Parenting teenagers is hard and sometimes crazy

[princesscinderella]

The obstinate behavior of my 13 year old daughter today has inspired this thread. She had piano lessons today and about half way through her lesson decided to cross her legs. He piano teacher asked her to uncross them because she would not be able to use the pedals properly or have proper posture to play and move up or down octaves. He tried asking her nicely and explained why she couldn’t sit that way while playing. She refused, he then asked if I could talk to her. She was adamant that’s the only way she could sit comfortably and still refused. She didn’t care that I would take away her electronics or cancel her plans to trick or treat with friends, keeping her legs crossed was the battle she wanted to fight. After a couple minute stand off where we all just waited in silence for her to uncross her legs, we just ended the lesson early. Her lesson is only 1/2 and hour so it’s not like it was even a long time left where she had to sit “uncomfortably” in her words.

She’s my youngest and the roller coaster of puberty hormones affects her so much more than my son or other daughter. I never yelled at her I just explained how disappointed I was in her stubborn behavior, took away her electronics and am making her write an apology letter for being disrespectful to her teacher, along with some hugs to let her know that despite her poor choice today I love her and if there’s more going on she needs to talk about I’m here. She really couldn’t explain later why it was so important to keep her legs crossed once she was out of her funky mood. I never would have guessed parenthood would involve a stand-off about keeping your legs crossed. I also never thought I’d ask why is there a brand new pair of socks with the tags on in the bathroom sink, but I have had to ask that one too . My husband has created a document to write down some of these silly stories or adventures the kids have so that way when they get older they have a little journey of their childhood as some of them get forgotten along the way.

So my question to you DIS parents is what’s your crazy my kid/teen did what story?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You'd really punish her that much over her saying she's more comfortable sitting a certain way?

Are you sure she even likes piano that much? If she's uncomfortable sitting a certain way and playing the piano is not ideal sitting that way maybe piano is not the hill you need to choose to die on.

I don't even see how the punishment fits the crime here but this seems more like overkill taking away electronics, canceling friend outings, making her write an apology, etc Perhaps your reaction has made her feel closed off in even wanting to discuss how she feels if your reaction to it is what you've said.

 

[NAB]

Well since I’m guessing this wasn’t her first lesson and she would know why she can’t cross her legs. There is some reason , Period maybe? Embarrassment? This is a strange one. Could you see the instructor? Is it a he? These are just guesses. I could be way off just seems strange since it was half way through.

The socks have no idea…lol

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Well since I’m guessing this wasn’t her first lesson and she would know why she can’t cross her legs. There is some reason , Period maybe? Embarrassment? This is a strange one. Could you see the instructor? Is it a he? These are just guesses. I could be way off just seems strange since it was half way through.

The socks have no idea…lol

That was my very first thought, the daughter had something going on that made her feel something different in the way she was sitting, my first thought was period or just something else going on with her body (could be GI related too) or life.

 

[unrequited23]

Two unrelated thoughts. Feeling like things are happening beyond his control/he has no say in, makes my nearly 11 yr old try to exert control over his life in weird, unrelated ways. This could be about something not related to piano or sitting comfortably. Also, why couldn't the piano teacher handle this on his own? Your child is not the first to not want to sit properly, I assure you. When you teach you have to pivot to meet the student where they are in the moment to be effective. Could they have worked on a piece that didn't need pedals? Could he have let your daughter pick what they were working on? Could they have tried to play something with the absolute worst posture/finger positioning/whatever to try to make it as bad as possible? Could he have let it slide for 15 minutes? There were a lot of other options than calling in a parent.

 

[C&Jx2]

IDK... I kind of feel like more was going on than just her being stubborn.

I won't judge how harshly she was punished, however my MIL brought up a good point when I dolled out a similar punishment once... By taking away the electronics you may be essentially alienating her from her peers. It shouldn't be that way, but that is part of the world we live in, so I always really think before I throw that out there as a consequence.

But then again my daughter is so stubborn that she will argue even when she knows she's wrong so I get it... I just keep telling myself she'll make a great lawyer.

 

[princesscinderella]

You'd really punish her that much over her saying she's more comfortable sitting a certain way?

Are you sure she even likes piano that much? If she's uncomfortable sitting a certain way and playing the piano is not ideal sitting that way maybe piano is not the hill you need to choose to die on.

I don't even see how the punishment fits the crime here but this seems more like overkill taking away electronics, canceling friend outings, making her write an apology, etc Perhaps your reaction has made her feel closed off in even wanting to discuss how she feels if your reaction to it is what you've said.

Well since I’m guessing this wasn’t her first lesson and she would know why she can’t cross her legs. There is some reason , Period maybe? Embarrassment? This is a strange one. Could you see the instructor? Is it a he? These are just guesses. I could be way off just seems strange since it was half way through.

The socks have no idea…lol

She was willfully choosing to be difficult and disrespectful to her teacher and it’s not acceptable in any form and it is a pattern of behavior she is doing more and more. If she was sitting down in first base because it was more comfortable for her playing softball her coach would not tolerate it and she would have consequences. It’s a pattern with her and it was a silly thing for her to die on that hill. It is my job as her parent to provide a punishment as all actions have consequences and children need to learn that, she much prefers reading books than her electronics so the punishment is not as much of a big deal to her as you think it is. In a couple years she will be learning to drive, she can’t do that with her legs crossed, nor would her boss who is training her for a job tolerate her disrespect because she just doesn’t want to do a specific task because she just doesn’t like to. My job is to help her become a functioning adult who can adapt to change so she can handle all the bumps along this road we call life.

All that said, my parenting is not the point of this thread, it’s the silly moments you never thought you would be saying or dealing with as a parent.

I remembered another story. I took my daughter to the pediatrician after hours because she wasn’t feeling well. While waiting in the lobby a little girl and her parents came they kept asking her if she had put a raisinette up her nose. She denied it every time, all the while she was producing chocolate snot. Our appointment took a while due to labs so I asked the pediatrician if the little girl really did have a raisinette up her nose and she said she sure did and it was wedged really far up there. She then said that she’s pulled out all kinds of bizarre things out of kids ears and noses.

 

[Alicefan]

You'd really punish her that much over her saying she's more comfortable sitting a certain way?

Are you sure she even likes piano that much? If she's uncomfortable sitting a certain way and playing the piano is not ideal sitting that way maybe piano is not the hill you need to choose to die on.

I don't even see how the punishment fits the crime here but this seems more like overkill taking away electronics, canceling friend outings, making her write an apology, etc Perhaps your reaction has made her feel closed off in even wanting to discuss how she feels if your reaction to it is what you've said.

I don't think so at all. Being disrespectful to your teacher AND her mother isn't behavior anyone needs to ignore coming from a teenager. Refusal to follow directions and being disrespectful isn't cute. You have to find their currency. The OP was completely in the right not letting her child act out. Seems to me she's trying to raise a child that has basic manners. The world needs more parents who care as much. I have a 13 year old daughter and I would've done the same. My child isn't going to blatantly tell me no and have no repercussions. Sorry, not sorry.

 

[HeatherC]

The OP was NOT asking for unsolicited parenting advice or judgement. She simply asked anyone to share their own stories of parenting.

 

[slo]

The OP was NOT asking for unsolicited parenting advice or judgement. She simply asked anyone to share their own stories of parenting.

I second this and couldn’t agree more.

 

[martikus]

wow I can’t believe all the unsocilicted parking advice. These folks have clearly never had teens.

OP oh how I feel ya. I was NOT prepared for the teenage moods. 14 was horrific for my son. I think I’ve blocked most out but remember and all out shout match when I suggested he put snacks for school in a grocery bag to carry. It was like I’d suggested he wrap them in poo. I couldn’t believe it. We’ve had hundreds of those type things. No way to predict it.

Thankfully 15 is much more calm.

And extra thankful his moods have been with us only. If he ever disrespected anyone but is there would be HUGE consequences.

 

[slo]

. If she was sitting down in first base because it was more comfortable for her playing softball her coach would not tolerate it and she would have consequences.

Yep….my DD19 would not be playing in college now if she did this.
(great example)

OP…you’re doing great
Sounds like you’re a great Mom

 

[RogueX]

Oh yes, from unusual ways of putting clothes away (why are they easier to get from under the bed than your dresser?) to insisting pasta is the only meal she'll eat this week.

The best one was when my daughter texted me from the morning mask break at school where the kids were outside. She said she was going to skip school and come home because it's just too cold. My response was to point out that she's texting this to her mother and expect a punishment suitable for skipping school if she made that choice. Needless to say she didn't skip school.

 

[mrodgers]

My husband has created a document to write down some of these silly stories or adventures the kids have so that way when they get older they have a little journey of their childhood as some of them get forgotten along the way.

So my question to you DIS parents is what’s your crazy my kid/teen did what story?

Good stuff! But just want to say, please don't break out the document to visitors or anyone outside of the tightest little bubble of yourselves and your kids only. My mother did that all the time (not a notebook, but always has to tell embarrassing stories.) It's not fun to be bullied by your own mother all of your life, even to this day.

 

[princesscinderella]

Good stuff! But just want to say, please don't break out the document to visitors or anyone outside of the tightest little bubble of yourselves and your kids only. My mother did that all the time (not a notebook, but always has to tell embarrassing stories.) It's not fun to be bullied by your own mother all of your life, even to this day.

We would never do this I agree that’s awful.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Here's a quick teen story for our times:

Back about 12 years ago, there was an incident at an apartment building. The man stormed out of an apartment with a gun. There were 4 school (2 elementary, one middle, one high school) within a half-mile of the apartment. All 4 schools went on lockdown--the girlfriend wasn't sure if he was suicidal, homicidal, whatever. It was really more of a safety precaution. I found out by accident, in real time, because I happened to visit one of the elementary schools. (I had one kid each in elementary, middle and high school). The lockdown lasted ~2 hours, until the man was found, safe and nowhere near any of the schools.

Meanwhile, I get a phone call from my oldest. They were all sent to homeroom, which in her case was the library. The call: "Mom! I'm BOORRREED!" Me: "Better bored then terrified, Dear!" DD: "But there's nothing to DOOOO!" Me: "Your in the library. Read a book." DD: "But Mom, I'm stuck in the nonfiction section!!!" Yeah, the heart bleeds, you poor thing. I'm sitting here, worried that one of my kids might get taken out by this maniac, and she's STUCK IN THE NONFICTION SECTION!

Time goes on, she's now a teacher herself. I think she "gets" lockdowns a whole lot better now. Teens can really be a trip, though.

 

[tzolkin]

wow I can’t believe all the unsocilicted parking advice. These folks have clearly never had teens.

Please don't assume that just because someone disagrees that they must not have any experience. There are plenty of people who have parented teenagers who will disagree on methods, punishments, etc. Many may even have used some of the same parenting techniques that they now criticize because they found them ineffective or harmful.

That said, I didn't really see anyone giving "parenting advice"; just a few who suggested that perhaps there was something more going on that caused the daughter to be so stubborn. Is it possible she was just being a defiant brat?-- sure. But it's also possible that there really was something else going on that made the girl uncomfortable uncrossing her legs with her teacher in that moment-- maybe she got her period, maybe the teacher is a creep, maybe she's not comfortable telling her mom she doesn't want to take piano lessons so this was the best way she could think of in her 13-year-old brain to get out of it.

This is the Disboards. People are going to discuss the situation from every possible angle. Personally, I think that's a GOOD thing. Many posts are not relevant to the exact situation an OP has described, but they might be helpful for another parent in a similar situation who never would have thought of it if they hadn't been exposed to someone saying it here. My husband and I have very similar personalities and we basically agree on nearly everything. It sounds idyllic, but it made it very easy for us to believe that whatever we were doing as parents was the "right" way because it made logical sense to both of us. Our kids (now two adults and one teen) have very different personalities, so what would have worked for us was not necessarily the best for them. Getting a different perspective from other people is beneficial because it allows us to learn and grow instead of just reaffirming what we already think is correct. This wouldn't be much of a discussion board if everyone agreed on everything and no one had any individual perspectives to share.

 

[DeeBee3]

Funny you say your daughter is 13. Mine are 9 ad 5 and we would have had the same fight!!! You just never know what they want to battle about. I don't look forward to that part of teen years, but I like the idea of writing these stories down.

Maybe it's daughters? haha

 

[princesscinderella]

Funny you say your daughter is 13. Mine are 9 ad 5 and we would have had the same fight!!! You just never know what they want to battle about. I don't look forward to that part of teen years, but I like the idea of writing these stories down.

Maybe it's daughters? haha

My son is going to be 18 soon and he was much easier as a teen than my daughters have been, I think their cycles really put them on an emotional roller coaster. I’m making him a photo book for his 18th birthday with all of his first day of school pictures and a page for each year of his life and we will print out and give him his story my husband has been keeping for him. One of his stories was when he was in about 5th grade he didn’t want to wear jean to the school carnival because they “choked his knees”. I said to him I want him to remember this because in a few years jeans will be the only thing he wants to wear once he becomes a teen, sure enough it became true and he still laughs about it.

 

[DeeBee3]

Choked his knees!!! And guess what, I totally understand what he was saying!