Cash wedding presents vs. honeymoon fund?

[HopperFan]

o.k. so i'm guessing from the general vibe on this thread NO ONE thinks the shower invite i once received that included a print-out of the registry with an item highlighted on it and written next to that item 'YOU WILL BRING THIS' was in any way, shape or form NOT TACKY


p.s. did NOT attend nor gift for that shower and heard via the grapevine that the guest of honer was very surprised/disappointed at the low attendance at her shower (for the record-SHE was in on how the invitations were done, it wasn't some rogue family/bridal party member).

Worse than tacky. This happened to DS ... he was invited to a couple shower and was told what to bring. Not only was he shocked but he found out it was formal being held at a hotel. A shower. He politely declined the invite and the assignment. It ended up being a bridezilla situation - directed at everyone, even guests ... so he opted to pass on the whole affair and "friendship" - which is sad but her true colors came out.

This entire wedding environment has gotten out of control. It seems to focus on gifts, social media appearance, one upping the last etc ............ and sadly the true purpose is getting lost. When I was talking the the bride friend yesterday she mentioned a young cousin was upset to not bring a plus one, so we got talking about guests. I told her I expect to be invited to my kids weddings, no others. No one should expect to be invited and honestly every wedding can happen with the bride, the groom and an officiant. The rest of us are extras ... so she needs to remember it's about her and her fiance, stop worrying about the rest. Enjoy her day, her moment and don't let the silly stuff worry her - especially a kid having a temper tantrum.

 

[DisneyHardin]

o.k. so i'm guessing from the general vibe on this thread NO ONE thinks the shower invite i once received that included a print-out of the registry with an item highlighted on it and written next to that item 'YOU WILL BRING THIS' was in any way, shape or form NOT TACKY

That is totally bonkers!!!! I did attend a bridal shower one time that was called a "Round the Clock" shower and you were assigned a time in your invitation and were supposed to bring a gift that the bride would uses at that time of day. I thought that was kind of neat.

 

[anniemae]

This entire wedding environment has gotten out of control. It seems to focus on gifts, social media appearance, one upping the last etc ............ and sadly the true purpose is getting lost.

This is so true. Traditionally showers were meant to help start a young couple off on their new life. Gifts were to be practical like sheets, towels, a toaster, pans, kitchen utensiles etc. Now a days many couple live together prior to being married so they already have these items, so it seems to have slowly evolved into more "wants" vs. "needs" when it used to be the opposite. Weddings that used to be simple are now extravagant, or destination weddings with guests expected to shell out transpiration and lodging expenses. Bachelorette parties have turned into weekend outings. All with the vibe of "you should be honored to be asked to be a part of this." And of course the whole things needs to be captured and splashed all over social media to prove how wonderful and happy it all was. It seems in many cases, the wedding is more important than the marriage.

 

[HopperFan]

This is so true. Traditionally showers were meant to help start a young couple off on their new life. Gifts were to be practical like sheets, towels, a toaster, pans, kitchen utensiles etc. Now a days many couple live together prior to being married so they already have these items, so it seems to have slowly evolved into more "wants" vs. "needs" when it used to be the opposite. Weddings that used to be simple are now extravagant, or destination weddings with guests expected to shell out transpiration and lodging expenses. Bachelorette parties have turned into weekend outings. All with the vibe of "you should be honored to be asked to be a part of this." And of course the whole things needs to be captured and splashed all over social media to prove how wonderful and happy it all was. It seems in many cases, the wedding is more important than the marriage.

My kids joke, the more that is spent the more likely it won't last ....

They've watched 8 cousins on one side get married with great variety.
Everything from a social show to just the parents invited at a hillside chapel.
The most expensive one didn't last a year.
The dad took a huge loss on that one.
At least her second wedding she didn't publicize or expect gifts .... the old ones were still warm.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Now a days many couple live together prior to being married so they already have these items, so it seems to have slowly evolved into more "wants" vs. "needs" when it used to be the opposite.

OR they don't live together, get certain things hand down from their own families mixed with purchases of things on their own. Sometimes they decide they'll deal with that stuff for a while and instead ask for things they purely want. Sometimes they decide it's time to upgrade on quality of items and so they ask for those sheets even though they aren't needed and are really just wants at that time.

It's not an all or nothing situation.

 

[anniemae]

OR they don't live together, get certain things hand down from their own families mixed with purchases of things on their own. Sometimes they decide they'll deal with that stuff for a while and instead ask for things they purely want. Sometimes they decide it's time to upgrade on quality of items and so they ask for those sheets even though they aren't needed and are really just wants at that time.

It's not an all or nothing situation.

Of course. There are hundreds of scenarios. My point was that long ago, kids lived with mom and dad until they got married. Both kids would embark into married life with nothing to set up a home. They needed all those practical items to start a home, hence the shower.

Today, things are different. People leave home way before being married since people are getting married much older now. Some live on their own, some with friends, some with significant others etc. Many young people today have the funds to buy their own toaster, sheets etc. People wait many many years before getting married choosing to focus on career, degrees, travel, internships etc. If you marry in your thirties and have been living alone for 10 years, you have towels and spoons. My point was that things have evolved since the days of people marrying young and leaving the family home and going right into marriage.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Of course. There are hundreds of scenarios. My point was that long ago, kids lived with mom and dad until they got married. Both kids would embark into married life with nothing to set up a home. They needed all those practical items to start a home, hence the shower.

Today, things are different. People leave home way before being married since people are getting married much older now. Some live on their own, some with friends, some with significant others etc. Many young people today have the funds to buy their own toaster, sheets etc. People wait many many years before getting married choosing to focus on career, degrees, travel, internships etc. If you marry in your thirties and have been living alone for 10 years, you have towels and spoons. My point was that things have evolved since the days of people marrying young and leaving the family home and going right into marriage.

True true I just don't see those particular things mentioned above as a negative and it came across that way to me maybe because it was coupled with the other things you mentioned. But I for sure could have been reading that wrong

 

[mjkacmom]

Of course. There are hundreds of scenarios. My point was that long ago, kids lived with mom and dad until they got married. Both kids would embark into married life with nothing to set up a home. They needed all those practical items to start a home, hence the shower.

Today, things are different. People leave home way before being married since people are getting married much older now. Some live on their own, some with friends, some with significant others etc. Many young people today have the funds to buy their own toaster, sheets etc. People wait many many years before getting married choosing to focus on career, degrees, travel, internships etc. If you marry in your thirties and have been living alone for 10 years, you have towels and spoons. My point was that things have evolved since the days of people marrying young and leaving the family home and going right into marriage.

DH and moved out of our parents homes after college, I lived alone, he had 2 roommates, we got married 6 years later. All of our stuff was hand me down dead aunt crap. Cheap bedding and towels, mismatched pots, plates, tablewear. Dd22 moved out of here her junior year of college, she has the same unfortunate household supplies. The COL here is crazy, a one bedroom apartment is over $1000. Why should these independent young adults be penalized for not living with their parents?

 

[skyblue17]

DH and moved out of our parents homes after college, I lived alone, he had 2 roommates, we got married 6 years later. All of our stuff was hand me down dead aunt crap. Cheap bedding and towels, mismatched pots, plates, tablewear. Dd22 moved out of here her junior year of college, she has the same unfortunate household supplies. The COL here is crazy, a one bedroom apartment is over $1000. Why should these independent young adults be penalized for not living with their parents?

Right! I live in NYC and most of my friends and coworkers (ranging early 20s to late 30s) that aren't married either live in relatively small apartments or with multiple roommates. I've lived here for 15 years and still don't really own anything of monetary value. In fact, it's actually harder to get things like couches and kitchen tables because no one person wants to shell out for a nice version of something and then have to move it, or be left without when the person who bought it leaves. It's always been a little ironic to me that as soon as an individual doubles their income by getting married, they get all the new stuff but the people supporting themselves fend for themselves.

 

[Christine]

when i was married almost 30 years ago it was considered, where i grew up, tacky by my mom's generation (she was born in the 1920's) to register let alone include any mention of where you were registered in any wedding/shower announcement/invite. though mom came around over the years to the idea that having a gift registry was VERY helpful for guests it just wasn't something that was done when she was a newlywed b/c (her mindset) 'registries are for rich people who only want china/silver/crystal, and anyone who is close enough family/friends to be invited to a wedding is close enough that if they need to know what the couple is in need of they can reach out to the mob/mog'. it was her mindset as it was with many of her peers.

Similar for me. I got married in 1983. I lived in a somewhat rural area and, honestly, I don't even recall that there was a registry that I could have gotten on. So I had no registry for either my shower or wedding. OMG, how did I ever manage? I do remember for my shower, my MOH asking my preferences in colors and apparently that got put in the invitation. So I was big into maroon/burgundy then so I got appropriate-colored towels, sheets, potholders etc. My MOH also knew what size bed I had. Of course, these were the days when people called to RSVP so they would say to her: "Hey so what's she need, what colors does she like, etc." Of course my shower was fairly small and everyone knew me anyway. It was all good. Same for the wedding. I think I got a lot more actual gifts than what people give for weddings now. The guests who bought these had to figure out something for me and pick what they thought was a good gift. You know, I still have some of those things and I actually treasure them all, silly as they might sound. Someone got me a bread basket where the basket itself was made of thin, pure silver strands. One of my friends who had ZERO money, managed to get me a crystal bowl that I will keep forever. The gifts weren't "needed" and I'd certainly never put them on a registry but they had a lot of thought behind them and they were unique. I always try to find something unique for someone, even if I've giving cash, because the registry stuff is just so utilitarian. But I realize that a lot of people don't have the time or inclination to really get into shopping for something like that.

 

[barkley]

My point was that long ago, kids lived with mom and dad until they got married. Both kids would embark into married life with nothing to set up a home. They needed all those practical items to start a home, hence the shower.

don't forget that some of them embarked with the contents of the bride's hope chest so they did have some basic household items but i think the concept of 'having nothing to set up a home' with has dramatically changed over the years. what i perceive as the basics to set up a household has expanded over the years-a microwave was a luxury when i entered adulthood but it's a basic startup item for most households these days. for me circa '79 it was a few pots and pans, a cookie sheet, a strainer, 1 or 2 mixing bowls, some eating and cooking utensils (basically a spatula, tongs and a wooden spoon), a couple of 'electronics' like a toaster and a can opener and a small amount of plates/bowls/glasses/cups. linens were enough towels to get from laundry day to laundry day and at least 2 sets of sheets/a couple of blankets and a bedspread (optional). stuff for cleaning-laundry basket, broom, dustpan, mop/bucket.

i look to many if not most shower/wedding registries and it's almost never basic stuff anymore (not considering registries back then/now w/china and such). granted, nowadays some type of electric mixer or blender is pretty basic for many people to start out with i don't think a full blown kitchen aid or a vitamix or ninja is basic, a crockpot is pretty basic but the top of the line instapot is not, coffee maker-yes but not a top of the line espresso machine or a margarita maker or pasta machine or food processor or roomba/other high end vacuum. definitely not basics.

sure, i don't know a single person who didn't put some nicer wished for items on their wedding registries but in recent years i just don't see the things on registries that used to be the staples.

 

[bethbuchall]

My son and daughter-in-law had their wedding 2.5 years ago, and my daughter and son-in-law got married this past summer. Both had small weddings (fewer than 50 people, including parents, grandparents, siblings, etc) that were fairly simple, casual. Neither had a shower or a registry. I guess they didn't really need a registry, since everyone who was invited knew them pretty well. Most gifts were cash, though they also received some other gifts.

I think that a honeymoon registry is tacky because I feel it's kind of deceptive, but I'm also a person who has no problems giving (or receiving) a cash gift. Often I'll wrap it up with a suggestion for the use, but I also make it clear that I don't care how it's used. For weddings, I usually go with cash or cash with something small off the registry depending on the person. If someone had a honeymoon registry, I wouldn't get irritated or give them less. I'd just go with my usual cash gift while judgmentally shaking my head in private (Not really, though I might make mention of it to my husband or daughter.) Some people think that giving cash is tacky and impersonal, so I can see how giving an experience (even if that's not what they're really doing) would feel better to them.

 

[mjkacmom]

don't forget that some of them embarked with the contents of the bride's hope chest so they did have some basic household items but i think the concept of 'having nothing to set up a home' with has dramatically changed over the years. what i perceive as the basics to set up a household has expanded over the years-a microwave was a luxury when i entered adulthood but it's a basic startup item for most households these days. for me circa '79 it was a few pots and pans, a cookie sheet, a strainer, 1 or 2 mixing bowls, some eating and cooking utensils (basically a spatula, tongs and a wooden spoon), a couple of 'electronics' like a toaster and a can opener and a small amount of plates/bowls/glasses/cups. linens were enough towels to get from laundry day to laundry day and at least 2 sets of sheets/a couple of blankets and a bedspread (optional). stuff for cleaning-laundry basket, broom, dustpan, mop/bucket.

i look to many if not most shower/wedding registries and it's almost never basic stuff anymore (not considering registries back then/now w/china and such). granted, nowadays some type of electric mixer or blender is pretty basic for many people to start out with i don't think a full blown kitchen aid or a vitamix or ninja is basic, a crockpot is pretty basic but the top of the line instapot is not, coffee maker-yes but not a top of the line espresso machine or a margarita maker or pasta machine or food processor or roomba/other high end vacuum. definitely not basics.

sure, i don't know a single person who didn't put some nicer wished for items on their wedding registries but in recent years i just don't see the things on registries that used to be the staples.

I think it’s the opposite, when I got married folks put expensive china, crystal, and silver on registries. Now that folks have been living on their own with their spatula and bargain vacuum, they are registering for upgrades. Why would they register for basic things they already have?

 

[barkley]

I think it’s the opposite, when I got married folks put expensive china, crystal, and silver on registries. Now that folks have been living on their own with their spatula and bargain vacuum, they are registering for upgrades. Why would they register for basic things they already have?

i was responding to another post wherein the concept of showers being thrown was because it was a necessity to provide basics. maybe it's b/c of where i grew up but the only shower registries i encountered were for babies and i can't imagine people registering for china, crystal and silver as shower gifts.

 

[mjkacmom]

i was responding to another post wherein the concept of showers being thrown was because it was a necessity to provide basics. maybe it's b/c of where i grew up but the only shower registries i encountered were for babies and i can't imagine people registering for china, crystal and silver as shower gifts.

Well they do (or at least did) here. Actually China was probably the #1 on the list. I got married 24 years ago, i just registered for good wine glasses (that I never use because I can wash them in the dishwasher). I got dead aunt silver and china (which I also never use). My grandmother bought me rather expensive everyday flatware that I still use today.

 

[Skellingtonj]

o.k. so i'm guessing from the general vibe on this thread NO ONE thinks the shower invite i once received that included a print-out of the registry with an item highlighted on it and written next to that item 'YOU WILL BRING THIS' was in any way, shape or form NOT TACKY


p.s. did NOT attend nor gift for that shower and heard via the grapevine that the guest of honer was very surprised/disappointed at the low attendance at her shower (for the record-SHE was in on how the invitations were done, it wasn't some rogue family/bridal party member).

Wait what?? No. Just no. Tackiest thing I have ever heard of. Who was this person to you?

 

[Pumbaa_]

I like shower registries. The happy couple is saying these are some things we need/want. I can often find something in my price range and if not going can have it shipped too

If you need absolutely nothing, then why have a shower? I do not give cash for showers. So if there are no gifts you need, then I’ve got nothing

For a wedding we give a check mit is traditional in New England to do so

If you have a honeymoon fund, and if I were to pick an activity, I would truly feel tricked if that activity did not take place. You asked for it, I spent time thinking about you and what you might enjoy. To find out that’s not how it works? I would feel cheated and duped.

 

[disykat]

again-it's different attitudes/practices.

i worked with a group of people for whom not only would they never choose to have any form of a shower, so much as being thrown a surprise one (with the best of all intentions) would have been perceived as tremendously personally insulting as well as hurtful and embarrassing to themselves and their extended family. it was a cultural thing plain and simple, and while they accepted and appreciated gifts AFTER marriage or AFTER the birth of a child to have done it in the form of a shower would have placed a very shameful negative light on both of these special occasions.

i personally believe that if a person does not want a shower or asks for no gifts that their wishes should be respected. the wants of others, even if done out of love and affection shouldn't override the expressed requests of the 'guest of honor'.

I certainly agree with you about respecting the wishes of the bride and groom. We were requested to not give gifts at the wedding, so we did not. Practice in our group was for girlfriends to "shower" the bride with love and gifts, so that is what we did - in a simpler form. No disrespect given. I happen to know the bride in the instance I gave WANTED the party with her girlfriends, despite not wanting people to spend money when she was about to be wealthy.

In my culture at the time I married, turning down a shower would have been insulting to those who wanted to show their love for you. I literally hate getting gifts and my family knows that at Christmas and Birthdays, but I accepted it as a rite of passage when I married and when I had kids. (and, frankly, was relieved that gift registries were a thing that helped me get things we needed.) My choice wasn't involved. It was the norm. And - as much as I'm not a gift person - I've been married 28 years, still use many of the gifts I received, and I can still tell you who gave me an item as I use it. (I was 29 when I married, but had mostly hand me downs and shared items with roommates. I didn't know any single people with nice dishware. The fact that I was older when I married made people MORE excited about the wedding and is probably the reason I was thrown so many showers.)

In cultures where showers prior to an event aren't believed in, of course you don't do showers. That doesn't change the fact that in many places showers were the norm and were NOT planned by the couple getting married. A couple didn't choose whether to have a shower, their community/family did.

 

[barkley]

Wait what?? No. Just no. Tackiest thing I have ever heard of. Who was this person to you?

a former coworker i had still retained a friendship with after she left our shared place of employment.

I've been married 28 years, still use many of the gifts I received, and I can still tell you who gave me an item as I use it. (I was 29 when I married, but had mostly hand me downs and shared items with roommates. I didn't know any single people with nice dishware. The fact that I was older when I married made people MORE excited about the wedding

i was also 29 when i married and am just shy of my 28th anniversary. i get the excitement aspect totally-we still joke that the record turnout for distant family members at my wedding vs. any of my older sibs/cousins was so everyone who had participated in the 'when will she FINALLY get married and settle down' pools and wagers could settle up and collect i seriously had one aunt pull me aside when i was 25 or so and hand me a set of the traditional wedding shower embroidered pillowcases she gifted telling me 'i'm tired of holding on to these for you, it's just never going to happen is it?'.

 

[mjkacmom]

a former coworker i had still retained a friendship with after she left our shared place of employment.



i was also 29 when i married and am just shy of my 28th anniversary. i get the excitement aspect totally-we still joke that the record turnout for distant family members at my wedding vs. any of my older sibs/cousins was so everyone who had participated in the 'when will she FINALLY get married and settle down' pools and wagers could settle up and collect i seriously had one aunt pull me aside when i was 25 or so and hand me a set of the traditional wedding shower embroidered pillowcases she gifted telling me 'i'm tired of holding on to these for you, it's just never going to happen is it?'.

I was 28 and definitely one of the youngest out of all of my friends to get married (and have a baby at 29, shocking!). I was the youngest out of my siblings and cousins, same with DH (he was the second out of his friends to get married and have a child).