My Escape Artist

[wvdislover]

My DD9 has ADHD, SID, auditory processing difficulties, anxiety issues, mild Asperger's, and some autistic tendencies. Anytime something gets too difficult for her to cope with, she runs away from the problem (literally). For instance, one night we were shopping at her favorite store and I was trying to get her to try on an outfit, but she didn't want to do it. Eventually, she ran away from me and hid under a rack of clothes (I thought I'd never find her!). Anyways, last night, when she was working on her math homework (her least favorite subject!), she got mad at me when I was trying to point out a mistake she'd made on her paper and tried to run away to her room. I told my husband to stop her b/c I felt like we need to try to break her of this "escape" mechanism. I don't want her to think she can run away from everything in life that is difficult. When he stopped her, she freaked out on us and started screaming and trying to get away from him. She kept kicking him, hitting him, biting him, and screaming at both of us that we were "idiot jerk buttheads." Everytime we tried to talk to her to try to rationalize with her about her actions and the 2 math problems she had to do, she kept telling us to shut-up. (You must understand that normally all of these are things she isn't allowed to say and usually gets punished for). It then escalated into "I wish I wasn't in this family. I wish I was dead, that I would fall on a knife and die. I wish you and Daddy were dead. I want to kill you..." After a 20 minute battle, we gave up and let her run to her room. After about 5 or 10 minutes, I was able to go in and talk to her calmly and comfort her. After a few more minutes, you would have never known the meltdown of the century had just occurred! My DH, who doesn't usually experience her meltdowns, thought she was schizophrenic. I told him it was more like Bi-polar. Usually when she does this, she doesn't even remember a lot of what happened. Most of the time she's a sweet girl who would do anything for anyone, but has a lot of social problems at school, which doesn't help things.
Anyways, does anyone experience this with their kids? What do you do? How do you handle this? Should we let her "escape" or should we try to stop her? I'm afraid that she, her sister, or someone (or something) else is going to get hurt. Please help us! We hate to see her like this. Thanks!

 

[Val]

Actually, some of this is normal. The not wanting to be in the family (when she's mad) and the threats are often made by "typical" kids as attention getters! Don't let her labels fool you into thinking she can't just be an unruly 9 year old (as ALL 9 year olds can be).

Her escape might be her way of calming down.....but it should be controlled and not just running. Can you give her a "Safe" place to got to- her time out from the situation spot? Maybe not her room, if she plays, but a quiet corner or the couch in the living room- some place that's calming but not necessarily the most fun place. This is okay, as long as she has to come back and finish the task- you might even put a time limit on it (figure the amount of time it typically takes her to calm down, add 5 to 10 minutes, and that is the absolute limit). That way, she can calm down, you still have control, and the task gets finished.

Out of the house is more difficult....but maybe she could ask to sit on a bench or some other "Safe" place in the shopping mall or shopping center? Again, put a time limit on it- and then back to the task at hand.

I can't count the number of times I have been nominated as the worst mother of the year by my 4 kids (DD19, DD15, DS11, and DD9 with hearing loss)! I have been hated, darned to h-e- double toothpicks, sworn at, etc. Not often, but it happens frequently enough to know that my kids can be brats! So can ALL kids! Good news is they tend to grow up in spite of it! My DD19 is now a really cool person! There is hope for the other three!

Good luck! God Bless! And remember, being the Mom is not the same as being her friend! For every "I hate you" now you will be rewarded with hugs and kisses and I love you's 10 fold. And know that God will send her a child of her own- JUST like herself! (Certainly you have applied that curse already!)

 

[wvdislover]

Thanks for the ideas Val! Anybody else?

 

[nobodies36]

Don't let her labels fool you into thinking she can't just be an unruly 9 year old (as ALL 9 year olds can be).

I had to quote that as I think it is the best piece of advice I have heard in a long time.

Let me explain. I am 25 and been disabled for nearly 11 years. With me, my mother had to learn to distinguish between what was my illness and something else. For example, some days I am too tired to get out of bed or shower etc due to my illness. But because of my illness I have all sorts of other problems. My lack of social skills and agoraphobia (caused by my M.E.) mean that sometimes when I am sick I am too afraid to call the doctor or leave the house. Rather than try to explain it to my mother, I used to say I was too tired, as I thought she wouldn't understand that I just couldn't call the doctor, or too afraid to leave the house. When pushed, it would stress me so much that I would actually become exhausted and need to rest (stress makes my illness worse), so it was easier to say I was tired as I knew that would happen.

After years of this, my mother managed to understand and now I am in a place where I can say that I can't do a simple thing like make a phone call and she will help me. I hope you can see the relevance.

On the other side of the coin, my little cousin (8) has similar issues to your daughter. He has a class (I think through Occupational Therapy) called 'How my engine runs' and it has worked wonders. He still has meltdowns but he can verbalize them coming better. He has signals to indicate when he is feeling like he might meltdown, or when he is in a situation where he needs some help. He has learned that rather than running away (usually to his room) when he gives the signal his parents can help and the outcome is better. For your daughter, I would maybe suggest that you explain that you want to help her, but running and hiding in shops is not a good idea. Perhaps, covering her ears with her hands, closing her eyes and counting to ten would be better (at this point DC would be thinking about how his engine runs and to make it slow down). At the start, remover her from the situations relatively quickly- once we pick an outfit, we can leave, etc. At the start when she can't verbalize as well- you will have to for her- we are going into the shop picking an outfit and leaving. Then she knows that there is really no need to escape as you have said that it is a short trip, and picking the clothes is just as easy as escaping and you being forced to remover her anyway. Talk all the time- we are going to pay for the lovely outfit you picked out. She will learn to trust better that you are helping her and by changing her escape you are telling her that you understand how she feels but also set boundaries.

Rationalizing with kids is difficult, but when she starts to verbalize with 'shut up' the best thing to do is not to try to rationalize, but tell her you will be leaving the room for her to calm down (you are only making her engine run faster by trying to rationalize when she is feeling that way). Then when she has calmed down and does the maths problem, praise her up so much (but only for the math). Eventually when she does start to control her outburts you can praise that too- how well she handled it (when you knew she would have normally escaped, but controlled herself).

Remember, she is learing self control, and your boundaries are very important at this stage.

You may have tried that angle before. You may think it might not work for your DD, but I have seen it work with my little cousin. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Qudos for asking for advice- it shows how much you love her.

Good luck. I hope this has helped some.

 

[Goofyluver]

My DS began having "outbursts" about a year and a half ago. No hitting or physical things...just screaming and crying. Literally screaming and crying at the top of his lungs. He will say things...the worst is "You must hate me" or "I hate you!" His outbursts started over homework, when something is difficult for him or if he doesn't want to do something, these outbursts occur.

I sought counseling for him, because I didn't think he had the words to express his feelings. He is SID, and neurologically impaired that places him on the spectrum...and about a million other diagnosis. The counselor gave him coping mechanisms to deal with his anger...things like: Deep breaths, punching a pillow, listening to music...etc. She is also working on him expressing himself more, so that he can say exactly what is bothering him.

It is so hard, I know! But, I think that just like any other child, he needs to learn to deal. I ignore him when he is in those moods or is having an outburst. They don't occur very often...but when they do...eeeeesh! Would it be acceptable for any child to behave in this manner? Absolutely not! I think that my DS needs to learn about acceptable behavior just like everyone else. But, they have to learn in different ways what is acceptable and what isn't. They try to push the boundaries like "normal" children. But, often, these kiddos don't understand how their actions affect others. And, I think this is very important. To my DS...he is showing how angry he is, but he doesn't understand what his actions do to others or to me.

I would recommend touching base with an outside person just to bounce ideas off of them. Whether that be your ped, or a counselor...whomever. It always helps to seek others opinions! But...despite the diagnosis...despite the things working against a child...they still have to learn to deal with life! I hope that I'm teaching my DS how to do that...but heck, I don't know! A diagnosis doesn't make the child...the child must forge his or her own path in life.

Hope you find your answers and that things improve.

 

[wvdislover]

Wow, thanks guys! As you said, Goofyluver, we are trying to teach our kids to deal with life. I want to teach DD that she can't run away from everything that is difficult. I have to look to the future and try to equip her to live as a responsible adult. I have to look to the present, too, though, and keep her from hurting herself or someone else. Nobodies36, you gave me some great ideas, too. I really appreciate the help from everyone. As you know, life with our kids, special needs or not, is a daily learning experience, with its joys and battles. Today is a better day--DD9 got a C on her science test (first try!!!), so we don't have to retake the test and she can know she got a passing grade without help. Her teacher and I both told her how proud we were of her. Here's to more joyful days!

 

[Forevryoung]

I'm similar to your daughter- I run away when I can't deal. I either shut down completely (blank stare, nothing can reach me) or litterally run. I have my share of meltdowns... and I'm 22

The biggest thing that helped me and my family to learn limits and stop breaking them was using "freeze". When I'm reaching my bursting point I say "freeze", they know to back off and let me take a break and we deal with whatever it is a few minutes later (usually 10-15 minutes later). We know the "rule" that the conversation or activity doesn't just end with "freeze".

At first, my parents taught me my limit by saying "freeze" when they saw me reach my limit. No arguing, just the simple "freeze" and then they would walk away. I knew they were coming back and weren't abandoning me. Eventually I learned to say "freeze" before they had to and sort of helped myself self monitor- they still say it "for me" sometimes. There is no blame (it's not "you need a freeze" just "freeze"...), all pressure goes away for the immediate minute, all parties get to regroup their heads. We've used it on vacation, in stores... it pretty much means "leave me alone for 10 minutes, I need a break" in those situations, nobody will talk to me until I rejoin the conversation- but I was still required to stay with the family (oh I told them that I was going for a walk in the middle of the night when we were staying on the edge of Bryce Canyon... My parent's put a stop to that one!)

My parents used it too when they were frustrated with my sister and I as well. It's not just for me.

sorry it's so long...
Forevryoung

 

[wvdislover]

Great idea, Forevryoung! That seems really doable with DD. It's something simple enough for her to comprehend and use, and may get the job done, espcially when combined with the other ideas. Thanks!

 

[Princess Stitch]

I guess I agree with most others on here. I don't think forcing your dd to be in a situation that's making her that stressed out is good for her, but runing away in a public place is not a great idea either.

I've worked with some disabled kids who carry around MP3 or CD players so that when they feel overwhelmed and don't have a quiet place to escape to they can just put their music on.

I do agree that the "freeze" technique is a great idea if used properly. I could picture alot of kids yelling "freeze" once they've done something wrong to avoid the speech by mom and dad

Either way good luck! I hope you find a good way to deal.

 

[Forevryoung]

I do agree that the "freeze" technique is a great idea if used properly. I could picture alot of kids yelling "freeze" once they've done something wrong to avoid the speech by mom and dad

See, it never avoided the speech in my situation- my parent's refused to let me avoid things but rather postpone them by letting my brain get used to the situation and "settle"

I can definitely see it being used poorly if it becomes another avoidence technique by the child- substituting one behavior for another one

 

[petlvr1064]

I am new here but have lurked for some time. I am a 21 year old girl with Auspergers. I felt the need to reply to your post because I too run away from my problems and my major LD is in math. Like a lot of other people have said let your daughter get away when she needs to. I know at home my place is my room it has been my cool down place since the age of 4. When ever I got up set I was sent there. Even though it had a TV and everything else I can promise you one thing when I am in the middle of a melt down TV is the farthest thing from my mind. At school if your daughter has an iep maybe it could be written in it to let her go and cool off. Also now that I am older I have been taught a few other coping skills one is a take ten sheet I keep with me that I can read and do what it says which is basically deep breathing and counting to ten. The last one that helps me a lot is to type my feelings. When I am up set I will just got to the computer and type. That dose not work when there is no computer but then I can result to pen and paper though usually no one but me can read that. I know this is a novel but I just wanted to let you know I can relate

Dani

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My 5th grade son has Asperger's and he occasionally needs some time to cool down and get refocused. His teacher lets him sit on the couch in the back of the classroom and read a book when he seems to need time by himself. He also prefers to walk around the playground alone at recess and lunchtime. We all used to encourage him to get involved and play with other kids and then we thought about it differently. He's required to work in groups and be totally focused during classtime. He needs break times to just walk around, use his imagination and decompress.

Your daughter's meltdown sounds pretty extreme to me. If she's not already seeing a psychologist, you might want to give it a try. We started seeing one with our son last year. The dr. has really helped us with strategies in dealing with meltdowns and protests about homework, chores, showers, etc. We've found that the incidents have decreased and our son is feeling more confident in controlling his own emotions. Good luck!

 

[cymomtx]

I have two Aspies DD10, DS16, they both use game boys to escape. All of these suggestions are great. But you really need "Social Stories" to lead into anything. Social stories are the basis of by DD's life, her speech path has them for everything in her daily life. If she starts having any difficulty at school she writes a story for it. Just like going to the store for shoping, I would write a social story and we would read it and be prepared.

 

[Ali]

Just wanted to chime in with a bit of advice - when she is melting down and screaming she can't hear you - her brain is in primitive mode. No amount of talking that you do will ever get through to her - EVER! If you have to say something to her try shhh-ing noises, a mantra like everything is ok, or I'm here, you're safe. Try just repeating these things over and over and you will feel better and you will be able to allow her some space. She still won't hear you but you will feel calmer and more able to help her get what she needs.

She is not using you or manipulating you - she isn't able to process the emotions she is feeling at that time. She needs to learn how to process, through a counselor, program like the Engine program, or child psychologist.

Establish a safe place for her in your home right now. Then work with her to teach her how to use it. Tell her she can come out when she feels better and that she will need to fix anything that was damaged or undone when she left. But you have to do this when she is calm and able to listen. Show her where it is, and when she needs to go there. At first, when she is melting down you will have to bring her to the safe space in the initial stages to try to limit the progression of the screaming. Eventually you will work up to a simple direction of go to the safe space, or you could show her a picture of the place so she can get there when she needs to be there.

Meltdowns are scary for everyone, but the kids I've worked with don't remember them after it is over and no amount of talking or yelling or disciplining while the meltdown is occuring will ever help make the situation better.

Good luck!

 

[wvdislover]

Thanks for more great ideas everyone! Things have been going pretty well recently with DD, so we haven't had to use any of the ideas. I am planning on talking to her about these ideas to see what she thinks will work for her. I'll let you know