Should we welcome the "new" relatives?

[luvsJack]

It may have been weird for you but it may not be weird for them at all (spending Christmas with a "new" family). We don't know their circumstances. Maybe they have never had a real family Christmas with lots of loving family around and the OP's cousin is wanting to give them that. Maybe they feel like the OP's cousin is some kind of connection to their father.

There is something I learned about kids a long time ago and this can carry over into adulthood too: Sometimes a bad parent is better than no parent. Not to everyone else, but to the child. In their eyes, they can "fix" mom or dad. And of course they believe him to be innocent, who wants to face the fact that their parent; the person who is supposed to love them unconditionally and be their hero, murdered someone?

 

[NobleAlyssum]

I think saucymb and her family was rational in their decision. Yes, the children did not commit the crime, but they (as well as the wife of the murderer) are showing an extreme lapse in judgement against facts presented to them. And if something as serious as murder can be disproved by a few words of pathos, what else are they capable of waving off simply because it doesn't fit their idea?

 

[Wishing on a star]

There is something I learned about kids a long time ago and this can carry over into adulthood too: Sometimes a bad parent is better than no parent. Not to everyone else, but to the child. In their eyes, they can "fix" mom or dad. And of course they believe him to be innocent, who wants to face the fact that their parent; the person who is supposed to love them unconditionally and be their hero, murdered someone?

I have seen this kind of thing, and it has ALWAYS been a very negative and devastating situation. There is one person in my extended family that this would very much apply to.

It is not my responsibility to address other peoples very deep and troubling issues, and to bring them into my own home.

Guilt tripping does not change that.

OP, IMHO, you have made the right decision.

 

[luvsJack]

I have seen this kind of thing, and it has ALWAYS been a very negative and devastating situation. There is one person in my extended family that this would very much apply to.

It is not my responsibility to address other peoples very deep and troubling issues, and to bring them into my own home.

Guilt tripping does not change that.

OP, IMHO, you have made the right decision.

I already said that I thought she made the right decision so not guilt tripping in anyway. There are better circumstances for meeting these people.

I was only addressing the comments about these adult children being "odd" because they may want to spend Christmas with their step-mother's family. Of course its not the OP's responsibility to address her cousin's step kids issues although I don't think loving one's parent is a "deep and troubling issue". I have seen this kind of thing many times, too, and it is sad for the child even an adult child. I see it every day in my nieces. I wish I could change it for them but I can't fix their "mother" anymore than they can. The OP's cousin's step children wanting a loving relationship with a man that may be incapable of being their father doesn't make them troubled, it makes them human. And in of itself, shouldn't keep the OP's family from getting to know them. Not on Christmas and maybe in a smaller groups and preferably in the cousin's home.

 

[LJSquishy]

I wouldn't even invite HER to family events! Clearly she has a few screws loose herself to start a relationship with a prisoner, then marry him.

No way is it appropriate for her to bring his kids to the family events...they're adults and likely would want to be with dear old dad, right? Or wait, is he still actually in prison? Either way, no.

 

[eliza61]

It's not all that uncommon. A year or two ago some woman wanted to marry Charles Manson. Other serial killers have received love letters and e-mails from star struck women. That female prison worker who helped the two inmates escape last spring in upstate NY.

I think such women, like the cousin, are more than a little "off." More like seriously defective. The step children might be fine people, but no way would I want the cousin in my house any longer. So unfortunately that excludes the stepkids as well.

OMG I read that and saw it on the news. Sorry girlfriend is one saltine cracker away from the looney bin.

 

[Skywalker]

I don't think its so odd that the two girls would want to go...with their upbringing maybe they are seeing the cousin/new wife as someone normal to cling to. And maybe the cousin did some big talking about what a great experience holidays are with a large, close, happy family...and maybe now she looks like a total fool which is why she lashed out. Who knows. I would let them come, there is no indication they are going to spend Christmas talking incessantly about their dad. I'd probably give them the benefit of the doubt on that.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Absolutely not. If it were me, I wouldn't even be inviting the cousin no matter how close we had been in the past.

 

[Squirlz]

I am really curious-even working at a prison-how you form the kind of relationship with a prisoner that would lead you to divorce your husband and marry an inmate
When I read stories of women who do this, I always think they are "off" somewhat.

She's most likely being thorougly manipulated by the guy.

 

[nkereina]

Didn't get a chance to read all the replies so I apologize if I'm missing details. I agree with the OP in that Christmas would not be the ideal time to make the introduction of her family to her step-kids and vice versa, but I don't think they should be excluded from future family functions once that initial introduction is made. I obviously don't know anything about the cousin or her step-kids, but it sounds like she has some kind of a relationship with them which may be a good thing for the kids (adult children). If their father is in prison for murder, I can only imagine how much of a messed up family dynamic they grew up in. It might do them good to be considered part of your family, which sounds close knit.

 

[Wishing on a star]

She's most likely being thorougly manipulated by the guy.

These kinds of psychopathic criminals are often MASTER manipulaters.

But, having said that, a person would have to have some serious issues or a few screws loose to become taken in so easily.

 

[NotUrsula]

I've got to wonder how she met the guy at all, assuming that he is probably serving a life sentence, or something very close to that. (If the murder was infamous enough to be easily googled, he probably didn't get off lightly. (Sad reflection on our society though it is, the fact is that a relatively small number of murder trials get actual press coverage. I had an acquaintance who was killed by a guy she was dating; he got mat at her and hit her; and the blow broke her neck. It was reported briefly in the press when it happened, but there was no followup mention of his trial or conviction.)

Yes, it may be that the adult children are perfectly nice folks, and I wouldn't be holding his crime against them if they are upstanding citizens themselves, but I would be insisting on meeting them first ahead of time and issuing the invitation myself if there was some question of whether or not they really wanted to come and why. (We do have lots of random folks brought to our Thanksgiving and even Christmas dinners, but the gift exchange is long over by that time; we have a rule that you don't bring strangers into that part of the holiday, because it makes everyone uncomfortable wondering whether or not to get a gift. We once had some folks get a flat tire near the house on Thanksgiving and ask to use the phone to call a tow truck; it was cold out so my sister welcomed them in to wait. They got totally swept into the party, and it wasn't until the tow truck showed up to get them that we all realized that none of the invited guests actually knew them from Adam. )

 

[cabanafrau]

OP has described the cousin as someone who likes to behave in ways that shock and provoke a reaction. OP admits to not even knowing if the cousin's new stepchildren were expecting to come with their stepmother, or even have any plans to spend the holidays with their stepmother in any fashion. I vote cousin was just looking to pull her family's chain for whatever reason.

As far as the adult stepchildren, they were a two year old and a newborn when dear old papa was incarcerated for the final time. I question what type of influence he could have been in their formative years -- beyond a figure of some type of myth or legend in their minds and/or family stories.

 

[MarySwanson]

Yes they would be welcome at my house for Thanksgiving. Its family, I wouldn't hold what their father did against them. I also wouldn't hold my cousin's lack of judgment or being off against her. Maybe she really needs her family right now, I wouldn't shun her just because I didn't agree with her way of thinking.

 

[nkereina]

I've got to wonder how she met the guy at all, assuming that he is probably serving a life sentence, or something very close to that.

The original post said the cousin worked at the prison he is incarcerated at.

 

[scrapquitler]

Second, the (adult) children had nothing to do with anything. She says we are close-minded and she will no longer attend any family events.

The decision is made. I'm just curious about what you all think about it.

Well she is right that the children had nothing to do with anything. My heart breaks for them having had to live with the burden of whatever their dad did (or didn't do) their whole lives.

Is it worth losing touch and no longer having a relationship with your sister over this? Only you can decide, but for me, I'd let them come.

I can only say that in my family, our house was an open place for people to come who had no where else to go for the holidays. We always had friends of friends, neighbors without other family, second cousins of that guy who my dad worked with, etc. Some of those people were not always the most upstanding people, but we tried not to judge, after all, it was the holiday celebrating a guy who forgave EVERYONE for all their sins. And my mom always said "sometimes those people who are the most trouble are the ones who need the most compassion". It's, an only a couple of hours, dinner and desert.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Well she is right that the children had nothing to do with anything. My heart breaks for them having had to live with the burden of whatever their dad did (or didn't do) their whole lives.

Is it worth losing touch and no longer having a relationship with your sister over this? Only you can decide, but for me, I'd let them come.

I can only say that in my family, our house was an open place for people to come who had no where else to go for the holidays. We always had friends of friends, neighbors without other family, second cousins of that guy who my dad worked with, etc. Some of those people were not always the most upstanding people, but we tried not to judge, after all, it was the holiday celebrating a guy who forgave EVERYONE for all their sins. And my mom always said "sometimes those people who are the most trouble are the ones who need the most compassion". It's, an only a couple of hours, dinner and desert.

That's what I don't understand. OP says they're open to welcoming people into their home for the holidays... but not THESE people because they are in denial over their father's guilt.

 

[kamik86]

Honestly It is my opinion that the right time to introduce anyone to the family is not at a large holiday get together like this.

My husband met the majority of my family at different smaller events before attending our first Thanksgiving celebration... not just my parents but my siblings and nieces too.

Every other person coming into the family met at least 4-5 people that would be at the holiday even before going to the first one. YOu don't bring someone if you would be the ONLY person they know.

So my answer would have been no on just this alone.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Honestly It is my opinion that the right time to introduce anyone to the family is not at a large holiday get together like this.

My husband met the majority of my family at different smaller events before attending our first Thanksgiving celebration... not just my parents but my siblings and nieces too.

Every other person coming into the family met at least 4-5 people that would be at the holiday even before going to the first one. YOu don't bring someone if you would be the ONLY person they know.

So my answer would have been no on just this alone.

THAT reasoning makes perfect sense to me.

 

[luvsJack]

Honestly It is my opinion that the right time to introduce anyone to the family is not at a large holiday get together like this.

My husband met the majority of my family at different smaller events before attending our first Thanksgiving celebration... not just my parents but my siblings and nieces too.

Every other person coming into the family met at least 4-5 people that would be at the holiday even before going to the first one. YOu don't bring someone if you would be the ONLY person they know.

So my answer would have been no on just this alone.

My sons and I met dh's entire huge family at their Christmas eve gathering. It wasn't bad at all. Made us really feel welcomed and a part of the family. It can work. Don't think it would in this case, though.