The trip is off

[la79al]

Okay, I sat down with the kids and gave them some money up front. I then showed them the chore chart and explained to them that they had all day to do the chores (feed the cat, take out the trash) and I would pay them each night. I told them there was not a set amount that they had to put into savings but it would be nice if they would put some in. DSS says he is not spending any of his on anything and will not be doing the late swims. DSD will need some work 'cause I practically saw her deciding what she was going to buy first. I told them I got them soda, candy and ice cream so there should not be that many trips to the ice cream stand. They were both excited at getting spending money. I really am an idiot because I did notice before that when they have their own money, they are much more careful about spending it. They didn't have any questions or concerns so hopefully we have found something that will work for us all. DH is mostly concerned with keeping me content (or at least quiet). I have not told him the full system yet but I'm sure he will be in agreement that it sounds like a good plan. He agreed to the points I did tell him about.
And is the trip back on? I don't know. I'm not really worried about it right now. The kids definitely still want to go but I told them that as of right now, it is on hold and we will talk about it in another couple of months. We can't even book anything until at least August so we will see how things have worked out until then.

 

[Leajess99]

The kids are 12 and 8 and are you guys expecting them to pay for their trip?? I am confused here because I just do not understand this thinking. My younger 2 are 11 and 6 and while they have a savings account with their birthday money and such in it they are placing the change they find in the Disney bank for our trip. That does not mean they do not get to spend some money if they want. The change they find is usually mine or what they find on the street. I do not expect them to spend their money at Disney. I expect them to have fun at Disney and enjoy it as well as enjoy being a kid while they can. Your step children are kids and they want to have fun and swim. I just do not understand this but I can understand the mom feeling that the kids should be able to get money from you guys to go swimming when you have them.

 

[Leajess99]

I want to know how OP's dd, who is only a baby, is "saving up" for the trip.

I was wondering this as well. Hmmmmm, maybe the baby has to pick the trash up off the floor to earn that money.

Or better yet if she doesn't poo in her diaper she gets a dollar.

 

[braydensmom]

I understand that you are really trying to work with the kids here, but what I don't get is, if there is no trip to Disney now (as you have stated, its been put on hold), then why are you asking the kids to save money up for a trip?

And how much money are you hoping that they save up?

If you arent leaving for 13 months, what is the point in doing it now? Heck, Im planning on doing a huge trip in July 2010, but I dont plan on saving up for it until December or January.

 

[NJBILL]

I was wondering this as well. Hmmmmm, maybe the baby has to pick the trash up off the floor to earn that money.

Or better yet if she doesn't poo in her diaper she gets a dollar.

The OP is making some positve progress here. The fact that she has called herself an idiot several times in these threads leads me to believe she needs help with her own self esteem which has most likely been beaten down by a controlling DH... I agree her message is still confusing to the kids, but give her some credit for taking our criticism and TRYING to make the situation correct. That is clearly a step in the right direction toward a possible solution.

 

[hentob]

The fact that she has called herself an idiot several times in these threads leads me to believe she needs help with her own self esteem which has most likely been beaten down by a controlling DH...

I agree.

She has posted some things in the past that show me she is afraid of approaching her husband for things such finances, money for her daughter’s Easter Basket, grocery money (she is in charge of buying groceries…yet she does not have a job) and money to pay “her bills”.

He wants her to stay home with his children, because day care is too expensive. Yet, she has to find a way to pay “her bills”.

Notice how above she said she has “not told him the full system yet” as far as giving money to his children. Why?

She is afraid of her husband. I am sure they all are.

 

[hentob]

And is the trip back on? I don't know. I'm not really worried about it right now. The kids definitely still want to go but I told them that as of right now, it is on hold and we will talk about it in another couple of months. We can't even book anything until at least August so we will see how things have worked out until then.

The thing is, you all have been talking about this trip to them for a long time. They were supposed to be saving for this trip and that is why it is now off. All of a sudden, you are “not worried about the trip” and you will talk to the children later about the trip that THEY cancelled with their behavior.

Can I ask you again—Has your husband sat them down and apologized for flipping out on them and blaming the trip cancellation on them? Have you at least explained that they are NOT the reason you are now (all of a sudden) not actively planning for this trip?

I am sorry your DH plays mind games with you, but please protect these children from that

 

[themousetrap]

Okay, OP, it's good that you're trying to instill these monetary values, but I still think you're doing it the wrong way.

The way my parents did it with me was we had an allowance - it was only 10 bucks a week, but hey, it was the 80's. Anyway, we had an allowance and we were expected to do the dishes, take out the trash, feed the dog, etc. If they provided a roof over our head, lights, a picture on the tv, a dial tone, and the ability to wear a different outfit to school everyday, the least we could do is clean up some of the messes.

I guess it was how I was raised old school where you shouldn't get paid for something you're supposed to do anyways. I could get into the husband-wife thing, but this is a family-friendly site that I don't want to get banned from . Eventually, the kid mowing the lawn and washing the car is going to expect more money than the kid doing the dishes and/or feeding the dog and that's going to be a whole new problem.

IMHO, I think that spending money for the children for a vacation should be part of your budget and planning for the trip, not theirs. In fact, why are you making them save for a vacation you're not even sure you're going on? I think you should simply tell them that you're going to give them spending money and they're more than welcome to save up some extra for themselves. But, don't force it on them to save. You're trying to bunch spending money for everyday things with spending money for a vacation and not only is it confusing them, but its confusing you.

Trust me, they're not going to learn a lifetime's worth of financial values from a single vacation. They'll learn it when you start making them buy their own video games and clothes...and ice cream and swimming expeditions.

And, the fact that you would rather talk to us here than to sit down with DH with DH's baby's mama and with the children all in the same room at the same time concerning this issue speaks volumes about DH.

 

[kbeverina]

Okay, I sat down with the kids and gave them some money up front. I then showed them the chore chart and explained to them that they had all day to do the chores (feed the cat, take out the trash) and I would pay them each night. I told them there was not a set amount that they had to put into savings but it would be nice if they would put some in. DSS says he is not spending any of his on anything and will not be doing the late swims. DSD will need some work 'cause I practically saw her deciding what she was going to buy first. I told them I got them soda, candy and ice cream so there should not be that many trips to the ice cream stand. They were both excited at getting spending money. I really am an idiot because I did notice before that when they have their own money, they are much more careful about spending it. They didn't have any questions or concerns so hopefully we have found something that will work for us all. DH is mostly concerned with keeping me content (or at least quiet). I have not told him the full system yet but I'm sure he will be in agreement that it sounds like a good plan. He agreed to the points I did tell him about.
And is the trip back on? I don't know. I'm not really worried about it right now. The kids definitely still want to go but I told them that as of right now, it is on hold and we will talk about it in another couple of months. We can't even book anything until at least August so we will see how things have worked out until then.

It's always a good thing to teach kids the value of the dollar and how to be responsible with money. But you have to be careful how you do it and not go to the extreme. It's not good for kids to worry about family financial stability.

My kids occasionally will ask if we can afford something or how the economy is going to affect us and I tell them it's not their concern. If we decide we can afford something, we can afford it. Our decision, not theirs. We have no problem talking about getting the best value for the dollar in front of them, i.e., this is going on sale next week, we'll wait, or we really don't need that right now, etc. But would never, ever talk about my husband's co-workers who got laid off that day or our tanking 401k in front of them. They should not feel we're made of money, but they should not be worried about paying the mortgage.

Personally I don't tie chores and allowance, though my kids have both, because I don't want them to choose not to do the chores and not get the allowance. Because they would. I would also never stop and let them buy different snacks because they didn't like what I brought, but that's a different thread.

Just make sure that with all this emphasis on finances that they understand you and your husband are responsible for the family's financial stability and you will indeed be responsible and make sure they always have a roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their backs, etc. It's just not good for kids to see you so stressed over money.

 

[brockash]

I think it comes down to-DH does not like DW. He is going for the kids. There are about a million places he would rather go. If the kids do not even want to go badly enough to look in the freezer for ice cream before running to the ice cream stand or skipping one or two late swims then it doesn't seem like they really want to go that badly. The money would just be for their spending money, since they each went through more than $100 the last time we went. I'm not sure that saying oh yeah, spend your money on whatever you want now and we'll hand you more for vacation is really what we want to portray. I'm not saying that either of them should put every penny towards the trip but like I said, DSD went through $5 in less than 24 hours last weekend and came looking for more. Where do we draw the line in saying that some of the money needs to be saved?

I'm sorry, but the whole situation, sounds just rediculous (on the adults part.) It's one thing if you want to teach them about saving, which has nothing to do with your "family" vacation as far as your kids go. If you want to teach them to save, than require them to put a certain percentage in the bank every time they get money (which obviously you can't require with money that their mom gives them ect.) but if you guys ever decide to give them an allowance ect. you could do it with that.

I don't know what you two expected an 8 and 12 year old to do with money???? Of course they're going to want to spend it, sure they're not going to look in the freezer for ice cream instead of going and buying it first. This is how you teach them, let them do whatever they want with it, since in all honestly, it's money from their mom's house, and so there's not a whole lot you can demand, but then when you're at DW, if they don't have any spending money, and you all aren't planning on giving them any, then oh well, I guess they don't get to buy anything, that's life, and maybe next time they'll want to save some money.

 

[Tinkmom75]

Um, OP is not making her stepkids pay there way. It sounds like she wants them to save for souviners and extras. She did go overboard, but is getting that under control.

I agree OP is making positive progress. I think her plan is getting better. My DD would save $$ and has for years. My DS11 is just starting to understand the value of saving his money and not buying all kinds of little junk. I think the 12 year old should get it, but it should be his choice if he wants spending money at Disney or use it elsewhere. If they don't save they don't get extras. My DS has to save his Birthday money. I don't just let him spend it on anything. Maybe half of it yes.

Before we all flame the OP's DH, please remember she wanted to stay home, there was an agreement in place and some money set aside. Once that money was gone she needed to go back to work or find a way to earn a little extra cash to make a certain amount of money so their budget would work. She started getting stressed out because the set aside money was getting low and she wasn't ready to go back to work. OP has a problem, DH may not be as bad and controlling as we all think. If there are self esteem issue then she may not ask for what she wants/needs. I have a mother like this. It's not that people don't love and care what she wants/needs. Sometimes she simply doesn't let them know. Then OP was passive aggressive, complaining about every cent the steps spent. Not excusing DH's cancelling the trip ations, but this sounds like he was fed up with OP's complaining and cancelled trip to get her off his back. Cause the bottom line is she wants to continue to be a SAHM at all costs and that is no longer in the budget.

 

[dis75ney]

We have actually tried both the DD and the GC before. First trip DSD refused to spend her DD because they had Disney characters on them (speaking of, she still has them stashed somewhere....). Second trip, DSS found out that he couldn't use the GC at the little carts where he was constantly buying sodas. We may try the DD again though. I think DD is over the 'I have to keep them forever' stage. Thanks for the suggestion

My DS is the same way ("It has Disney on it! I need to keep it!!!"). A hint that might work for you...

When my DS lost a tooth last year, we were caught completely off guard (he knocked it out at the playground), and by the time we picked him up from after school care, it was too late for us to get anywhere for dollar coins (DH started giving DS dollar coins from the tooth fairy and it stuck). So when DS went to bed, I hopped on the computer and created my own version of Disney dollars. I added the notation that these were only redeemable at the Bank of Mom & Dad, and also added a small checkbox to one of the corners so we could mark when DS gave it to us for real cash at WDW (since DS is too smart for his own good, he would try to redeem them a second time). We just came back yesterday from WDW and this worked like a charm...he got to spend his own money AND got to keep the Disney Dollars!

 

[disneyfantotheend]

I don't think there is any harm in making the kids save their own spending money. I am quite sure that the 1 year old is not saving spending money. But maybe the parents put up money for her for holidays like birthdays and Christmas or maybe they just won't get her souveniers. I know the older my kids get the more they want. Not souveniers though, they are beyond that point. More Arcade money, snacks and stuff like that.

I, however, do not think it is fair to have them saving for a trip that may never happen. You should tell them that they need to put up some of their money into a savings account. Then if you do end up going to Disney, they can withdraw part or all of it. I think it is cruel and unusual punishment to think that every little thing they do or buy is going to get their trip cancelled. Wait until you are sure you are going to tell them any more about it. If they do not have much of their own money saved, then they don't get the extra stuff. It could be as simple as that.

 

[hentob]

She started getting stressed out because the set aside money was getting low and she wasn't ready to go back to work. OP has a problem, DH may not be as bad and controlling as we all think.

She wanted to baby-sit to make money (even had a child lined up), but DH said no.

She is not allowed to work in the summer because she has to watch his children from a previous marriage.

She was hesitant to ask him for money for an Easter Basket. She hoped her DH would pick up the Easter Basket tab for his children.

She did not want to approach him about throwing a birthday party for his child. She hoped he would buy a gift for his daughter. She was unsure if he would or not.

She is also responsible for buying groceries.

If all she is saying is true, she has to fend for herself and the children……….yet they “definitely have enough money for a trip to WDW”.

It just doesn’t make sense. None of this does.

I feel for all of the minors involved It has to be a stressful household.

 

[hentob]

Forget everything I said in past posts

Just found a thread from OP from 2 years ago. Looks like she didn’t like to share her (secret) money while she was working.

You and your DH are made for each other.

I give your marriage one more year.

Again, I pity the kids.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1414863&referrerid=93883

Here's the deal. I have a savings account that DH does not even know about. It is left over student money that I am planning on using to stay home when we have a newborn. DH is saying that we can still do our Disney trip in June if we can come up with half the money between now and then. We will get the other half from tax money. This being said, I could borrow the money from my savings account, and then tell DH that I borrowed it from a family member so we are sure to pay it back. What does everyone think about this?

DH is not involved in my finances. If he asks about things I tell him but other than that I don't bring things up. He took the paperwork to the accountant and spent 4 hours doing our taxes with him so he may very well know about the account and has not said anything. I guess if he does not feel that we should pull money out of his savings account to put toward the trip, we won't be pulling from mine either.

 

[Tinkmom75]

They must have done something to make it possible for her to stay home this summer. She had more bills than savings in April

The DH didn't think that things were bad enough for her to take on another child yet and didn't like the situation with the mother of the child she was going to babysit.

It didn't make financial sense to put stepkids in daycare. Why not have them and be able to stay home with DD longer.

The birthday and holiday things

ITA the whole thing doesn't make much sense I think both adults need to have a chat and re-evaluate how things are going.

 

[NJBILL]

I was feeling sorry for the OP..Now I just feel sorry for the kids..Can't waste anymore of my life on this thread. God help them.

 

[hentob]

I was feeling sorry for the OP..Now I just feel sorry for the kids...

I agree.

It seems like there have been years of “trip's on/trip’s off……we have no money/we have lots of money….I hope we can “find” money…..How will I buy groceries….My goal in life is to get to WDW” situations

Immature and irresponsible behavior that children should not have to witness

 

[MoniqueU]

Totally not surprised by the newest revelations. It is sad but not shocking. OP do the kids a favor and get the trip all booked and paid for in advance and less then 45 days out before you even mention to them they might be going, it is not fair to dray little kids into you and your DH's mindgames and money problems.

 

[livie1205]

You should tell your sister you can't go without your stepkids. They are your family. I just can't believe you would consider going without them.

I do not agree with this...sometimes my step son does things with his other family and sometimes we do things with dd when he is not here...I will not tell my dd that we can only do things with her when dss is here while he is at the beach or whereever....
BUT I think that NOT taking them altogether is wrong...we take all three kids on a family vacation every year but sometimes we take little trip with dd while my son and dss are not here.I think you are being mean to these kids and you know you are being mean to them...it sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards them.