Just need to say it out loud

[Poohlove]

DD19 has been dating her boyfriend for about a year officially but they were "talking" for some time before they made it official. (He is her first serious relationship) It has recently come to light that he has some anxiety issues and it doesn't seem as though it is being addressed. When my daughter suggests that he talk to someone he gets upset with her and tells her she just doesn't understand. The biggest thing is that he often feels "off" and thinks that there is something seriously wrong with him. He often googles his "symptoms" and then scares himself and goes to urgent care or the ER, most of these times he doesn't tell his parents what is going on but he is on their insurance so I know that they have to be finding out at some point. This is happening at least once a week and it is starting to impact her time with her friends and family.

I really like this kid and I in no way shape or form fault or shame him or anything of that nature for his anxiety as I grapple with it from time to time myself however I am concerned that it isn't being addressed. I am worried about the long run and the toll it may take on DD, and I really don't like that he gets angry with her when she tries to calm him down. She has talked to me about it and I have expressed my concern for the situation and I left it at that because I don't want her to think she can't come to me. I know that at the end of the day they are adults and he isn't my child but I am still concerned that this will grow into something more serious if not addressed now.

 

[Turksmom]

Sorry, no advice for you, just hugs. Parenting young adults is hard.

 

[anniemae]

No real advice, but I would be concerned too. Unfortunately you can't really do much since she is an adult. I would just keep communication open with DD and gently offer advice. She will have to decide on her own if the relationship is worth it or not if he refuses to get help.

 

[RangerPooh]

It sounds like you're in a tough spot. It appears that your daughter has done what she can by suggesting that he talks to someone, other than that I'm not sure what can be done. His parents could make a suggestion, but I don't know if I would want to go that direction.

A serious question, do you feel that he is a threat to himself or others?

Is he currently enrolled in college? If so, does his college have an office that you could submit an anonymous welfare/wellness check request? The university that I work for (in-fact it's my office) has a webpage where faculty, students, or even friends/family can submit an anonymous request. It doesn't have to be be concern that the student is about to physically harm themselves, but that they may be experiencing other mental health/wellness issues that others are concerned about. We receive them all the time for a variety of reasons. This could be a potential avenue for someone to contact him.

Good luck.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm torn, on the one hand I'd want to advise my dd to speak to his parents.
On the other, I would feel that was a breach of trust (if he isn't telling them).
I guess I would just be there to vent to, and support whatever she decided to do. It can't be easy to be in a relationship with someone who is clearly suffering from something but doesn't want to seek help. I feel for her.

 

[barkley]

I am worried about the long run and the toll it may take on DD, and I really don't like that he gets angry with her when she tries to calm him down.

this is where my concern would be. if he's not willing to get help for himself your dd shouldn't be trying to constantly put out his 'fires' esp. if he gets angry with her about it. i wouldn't want your dd to genuinely decide the relationship FOR ANY REASON (not just the anxiety) isn't for her but have developed some sense that that she's his only source of support/help and not be willing to remove herself from it b/c of fear of what his anger could result in (towards himself or her).

does she go to college? if so she may want to use student resources to talk w/someone about the realities of being in a relationship w/someone who has these issues and is unwilling to seek treatment. if she's not she could look to outside counseling/support groups.


disclaimer-i have an anxiety disorder and i know it's hard/limiting/impacts my loved ones but through treatment i know my limitations/they know how they can help but more importantly what they cannot help w/and i have to be self responsible with (relieves allot of frustration/guilt on their part).


best of luck.

 

[cabanafrau]

When the topic comes up in conversation with your daughter I would be direct and matter of fact about the situation and the consequences of allowing the pattern of behavior to become the norm and simply the way it is. I would encourage her to take a look at whether or not she wants to proceed as if she's boarded the ride and now must simply remain seated with her arms inside the vehicle at all times, knowing that voicing concerns is useless once the ride is underway. It will be to her benefit to understand that is what her current course of action amounts to. It's a lot riskier to attempt to disengage or stop the ride while it's picking up speed downhill.

That does not mean that she needs to break off the relationship. Just as he has total control to choose how he addresses or does not address his issues, she should have equal freedom to opt out of enabling his choice not to address his issues. If she ceases enabling the status quo he will either be forced to address his issues or find another means to enable his choices. He can choose not to address his psychological needs, but she does not have to accept muzzling her thoughts about it and knuckling under and going with the flow.

Something that did stand out for me in what you said that may or may not be meaningful to your motivations is the fact that the first concern you raised about the situation was the impact on your daughter's time with friends and family. While that is quite possibly a legitimate concern, it will probably be beneficial to the situation that you leave out any inference that your primary concern is this guy and his issues are cutting into your time with your daughter. It won't benefit anyone if this comes off looking like a tug of war over time with your daughter.

 

[barkley]

When the topic comes up in conversation with your daughter I would be direct and matter of fact about the situation and the consequences of allowing the pattern of behavior to become the norm and simply the way it is. I would encourage her to take a look at whether or not she wants to proceed as if she's boarded the ride and now must simply remain seated with her arms inside the vehicle at all times, knowing that voicing concerns is useless once the ride is underway. It will be to her benefit to understand that is what her current course of action amounts to. It's a lot riskier to attempt to disengage or stop the ride while it's picking up speed downhill.

That does not mean that she needs to break off the relationship. Just as he has total control to choose how he addresses or does not address his issues, she should have equal freedom to opt out of enabling his choice not to address his issues. If she ceases enabling the status quo he will either be forced to address his issues or find another means to enable his choices. He can choose not to address his psychological needs, but she does not have to accept muzzling her thoughts about it and knuckling under and going with the flow.

Something that did stand out for me in what you said that may or may not be meaningful to your motivations is the fact that the first concern you raised about the situation was the impact on your daughter's time with friends and family. While that is quite possibly a legitimate concern, it will probably be beneficial to the situation that you leave out any inference that your primary concern is this guy and his issues are cutting into your time with your daughter. It won't benefit anyone if this comes off looking like a tug of war over time with your daughter.

i agree, but it would be interesting to just privately mentally keep track of weather these episodes are occurring specifically when your dd has plans w/family and friends. it's not unknown for some individuals to use whatever means they have to keep their significant other w/them vs. sharing them with others (had an uncle who could self induce an asthma attack and would use it to control/restrict my aunt's activities w/others. i've learned techniques to prevent/control an anxiety attack but that doesn't mean i couldn't purposely hyper focus on something that's a trigger to cause a distressing situation).

 

[TheConsciousness]

Looks like a perfect life experience for your daughter. Helping another with anxiety is a gracious act, and unless you see it physically taking a toll on your daughter, I would say its be best to let her figure out how to handle it.

 

[cabanafrau]

i agree, but it would be interesting to just privately mentally keep track of weather these episodes are occurring specifically when your dd has plans w/family and friends. it's not unknown for some individuals to use whatever means they have to keep their significant other w/them vs. sharing them with others (had an uncle who could self induce an asthma attack and would use it to control/restrict my aunt's activities w/others. i've learned techniques to prevent/control an anxiety attack but that doesn't mean i couldn't purposely hyper focus on something that's a trigger to cause a distressing situation).

I absolutely agree that is a possibility. IME it's also something that can only be solved when the person being manipulated sees and understands it on their own. I remember even back in HS dating days where friends would get tangled up with dating someone controlling and when other friends pointed it out it was dismissed as jealousy -- frequently with encouragement by the controlling boyfriend/girlfriend. Only when the person being controlled begins to feel the chafing and see the control for what it is do they address it. That's the only reason I pointed out to OP the potential of that statement being used against her.

 

[piccolopat]

Your daughter should seek counseling so she understands what she is up against. That might help her decide if this is something she really can handle or something she needs to walk away from. She can't know that herself, especially at that age.

 

[cabanafrau]

Looks like a perfect life experience for your daughter. Helping another with anxiety is a gracious act, and unless you see it physically taking a toll on your daughter, I would say its be best to let her figure out how to handle it.

It should be remembered that this could also be a life experience akin to stepping into a perfectly comfortable tub of water, having no inkling that there is a flame continuing to heat it up underneath. Nothing wrong with frank, honest dialog to make her aware of the danger in simply allowing the issues to grow without any real attempt of addressing it -- all the while being required to silently enable.

 

[DLgal]

No real advice, but from someone married to a person who developed anxiety/depression as a result of PTSD (combat military related)10 years into our marriage (we are at the 19 year mark now), I will say NOTHING she says will convince him to get help until he is ready to help himself. My husband is finally under medical care for his anxiety, and it took him almost 10 years to seek it out (and it was VERY available to him the whole time). It caused a lot of issues over the years in our relationship, but I knew it wasn't really his fault and he was never dangerous or abusive towards me, but if it had ever gone that way, I was prepared to leave him if he didn't get help, and he knew it. He got to a breaking point and began having suicidal thoughts. Thankfully he recognized the seriousness of that and it alarmed him enough to finally seek out help.

At 19, so soon into a relationship, I honestly would have broken it off under the circumstances you describe. Living with someone who is so mentally fragile and UNWILLING TO GET HELP is a lifetime sentence. It is very different than being in a long term relationship that has a solid foundation and is then rocked by the development of a mental illness, like what happened in my situation. We had 10 years of marriage, 2 special needs kids, etc, so it was worth pushing through the difficult years. We met at 19, and at that time *I* was just coming out of treatment for a major depressive episode. I was very open with my (then) boyfriend at the time, and didn't hide anything from him, but also told him that I would never be unwilling to get help if I slipped back into a depression. It is not fair for one person in a relationship to burden the other with their mental illness.

 

[Hikergirl]

@DLgal- not liking your post for what you and your dh are going through, just liking it for the perspective you can give to the OP.

 

[morgan98]

OP, I understand your concerns. At 19 and in a first serious relationship this seems like a lot to digest.

Don't get me wrong, perhaps they are the love of each others' lives and this is just a minor blip. But if it is serious enough that he is consistently going to doctor's, making their time together stressful, etc. she also has to know that she does NOT have to commit to this for the long haul.

No, I am not saying to abandon those you love when things get rough. I am saying she needs to have her eyes wide open to see what this really means for her relationship and understand and have the strength to walk away.

In retrospect, I wish I had followed this advice when I was younger myself. I am in a very good place now, but it was not easy getting here.

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

He sounds a lot like me (but he’s more extreme). I have medical anxiety (formerly known as hypochondria). I do similar things that he does: googling symptoms, feeling like I have something terrible, several trips to the ER. I’ve been on medication for a year and it has changed my life. It’s extremely hard to convince someone to get help if they don’t want it, or are afraid to. I finally got help after I had been experiencing physical symptoms for months, and facing getting an upper endoscopy for stomach issues when a PA suggested it could be anxiety.

Perhaps if your daughter can convince him there’s a way to not suffer anymore, he’ll listen.

 

[Poohlove]

When the topic comes up in conversation with your daughter I would be direct and matter of fact about the situation and the consequences of allowing the pattern of behavior to become the norm and simply the way it is. I would encourage her to take a look at whether or not she wants to proceed as if she's boarded the ride and now must simply remain seated with her arms inside the vehicle at all times, knowing that voicing concerns is useless once the ride is underway. It will be to her benefit to understand that is what her current course of action amounts to. It's a lot riskier to attempt to disengage or stop the ride while it's picking up speed downhill.

That does not mean that she needs to break off the relationship. Just as he has total control to choose how he addresses or does not address his issues, she should have equal freedom to opt out of enabling his choice not to address his issues. If she ceases enabling the status quo he will either be forced to address his issues or find another means to enable his choices. He can choose not to address his psychological needs, but she does not have to accept muzzling her thoughts about it and knuckling under and going with the flow.

Something that did stand out for me in what you said that may or may not be meaningful to your motivations is the fact that the first concern you raised about the situation was the impact on your daughter's time with friends and family. While that is quite possibly a legitimate concern, it will probably be beneficial to the situation that you leave out any inference that your primary concern is this guy and his issues are cutting into your time with your daughter. It won't benefit anyone if this comes off looking like a tug of war over time with your daughter.

I have not made any inference, nor is it my primary concern the impact that it is having on her time with her friends and family. I mentioned it because it is a part of the situation and worth mentioning in the grand scheme of things. I do see where you are coming from though.

 

[Micca]

Googling medical symptoms would induce anxiety in anyone. Do a search for a mosquito bite and you'll think you're gonna die by the end of the day. I think the best thing you can do is to "be there" for your DD. Any deeper involvement would likely just complicate matters. Best of luck and hang in there!

 

[Poohlove]

Sorry folks, a little more information may be in order. She goes to trade school - post secondary and he is at college, just finishing his first year. He is about an hour away and comes home frequently but only on weekends. She has suggested that he seek counseling at the school but he doesn't think that he needs to. I asked DD if he has always been this way or if this is something recent and she said that he had always been weird about some things but this is a whole new level. She tells him "you are fine, you are a perfectly healthy 19 year old kid" and he tells her he isn't and she doesn't know what she is talking about and to stop saying that. At first she laughed it off but now she is starting to get annoyed and doesn't give much merit to when he starts his "episodes" as she calls them.

It is definitely a life lesson and other than being there for her and offering advice and guidance there isn't much I can do. I know that this will play itself out, I just hate to see her being part of it.

 

[smiths02]

If she wants to continue the relationship, I would encourage my daughter to get some help herself on how to deal with it. Most universities will give a few counseling sessions for free, perhaps she can take advantage of that so that she can establish some boundaries at least.