Young children and the loss of a pet

[MJB03]

For those of you who put pets down when your child was young, how much did you share with them? Or did you just tell the child that the pet went to sleep and never woke up?

We will be putting down our 14-year-old dog very soon. DH wants DS (5) to have the opportunity to say goodbye before we take her to the vet for the final time. I tend to agree, but I worry that DS is so young, and I don’t want him focusing on the death, but rather I want him to remember the good.

 

[maxiesmom]

I would never say the pet went to sleep and never woke up. That is a good way to get kids who don't want to go to bed.

I'm not sure what your religious leanings are, but maybe something like the dog doesn't feel well and needs to go up to heaven where he can run and play again. Is there a beloved family member who has passes you could say the dog is with?

 

[gemini2727]

I don't think I would tell him beforehand.
Could you maybe plan a little party for your dog, not for any special reason, maybe get him an extra special treat and let your son give it to him. Then maybe start saying what a good dog he is and remembering your best memories, making it a very casual and natural conversation.
Than after you've done what you need to do, and tell him, you can say how happy you are that you all had that special last time with your dog.
I think that's what I would do anyway.

And I'm so sorry for you...my dog is going on 11, and I dread the day we have to think of this.

 

[design_mom]

I don't remember exactly what we told our son when he was about that age. Our dog had cancer and he could definitely tell that she was not well. She had been back and forth to the doctor multiple times. I think we told him that we were taking her to the vet, but that we didn't think there was anything else that they could do for her besides help make her as comfortable as possible until she passed away. We told him that she probably would not be coming back home, but we did not really explain the "putting to sleep" process to him. I stayed there with the dog (he did not come) and when I got home, I told him that she had passed away at the vet's office.

One thing that seemed to help him was that we got a wooden frame and let him decorate it. We framed a favorite photo of him with the dog. That gave him a "happy memory" to look at. He's 17 now. He's gotten rid of most of his "little kid" things, but that frame/photo is still on his dresser.

 

[Hisgirl]

When I was four years old, my Pop died. I can still remember being in my bed crying, and my father coming to the doorway and telling me, "Pop is in heaven right now, sitting at a picnic table eating ice cream and cake".
I stopped crying and thought about that.
A picnic table.
Just like our gray scratchy picnic table on the patio.
And yes! I could see him eating ice cream and cake because hadn't he just done that at my birthday party?
And I'll bet he was wearing a birthday hat too!

See...children have a wonderful imagination and my father did me a favor by tapping into what children do best. Imagine.
He knew I could imagine my Pop doing that and it brought me peace.

With that said, spiritual or not, you don't have to belong to a religious faith to say that your beloved left his tired body and is running in a green field with all the other dogs you have had in your life. Running and jumping and chasing butterflies!

 

[pryncess527]

There is no better practice for the death of family members (which is inevitable and unpredictable), than the death of a pet. I'd let him say goodbye.

 

[DonaldnDaisy5]

We had one golden who did just lay down in the backyard and not wake up. She was 16 and we just told the kids she died and that happens sometimes.

Our other younger golden (10) and truly the kids dog, started having seizures and they were getting progressively worse. We spoke to the vet and based on what we were telling him it sounded like a brain tumor (problems with sight and depth perception, etc...) we told the kids 12, 10, and 5 at the time we were taking him to the vet. They knew he was sick, truly we all did. They all loved on him and we left. After consulting and some tests the vet really didn't think there was anything they'd be able to do and talked quality of life. We made the decision to put him to sleep, came home without him. We told the kids he passed at the vet. I am sure the oldest knows more but he hasn't asked. The vet was amazing, returned his ashes so he is buried with the other and sent us a pawprint made from his paw.

 

[dish rag]

We told them the truth. Exactly what would happen and why.

 

[mjkacmom]

We had pet rats that needed to be out down because of tumors (after they grew back after the first surgery, we loved those rats). DH brought our then 5 and 7 year old daughters (the ones that took care of them) to the vet, and they were there, comforting them (I couldn’t do it). I’ve found that kids deal better with death than adults, provided they are told the truth. Ds20 and ds15 were there when my mom passed a couple of years ago (she was a second mother to them). It was harder on me.

 

[BLAZEY]

I unfortunately have experienced this 3 times we had 3 pets 1 cat & 2 dogs put down over the span of 20 months DD. DD was almost 4 to just turned 5 over that time. First to go was Cassie our Black lab she had cancer age 9, then a month later Blaze my nearly 17 yr old cat also cancer, then over a year later Jester, our older Yellow lab passed away old age. Each time we explained that they were old or very sick and in a lot of pain that the vet can't fix. We explained that the vet would give them some medicine that would stop the pain, but it would also stop their heart. They would no longer be in pain and would go to puppy or kitty heaven. It was ok to be sad, and that we would miss them but they wouldn't hurt anymore. We gave them lots of love before I took them to the vet for the final time. I did it Monday morning after taking her to daycare, DH couldn't do it. When Jester passed away, we had a 6 month old kitten Caboose. My vet was across from my office and my office manager came with me for the dogs. Blaze was an emergency weekend visit, and DD was at her grandparents visiting. I am sorry you have to go through this.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

We went through this last summer, our beloved 13 year old dog's health was declining and I was a bit in denial about it. I was having trouble deciding what to do because I remember when my childhood family dog was put to sleep no one told us kids about it until after the fact so we never got to say goodbye and that hurt a lot. I finally decided to tell my kids the truth and let them decide if they wanted to go with me to put him to sleep (the vet was skeptical but agreed to allow them to be there) but then our dog passed on his own at home. We buried him in the front yard and cried together and shared stories about him with each other. I think it's better to let kids have closure.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My kids were around that age when we lost one of our dogs.

Their kind kindergarten teacher lent us this book, and it was perfect.

 

[Hook326]

Each time we explained that they were old or very sick and in a lot of pain that the vet can't fix. We explained that the vet would give them some medicine that would stop the pain, but it would also stop their heart. They would no longer be in pain and would go to puppy or kitty heaven. It was ok to be sad, and that we would miss them but they wouldn't hurt anymore. We gave them lots of love before I took them to the vet for the final time.

This is very similar to what we did and said when our dogs passed. My kids were 5 & 8 the first time and then 7 & 10 the second. Death is a part of life sadly and they’ve been to human funerals too. Kids will be sad but they heal and move forward usually quicker than adults. I’m sorry that your family is experiencing this loss, take care.

 

[Marchand63]

I unfortunately have experienced this 3 times we had 3 pets 1 cat & 2 dogs put down over the span of 20 months DD. DD was almost 4 to just turned 5 over that time. First to go was Cassie our Black lab she had cancer age 9, then a month later Blaze my nearly 17 yr old cat also cancer, then over a year later Jester, our older Yellow lab passed away old age. Each time we explained that they were old or very sick and in a lot of pain that the vet can't fix. We explained that the vet would give them some medicine that would stop the pain, but it would also stop their heart. They would no longer be in pain and would go to puppy or kitty heaven. It was ok to be sad, and that we would miss them but they wouldn't hurt anymore. We gave them lots of love before I took them to the vet for the final time. I did it Monday morning after taking her to daycare, DH couldn't do it. When Jester passed away, we had a 6 month old kitten Caboose. My vet was across from my office and my office manager came with me for the dogs. Blaze was an emergency weekend visit, and DD was at her grandparents visiting. I am sorry you have to go through this.

ITA with this. I was always honest but age appropriate with my kids.

 

[wgeo]

My kids were around 10 & 12 and we were specific with what was going on.

With a younger kid, I wouldn't tell them about the vet/medicine part. I would just say the dog is getting very sick and doesn't have very many days left. I would definitely give the kid a chance to say goodbye. And then after the fact I would just tell them that the dog had passed. They don't need to know that someone "helped" the dog go, in my opinion.

I would also have lots of pictures from when the dog was younger/happier/healthier looking to have around for the kids to look at.

 

[scrhsa]

I've been through this several times with my girls. I just flat out told them the truth. That we( humans and animals) are all allotted a certain amount of time here on earth and when it's time to go it's time to go( of course I told them in a far gentler manner ). I explained how lucky they were to get to have fluffy as a pet and how lucky fluffy was to have us as owners etc. It's hard but a natural part of life. I wanted to keep my girls from the pain but at the same time I didn't want to rob them of valuable life lessons. Sounds harsh but its just something that we all have to go through. My youngest daughter kept having pet after pet die on her. From fish to cats(most were strays that wandered up and she claimed as hers). She would wail "why me?". I told her that God was preparing her for something and it may be a long while before we find out what that is. But she is now preparing for a career in nursing so maybe her compassionate heart will work well in that field

 

[dosekies]

My niece was 4 when we put our family dog down, and she pretty much lived at our house so we made sure to talk to her about it. She knew for a long time that Chevy was sick and not feeling well. She wasn't able to say goodbye before hand, but afterwards we told her that Chevy died and went to heaven where she is happy and running around with her Omi (great-grandma). She understood what we were telling her and still mentions it when she comes over. I think it is important to be honest with them from a young age in a way that they will understand.

 

[yoopermom]

DS was a typical "country boy" who grew up around life and death. Fishing, hunting, catching critters, etc. He was about your child's age when our dog started having issues. We talked about the broad spectrum of life (Used the Rylant book mentioned above, and The Giving Tree), remembering how the dog had been a lively puppy, then middle age, and now old and tired. We also chose to tell him because we loved our dog, the kindest final gift we could give him was to make sure that he passed over the Rainbow Bridge as painlessly as possible. (Read the poem with him.) Our wonderful vet took the time to explain what was physically wrong with the dog (which he was interested in), and then we let him choose if he wanted to be there at the end or not (explained that there would be two shots, the first to make the dog unconscious, the second to stop the heart). He chose to be there, and, as has been mentioned above, took it more realistically than many adults (or me, for that matter, I still cry thinking about it).

The only awkward moment was that it led to a discussion of doctor assisted euthanasia, because in his mind he couldn't figure out why we made it easier on the dog than on his grandpa that was suffering at the time from terminal cancer....(and that sounds like the defunct debate board, so I'll stop there ).

I always thinks its better to deal with something in a controlled circumstance, like this, than in an emergency/unexpected moment.

Terri

 

[superme80]

We are brutally honest. We tell them the pet is sick and Daddy has to take them in to be put down. We usually bury the pet on my in laws property. We always give them a chance to say good-bye. My oldest we 2 when we put our dog down. He knew Pepper was no longer around. When we put our cat down last year, it hit him much harder. We let him and his brothers know it was ok to cry. I bawled. We hugged a lot and let her know she was a good kitty. They all still talk about her. We got a puppy a month later. That has helped all of us.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Not a pet but when my grandmother died, my children were 4 & 2. She was in the ICU with liver failure. I told them great grandma would look like she was sleeping but she was really sick and could still hear them, did they want to say goodbye because she was going to Heaven with great grandpa, they did. They talked to her and kissed her forehead (I didn't tell them to, they just did) and DH took them home while my siblings and I held vigil over her.

More recently an old dog I was watching for a family member passed. They made cards and a memorial wreath for the family. They were sad, but it doesn't overwhelm them. I think it is important for children to know that death is a part of life and I don't believe in shielding them from it.

Yes, I would give your child the chance to say goodbye, personally. But you know better how it will affect him.