At what age is it no longer appropriate for kids to be pantless when company is over?

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Not enforcing OUR values, HIS FATHER also told him to put pants on at previous Formal Sunday dinners hosted by DMUM.

His father had no issue me correcting, only my sister. He overruled her.

Not creating a rift between them.

I probably, if I felt inclined to even ask the child in the first place, would have backed off the first time he told me no and I would have approached his parent. After that it's not my concern.

What you ended up doing is keeping at it. I would have hoped your husband would have approached your brother-in-law (since he was the only one there in the beginning) and spoke with him not your husband, then you and then you again towards your nephew and then you again when speaking to your sister.

It also appears you're happy that your sister was overruled. You keep repeating this and it comes off like you're smug (and I'm not sure you intend to come off that way) that your brother-in-law 'put his foot down'. It comes off like you're far more concerned that your brother-in-law backed you up and overruled and put his foot down with your sister than the actual question. Clearly we understand that you don't feel its appropriate for the child to have his pants off. I think this may be a different type of thread if you were asking in regards to your own children not an incident regarding your sister's child.

Methinks there might be more to the story than we're getting. I feel like normally one wouldn't be so forceful regarding the issue nor essentially pitting parent against parent so publically. I'll admit I could have been reading it all wrong though.

 

[amberpi]

Maybe the kid is in league with the little man in my life, and is a militant part of the "no pants" movement. Some kids just wanna be naked I think?

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Maybe the kid is in league with the little man in my life, and is a militant part of the "no pants" movement. Some kids just wanna be naked I think?

lol

 

[BrianL]

I’ll probably regret this but here goes.

In our family the Aunties and Uncles are allowed to correct each other’s children. In particular my sister and I (and our spouses.) I babysat my nephew every weekend and every Wednesday for the first several years of his life. DN and DD are more like brother and sister rather than cousins. Our kids spent a LOT of time in each of our houses. I would have thought nothing of saying, “Dude, go put on some pants” and would have thought nothing of repeating it if he didn’t comply. My sister would’ve totally backed me up. It all depends on the family dynamic and it sounds like the OP might have one similar to mine.

As for pants at dinner, once past young toddler stage everyone should wear them.

Yes. There is an old saying that, "It takes a village...." I don't think that was inappropriate at all.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Yes. There is an old saying that, "It takes a village...." I don't think that was inappropriate at all.

If the mother of the child doesn't agree with the sister then the village needs to mind its own business.

 

[brockash]

Background: My mother hosted Sunday dinner last night. We ate outside, Mum now lives in a "Grannie Suite" attached to the main house my sister and I grew up in. DSIS and DBIL have bought 1/2 the house from DMUM. Attendees were DMUM, myself, DH, DD9, DAunt, DSIS, DBIL, DNephew5, DNiece3. We were carrying food out to the table and DH notices DNephew had a shirt, and sweatshirt on but no pants or shorts (he was wearing undies) DH asks him to go put shorts on as dinner will be ready soon. He says No, I don't have to. I reply "Your uncle has asked that you go put some shorts or pants on for dinner please go do it." This time DBIL overheard us saying the he needed to put pants on. DBIL agreed and told his son to put pants or shorts on for dinner. He goes upstairs. Comes down 5 minute later, no pants/shorts one. I tell him again, my DSIS is here now and says "he doesn't need to." My reply is DBIL told DNephew to put pants/shorts on." DSIS was a little huffy and said OK. DBIL backed me up and said if they "were at someone else's house he would have to have bottoms on. DSIS said "We're at home." DBIL replied "And there is company over. He is 5 and entering kindergarten in 3 weeks. He needs to learn new things as he's growing up." DSIS is still a bit upset that we (myself,DH, DMUM, DBIL) think that it's not appropriate for DNephew to be pantless at the table.

For the record I don't care what the rules are when it's just the 4 of them, but when company is over, the rules change. DD9 hasn't be less than fully clothed at the table since she was potty fully trained. DNeice 3 was fully clothed.

EDITED: DBIL (The child's father) has at previous occasions told said child to put pants on. EVERYONE else was in dressier clothes (button up shirts, khakis, or dresses)

I don't know what the appropriate age is and yes I'd think it was kinda odd that a 5 year old didn't have shorts on, but what I find even MORE odd, out of place and pushy is that you and your DH took it upon yourselves to tell your nephew what he needed to do, without checking with his parents first and when they were there. He's NOT your kid, all families are different and it's up to HIS parents to determine what he needs to do NOT you. My family is very close and my sister and I have kids around the same age, spend lots of time together etc., yet we have never in 16 years done something like that.
It just seems so crazy to think it would be my place to tell my nephew that he had to go put on pants when his parents are right there and it seems they really didn't have an issue with it. That's their choice and you were at THEIR house.

Trust me there are tons of parenting decisions that my dsis, bil, make that i dont agree with and im sure vice versa, but again NOT my place. If it was something dangerous, totally different, but something as silly as pants...def. not my place in my opinion.

 

[brockash]

No we went to my mother's house.

Either way not your house. Even if it was your house; I'd still think telling someone else's kid what to do/wear while his parents are there is very disrespectful and rude. I mean honestly, why are you the one that gets to decide what he has to do? It seems like you feel superior to the family (kids and parents) and you feel entitled to have things your way because of it.

 

[moon]

For the record I don't care what the rules are when it's just the 4 of them, but when company is over, the rules change. DD9 hasn't be less than fully clothed at the table since she was potty fully trained. DNeice 3 was fully clothed.

OP, this is what you said in your OP. It is clear you wanted to control the situation, and maybe knowing that your sister and her dh aren't always in agreement you manipulated the situation to put the two of them at odds over it. Personally I think doing that in front of their child is way worse than said 5 year old child sitting at the outside dinner table in his undies.
Somehow I think this about getting at your sister and not really about a young kid not wearing pants.

Oh, wow, I love how the Dis can turn anything into a really contrived soap opera

 

[brockash]

I have spoken with DBIL (the father) he agrees with me. My sister overules her husband. This time he put his foot down.

You didn't speak to him until after you and your DH decided to tell the kid what to do, according to your post. Again, even if you had, that's between you DBIL and your sister, none of your business.

 

[moon]

I think five five is too old to be walking around and sittting at the table without pants

 

[Nancyg56]

Not creating a rift between them.

I guess we have a different theory about causing a rift. Your BIL "put his foot down" in front of others. IMO that you instigated thsiand seem so comfortable with that outcome bemuses me.

Well you sure seem to get some satisfaction about your BIL disagreeing with your sister and hin agreeing with you, and her being upset about it.

I know. My siblings all have stepped in to discipline one of the kids, no matter whose children they were if they were actively misbehaving. Not one of us woudl have sent a child to put his pants on if the parent was right there. We may have suggest it to MOm or Dad, but that would have been a boundary for any one of us. Never would we undermine one parent in order to get "backing" from the other.

If the mother of the child doesn't agree with the sister than the village needs to mind its own business.

True.

 

[hodgieha]

OP, you're all over the place. You went from "time for pants buddy, dinner's almost ready" (seems like he wasn't causing any major problems) to saying he's urinated in the flower pot before and he's having problems at school. It went from a backyard dinner where the kid wearing a sweatshirt wasn't questioned to a formal dinner with everyone in "church attire."

If you really just wanted to see if others think that 5 is old enough to expect pants, you could have just asked that. The fact that you included ALL that other info comes across as if you want validation, or even praise, for correcting him. Now, that's not necessarily why you posted, but that is how it looks.

She added the urination statement as someone else said something about peeing near the dinner table. She was just responding that he had actually done something like that recently.

It also looks like he might have issues at school due to rules being enforced there but mom lets him do what he wants at home.

Unfortunately kids not given dicipline while young can’t sometimes handle it when given rules at school and act out.

 

[brockash]

Its my sister, and brother in law. Brother in law has mentioned numerous time before at previous sunday dinners for HIS Son to go put pant or shorts on.

Not your business! You DBIL is an adult...not your business. How exhausting it must be to feel the need and act on trying to control things that are not yours to control.

 

[bethwc101]

Either way not your house. Even if it was your house; I'd still think telling someone else's kid what to do/wear while his parents are there is very disrespectful and rude. I mean honestly, why are you the one that gets to decide what he has to do? It seems like you feel superior to the family (kids and parents) and you feel entitled to have things your way because of it.

I would not have cared how somebody wants to rule their own house, but if my nephew was staying over at my house, he would have to obey my house rules. In this situation yes, I would have told him to go put on pants if he is at my house.

 

[brockash]

A little off topic but not by much. My husband (2 dads) and I have a 3yo. We go swimming every Sunday. It's at our local gym and we go to the locker room and change into our swim suits and then off we go. Two weeks ago another family was at the pool (father, grandfather, 2 young boys and a 4-5 yo girl) and we finished around the same time. My son and i went to the locker room and the other family came in not too long after us. This is a MENS locker room. I was shocked to see that they brought the 5 yo girl into the locker room. They had her undress in the common area (where all the other men were undressing)which i thought was pretty inappropriate given the fact this is an adult gym, not the YMCA -- so not family orientated. Thoughts? Am I the only one who thinks that was a bizarre move on their part?

I think what they did was the correct, responsible thing. Where did you want a 5 year old to get changed? Did you think a grown man walking in the women's room was more appropriate? Women take 5 year old boys in bathrooms and locker rooms all the time. I see no issue, it's just being a parent.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

There are no words. Seriously.

ETA: I think once they're out of diapers.

What if they’re old enough to be BACK in diapers?

 

[BrianL]

If the mother of the child doesn't agree with the sister than the village needs to mind its own business.

But it wasn't known that the mother disagreed. Who would ever imagine that she would? The father did agree. I don't think it was overstepping boundaries to correct the child. Once the actual parents were involved, then certainly step aside.

 

[brockash]

But it wasn't known that the mother disagreed. Who would ever imagine that she would? The father did agree. I don't think it was overstepping boundaries to correct the child. Once the actual parents were involved, then certainly step aside.

If you keep reading OPs posts, you'll see she absolutely knew mom didn't care about him wearing pants, and again not her business.

 

[mom2rtk]

Yes. There is an old saying that, "It takes a village...." I don't think that was inappropriate at all.

Just because there is a saying doesn't mean that everyone lives their lives by it. The dynamics vary greatly between families on things like this.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I would and have corrected my nieces and nephews when their parents are around. If they are not doing something that is considered socially acceptable then they need to be told...

And honestly, kids often take that kind of advice better from their aunts and uncles than from their parents. - In my experience, they're less inclined to argue, and more inclined to believe it really is what everyone expects when they hear it from somebody else.