Who Pays? A Going Out To Dinner Question….

[dvcgirl67]

Yeah, I'm in the "ask your daughter camp". She'll then possibly discuss with her BF, and he can discuss with Dad....and you'll likely have a plan in place before you go. Let the "kids" broker the deal.

I was just discussing this very topic recently with DH. Now, we met when we were much older than your DD....in our mid-20s and were doing better than our parents financially by the time we moved in and combined incomes. But when we talked about this topic, we realized that any time we've ever taken my parents...or his parents out (we're down to one parent each now).....we've always paid. Same when we took them all out at once. We set that precedent I suppose, and so that's always the way it was....still is!

The only person we've ever dined with who has paid for a meal with us...is my older sister, who also does well financially. But I thought it was interesting...careful of the precedents you set I suppose .

 

[mjkacmom]

Yeah, I'm in the "ask your daughter camp". She'll then possibly discuss with her BF, and he can discuss with Dad....and you'll likely have a plan in place before you go. Let the "kids" broker the deal.

I was just discussing this very topic recently with DH. Now, we met when we were much older than your DD....in our mid-20s and were doing better than our parents financially by the time we moved in and combined incomes. But when we talked about this topic, we realized that any time we've ever taken my parents...or his parents out (we're down to one parent each now).....we've always paid. Same when we took them all out at once. We set that precedent I suppose, and so that's always the way it was....still is!

The only person we've ever dined with who has paid for a meal with us...is my older sister, who also does well financially. But I thought it was interesting...careful of the precedents you set I suppose .

Precedents can be an issue. In my family, my dad paid. He would never consider letting his children pay for anything, even as adults. Once we went out to a casual restaurant with my parents, my IL’s, and our five kids. The check came, my dad said to my FIL, that they should split check because obviously they weren’t going to let their kids pay. I was so embarrassed but didn’t want to make a scene. My husband gave his dad money after the fact. On the other hand we usually paid when taking IL’s out, even if we had to sneak it ahead of time. We are a family of 7, my kids can eat, the bigger family pays. My dad ended up with Alzheimer’s, so at one point he let us pay.

 

[HopperFan]

First time I met DS college girlfriend's parents we all went out to dinner and we each had our own checks. They paid for their daughter and I paid for my son. First time we went out with DD's boyfriend's (now DH) parents everyone paid their own way ~ and we continue to do so even if it was one of the parents idea to go eat.

Just make it clear with DD so there is no awkward moment. There truly is no reason in this situation for you to cover more than your family, same for his Dad. It's a casual dinner that both parents are there to see their own child.

 

[anniemae]

We had a similar situation, we were going out with another couple who we were becoming friends with. Didn't know them very well and we decided to go out for dinner. Nobody invited anyone, we just mutually decided. I asked my husband if we should offer to pay and he was as clueless as I was.

When we sat down and started looking at the menu, the man from the other couple spoke up and said something like, "no need separate checks if that's okay with you. We can just each pitch in what we owe at the end." It worked out perfectly and each couple put in what we owed plus 20% for a tip and it was fine. Thankfully we had enough cash as it was not an expensive restaurant.

 

[dvcgirl67]

Precedents can be an issue. In my family, my dad paid. He would never consider letting his children pay for anything, even as adults. Once we went out to a casual restaurant with my parents, my IL’s, and our five kids. The check came, my dad said to my FIL, that they should split check because obviously they weren’t going to let their kids pay. I was so embarrassed but didn’t want to make a scene. My husband gave his dad money after the fact. On the other hand we usually paid when taking IL’s out, even if we had to sneak it ahead of time. We are a family of 7, my kids can eat, the bigger family pays. My dad ended up with Alzheimer’s, so at one point he let us pay.

Ah...yes, 5 kids....totally different! We have no kids, and to be fair to both sets of parents, we would be invited and eat at their homes for many holidays and celebrations. When we moved to the town where we are now...back in 2007, we bought a smaller home that isn't great for entertaining large groups. We'd do some outside stuff in the summer, but with our 3 dogs...it was always just easier to take the parents out. So...it all evens out in the end.

Wasn't your Dad the man who lived into his 90s. He reminds me of my little Italian FIL...who is still going strong at 92. How old was your Dad when he was diagnosed with Alzheimers?

 

[ronandannette]

I would pick up the tab as a "Nice to meet you" gesture.

This. But in advance, I'd also steer us towards a restaurant in a price range that was comfortable for my budget. And once the offer was out there, if the other dad jumped in to offer to pay for everybody himself, I'd say "oh, that's kind - would you rather we just split it?". He'll then either accept your hospitality or you'll each end up with separate bills and it shouldn't be awkward for anybody. Have a nice time, @slo .

 

[BK2014]

I think simply asking the other Dad "Are you okay splitting the check?" would work. If he insists on paying, just say "thank you".

 

[Dan Murphy]

I would pick up the tab as a "Nice to meet you" gesture.

This. But in advance, I'd also steer us towards a restaurant in a price range that was comfortable for my budget. And once the offer was out there, if the other dad jumped in to offer to pay for everybody himself, I'd say "oh, that's kind - would you rather we just split it?". He'll then either accept your hospitality or you'll each end up with separate bills and it shouldn't be awkward for anybody. Have a nice time, @slo .

Good combination.

Enjoy the meal, Sandy.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I'd also steer us towards a restaurant in a price range that was comfortable for my budget.

Oh God, YES!

I may have posted this before, but we were once in a situation where we went out with a couple and said we wanted to pay, They (well, especially the man) was like "Well, since you are paying...". It was ridiculous and disgusting what he ordered and drank. We actually had to say something. Never again. In fact, we ceased our relationship over that situation.

But had I known what kind of manners this mutant had, I would have been at a more reasonably price restaurant.

Not saying the OP is going to be put in that situation. But @ronandannette opened up some old wounds by her (very smart) suggestion

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

Oh God, YES!

I may have posted this before, but we were once in a situation where we went out with a couple and said we wanted to pay, They (well, especially the man) was like "Well, since you are paying...". It was ridiculous and disgusting what he ordered and drank. We actually had to say something. Never again. In fact, we ceased our relationship over that situation.

But had I known what kind of manners this mutant had, I would have been at a more reasonably price restaurant.

Not saying the OP is going to be put in that situation. But @ronandannette opened up some old wounds by her (very smart) suggestion

That is crazy! Who acts like that? I should stop being surprised by how people can act and be vocal about it like it's normal. Not to mention if I was his wife I would have put a stop to it immediately and been mortified and insist we split the check.

DH and I do like a drink or 2 when we go out to dinner. If we are out with a couple that doesn't drink and we are splitting the check or they are paying we always offer to pay the bar bill. I don't want to feel limited on what I want to order or drink so I'd rather we pay our own way whether it's split checks or figuring out the bill when it comes, but if we have similar eating/drinking styles then I'm fine with alternating because I feel like that "all comes out in the wash". as they say. I wouldn't want anyone to feel taken advantage of.

When eating out with either set of our parents they usually want to pay. But DH will sometimes grab the server and give them our card. We appreciate that they enjoy paying for us, but also don't want them to think we expect it. So this seems to work out.

 

[ronandannette]

Oh God, YES!

I may have posted this before, but we were once in a situation where we went out with a couple and said we wanted to pay, They (well, especially the man) was like "Well, since you are paying...". It was ridiculous and disgusting what he ordered and drank. We actually had to say something. Never again. In fact, we ceased our relationship over that situation.

But had I known what kind of manners this mutant had, I would have been at a more reasonably price restaurant.

Not saying the OP is going to be put in that situation. But @ronandannette opened up some old wounds by her (very smart) suggestion

I'm peeved for you, just hearing about it. How ill-mannered. And this guy even has the temerity to let you know he's going to soak you. Wow.

We treat people at restaurants fairly often and always, always pick the place. Anybody not raised by wolves has been in situations like this before and know enough to order "kind of" similar in price-range to what the hosts are ordering. DH and I casually discuss what we're ordering, so the guests have an idea before they choose, invite them to order an appetizer or wine, or whatever. It's just polite.

Well, as to the OP, at least if that kind of thing happens to Slo, it will be a reasonable price for the "education" of what sort of manners her DD's boyfriend's family has.

 

[mjkacmom]

Ah...yes, 5 kids....totally different! We have no kids, and to be fair to both sets of parents, we would be invited and eat at their homes for many holidays and celebrations. When we moved to the town where we are now...back in 2007, we bought a smaller home that isn't great for entertaining large groups. We'd do some outside stuff in the summer, but with our 3 dogs...it was always just easier to take the parents out. So...it all evens out in the end.

Wasn't your Dad the man who lived into his 90s. He reminds me of my little Italian FIL...who is still going strong at 92. How old was your Dad when he was diagnosed with Alzheimers?

No, that was my wonderful amazing FIL who is very missed (my dad is missed too, they were very different from each other).

 

[disneychrista]

I'd go in expecting to pay for my group and the dad pay for him & his son.

 

[HeatherC]

We would probably just grab the check and pay it for a couple reasons. One to be nice. Two to make things comfortable for my daughter. Three because in the realm of things it probably isn’t that much money.

If the other family wanted to split the bill, we would be happy to do that too. Whatever causes the least amount of awkwardness at the time pretty much.

 

[dvcgirl67]

No, that was my wonderful amazing FIL who is very missed (my dad is missed too, they were very different from each other).

Ahh, that's right, he was your FIL too. Sorry for the loss of both of your Dads.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Oh God, YES!

I may have posted this before, but we were once in a situation where we went out with a couple and said we wanted to pay, They (well, especially the man) was like "Well, since you are paying...". It was ridiculous and disgusting what he ordered and drank. We actually had to say something. Never again. In fact, we ceased our relationship over that situation.

But had I known what kind of manners this mutant had, I would have been at a more reasonably price restaurant.

Not saying the OP is going to be put in that situation. But @ronandannette opened up some old wounds by her (very smart) suggestion

This brought up old wounds for me, too! Well, something else did, first, but here's the (OT) story...

Decades ago, now, we were married just a couple years. My IL's lived 8000 miles away, so when they visited, it was a big deal. They were staying near BIL/SIL, we went there a lot, we went out to eat a lot (FIL was a generous man who loved to entertain).

BIL decides he wants to host a nice anniversary dinner for MIL/FIL. In-laws indicate that they'd like it to be just their sons/DILs, but no matter--BIL invites HIS ILs, his two sisters-in-law, and his wife's aunt and uncle. Nobody from my side was invited. The 12 of us have a meal in a fancy restaurant, with the two sisters-in-law running up the bill--fancy apps, fancy after-dinner coffees, after-dinner brandies, the works. As they're swilling down their after-dinner drinks, BIL pulls my husband aside and confesses that he can't afford the meal--can we cover it? Now, we'd planned on paying for ourselves and half of MIL/FIL's meals, but not a banquet for 12! We reluctantly put it on our credit card. To their infinite credit, the aunt and uncle caught wind of the exchange and gave us money for their meal. I'm still pissed at the whole thing! Especially the sisters, who I'm sure thought our FIL was footing the bill.

Fast forward to now, our DD28 is getting married--in the exact same venue! Her cousin mentioned to her, how much their long-dead grandfather loved to eat there. When I heard that, all the memories came flooding back. Now the question is, do I bring up the tacky dinner from long ago to my BIL during the wedding weekend...

 

[Pink Partridge]

Now the question is, do I bring up the tacky dinner from long ago to my BIL during the wedding weekend...

I am surprised you are on speaking terms after that stunt Seriously, what is wrong with people?

And looking back, are you like me? Does it still bother you? Although we politely said "I think that is enough" when our dinner guests discussed ordering an expensive bottle of wine (on top of their cocktails and apps and "market price" mains), I wish I would have be more aggressive with my tone from the minute I realized we were being taken advantage of. This was YEARS ago, and it still owns space in my brain.

Don't you wish you would have told your BIL that his guests would have to pay for themselves and you would cover you and your husband and your MIL/FIL? Hindsight is 20/20 for real.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I'm peeved for you, just hearing about it. How ill-mannered. And this guy even has the temerity to let you know he's going to soak you. Wow.

There are some very bold people out there. Especially when it comes to other people's money. I have learned this the hard way.

 

[White Cat]

This brought up old wounds for me, too! Well, something else did, first, but here's the (OT) story...

Decades ago, now, we were married just a couple years. My IL's lived 8000 miles away, so when they visited, it was a big deal. They were staying near BIL/SIL, we went there a lot, we went out to eat a lot (FIL was a generous man who loved to entertain).

BIL decides he wants to host a nice anniversary dinner for MIL/FIL. In-laws indicate that they'd like it to be just their sons/DILs, but no matter--BIL invites HIS ILs, his two sisters-in-law, and his wife's aunt and uncle. Nobody from my side was invited. The 12 of us have a meal in a fancy restaurant, with the two sisters-in-law running up the bill--fancy apps, fancy after-dinner coffees, after-dinner brandies, the works. As they're swilling down their after-dinner drinks, BIL pulls my husband aside and confesses that he can't afford the meal--can we cover it? Now, we'd planned on paying for ourselves and half of MIL/FIL's meals, but not a banquet for 12! We reluctantly put it on our credit card. To their infinite credit, the aunt and uncle caught wind of the exchange and gave us money for their meal. I'm still pissed at the whole thing! Especially the sisters, who I'm sure thought our FIL was footing the bill.

Fast forward to now, our DD28 is getting married--in the exact same venue! Her cousin mentioned to her, how much their long-dead grandfather loved to eat there. When I heard that, all the memories came flooding back. Now the question is, do I bring up the tacky dinner from long ago to my BIL during the wedding weekend...

I wouldn’t bring it up. It might make you feel good for 5 mins but then what after that.

Typically with friends we make the it perfectly clear that we want a separate bill. I never understood the splitting of a check either. I don’t drink and we generally order very simple and often split as the portions are often so huge.

 

[mjkacmom]

I wouldn’t bring it up. It might make you feel good for 5 mins but then what after that.

Typically with friends we make the it perfectly clear that we want a separate bill. I never understood the splitting of a check either. I don’t drink and we generally order very simple and often split as the portions are often so huge.

With friends we always split the check. When I’m out with the girls, most order one drink, we share appetizers, maybe a couple will go for a cappuccino and/or dessert (which is offered up to all). There are 8 of us who go out pretty regularly, we are not going to ask for 8 checks (plus we share food, sometimes two of us will split something). Thank goodness for Venmo.