You can't believe this is real life...(dad in hospital)

[des1954]

Phyllis- I'm so sorry for what's been going on with your dad. I could tell you a novel full of stories about events with both my parents.

One time when my dad was hospitalized for CHF hallucinated on the morphine. He thought he was back in combat during WWII & literally destroyed the room he was in. Thankfully, there were no other patients sharing the room with him at the time. It took 3 huge orderly's to stop him and get him calmed down.

Then there was my mom - wow - I could make millions on real-life stories about her. She was hospitalized for CHF & pneumonia, and her Dr. who knew she was an alcoholic - didn't order any type of meds to deal with what he knew would end up to be the DT's. Well, mom went into extremely serious DT's for a little over a month. She had to be placed in a private room with a 24 hour babysitter because the state law in Fla is no restraints without State Attorney's intervention. It was about 20 days into her hospitalization before anyone told me that - and then it was an acquaintance I ran into at the hospital who informed me. The next day when I spoke to her Dr about restraining her he breathed a big sigh & said he was waiting for me to ask for those. He could not recommend them - again due to laws. It seemed too many nursing homes and hospitals were restraining people without justification - but just so the staff didn't have to be bothered by them. Once I requested she be restrained he was "Johnny On the Spot" and gave me the phone number to the SAO and a name of a person to speak with. He also recommended that I start procedures to have her institutionalized because he honestly didn't think she would truly recover from the DT's. The term he used was permanently "wet-brained". Ultimately she came out of the DT's & back to being a cognitive, fully functional person - and that was about 1 week before she was going to be transferred to the mental institution.

A few years later she ended up with lung cancer that spread through her entire body and about 10 days b-4 she died she was on so much morphine that she started hallucinating. We lived in a different county by that time & I had a friend at the SAO who pushed thru the order for restraints - cause mom was trying to get up and entertain people, falling, put back into bed, getting up, etc... The nursing home only had to make one call to me about the hallucinations & I knew exactly what to do. After mom was full body restrained (a vest tied to the bed rails), she had a night nurse who felt sorry for my mom (who could be a very good actress) and mom convinced her to untie her due to discomfort. This tender-hearted (but not thinking straight) nurse took the restraint off out of kindness. Well-at 2am I'm getting a call from the N.H. saying mom fell out of bed and I needed to get there pronto to evaluate if I thought she needed to go to the hospital for x-rays etc. WHAT?? She was restrained!!! How the heck did she fall out of bed? I went to the NH & the nurse who undid the restraints was crying uncontrollably. (She was young.) Ultimately mom didn't get hurt, and the young nurse learned a very valuable lesson. About a month after mom died I got a letter from the nursing home concerning a possible lawsuit about that incident. Yeah...I probably could have sued - but for what? Over someone having compassion but making a wrong choice?

Anyhow Phyllis....know that there are a lot of us who have gone thru these things and can really sympathize with you - and may even be able to give you some sort of direction. Sometimes you need all the advice you can get!

- Deb

 

[Us3]

Phyllis, I just wanted you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I was crying reading your story as it hits so close to home for me. I pray that God gives you strength and patience. I think your kids are blessed to have you as their mom and you're truly blessed to have such a wonderful hubby!

You have many "virtual friends" (inserting a little humor to hopefully make you smile) that are thinking of you!!

Take care,
Sonya

 

[RvUsa]

Phyllis, I have said this to others before, and I will say it to you now, I am a guy... you know what that means, my wife takes care of the cards and flowers etc LOL. I never know the right thing to say. So all I have to say, is if you need to vent, I got two huge ears! Let er rip. Hope all works out well.

 

[auntie]

All I can say is "wow". I was worried this morning that I should go and remove my post because I didn't want to sound like a "whiner". I mean do these total strangers need to hear my freakin' boo hoo story? When you're in the midst of this type of thing(well..I've been at it now for 12 years, you think I'd be used to it)...you don't think anyone else really understands. I was wrong. Some days just get a little overwhelming. This last hospital stay was one of them. We've had some terrific hospital personell over the years. Frankly...more good experiences than bad, only typically it's the bad ones you remember more vividly. Perspective..gotta keep things in perspective.

Jim..you're right as far as many of the hospitals becoming more like rehab centers. I had a nurse tell me yesterday, that unfortunately the experience of the prior night, was becoming way to familiar, and with the economy getting worse, they were seeing more and more distraught people. Even those that are attempting to take their lives. They are anticipating it will get worse. The staff is concerned for their safety. She added that they or my father is no safer there than they would be in any other public place. Given my fathers physical condition, he's of course, even more vulnerable.
As far as my dad's fall from bed. I'm afraid we're not going to get to the bottom of that easily ..and frankly, I'm not lookin' to blame anybody. I do know my dad though..and he wasn't lookining to get out of bed in the middle of the night. I mean he may have tried, if it was related to the guy who was going crazy spraying the fire extinguisher..but supposedly they came upon him two hours prior to that occuring. So who knows. I gotta move on..today's another day.
I am grateful that at least I have my sister, and that between us..we are doing the best we can. It's not always enough, and I'm sorry for that. I know that while there are things my kids have missed because of this situation, there are valuable lessons here also. I guess some days I just feel as if I'm the only one living this, and I can see clearly that I"m not. I didn't expect to have to deal with this when my parents were so young..my dad was not yet 57 when this happened. He and mom were married as kids. They were 15 and 16 year olds who ran away and eloped. I came along very shortly after that, so it's really as if we've grown up together. Dad worked 7 days a week when I was a kid. He became partners with a friend, and together they built three successful businesses. Employing hundreds of people over the years. He went back to school, and to college nights. He was very well read..and never looked at TV..unless there was a hockey game on!
His love was flying and he became a pilot and had his own plane. Terrifying my mother with his little jaunts in what she called a sardine can soaring through the air! They were just starting to take a step back from the business and do some traveling. You never heard an Irishman talk so much about how he loved ITALY. He loved the history of that country. He took my mom there twice(she's Italian). Then this happened. He did accomplish so much in an incredibly short time. He has a tremendous drive and energy..even still. I know that's what's gotten him through these past twelve years. Only he is terribly unhappy living the way he does. It's really not enough for him to just enjoy his family. He's trapped in his own mind with his aphasiac condition. He can speak..he'll repeat almost anything. Only he can not get "his" thoughts from his brain to his vocal chords. It is the most heart breaking situation. We give him books on tape..that sort of thing. It isn't the same. He has a library in his home. Sometimes I'll find him in there holding one of his books. tears in his tough guy eyes.., because he can no longer read them. He wants more than anything in the world..not to soar above the clouds but to just be able to read one of his books. Not have it read to him..or on tape..but to read it. So simple. Something we all take for granted. It isn't so much his physical limiations that frustrate him..but more his not being able to communicate the way HE wants to. I don't know..one day, I'll know the answers to so many questions. For now, all we do is plug along and put one foot in front of the other.

I''m very grateful for ALL of your insights. I've read each response very carefully. Frankly, I feel a little embarassed that I'd be complaining reading what some of you have gone through. I'm obviously not alone. It would appear that everyone has their troubles. I needed to be reminded of that. Mine may be different but certainly no worse than anyone's else's. I thank all of you for your insights..and for the support. I needed it.

 

[2goofycampers]

Ditto to what already has been said and it's never wrong to have your children watch you do the right thing by your parents. I'll bet your kids do right by you while your brothers kids sit idle in their older years. Hope this is a start of better days to come for you and your family.

 

[AuburnJen92]

Phyllis, we are here for you. Here is a drink to you and your dad, you are both troopers.

 

[CelticWoman]

Dear Phyllis,
You are voicing what so many others haven't and need to..make sure it goes forward to the right people!!I cared for my Mom for many years prior to her death and chose to keep her at home in her final days. I was lucky I had medical training and the flexibility to do so. My greatest fear was for her to die while being cared for by strangers who could care less! As a person who has been in the medical field for many long years I have been a very active advocate and actually encourage family and patients to voice LOUDLY their concerns to the powers that be...hopefully... if the right person hears something will happen! I also know the FRUSTRATION of being the only caregiver despite having siblings so you are blessed to have even a part time helper in your sis! Keep up the faith and remain strong! God won't give ya more than you can handle!! Believe me I've sure been handed a lot I didn't think I could...but he ALWAYS sees me through!! <><

 

[Judy Judy Judy]

God Bless you and your family.

 

[terri01p]

Phyllis, hang in there, you all are in my prayers!!!!!! I knew you wouldn't know who Judy Judy Judy was so I came back under my old sign to just let you know, you and your family are being thought about!! GodSpeed!

 

[DisneyBishops]

Phyllis, I like John am a guy and don't know what to say to you. Your kids are learning a great life lesson from you. Sounds like you have a great husband so keep him. I can relate to him, some times i just don't know what to say but can always be there with a bottle of wine and 2 glasses.

Take care and hang in there as they say everything happens for a reason. Although sometimes the reason is hard to find.

 

[Just Beachy]

Phyllis, I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your dad. I hope he is feeling better. I'm sure being at home is a great comfort to him. Also, I hope your mother is feeling better. I know what it's like to have a sibling who does NOTHING to help out. Mine will only help if there's something in it for him. It's very sad. I'm glad you have your sister. You can lean on each other and hold one another up, especially after the wine! I think your kids are very lucky to have you as a mom and to be raised with such a strong emphasis placed on the value of family. They will be better people for it. Don't ever apologize for venting here! We're all here for each other. Hopefully we can help, even if it's just to listen and give you a cyber hug! Hang in there.

 

[auntie]

You guys are the best. Thanks so much for all your support.
Although I have met a few of you in person..most of you I've never had the pleasure to meet. It amazes me what a terrific group of kind hearted people gather here. Someone is down, and the troops rally. While I'm not happy to hear that some of you have dealt with illness or aging parents, or less than helpful siblings, I do find comfort knowing this isn't just my crazy family it's good to know there are other crazies out there. Wait.. I'm not saying this right ...I should just say "thank you". Thank you for caring enough to take time out of your day, and share your insights and encouragement. I really do appreciate it. It means more than you know.

As for Dad..he was so tired. He had a good nights sleep once we got him home. He's also bruising up pretty good on the back of his left upper torso...obviously where he fell. I told my mom to take a picture..just to keep it documented, as to when this happened. Hopefully, he's fine, and his bruises will heal quickly.

 

[musicmama]

Phyllis -- I posted after just the first part of your story and was away from the thread yesterday. I just read the rest and sobbed.

You (and your sis) are heroes! It's so great that your kids have learned that family is important and that "you just do it because it's family and don't complain" rather than "somebody else will take care" - like your other siblings. I totally understand about the feeling that you might not have done well by your children - we went through that for 2 years with my dad and for another 2 years with my mom - but at the end of it all, DD is one of the kindest and most reliable people I know.

I'm glad that your dad is home - sorry about his pain and bruising - and hope that you are able to have a good Thanksgiving with both your parents.