Young children and the loss of a pet

[Tattylou]

I do counseling and psychotherapy. I work with older children, but have training in all ages. I agree with @Pea-n-Me that finding an age appropriate book on the loss of a pet can be really, really helpful for young kids. There are a few out there. You can look on Amazon or at your library. @maxiesmom is correct to caution you against using the "he fell asleep and never woke up" approach because it can absolutely lead young children to have anxiety about going to sleep themselves and/or a fear of parents, loved ones, etc going to sleep. If he wants to say goodbye then I would give him that opportunity. With young kids it is often better to be honest, but give less details - then allow them opportunities to ask questions and talk - follow the child's lead in that regard. You can be honest without giving tons of details - kids will ask for more info if they want it. Remembering the good times will happen for him and all of you, it always does.
So sorry to hear about your doggie. Losing a pet is very hard. Hugs to you and your family.

 

[Jimmy Mouse]

Our beloved cat Spot died when my 6 year old was 3. He was 18 and my best buddy. I stayed up that night with him till he took his last breath. The next morning we had a burial and all said a prayer. He is in our Pet Cemetery in our back yard. Both girls say hi to him all the time. Last year our Dachshund, Lacey, had to be put down. She was 17. she woke up the whole family screaming in pain. We all said our goodbyes and took her to the vet the next morning. A week later we got her remains back (Cremated) and our other Dachshund, Dixie Belle freaked out and wouldn't stop looking at the counter where Lacey was sitting. I set her remains on the floor for Dixie to see and she laid down by the urn and whimpered. Somehow she knew it was Lacey! My 6 year old understood and we told her everything but my youngest(3) asked where Lacey was about a week later. I told her, "Right there on the mantle in the living room" She made me show her and she broke down in an uncontrollable cry fest that lasted 30 minutes. I let her hold the urn and explained all to both girls. They both understood and to this day will talk about how much they miss her (in a good way) by talking about the funny things she used to do. Dixie is now 10. She has many good years ahead but when it's time, we will all say goodbye together. Our pets are family.

 

[robinb]

My DD was 6 when our 16-year old Akita had to be put down. She was incontinent and needed to be carried up and down the stairs to go potty. All (by then) 90 lbs of her. I took photos of my DD with Akiko a couple days before and began to tell my DD how sick she was. We put Akiko down when my DD was at school. She came home and I told her that Akiko was too sick and she died. My DD was sad and cried and asked a few questions and that was it.

IMO kids under say 8 don’t need to know anything else except the Animal was sick and died.

 

[VandVsmama]

For those of you who put pets down when your child was young, how much did you share with them? Or did you just tell the child that the pet went to sleep and never woke up?

We will be putting down our 14-year-old dog very soon. DH wants DS (5) to have the opportunity to say goodbye before we take her to the vet for the final time. I tend to agree, but I worry that DS is so young, and I don’t want him focusing on the death, but rather I want him to remember the good.

We went through this in October when we had to put 1 of our cats down. She had mammary cancer. My kids are 9 and 11, so a bit older than your 5 yr old. We told the kids what was happening...that the cat was dying from cancer and that there wasn't any more that the vet could do for her, that the cat was in a lot of pain and was suffering (they knew she was suffering, the poor kitty had very labored breathing in her last 24 hr of life). We told them that the right thing to do for her would be to put her down.

We explained to the kids that the vet would inject some medicine that would make it look like the kitty was falling asleep, but the medicine would gradually slow her breathing until it stopped and that it would stop her heart from beating anymore and when that happened, she would go up into Kitty Heaven.

We gave the kids the option of going with us to the vet or to stay home with one of us. We told the kids that the cat would not be in any pain during the process. Surprisingly, both of our kids wanted to be there. There were a LOT of tears during the vet visit when we had the cat put to sleep. A LOT. The vet was very kind and encouraged the kids to talk to our kitty, tell her how much they love her, tell her what a good kitty she's been, tell the kitty that she shouldn't be scared because she's going to get to go to Kitty Heaven really soon and how wonderful it is up there, how she can eat all she wants and she can run and play in the grass and catch all of the mouseys she wants.

Our kids insisted on being there because they wanted to be there for their cat and they wanted to make sure that the kitty wasn't scared. DH & I were impressed with how they handled it. We all cried a lot and we were all really sad about it for weeks. But I think that giving the kids the choice on whether or not they wanted to be present for the actual procedure was a good idea.

Even if you don't believe in the concept of heaven, 5 yr olds have active imaginations and the idea of doggie heaven might help your DS through the grieving process. You can explain to your DS how wonderful doggy heaven is, how your dog will have all sorts of other doggy friends to play with, how the weather is always nice there, how he can have all of the dog treats and dog toys that he wants. Your DS will probably ask if he can go visit the dog in doggy heaven sometimes. That is a concept that 5 yr olds will have a hard time with. Your DS will probably ask often if he can go to doggy heaven to visit the dog. When that happens, you could do some sort of ritual with him. For example, have him draw a picture of the dog. Maybe what he imagines doggy heaven to be like. If your family is of the praying sort, then encourage your DS to pray to whatever deity your family follows. My mom died when my kids were 4 and 6 yr old, so their prayers were a lot like this:

"Dear God, please give Nana a hug for me. I really miss her and can you tell her how much I love her? I really miss her. Please let her have an extra piece of cake with dinner today. Oh, and tell her that we got to see "insert the latest Disney movie" last weekend. It was really great. That's it for now. Thank you Jesus, amen."

 

[blana]

We told the kids the dog was very sick & had to go to the vet to see if they could get better. Which is what we KNEW at the time they left for the vet. Once we knew that the dogs were being put down (2 different occasions, brother & sister dogs that we had before the kids were born), we told them that they got much worse, the doctors couldn't help, and they died.

Please don't use the "put to sleep" thing with your kids. I knew that terminology when I was young & when I had to have tubes put in my ears/my adenoids taken out, the doctor told me he was putting me to sleep to do the procedure. No one could figure out why I started crying and couldn't be consoled until my older brother talked to me. And be honest with the kids. Death is a part of life. They'll be upset, but it's something that they need to know about.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I remember when my dad told me that my beloved cat had to be put down. I was six years old. He didn’t lie, but it wasn’t a scary thing either. He really stressed that she wouldn’t be in pain anymore and that while she wouldn’t be in our home anymore, her spirit would live in my heart(obviously your religious beliefs may differ). I think the way it was explained was truthful and age appropriate.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

We had to say goodbye to one of our cats a few days after Christmas. We probably did it wrong, but we felt that at 2 years (and a few months), our son wouldn't really understand what "die" meant. So we didn't say anything up front, although he did see things beforehand; for 3 days, we had to take her to the vet first thing in the morning and pick her up later in the day (for IV fluids), he saw us struggling to give her an IV once she was home (in fact, one of the cutest things - he has a toy cleaning set, and he cleaned off the mops and brooms and started dragging the stand around, saying he was a doctor and that was his doctor pole ), he saw us crying, etc. I stayed home with him the day DH and my mother took her, so DS saw me ugly-crying; he hugged me and told me not to be sad. He didn't seem to notice her absence at first, but after a few days he asked "Where's Monster?" And we cried, hugged him, and told him that she went to live in Heaven. He accepted it at first, he would take a toy and say he was putting it aside for when she gets back, but after a few days he started whining, saying he wanted her. We would just hug him and reiterate that she lives in Heaven now and she can't come back. I think he's accepted it now, as he doesn't whine for her so much anymore, but he occasionally mentions her, so I know he hasn't forgotten.

 

[RangerPooh]

When our girls were young we had to put down our German Shepard who we had had since before the girls were born. He had cancer and his health was deteriorating, the girls had known that he was sick for a long time. When the time came it was very sad, but we told the girls that we were taking him to the vet for another check up, and that he wouldn't be coming home. His cancer was so bad that the doctor would need to take care of him from now on because he was dying. Everything that we explained, we did so in terms that they could understand. They also said their goodbyes before he got in the car for the trip to the vet. Thinking about it still chokes me up as he was a faithful companion.

Two years ago we had to put our St. Bernard down. He too was sick, and his illness hit and spread quick. Again we explained it in terms that they could understand. The girls were older and had an easier time comprehending it, but the boys took it harder. Our oldest was there for the process of saying goodbye at the vet. A few days later I found our three younger kids having a discussion circle with their stuffed animals sharing their feelings about Samson's death. This was something that they did on their own to cope.

 

[MJB03]

Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice. We are generally open and honest with DS about most things, on an age appropriate level of course. So, we will do the same in this instance.

He is aware that our dog is sick and that she will be going to heaven soon. We have read the book that a PP mentioned “Dog Heaven” a few times so he has an idea what dog heaven is like.

So, I think when the day arrives that DH and I decide will be our dog’s final trip to the vet, we will give DS the chance to say goodbye without giving too many details. He will probably handle that day better than DH and I will...

 

[yoopermom]

I've owned many dogs, and loved them all, but had one special one, RJ, who got me through a huge job loss, then loss of our home, marriage troubles, etc. He seemed "off" one day, I took him to the vet the next, he had a massive tumor about to explode, so the vet came to our house after hours that day (God bless her), and put him down on his favorite couch in the sunshine. I grieved so hard that our son, 10 at the time, hand drew me a card showing RJ in doggy heaven, and said, "Don't worry mom, you will be with him again when you die". I didn't know if I should laugh or cry, so I did both! So, yes, children often take it better than mom does.

Terri

 

[PollyannaMom]

I think we told him that we were taking her to the vet, but that we didn't think there was anything else that they could do for her besides help make her as comfortable as possible until she passed away...we did not really explain the "putting to sleep" process to him.

That's how we handled losing a cat when DS was little, too. We didn't think he was old enough to really understand the compassion of helping the process along.

The vet was amazing, returned his ashes so he is buried with the other and sent us a pawprint made from his paw.

Our vet does the pawprints too - even with the guinea pig we lost not long ago. I think it's so sweet.

With young kids it is often better to be honest, but give less details - then allow them opportunities to ask questions and talk - follow the child's lead in that regard. You can be honest without giving tons of details - kids will ask for more info if they want it.

I like this philosophy, and agree that kids will ask for more details as they need/can comprehend them. (And it's useful for lots of situations, not just the death of a pet.)

 

[disykat]

I agree with honest and age appropriate. This wasn't our beloved pet, but my neighbor (with no kids) had to put their dog down when my son was that age. They knew how attached our son was to their dog and made sure to tell me so I could bring him over to say goodbye. It was sad, but I think watching my son say goodbye was helpful not only to my son but to my neighbor as well. (I can still remember he told him that he was his best friend. We ended up getting a dog ourselves not long after and Boomer had a lot to do with that.)

 

[marlynnp]

My Daughter was 5 when one of our dogs got very sick. She went with us on the final vet visit. I had wrapped our pup in our of our towels, had the vet administer the shot and then my husband brought our daughter in so she could pet our pup until she passed. So, she knew it was sad and final but that it wasn't something to be scared or worried about.

 

[DMRick]

One of our local newsmen, John Gray, wrote a darling book called God Needed a Puppy after he list a puppy of his own. He’s donating part of the sales to shelters and rescues. You can meet his adopted dogs on his Facebook.