Still believing - Spoiler alert - Update

[china mom]

Well, the thing it that it is YOUR home and that if you brought the woman into your home, you should be able to get her out.

I am not saying any of this is easy. But dealing with the dynamics of all of this is way too stressful. If Carol oversteps, call her out on it. Your family is not her family and letting her have a say in things is probably a bad answer.

I don't want to get rid of Carol. I love her. It is just hard sometimes. But then, the kids can be hard too sometimes and I'm not getting rid of them (yet).

I am calling her out when needed. She gets huffy and acts hurt but then we all get over it. For a while, DH thought I was being too hard on her so I took a step back and just started pointing things out to him (after the fact) instead of saying something to her. He gets it now and lets me correct her without judging me for it.

 

[cabanafrau]

Well, the thing it that it is YOUR home and that if you brought the woman into your home, you should be able to get her out.

I am not saying any of this is easy. But dealing with the dynamics of all of this is way too stressful. If Carol oversteps, call her out on it. Your family is not her family and letting her have a say in things is probably a bad answer.

Probably? Hemming and hawing doesn't work for this family. It is a bad answer, period.

 

[luvsJack]

I have had no fear of being the bad guy. I have been ready to be frank with her for a long time. It is DH that wanted to keep playing and didn't want anyone to tell her. But, he has never understood a) how much extra work it is on me (and me alone) to keep up the charade and b) how ridiculous it is for a 14 yer old to still believe.

I didn't hint. I straight up said that I was the one who makes the baskets each yer and puts them out. I told her that her brother has known for a while.

Don't be too hard on Dad. Maybe he just wants to keep his baby young as long as he can? Girls growing up is a lot harder on Dads than it is on Moms.

I think the asking if she wants to help play Santa to someone else (maybe someone less fortunate?) and sort of just being matter of fact about it may be best. I don't see why it has to be some big sit down conversation. But I would definitely let your DH know what is going on first (and maybe Carol too?).

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't want to get rid of Carol. I love her. It is just hard sometimes. But then, the kids can be hard too sometimes and I'm not getting rid of them (yet).

I am calling her out when needed. She gets huffy and acts hurt but then we all get over it. For a while, DH thought I was being too hard on her so I took a step back and just started pointing things out to him (after the fact) instead of saying something to her. He gets it now and lets me correct her without judging me for it.

Because the relationship of a tenant/friend is somehow equivalent to the relationship with your children?

Then again, it would explain why a husband would intervene when his wife takes issue with outside interference, relationships being equivalent and all.

 

[Hisgirl]

Oh China Mom!

I am so very sorry this didn't go as expected but, I do agree that your daughter should know the truth. Especially if she is capable of being 'emotionally exploited'.

You can give her the tools she needs to protect her heart and her mind and by knowing the truth and how to discern what is real and what is not, she will be better equipped for 'the real world'.

If she were my girl, (I do have a daughter), I would sit her down and tell her about the story of Saint Nicholas and share how different cultures celebrate Christmas. It's the 'Spirit of Christmas' that you, as a parent, are bringing to life by creating the magic of Santa Claus.

Then, I would ask her if she would like to participate and 'be Santa' to younger children in your community who need help. Find a place where you two can shop for small toys and your daughter can wrap and create magic for someone less fortunate.

I would also read to her "Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Clause" which can be found here http://www.newseum.org/exhibits/online/yes-virginia/

Holding the magic of Christmas in ones heart is special and endearing. And because she is becoming a young woman, she will cross over from the child side of Santa to the grown up side of Santa, holding the magic and bringing it to life for others.

It's like the characters at Disney World. Cartoons are not real life, you can't reach into a cartoon and touch Cinderella, or find her in a real house down the street, but the characters take the story of Cinderella and bring it into real life so we can see and touch and hear and feel the true heart behind the character.

Bless you China Mom. And tell anybody else who does not respect your values and wishes for your daughter, they can just mind their own bee's wax.

 

[china mom]

Because the relationship of a tenant/friend is somehow equivalent to the relationship with your children?

Then again, it would explain why a husband would intervene when his wife takes issue with outside interference, relationships being equivalent and all.

I don't think that is what I said. My relationship with my children is no where equivalent to my relationship with Carol. I was saying that just because a relationship can be hard at times, doesn't mean you end it. I was making a joke about getting rid of the kids. Sorry I forgot to insert the smiley so you would know that. My bad.

I know when I open myself up on a forum like this, I am embracing the possibility of being judged based on the limited information I have provided. And I typically enjoy the back and forth and don't mind being misunderstood but am fascinated that my entire marriage can be analyzed based on the few posts I have made online.

 

[DLgal]

Sometimes you can tell a kid the truth and they will STILL believe.

I told both my boys that Santa isn't real. Actually, I told them about Saint Nicholas and told them that the adults are the ones who buy all the gifts in the "spirit of giving." I told them point blank that Santa isn't real. My autistic 14 year old never really believed. He is too much of a realist. At 2, he said to me, about Mickey Mouse in Disneyland "there is a man in there." My 13 year old STILL believes he is real. He doesn't get it. He's also autistic, though. He has a hard time understanding and separating fantasy from reality. "Real" to him means something he can see and touch. He can see Santa (like, at the mall and stuff like that). So, therefore he must be real. He likes to dress up like different characters (like, bounding) and in his mind, THAT is also "real." When he dresses up like a Toy Story Alien, or Dory, or any of the Super Mario characters, HE is that character, and he is real, so...we just go with it. Our 13 year old is very immature in many ways, due to his disability. Believing in this stuff brings him so much joy and happiness. We don't lie to him. I tell him "mommy and daddy are Santa", over and over again, but on Christmas eve, he still believes in the magic. Why would I take that away from him? People might make fun of him, but he is completely oblivious to that kind of thing. The kids at his school aren't jerks, though. They all treat the special ed kids really well and wouldn't ridicule them for something like this.

Heck, who am I to judge anyway? My motto is "never grow up."

OP, let it go. Your daughter will believe what she wants to believe. Eventually, she will figure it out. Don't string her along, though. Make her Easter basket in front of her, wrap the presents in front of her, or straight up buy them in her presence, that kind of thing. If you don't want her to continue believing, don't hide stuff and do things in secret anymore.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

I wonder if Carol could have misunderstood, and thought you were coming to her under duress, like maybe your DD figured things out, asked you, and even though you were saying for Carol to tell the truth, she thought you really were telling her wink wink to tell the " truth" because maybe she thought you would like your daughter to still believe and wanted her to confirm.

 

[ahutton]

Oh China Mom!

I am so very sorry this didn't go as expected but, I do agree that your daughter should know the truth. Especially if she is capable of being 'emotionally exploited'.

You can give her the tools she needs to protect her heart and her mind and by knowing the truth and how to discern what is real and what is not, she will be better equipped for 'the real world'.

If she were my girl, (I do have a daughter), I would sit her down and tell her about the story of Saint Nicholas and share how different cultures celebrate Christmas. It's the 'Spirit of Christmas' that you, as a parent, are bringing to life by creating the magic of Santa Claus.

Then, I would ask her if she would like to participate and 'be Santa' to younger children in your community who need help. Find a place where you two can shop for small toys and your daughter can wrap and create magic for someone less fortunate.

I would also read to her "Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Clause" which can be found here http://www.newseum.org/exhibits/online/yes-virginia/

Holding the magic of Christmas in ones heart is special and endearing. And because she is becoming a young woman, she will cross over from the child side of Santa to the grown up side of Santa, holding the magic and bringing it to life for others.

It's like the characters at Disney World. Cartoons are not real life, you can't reach into a cartoon and touch Cinderella, or find her in a real house down the street, but the characters take the story of Cinderella and bring it into real life so we can see and touch and hear and feel the true heart behind the character.

Bless you China Mom. And tell anybody else who does not respect your values and wishes for your daughter, they can just mind their own bee's wax.

Ironically, this is how I did it with both of my girls and it turned out beautiful. They helped me prep and keep the spirit alive for their brother, and last year was the first year that Santa's visit was filled with helpers where I didn't have much to do. They each helped with different parts and DH and I got to enjoy the magic.