Parenting dilemma - WAY too soon for this!!!

[Cindy B]

Dont be shocked!

Yes, this happens in middle school. It happens all the time. A "clinton" (sorry mods) is a like the new 2nd or 3rd base. Yes, 13 this does happen.

I work in a middle school. I hear all kinds of things, and I see all kinds of things. These types of things happen at parties, friends houses, and all sort of places. We need to have bathroom patrol at school dances, because of no one knows what can happen.

Yes, this is an affluent suburb as well if that means anything. That type of behavior is a known thing in our middle school.

Dont ignore, but have an honest talk.

 

[curlyjbs]

I'm just confused as to why you didn't identify yourself to the boy that was IMing you. He obviously did not mean to IM you, but your daughter. Why wouldn't you say "Hi, this is so and so's mom. I'm using the computer right now"?

I post a similar thread about a week ago. Kids today don't act like kids!
Sometimes, this is the only way for us parents to can get some information. I don't even consider this an invasion of privacy. Nothing in my daughters room, pocketbook, computer etc is sacred. I go through her stuff all the time. Never found anything worth worrying about but..............Hey, you never know! Id rather be safe than sorry!

Curly

 

[IloveDMB]

I post a similar thread about a week ago. Kids today don't act like kids!
Sometimes, this is the only way for us parents to can get some information. I don't even consider this an invasion of privacy. Nothing in my daughters room, pocketbook, computer etc is sacred. I go through her stuff all the time. Never found anything worth worrying about but..............Hey, you never know! Id rather be safe than sorry!

I'm sorry, but I am appalled by this. What a total lack of privacy and respect! If my mother ever went through my stuff, you better believe I never would have trusted her again. Do you have so little trust for your daughter, that you have to go through her stuff all the time?

Maybe kids don't act like kids because they aren't given the respect they deserve. My mom doesn't go through my little sister's stuff and she is a great kid. Never gets into any trouble, has a nice group of friends, and is basically a great kid.

Now I'm speechless!

 

[WDWfanatic288]

Scary stuff. Was wondering if anyone else saw the special with Katie Couric about teens and sex? It was pretty informative. Apparently, the latest "in thing" is called "friends with benefits". It is sooo scary to think that these kids are involved in this sort of thing thinking it is no big deal.

I watched that special(GREAT SPECIAL!!) and it was an eye opener for me!! I'm 18 and a freshmen in college and I can't believe all the stuff people do in middle school now. Looking back, I knew stuff in middle school but not a whole lot and I can't even imagine getting into "friends with benefits" and stuff in middle school, it just seems so young.

and somewhere else on this thread, someone mentioned it being a base and a lot of people think of it has 3rd base(it said that on the special too)

I'm not sure if you should contact the other girl's mom but you could just bring it up somehow, that you heard blah blah as long as you dont' accuse her daughter of anything. I seriously that it was a case of she didn't want to say no but also did not want to do it. definately have a talk with your DD though b/c then you can get more details. I'm not saying your DD is doing anything like that but it would be good to get in a talk about protection b/c maybe she could spread it around to her friends.

but it's really sad how fast kids grow up now. In middle school I used to wear baggy clothes and whatever, now kids from the age of 8 to 18 all dress the same, it's insane!!

 

[zurgswife]

I'm sorry, but I am appalled by this. What a total lack of privacy and respect! If my mother ever went through my stuff, you better believe I never would have trusted her again. Do you have so little trust for your daughter, that you have to go through her stuff all the time?

Maybe kids don't act like kids because they aren't given the respect they deserve. My mom doesn't go through my little sister's stuff and she is a great kid. Never gets into any trouble, has a nice group of friends, and is basically a great kid.

Now I'm speechless!

I'm getting the feeling you are not currently a parent....I trust my daughter but I have no problem snooping in MY HOUSE!!!!!

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Kids are given respect when they earn respect.

 

[dbogen]

I have to say this whole thread is a bit scary I have a DS12 and in 6th grade (middleschool here). I can't imagine this going on with hom or his friends, they seem so young. However there was talk about what the 8th grade girls did for an inatition on the back of the school buses, I thought it was just rumor. I'm not old enough for this.

Deanna

 

[the kabuki]

I'm getting the feeling you are not currently a parent....I trust my daughter but I have no problem snooping in MY HOUSE!!!!!

That was my first thought too!!!

 

[KristiKelly]

My daughter, my home, my computer, I'll answer one of her IM's anyday!!
It is my business to know what my children are up to. And yes, I would appreciate it if another mother called to let me know what's going on.
Much of what's wrong with this country is that no one wants to get involved.
To quote "It takes a village to raise a child"

I have to agree with this. I remember a few years back when Carroll O'Conners son died from drugs. He told on tv, for parents to search their rooms, lie, do whatever they had to in order to know what is going on in their children's lives. His son was older & died from drugs, but there are still some very serious STDs out there.

Also, did anyone see a couple of years ago on Oprah when Dr. Phil was on there, they did a segment about this. Dr. Phil made a point of letting these girls know that boys this age are not the most hygiene people in the world & went on about that. It was somewhat funny/gross. I don't know if you could contact the Oprah show to get a copy of this but it would very worthwhile for young girls to see.

 

[4nana]

This is a most interesting thread, with lots of good advise. Having raise 3 daughters and a son, I believe as parents we cannot be too careful or over protective with our precious children.

Shocking as it is, I totally agree, time for a wake up call!! Times have changed, and unfortunately not all for the better. I watched an eye opening 'Oprah' show... these acts are not considered sex to them and are occuring very early - even 11 yo in the back seat of the bus with students watching!! How sad.......I cannot even being to imagine .

Just this week on the news, a 15 yo MD girl disappeared 2 wks ago from her private school. She was recently found in Wash state, nude, in bed with her 42 yo old boyfriend, she'd met on line 3 mos prior!!! He drove from Wash state, met her at school and they drove back to Wash. Her parents had no idea their innocent young daughter was on line conversing with some stranger. They blame themselves for having their heads in the sand and not monitoring more carefully..

 

[disykat]

Even with no privacy the world is a scary place! We had an incident with my 12 yo son today. We found questionable websites in the history of our computer several days ago and both boys claimed innocence. Today I got the confession. I was glad he confessed and truly shocked that he was able to do that since I was nearby the whole time he was on the computer. I must have left to go to the bathroom or something. (No more priding myself on how well supervised my kids are!) Because of the websites they were and the speed with which he did it - I'm guessing the schoolyard talk has turned from "check out page 42 in last month's National Geographic" to "check out this website".

Just think about what we did as kids and then multiply it by the amount of adult images they have access to. Scary! There's been a lot of frank talking at my house today - even though we'd already had "the talk". My son is very confused about the feelings that he is having and what to do with them. DH talked about having those same feelings at his age. As a girl, I really didn't realize the extent of those feelings so early.

 

[DisneyPhD]

I have 2 DD (young, babies really, but the time will come soon enough). I also have a 13 year old DN that I am very close to (her mother died 6 years ago so when it comes to "talks" and such I am it.)

This concerns me. She is also on the web often (Harry Potter baords mostly). She is going to WDW with us in a few days and I was telling her about the teen board here. My brother was concerned about teens meeting up at WDW and other places. Is the teen board here monitored and safe?

Just wondering and conrned.

And yes I would have a talk with the other girl, and then her family too. Most importantly talk with your DD openly and let her know what your family vaulues are and WHY they are important to you.

God, life was rough 20 years ago when I was 13, I bet it is even harder now a days.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would either block this boy from her buddy list or remove AIM from your computer altogether.
I am appalled at some of the screen names some of these kids have. I question my son about the names on his list and if I don't know the kid or parents, the name goes. No questions asked. I will also pull AIM off, if things get out of hand.

 

[minkydog]

I'm sorry, but I am appalled by this. What a total lack of privacy and respect! If my mother ever went through my stuff, you better believe I never would have trusted her again. Do you have so little trust for your daughter, that you have to go through her stuff all the time?

Maybe kids don't act like kids because they aren't given the respect they deserve. My mom doesn't go through my little sister's stuff and she is a great kid. Never gets into any trouble, has a nice group of friends, and is basically a great kid.

Now I'm speechless!

I notice that you are only 22yo. When you have teens of your own, you may feel differently. I never felt I had to spy on my kids until last year, when my DSs grades dropped and his friends changed. When he made a dramatic turn for the worse attitude-wise and began dropping out of stuff, I became suspicious. I have always respected my kids, but if I have reason to believe they are in trouble I'll inspect. Unfortunately, I didn't inspect soon enough and my DS nearly killed himself. While he was safely hospitalized,I searched every inch of his room--no drugs. He was clean. However I did find other contraband--evidence of unsavory friendships, occult materials, and various weapons. He also had several pieces of dark poetry and a online diary which detailed his descent into depression and suicidal planning. Since then, we have kept a veerrrry tight reign on this child and he knows it. With much therapy and psychiatric drugs, he is on course now and doing well. I will do whatever it takes to keep my kids safe, including invading their privacy and rifling their stuff.

 

[4nana]

I notice that you are only 22yo. When you have teens of your own, you may feel differently. I never felt I had to spy on my kids until last year, when my DSs grades dropped and his friends changed. When he made a dramatic turn for the worse attitude-wise and began dropping out of stuff, I became suspicious. I have always respected my kids, but if I have reason to believe they are in trouble I'll inspect. Unfortunately, I didn't inspect soon enough and my DS nearly killed himself. While he was safely hospitalized,I searched every inch of his room--no drugs. He was clean. However I did find other contraband--evidence of unsavory friendships, occult materials, and various weapons. He also had several pieces of dark poetry and a online diary which detailed his descent into depression and suicidal planning. Since then, we have kept a veerrrry tight reign on this child and he knows it. With much therapy and psychiatric drugs, he is on course now and doing well. I will do whatever it takes to keep my kids safe, including invading their privacy and rifling their stuff.

Minkydog
Absolutely! You must be a very wise and good parent! Your story just broke my heart .
Your intervention no doubt saved your son's life. Thank God he is doing better.
Continued good wishes.

 

[kejoda]

Minkydog
Absolutely! You must be a very wise and good parent! Your story just broke my heart .
Your intervention no doubt saved your son's life. Thank God he is doing better.
Continued good wishes.

Totally agree with 2nana here Minkydog. Both of you are wise women!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm sorry, but I am appalled by this. What a total lack of privacy and respect! If my mother ever went through my stuff, you better believe I never would have trusted her again. Do you have so little trust for your daughter, that you have to go through her stuff all the time?

Maybe kids don't act like kids because they aren't given the respect they deserve. My mom doesn't go through my little sister's stuff and she is a great kid. Never gets into any trouble, has a nice group of friends, and is basically a great kid.

Now I'm speechless!

Some kids have to be monitored, some don't. As a parent you have to be smart and "know" what is the proper course of action.
It is great you kids are angels. You have earned your respect. I'll bet if you started with druggie, odd, angry, depressed, or whatever behaviors your parents would be in YOUR ROOM in a flash.
Comes with the job. It is one of the unpleasant parts of parenting but has to be done.

 

[DisneyPhD]

Some kids have to be monitored, some don't. As a parent you have to be smart and "know" what is the proper course of action.
It is great you kids are angels. You have earned your respect. I'll bet if you started with druggie, odd, angry, depressed, or whatever behaviors your parents would be in YOUR ROOM in a flash.
Comes with the job. It is one of the unpleasant parts of parenting but has to be done.

I totally agree!!!!! Parents are parents, not friends. It is dirty job, but need to be done.

It doesn't seem that long ago that I was teenager, (instead of half my life!) It isn't an easy job now a days, being a parent or a teen.

minkydog, heres to you!

 

[curlyjbs]

I'm sorry, but I am appalled by this. What a total lack of privacy and respect! If my mother ever went through my stuff, you better believe I never would have trusted her again. Do you have so little trust for your daughter, that you have to go through her stuff all the time?

Maybe kids don't act like kids because they aren't given the respect they deserve. My mom doesn't go through my little sister's stuff and she is a great kid. Never gets into any trouble, has a nice group of friends, and is basically a great kid.

Now I'm speechless!

Sorry you are appalled but you need a REALITY CHECK!
My daughter is an honors & gifted and talented program student. NEVER gets into trouble and I do trust her and respect her ...........but she is still a child and I cant always trust her to always do the right thing not because she wants to make/get into trouble but because she isn't "street" smart enough to walk away or make the right choice.


You know, all us parents were teens just like you once. Wait till you grow up!

~curly

 

[transparant]

I am so glad that many of us parents are on the same page with the "inspecting" topic. Parents need to do whatever it takes to keep our children safe and on the right path. Minkydog - I applaud you! Thank goodness you did what you did! If I have reason to suspect ANYthing at all - I WILL go through my childs things. I posted a thread kind of similar to this a few months ago - and I can't believe the flames I got when I mentioned that I'd go through my childs belongings or online journals (they don't have them - they have no computer use except for homework) if I suspected anything wrong. I was also told that since my kids don't use the computer for anything other than school work that I was "keeping them in the dark ages" or "limiting their socializing". Whatever. They are my kids and I do what I think is best for them - not what adolescent society thinks is best for them.