you have for lunch today"... "did they have your favorite curly fries"... "did you see your friend Kayleigh"... Just very non-stress and non committal conversation... which can then lead to them opening up with some comments that will help you decipher.

When I was a child therapist & parents saw changes like this & swore nothing changed, most of the time there was some trigger. It was often something small that seemed insignificant to the parents, but it wasn’t insignificant to the child. I would absolutely not punish her unless I was 1000% sure it is manipulative behavior. It breaks my heart to think of punishing a child that might be going through something.

 

[clutter]

This to me sounds like she's trying to call the shots. Getting up to put toys on the floor is nonsense.

Last night she was with me. Her bedtime is at 8:30, it started with crying and coming out of her room every 5 minutes. At 9:00 I told her it was enough and she had to stay in her room and sleep, I had to sleep because of work in the morning. At least it didn't last 3 hours.

This is not normal for her. We've NEVER had issues at bed. It's usually a kiss/hug goodnight and that's it until morning. I need help! Has anyone dealt with issues like this?

ETA: Nothing has changed recently either. Our life situation has been the same for years. Nothing going on in school, no issues. I talked to her teacher to be sure.

Does she have a history of being deliberately manipulative? If so, than there you go. If not, I don't understand why you would go there. OTOH, if there is something going on that triggered her, it may not be something that she is aware of, and likely nothing the teacher knows about.

I'd consider that she no longer needs such an early bedtime. Or that she just needs a little more parental connection. Even just doing something quietly in the same room before bed - her reading, you paying bills or folding laundry or sending emails, or such - might help.

And then there are the hormones.... Sometimes changes in their bodies (with mine it was teeth) just triggers them to want to hang around with parents more.

 

[cabanafrau]

Could it be indicative that "something is going on"? Yes, it is possible. However the first thing I would take into consideration is the fact that this is smackdab in the thick of the stage of normal adolescent development where sleep disturbance and anxiety routinely crop up. Absent a parent having even the slightest doubt anything sinister is at the root of this behavioral change I'd think horses before zebras.

 

[LSUmiss]

Could it be indicative that "something is going on"? Yes, it is possible. However the first thing I would take into consideration is the fact that this is smackdab in the thick of the stage of normal adolescent development where sleep disturbance and anxiety routinely crop up. Absent a parent having even the slightest doubt anything sinister is at the root of this behavioral change I'd think horses before zebras.

Right, but that’s also what I mean by something going on. Could be anxiety related to something relatively minor but not manipulative behavior that needs to be punished.

 

[cabanafrau]

Right, but that’s also what I mean by something going on. Could be anxiety related to something relatively minor but not manipulative behavior that needs to be punished.

I didn't address it in this response, but above I distinctly recommended against jumping to disciplining or punishing and suggested helping the kid develop some tools for working through any anxiety and being able to get to sleep.

 

[smilie]

It's mostly happening at night but I'm also noticing a lot more attitude with little things like cleaning her room. When made to do that chore she becomes quite upset and stomps around. This past weekend she didn't want to do it, but was told that it's her responsibility, I came out to a note in the kitchen to "leave me alone, you hurt my feelings when you made me clean my room, I don't want to talk to anyone". That along with the crying at night time really makes me believe it's hormonal. I have a few things I want to try tonight, I don't want to get angry with her. That's only going to make things worse. Especially with not knowing what is actually causing all of this. It just caught me so off guard. It's not like her at all.

 

[Hrhpd]

Could it be indicative that "something is going on"? Yes, it is possible. However the first thing I would take into consideration is the fact that this is smackdab in the thick of the stage of normal adolescent development where sleep disturbance and anxiety routinely crop up. Absent a parent having even the slightest doubt anything sinister is at the root of this behavioral change I'd think horses before zebras.

But what if it is Zebras? Zebras are rare but they do exist. I would definitely rule out Zebras before putting horses on a behavior plan. It wouldn't be much work, a consult with the physician and maybe a couple of session with a therapist to rule out Zebras. I would hate to believe that my child's reluctance to be alone in a bedroom at night was just manipulative behavior when there is even the remotest possibility that there is a reason she doesn't want to be alone in her bedroom at night.

For someone that works in the social services industry, I am surprised that you would not recommend even a cursory examination of possible underlying causes and that you would ignore sudden behavior changes in a child, jumping immediately to behavior.

 

[cabanafrau]

But what if it is Zebras? Zebras are rare but they do exist. I would definitely rule out Zebras before putting horses on a behavior plan. It wouldn't be much work, a consult with the physician and maybe a couple of session with a therapist to rule out Zebras. I would hate to believe that my child's reluctance to be alone in a bedroom at night was just manipulative behavior when there is even the remotest possibility that there is a reason she doesn't want to be alone in her bedroom at night.

For someone that works in the social services industry, I am surprised that you would not recommend even a cursory examination of possible underlying causes and that you would ignore sudden behavior changes in a child, jumping immediately to behavior.

"Absent a parent having even the slightest doubt anything sinister is at the root of this behavioral change" -- I believe covers the gap you're suggesting I'm dismissing.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Right, but that’s also what I mean by something going on. Could be anxiety related to something relatively minor but not manipulative behavior that needs to be punished.

I was going to say that the crying coupled with the perceived stomach ache could be related to anxiety. It was around last year that my kids started to develop some symptoms of anxiety. I took them to a family counselor who said it’s pretty normal to feel that way around this stage in life, they just have to learn to manage it.

Good luck OP!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

It's mostly happening at night but I'm also noticing a lot more attitude with little things like cleaning her room. When made to do that chore she becomes quite upset and stomps around. This past weekend she didn't want to do it, but was told that it's her responsibility, I came out to a note in the kitchen to "leave me alone, you hurt my feelings when you made me clean my room, I don't want to talk to anyone". That along with the crying at night time really makes me believe it's hormonal. I have a few things I want to try tonight, I don't want to get angry with her. That's only going to make things worse. Especially with not knowing what is actually causing all of this. It just caught me so off guard. It's not like her at all.

I feel like my kids are changing seemingly overnight too. Puberty is F-U-N!

 

[Skellingtonj]

Kids are weird. It could be nothing. Push back her bedtime by half hour or so. My kids take melatonin some nights. It helps them sleep.