Still believing - Spoiler alert - Update

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The update sounds like a script for a lifetime movie or something.

 

[mom2rtk]

We had a Santa reveal go bad. I feel for you OP.

 

[dreamer17555]

I am so sorry it went so poorly. I am going to make a suggestion that when you decide to tackle Santa that instead of it being he is not real it is more like would you like to help be Santa for someone else? Hopefully it is easier. Sorry the Easter Bunny was so stressful for your family.

 

[wenrob]

It was. I ended up telling DH that he is not allowed to speak to me until tomorrow afternoon as I headed out to pick up carry out Chinese for the kids. carol retreated to her apartment and cooked her own dinner (she usually eats with us). DS needed reassuring that DH was wrong to blame him for assuming that he was in on telling DD. And it is going to take me a while to get over carol imposing her parenting ideas on my family.

And I will never hear from the exterminator again.

You dragged poor Carol into your mess. If she had agreed with you, you wouldn’t have had a problem with it. It’s wrong to hold it against her when you put her (and your DS and DH) on the spot.

And for the love of Pete just sit down and have the very frank and real conversation you should have a had a couple of years ago. You’re making it worse than it has to be by hemming and hawing and pussyfooting around the whole thing. Ten or eleven I could see the hesitation but at 14.5 you aren’t doing her any favors.

 

[morgan98]

You dragged poor Carol into your mess. If she had agreed with you, you wouldn’t have had a problem with it. It’s wrong to hold it against her when you put her (and your DS and DH) on the spot.

And for the love of Pete just sit down and have the very frank and real conversation you should have a had a couple of years ago. You’re making it worse than it has to be by hemming and hawing and pussyfooting around the whole thing. Ten or eleven I could see the hesitation but at 14.5 you aren’t doing her any favors.

Again, I am not a parent so I know this is an issue I have not have direct experience with (at least in terms of telling my own child that Santa doesn't exist).

However, I think this is all being blown WAY out of proportion. Finding out Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy wasn't real was not even a blip on my radar. At some point, most kids figure out just doesn't make sense from a logistical standpoint. Treating this as some life altering piece of information is just odd.

I can't help but think your daughter is just confused by the whole dynamic of the situation.

 

[ronandannette]

Did I forget something from @china mom ‘s previous posts? Is the daughter developmentally delayed?

 

[Minnesota!]

The update sounds like a script for a lifetime movie or something.

Yes, but now that Lori Loughlin is out, who will star in it??

FWIW - my older son believed until he was 13. I SWORE he knew, so after Christmas that year, I took him aside and had a very direct conversation with him. He was in 8th. I just kind of said "it's ok to let me know you know". Ugh..he still believed. He was shocked, but not hurt/offended, etc.

My younger son still believes at 12, but he has questioned it for years. So, who knows if he is playing me. My older son is kinda a dick to the younger one, so I am sure he has passed the info on. What younger kid does with it is his own thing!

 

[china mom]

Sorry china, but I find it easier to believe in Santa Clause AND a 6’ Easter Bunny than your latest post. A big thumbs up for creative writing, though!

Thanks for the call out on my writing style but I assure you that everything took pace as written

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yes, but now that Lori Loughlin is out, who will star in it??

 

[ronandannette]

Well there are lots of other excellent choices. I’ve always said I’d want Tia Leone to play me in the movie. We look nothing alike but I think she could really capture my essence!

 

[china mom]

You dragged poor Carol into your mess. If she had agreed with you, you wouldn’t have had a problem with it. It’s wrong to hold it against her when you put her (and your DS and DH) on the spot.

And for the love of Pete just sit down and have the very frank and real conversation you should have a had a couple of years ago. You’re making it worse than it has to be by hemming and hawing and pussyfooting around the whole thing. Ten or eleven I could see the hesitation but at 14.5 you aren’t doing her any favors.

You are right, I was wrong to not have given everyone a heads up about this being the day that I would tell her about the bunny. I get what I get when I don't have the conversation scripted and should have worked it out with Carol ahead of time. And if she feels so adamantly that DD should not be told, I should have left her out of it.

She is more than just a tenant and friend, though. She considers herself the kids' grandmother and, by all means, she is not shy about inserting herself into family business and making "parenting" comments and such. It is not like I went to a next door neighbor or something. And, I didn't involve the exterminator.


I agree that the hemming and hawing caused this crisis and that responsibility falls directly on DH. I wanted to be frank and tell her years ago.

 

[cabanafrau]

You are right, I was wrong to not have given everyone a heads up about this being the day that I would tell her about the bunny. I get what I get when I don't have the conversation scripted and should have worked it out with Carol ahead of time. And if she feels so adamantly that DD should not be told, I should have left her out of it.

She is more than just a tenant and friend, though. She considers herself the kids' grandmother and, by all means, she is not shy about inserting herself into family business and making "parenting" comments and such. It is not like I went to a next door neighbor or something. And, I didn't involve the exterminator.


I agree that the hemming and hawing caused this crisis and that responsibility falls directly on DH. I wanted to be frank and tell her years ago.

If you had the unilateral power to make the decision to tell her now, you've had that ability all along and did not. There's plenty of hemming and hawing responsibility to share.

 

[NYDisGuy]

I miss the days where you would find out Santa wasn't real by when you snuck up on your dad with a bag of presents and a six pack at 11:30 on Christmas Eve.

 

[morgan98]

You are right, I was wrong to not have given everyone a heads up about this being the day that I would tell her about the bunny. I get what I get when I don't have the conversation scripted and should have worked it out with Carol ahead of time. And if she feels so adamantly that DD should not be told, I should have left her out of it.

She is more than just a tenant and friend, though. She considers herself the kids' grandmother and, by all means, she is not shy about inserting herself into family business and making "parenting" comments and such. It is not like I went to a next door neighbor or something. And, I didn't involve the exterminator.


I agree that the hemming and hawing caused this crisis and that responsibility falls directly on DH. I wanted to be frank and tell her years ago.

But DD is your child. You can tell her when you what to tell her and do not/should not have to consult with Carol. You could have laid it all out for your daughter and let the conversation come to a natural conclusion.

I am not trying to be critical, but the dynamics around this seem overly complicated.

 

[smiths02]

Sorry it has worked into such a big ordeal for you!

My 12 year old came to me on Christmas this year and told me that he needed to tell me something. Turns out, he knew Santa isn't real and pretty much knew last year, but wasn't 100% sure. He was so nervous about telling me he knew!

 

[wenrob]

You are right, I was wrong to not have given everyone a heads up about this being the day that I would tell her about the bunny. I get what I get when I don't have the conversation scripted and should have worked it out with Carol ahead of time. And if she feels so adamantly that DD should not be told, I should have left her out of it.

She is more than just a tenant and friend, though. She considers herself the kids' grandmother and, by all means, she is not shy about inserting herself into family business and making "parenting" comments and such. It is not like I went to a next door neighbor or something. And, I didn't involve the exterminator.


I agree that the hemming and hawing caused this crisis and that responsibility falls directly on DH. I wanted to be frank and tell her years ago.

No, it falls on you both. At this point not telling is for your benefit not hers. You don’t want to be the bad guy and while I get that it’s part of the parenting process. If kids don’t come to the conclusion naturally at a reasonable age then it’s your job to tell them. Not hint, be candid and straight. They’ll get over it.

 

[china mom]

......

I am not trying to be critical, but the dynamics around this seem overly complicated.

Yes, it is overly complicated. And, consider me a cautionary tale: think hard and long before bringing another woman into your home.

Most of the time, Carol and I get along great but there are times when I realize that she over estimates her role in our family. Her daughter is my age and her grand-kids slightly older than my children and sometimes she forgets that she is not my mother/their grandmother.

Her daughter lives in our neighborhood and they had had some falling out and hadn't spoken in about 6 months (relationship is improving). I think my family is a surrogate for hers.

 

[china mom]

No, it falls on you both. At this point not telling is for your benefit not hers. You don’t want to be the bad guy and while I get that it’s part of the parenting process. If kids don’t come to the conclusion naturally at a reasonable age then it’s your job to tell them. Not hint, be candid and straight. They’ll get over it.

I have had no fear of being the bad guy. I have been ready to be frank with her for a long time. It is DH that wanted to keep playing and didn't want anyone to tell her. But, he has never understood a) how much extra work it is on me (and me alone) to keep up the charade and b) how ridiculous it is for a 14 yer old to still believe.

I didn't hint. I straight up said that I was the one who makes the baskets each yer and puts them out. I told her that her brother has known for a while.

 

[ronandannette]

You are right, I was wrong to not have given everyone a heads up about this being the day that I would tell her about the bunny. I get what I get when I don't have the conversation scripted and should have worked it out with Carol ahead of time. And if she feels so adamantly that DD should not be told, I should have left her out of it.

She is more than just a tenant and friend, though. She considers herself the kids' grandmother and, by all means, she is not shy about inserting herself into family business and making "parenting" comments and such. It is not like I went to a next door neighbor or something. And, I didn't involve the exterminator.


I agree that the hemming and hawing caused this crisis and that responsibility falls directly on DH. I wanted to be frank and tell her years ago.

Again I apologize if you discussed this somewhere upthread - may I ask why on God’s good earth your husband and friend/grandma are so insanely vested in having your teenage daughter continue to believe? That they would both “double-down” and insist to her that you were lying is mind-blowing.

 

[morgan98]

Yes, it is overly complicated. And, consider me a cautionary tale: think hard and long before bringing another woman into your home.

Most of the time, Carol and I get along great but there are times when I realize that she over estimates her role in our family. Her daughter is my age and her grand-kids slightly older than my children and sometimes she forgets that she is not my mother/their grandmother.

Her daughter lives in our neighborhood and they had had some falling out and hadn't spoken in about 6 months (relationship is improving). I think my family is a surrogate for hers.

Well, the thing it that it is YOUR home and that if you brought the woman into your home, you should be able to get her out.

I am not saying any of this is easy. But dealing with the dynamics of all of this is way too stressful. If Carol oversteps, call her out on it. Your family is not her family and letting her have a say in things is probably a bad answer.