Who Pays? A Going Out To Dinner Question….

[slo]

Ok….we are not ones that go out to dinner often with others.

When my DD20 was still in travel ball we’d sometimes go with other families and everyone paid for their own family (separate checks).

Fast Forward…..This weekend we’re going to DD20’s college to watch her play and she just informed me that her boyfriend’s Dad will be there to watch him play on the college baseball team. We haven’t met theBF’s Dad yet and DD20 & her BF want us all to go out to eat together. We’re fine with that, but how does the payment situation play out - what do we do to not look tacky? I’m fine with separate checks, but does that look cheap if we don’t offer to pay for the BF & his Dad? I certainly don’t expect the BF’s Dad to pay for us.

If you have any advice, please share.
We aren’t wealthy people, and I’m not one to try and look that way to others. We are who we are. But if there’s a decent way of doing things, and we need to suck it up and pay, then I’ll do that too.

#confused
#probably overthinking this

 

[Pink Partridge]

I would pick up the tab as a "Nice to meet you" gesture.

 

[TiggerTrigger]

If you explicitly invited them, you would be the one to pay. However, it sounds like this is more the kids' plan. If they were older and in established careers, they'd be paying, but they're still in school. In that case, it's appropriate to split checks. I know some would say to hash it out before you dine, but to me, that feels like you're overfocusing on the payment and could add some awkwardness...especially since you've never met them before. So, I'd be more inclined to mention something to your server when you're seated how you'd like to split the bills. Obviously, you could offer to cover it all, but that can also set a precedent you might not want to set.

 

[mjkacmom]

I’d wait and see what the dad does, we’ve gone out to eat with a bunch of different people, with and without kids, and it really varies. Maybe the dad will ask for separate checks, we’ve also divided the bill by the number of people in a family (so in this case you’d be responsible for 3 out of 5). Or you could pick up the check.

 

[tvguy]

This was us last week, and I am not sure if there is a correct way to do things.
Here's what we did:
With the exception of two group meals, meals were my wife and I and one of her cousins, we switch off picking up the tab because, while none of us ever worked as servers, just not fans of split checks.
One group meal, 14 family members at a moderately priced restaurant, my wife's cousin picked up the tab.
Second group meal, 7 family members at Outback Steakhouse I picked up. $300 with tip so not too bad, not sure what the other tab was but my wife's cousin said it was a lot less than he budgeted. So in the group meals, two out of town (and out of state) attendees paid the bill.

 

[leahgoogle]

DH and I would go into it assuming we would offer to pay the check. We would reassess the situation if the BF's Dad offered to pay or split the check.

 

[CdnCarrie]

We have always just had separate cheques.

 

[_19disnA]

There is really no right/wrong way to handle this. Perhaps the BF (or his dad) offers to pickup the tab if this is a one-time thing and they are very well off. If DD and her BF aren't that serious in their relationship, then having separate checks makes sense as well. If you plan to eat out often, then it would make sense to alternate who pays. To avoid any awkwardness, you might say to the dad while waiting to be seated that you will pay and then see what he says. He may offer to pay for everyone since you asked him out or suggests to split the check. I would not wait until you get ready to order to discuss this so it won't be a surprise to anyone when ordering your meals. Your DD likely has some sense of what they plan to do based on what she knows of her BF and/or how often they might have eaten out in the past.

 

[fla4fun]

Perhaps bring it up with your daughter beforehand. Tell her you have been thinking about the payment aspect, and you would like to know what she thinks would be the best thing to do. She obviously knows the BF and she may know the father well enough to know how comfortable he would be with separate checks. If I were the daughter in a situation like this, I would prefer that anything potentially embarrassing be sorted out ahead of time so the dinner could just be a fun evening.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I would let my pocketbook make the decision. This is just an ordinary meet.

 

[soccerdad72]

I'd probably offer to pay since he's coming to watch your daughter play, but I agree with others that have said to wait and see how the boyfriend's dad is looking to do things.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I would go in expecting to pay the first time, since there are three in your "half" of the group and two in theirs. (If it becomes a regular thing, you will probably end up alternating.) If the server asks about splitting, and the other Dad says yes right away, just go with that.

 

[slo]

I'd probably offer to pay since he's coming to watch your daughter play, but I agree with others that have said to wait and see how the boyfriend's dad is looking to do things.

The Dad is coming to watch his son, who pitches for the same college’s baseball team - I didn’t make that clear. I’ll fix that in my original post

 

[slo]

So many great replies - thank you!

 

[GreatLakes]

I would pick up the tab as a "Nice to meet you" gesture.

I'd do this but if the dad insists on splitting it I wouldn't fight him.

 

[leebee]

I might talk to your DD and see what she thinks/how she feels about the situation. I guess I'd also want to know if alcohol is being ordered, as this runs up a bill very quickly. All in all, if your DD agrees I'd say split the bill: You, DH, and DD vs. BF and his dad.

 

[SC Minnie]

If you're going to a reasonably priced restaurant I would plan to pick up the tab for everyone then follow the cues of the BF's Dad. If he tells the server to split the tab or insists on picking up for everyone then let it be.

 

[TwoMisfits]

I'd just ask for separate family checks when the waiter takes your order. It's what I do when my friends and I triple couples date - it works SO well to not have hard feelings when everyone knows they are just paying and tipping for themselves.

PS - We are already handling 2 of the 3 couples having allergy orders (and 1 not), so we already have to be very vocal at the get go of ordering. And splitting does ensure the allergies come out the right way for the right person (my friend has gluten while I have dairy and tree nut/mango - mixing up our food would be bad)...

 

[Karin1984]

A lot of awkward situations in life can be avoided by opening your mouth. Discuss it with the people involved. Ask your DD what the plan is, what they expect and want to offer. And/or ask the father of the boyfriend.

Talking about it will make everything much easier.

Assumptions can be wrong.

 

[longboard55]

The only thing I would recommend is working it out in advance and informing the other side. We do that all the time, it is we pay, its your turn or split