Just need to say it out loud

[Skellingtonj]

I'm torn, on the one hand I'd want to advise my dd to speak to his parents.
On the other, I would feel that was a breach of trust (if he isn't telling them).
I guess I would just be there to vent to, and support whatever she decided to do. It can't be easy to be in a relationship with someone who is clearly suffering from something but doesn't want to seek help. I feel for her.

Do not tell her to talk to the parents. If she is not happy in the relationship, she should end it. This may be something bigger then she can handle and she’s not in a position to fix him.

 

[Poohlove]

Do not tell her to talk to the parents. If she is not happy in the relationship, she should end it. This may be something bigger then she can handle and she’s not in a position to fix him.

I would never, that would be so out of line!!!

 

[Poohlove]

In my opinion he has some kind of generalized anxiety which on the day to day he can manage pretty well but being away at school, out of the safety and comfort of home, he is struggling. He is a perfectionist with his school work and obsesses when he gets less than an A on anything I think maybe some OCD or control issues may be there too. I am not at all a professional, this is strictly from what I have observed.

 

[Poohlove]

On a totally unrelated note I find it alarming that the See Also section of my page is now suggesting several different things pertaining to anxiety, what is up with that???

 

[Hikergirl]

Do not tell her to talk to the parents. If she is not happy in the relationship, she should end it. This may be something bigger then she can handle and she’s not in a position to fix him.

I agree that if she is not happy in her relationship she should end it. However the OP didn't mention that she was looking to end it so I'm going to assume she is looking for advice on how to help him before she chooses to walk away.
They have been dating for a year, and apparently have known each other longer. She is young and probably in love and seems to be concerned about someone she cares about. I see nothing wrong with a girlfriend talking to her boyfriend's parents in this situation, if her concern is to get him the help he needs.

 

[Hikergirl]

In my opinion he has some kind of generalized anxiety which on the day to day he can manage pretty well but being away at school, out of the safety and comfort of home, he is struggling. He is a perfectionist with his school work and obsesses when he gets less than an A on anything I think maybe some OCD or control issues may be there too. I am not at all a professional, this is strictly from what I have observed.

OP, is this his first year away at school?

 

[Skellingtonj]

I would never, that would be so out of line!!!

Ok I thought you mentioned it as an option, sorry.

 

[Skellingtonj]

I agree that if she is not happy in her relationship she should end it. However the OP didn't mention that she was looking to end it so I'm going to assume she is looking for advice on how to help him before she chooses to walk away.
They have been dating for a year, and apparently have known each other longer. She is young and probably in love and seems to be concerned about someone she cares about. I see nothing wrong with a girlfriend talking to her boyfriend's parents in this situation, if her concern is to get him the help he needs.

I disagree. And I wouldn’t allow my child to do it. A year is not that long in the grand scheme of things. I’d imagine his parents know him better then she does

 

[cabanafrau]

I have not made any inference, nor is it my primary concern the impact that it is having on her time with her friends and family. I mentioned it because it is a part of the situation and worth mentioning in the grand scheme of things. I do see where you are coming from though.

It is actually the first "complaint" you cited about the impact to your daughter. I've already stated why that can be fodder for someone looking to manipulate and control. I actually agree with you that it is a valid concern.

I wasn't trying to accuse you, merely to point out how it can look/be made to seem. Also remember that none of us reading are privy to the details and have to go merely on the outline provided.

I'll also go against the grain and suggest that it's possible a situation like this can turn into one where your daughter would be doing the right thing to fill his parents in on the situation. It doesn't seem at this point that's necessary, but it may be in the future. He is in the age range where many psychological issues manifest. Hopefully if something seemed of a particular concern your daughter would inform his parents so that they could potentially intervene if necessary.

 

[Imzadi]

It has recently come to light that he has some anxiety issues and it doesn't seem as though it is being addressed. When my daughter suggests that he talk to someone he gets upset with her and tells her she just doesn't understand. The biggest thing is that he often feels "off" and thinks that there is something seriously wrong with him. He often googles his "symptoms" and then scares himself and goes to urgent care or the ER,

You say his anxiety isn't being addressed. But, he IS addressing it. Unfortunately, it's not the right resources. Google is a "friend." Yet not everything one reads on the Internet is accurate or truthful. Also, people lack the education, skills & judgement to properly evaluate & ascertain the right info from the Internet. ER doctors are usually trained in emergency physical situations, not mental or emotional. For those, they have basic textbook skills to refer patients on to the right experts in those fields.

Also, your DD lacks any type of training to handle this type of situation, as loving & caring as she is and wants to stand by him. The two things are separate. She is a great human being and caring, loving girlfriend, but not have the skills to handle the severity of this situation.

And she needs to approach the BF that this situation is possibly more and different that what Googling on one's own and what the ER doctors can provide. The WAY he is addressing it is incorrect, not that he isn't wanting to handle it. This is something out of both of their depths. She needs to get that across to him. He needs to go to doctors that can properly diagnose & treat him for his situation. BF needs to get over his ego and fear of going to the right doctors. He can't treat this on his own. Not with drive-by doctor visits to the ER. They can only put a band-aid on something that may be much more long term and severe.

If BF won't get this treated properly, DD also needs to know that if she wants to end their relationship, that doesn't make her a bad person or an uncaring girlfriend. He would be making a choice to continue to not get it properly treated and take care of himself. She doesn't need to stand by that. She can make a choice to take care of her own needs and extricate herself from the relationship. No harm, no foul. She really can't and doesn't have to take care of someone who chooses not to take care of himself properly.

Last, even if he does get this treated properly, but the continued incidences are more than she can handle, she still has a right to leave. Again, it doesn't make her an uncaring person. This turned out to be a situation she didn't sign up for. It's okay to leave and let the right girlfriend come into his life who is willing to take this on.

 

[Imzadi]

He is in the age range where many psychological issues manifest.

Yes. I can name one, but then I'd be "one of those people on the Internet" who jump to the most severe situations. YET, this makes my point, in my previous post, that this may be a situation that is way out of DD's skills & depth to manage without him going to get professional help. No one knows at this point. Although, I do wonder if his parents haven't suspected for some time, but are hoping it's not more severe and have been standing by in denial as symptoms get worse.

 

[Poohlove]

I disagree. And I wouldn’t allow my child to do it. A year is not that long in the grand scheme of things. I’d imagine his parents know him better then she does

I would imagine so as well however I don't think that they realize the frequency in which he is having these episodes because he doesn't live at home. When they get the EOB I would think that they talk to him about it but I don't know and neither does she. His parents tend to take him with a grain of salt which to me speaks to a pattern they are aware of.

 

[Poohlove]

It is actually the first "complaint" you cited about the impact to your daughter. I've already stated why that can be fodder for someone looking to manipulate and control. I actually agree with you that it is a valid concern.

I wasn't trying to accuse you, merely to point out how it can look/be made to seem. Also remember that none of us reading are privy to the details and have to go merely on the outline provided.

I'll also go against the grain and suggest that it's possible a situation like this can turn into one where your daughter would be doing the right thing to fill his parents in on the situation. It doesn't seem at this point that's necessary, but it may be in the future. He is in the age range where many psychological issues manifest. Hopefully if something seemed of a particular concern your daughter would inform his parents so that they could potentially intervene if necessary.

Other than being annoyed by it there really isn't any other complaint that I have on her behalf. As a parent, I hate to see her taking time out of what she is enjoying to coddle him because somehow the stomach ache he has means that he has a brain tumor - not an exaggeration - and he is coming to her because his friends don't want to hear it and he doesn't confide in his parents.

 

[cabanafrau]

Yes. I can name one, but then I'd be "one of those people on the Internet" who jump to the most severe situations. YET, this makes my point, in my previous post, that this may be a situation that is way out of DD's skills & depth to manage without him going to get professional help. No one knows at this point. Although, I do wonder if his parents haven't suspected for some time, but are hoping it's not more severe and have been standing by in denial as symptoms get worse.

To be clear, I didn't jump anywhere. It is a fact he is in the age range where some psychological disorders crop up. From the information we have he is struggling with anxiety currently. It doesn't appear that the situation is critical. I merely suggested that should something more concerning arise it would be prudent to inform the parents.

For the record, I'd give the same advice face to face.

 

[Imzadi]

To be clear, I didn't jump anywhere. It is a fact he is in the age range where some psychological disorders crop up. From the information we have he is struggling with anxiety currently. It doesn't appear that the situation is critical. I merely suggested that should something more concerning arise it would be prudent to inform the parents.

For the record, I'd give the same advice face to face.

Sorry, I wasn't being clear. I was agreeing with you. Neither of us named any situation to turn us into one of those who jumped to the worse situations. We both didn't want to do that. Yet, it should be brought up, as you did, that there are worse situations that do manifest in the teens in males & worsen in the 20's, that might not have been much of a problem in the teens but then need proper professional treatment.

 

[Poohlove]

i agree, but it would be interesting to just privately mentally keep track of weather these episodes are occurring specifically when your dd has plans w/family and friends. it's not unknown for some individuals to use whatever means they have to keep their significant other w/them vs. sharing them with others (had an uncle who could self induce an asthma attack and would use it to control/restrict my aunt's activities w/others. i've learned techniques to prevent/control an anxiety attack but that doesn't mean i couldn't purposely hyper focus on something that's a trigger to cause a distressing situation).

That thought had crossed my mind but I don't see any particular pattern in which he seems to have an episode. There have been times when they have coincided with things she is doing but there have also been events when she was home doing nothing.

 

[Colleen27]

As a parent of an adult child who is navigating the very difficult waters of a relationship with someone with issues (untreated anxiety and depression coupled with a physical disability), I would strongly suggest you encourage your daughter get counseling to help her learn how to establish boundaries and stand up for her own needs without feeling bad/guilty or responsible for her boyfriend's issues. The line between being supportive and enabling isn't always easy to see when you're in the thick of it, and you don't want her feeling like she has to continue in a relationship that isn't working for her out of fear of what the breakup would do to him. She can't force him to deal with his issues in a healthy way, and she shouldn't feel like she has to go along for the ride because he "needs her".

It could be that the worsening anxiety is a reaction to the stressors of first year of college, living away from home, or even the distance in his close relationships (with your daughter as well as with any other support system he might have back home). And if so, maybe summer break will bring some improvement and next year will be easier. But enough mental illness tends to surface in early adulthood that it could also be the start of a long-term pattern, in which case your DD will need the resources and support to handle the situation (whether that means supporting him in pursuing treatment or gently but firmly ending the relationship if it becomes more than she can cope with).

 

[DLgal]

... he had always been weird about some things but this is a whole new level. She tells him "you are fine, you are a perfectly healthy 19 year old kid" and he tells her he isn't and she doesn't know what she is talking about and to stop saying that. .

Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor.

However, this sounds like something far more serious than generalized anxiety disorder. This is delusions, paranoia, and detachment from reality. He needs to be seen by a psychiatrist. Your daughter should break up with him if he refuses to do so. This can get very bad, very quickly if he has what I believe he has.

 

[morgan98]

From your follow up posts, it also sounds like your daughter is left to bear the brunt of this issue, as it seems that some of his friends are "over it" and he doesn't want to talk to his parents.

I agree with staying close to her and if continues to escalate he either needs to get some help or she may need to consider stepping away.

 

[cabanafrau]

Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor.

However, this sounds like something far more serious than generalized anxiety disorder. This is delusions, paranoia, and detachment from reality. He needs to be seen by a psychiatrist. Your daughter should break up with him if he refuses to do so. This can get very bad, very quickly if he has what I believe he has.

Or it sounds like a fairly common reaction of someone in the throes of anxiety/depression.

I do think treatment is in order. I think enabling his behavior isn't going to help him, may cause him to slide into a more persistent state of depression, which can be harder to treat. I do think his behavior bears watching. More than that, not nearly enough evidence and information.