How to get out of Christmas--UPDATED OCT 1 page 5

[Marchand63]

Would you tell a battered wife to take the high road and reconcile with her abusive husband? To think about the true spirit of Christmas? No? Blanket advice and empty platitudes are not helpful nor appropriate for that very reason. Not all relationships are better mended, some are better ended.

(Rhyming not intentional, but I'm just gonna roll with it. )

Well that was a canyon leap

 

[quandrea]

Have you already extended the invitation or is it just assumed you're hosting? If nothing has been said, just don't say anything. If they ask what the plan is, say I don't know, you tell me.

Sorry you have to go through family angst..it's not fun.

Haven't extended the invitation yet. It is just assumed it will be at my place, as history suggests that.

I can understand the PP simply not being able to imagine a family situation so grave that it's irreconcilable. I know in my extended family we tend to gloss over minor estrangements for the holidays, but that's not with anything even near approaching abuse involved. Maybe the PP was assuming the worst of it was the lack of birthday greetings? The way I read the OP though, those incidents were the result of something more serious. Either which way, nobody's obligated to do things they don't want to - personally I'd take the direct approach if I was the OP and just inform the siblings. Especially if she's not concerned about alienating them further.

I took no offence at the pp remarks. He/She had no way of knowing the severity of the issues.

Have you actually invieted peopel for this year already? (even so, it is still OK to cancel this far out, but slightly trickeier). If not, and you've just become the "default" keep it really simple, something along the lines of:

Hey guys, not to be persumptuous (maybe you alredy have plans elsewhere!) but looking back normally everyone ends up at my place on Christmas Eve. In case anyone was planning on that again, DH and I have decided to reserve that time just for our nuclear family this year (or from here on out, etc). I wanted to give everyone an early heads up so you can make other plans for yourselves.


I would absolutely not get into any reasons why. Even if they ask just stick with, we'd like to have it be just us. Personally, I would not suggest an alternate date either---if it is truly important to everyone else to have an extended family get together one of htem will come up with a plan and host it (possibly on an alternate date).

See my response above. This is all good advice.

As Tipsy Traveler intimated, the family dynamics at work here are pretty bad. Three years ago (this coming Christmas, actually), I told my brother I would no longer be lying for him. A domino effect ensued, which culminated in my parents disowning me. They have not seen nor spoken to me or their grandchildren since. My sisters have made no secret of the fact that they disagree with me but continue to see me because I'm their sister. They also see no reason why they can't repeatedly tell me how awful a person I am.

Through reading and some counselling I now understand that my family is enmeshed and any assertion of control of my own life is met as a betrayal. My father is a narcissist. He's launched a smear campaign against me and my husband, telling mutual acquaintances about how lost I am, how in need of help I am. My brother's unhealthy behaviour is met with sympathy and rescuing. My behaviour is viewed by the family as threatening,when in actual fact, I'm really just behaving as any normal adult women with a husband and children would behave.

Thus, cancelling Christmas with my sisters will just be more "naughty" behaviour from me. I know the mess it will create, but ultimately I'm ready for that because I just can't sit down to Christmas with them this year. It's been a bad year where they are concerned.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[McKelly]

I agree with the pp's that said - go on vacation. My DH"s family always plans to come to our house on Christmas, whether I invite them or not - because I guess if you invite them once, it's a forever thing. I guess I don't mind it......much. However, when I do want a break, we go on vacation. I know it's the wimpy way out, but it works.

Maybe your extended family will make a new tradition this year, without your immediate family, and that will continue from now on. Or, your family dynamics will change for next year, no one knows. But a vacation will get you through this year.

 

[Disneylover99]

As Tipsy Traveler intimated, the family dynamics at work here are pretty bad. Three years ago (this coming Christmas, actually), I told my brother I would no longer be lying for him. A domino effect ensued, which culminated in my parents disowning me. They have not seen nor spoken to me or their grandchildren since. My sisters have made no secret of the fact that they disagree with me but continue to see me because I'm their sister. They also see no reason why they can't repeatedly tell me how awful a person I am.

Through reading and some counselling I now understand that my family is enmeshed and any assertion of control of my own life is met as a betrayal. My father is a narcissist. He's launched a smear campaign against me and my husband, telling mutual acquaintances about how lost I am, how in need of help I am. My brother's unhealthy behaviour is met with sympathy and rescuing. My behaviour is viewed by the family as threatening,when in actual fact, I'm really just behaving as any normal adult women with a husband and children would behave.

Thus, cancelling Christmas with my sisters will just be more "naughty" behaviour from me. I know the mess it will create, but ultimately I'm ready for that because I just can't sit down to Christmas with them this year. It's been a bad year where they are concerned.

Sorry you're going through this. Families can be complicated.

If my parents disowned me and my sisters told me all the time how awful I am, I'm pretty sure I'd be done with them. Just say no to Christmas Eve. I really don't think an explanation is necessary.

Good luck!

 

[PollyannaMom]

It sounds like your family is awful to you! E-mail your sisters, mentioning that you've been invited to do something else on Christmas Eve and wanted to let them know you won't be hosting a family get-together this year. Say that you wanted to let them know, just in case they assumed last year's gathering was to be an annual thing, because you didn't want them to turn down something better.

P.S. - I wouldn't confront anyone about not sending birthday greetings, though. I think you're feeling that as part of the bigger issues, but if you bring it up, it will look like you're upset about a little, petty thing.

 

[quandrea]

It sounds like your family is awful to you! E-mail your sisters, mentioning that you've been invited to do something else on Christmas Eve and wanted to let them know you won't be hosting a family get-together this year. Say that you wanted to let them know, just in case they assumed last year's gathering was to be an annual thing, because didn't want them to turn down something better.

P.S. - I wouldn't confront anyone about not sending birthday greetings, though. I think you're feeling that as part of the bigger issues, but if you bring it up, it will look like you're upset about a little, petty thing.

I think you are right about this. It's just one more thing and I'm in a pretty aggravated state right now. Complaining about just makes me look petty.

 

[ronandannette]

I think you are right about this. It's just one more thing and I'm in a pretty aggravated state right now. Complaining about just makes me look petty.

Not sure if this is the case, but if your parents and brother are still "getting to you" through the sisters and influencing their behaviour to punish you, it does seem like the only answer here is to distance yourself from them too. Maybe, with time, the situation will change and there will be a reconciliation. For now, forcing yourself to be with them and building up more grievances on both sides can only be more damaging. Grace and peace to you all.

 

[anniemae]

I would let them know soon that you will not be hosting this year. Just a polite e-mail letting them know and wishing them well. Let them know you are telling them now so they can make alternate plans. That's it. Nothing else is necessary. No excuse, no lies, no drama. Just that you are unable to host this year.

Then you can do what you want. Go out to dinner, order in, or whatever you want.

If you want to include them but don't want to host at your house, you could always say you are going out to dinner on Christmas Eve at XYZ restaurant and if they want to join you, they are welcomed to.

 

[Hikergirl]

If it were me I'd send an email or a text to everyone letting them know that you will not be hosting Christmas this year. I wouldn't tell them anything more, or think up an excuse.
If the question you about it just say you have other plans and leave it like that.

I would not go out of my way to please them or try to show them you aren't "naughty". Just because they are your blood and family doesn't mean you need to do anything for them. Do what you need to do for yourself, and don't make any excuses for it because you aren't doing something that needs to be excused KWIM.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I agree with the others, I would simply let them know by email/text/whatever that you will not be hosting this year on Christmas Eve. If they persist, just keep saying no. They don't need any reasons or answers, just no.

I have sort of been in your shoes, I decided a couple years that spending time with certain family members (mostly my mother, but through that one of my brothers and my father) because of the way she had treated me for years and other things I won't get into. It was not easy to do, it took a lot for me to get to that point and get up the nerve to do it, but it had to happen in order to protect my sanity and my children. I have found out from my other brother that she is now doing some of the same things to him and his children that she was doing to me.

 

[quandrea]

I agree with the others, I would simply let them know by email/text/whatever that you will not be hosting this year on Christmas Eve. If they persist, just keep saying no. They don't need any reasons or answers, just no.

I have sort of been in your shoes, I decided a couple years that spending time with certain family members (mostly my mother, but through that one of my brothers and my father) because of the way she had treated me for years and other things I won't get into. It was not easy to do, it took a lot for me to get to that point and get up the nerve to do it, but it had to happen in order to protect my sanity and my children. I have found out from my other brother that she is now doing some of the same things to him and his children that she was doing to me.

That's what generally happens. The scapegoat quits/leaves and the family unit eventually picks another. That hasn't happened in my case yet because I think I still fulfill that role, only from a distance. By seeing my sisters still, the family still has ammunition so to speak, that fuels the scapegoat role. I ultimately believe that so long as my sisters still see me, that I will be the target for abuse/blame.

Last week my sister shared family news, along with the point about what a mess things are, how things aren't the same, how I've done awful things blah, blah, blah. I've asked her not to share family news going forward because I feel it serves no positive function. We will see if that helps things at all.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Christmas is a time to be with family who not only you feel comfortable with, but also know that they love and care about you. This is not a good time to put on a fake smile and grin and bear it as it will affect your dh and children. For sure the kids pick up on the negative vibes and do you want that to be their memory of Christmas Eve? Since it is assumed that you will host let your sisters know well ahead of time that this year you will not be available on Christmas Eve. It is as simple as that, really. If you want tell them you have been invited elsewhere and you or your dh has accepted. No details need to be given. "No" is a full sentence. You, as a person, deserve to be happy and looking forward to the holidays with your dh and children and I promise they will notice the difference in your attitude when this weight of meeting expectations of people who are crap to you is lifted. I wish you the very best.

 

[gotomu212]

That's what generally happens. The scapegoat quits/leaves and the family unit eventually picks another. That hasn't happened in my case yet because I think I still fulfill that role, only from a distance. By seeing my sisters still, the family still has ammunition so to speak, that fuels the scapegoat role. I ultimately believe that so long as my sisters still see me, that I will be the target for abuse/blame.

Last week my sister shared family news, along with the point about what a mess things are, how things aren't the same, how I've done awful things blah, blah, blah. I've asked her not to share family news going forward because I feel it serves no positive function. We will see if that helps things at all.

Just wanted to add in the future anytime one of them says how awful you are I would interrupt and say "I'm going to stop you right there. I'm not awful and I'm not going to sit here and listen to you say I am. Talk to you later" and then hang up/leave. Repeat every time. It should stop as soon as they learn it gets no traction with you.

 

[amberpi]

Sounds like you've got a good plan going forward, but I'm sorry you're having to live through it Enmeshed/codependent families are difficult things, add a few narcissists into the mix and it's a big pile of poop. Asserting yourself would definitely cause strive, but doesn't mean it's not worth doing. My ex's family was an issue, I was so glad to get away from it; although they controlled by never planning and then making everyone feel like they said to say "how high" when things like homemade christmas ornaments were demanded from adult children with 24 hours of notice - which somehow meant I had to come up with something while in NYC on business. Your sisters sound like they are easily influenced and in a crappy position too. They want to still have you in their lives, but the family dynamic isn't making that possible. I hope it gets better soon and wish you the best. I hate the holidays, if it was possible to go on vacation then and skip the whole thing, I'd be out of here. My folks, especially my mom, love it, so I'll be with them. Just think, without the family stress, this may be your best holiday yet!

 

[Realfoodfans]

I totally understand your dilemma. Don't feel you have to go on holiday. Why should you. I won't go through my situation but enough to say I will not put up with other people's pressure to "do the right thing" any more. I also encourage my family to do what is right for them. That does mean I don't always get to spend Christmas with all the people I want but we do gather when we can often.
You and your own family deserve to spend the holidays as you choose.
Just let everyone know that you won't be hosting.
If you still feel you have a positive relationship with your sisters perhaps arrange for just you to get together for a lunch/dinner on your own as a pre-Christmas treat.

 

[quandrea]

Sounds like you've got a good plan going forward, but I'm sorry you're having to live through it Enmeshed/codependent families are difficult things, add a few narcissists into the mix and it's a big pile of poop. Asserting yourself would definitely cause strive, but doesn't mean it's not worth doing. My ex's family was an issue, I was so glad to get away from it; although they controlled by never planning and then making everyone feel like they said to say "how high" when things like homemade christmas ornaments were demanded from adult children with 24 hours of notice - which somehow meant I had to come up with something while in NYC on business. Your sisters sound like they are easily influenced and in a crappy position too. They want to still have you in their lives, but the family dynamic isn't making that possible. I hope it gets better soon and wish you the best. I hate the holidays, if it was possible to go on vacation then and skip the whole thing, I'd be out of here. My folks, especially my mom, love it, so I'll be with them. Just think, without the family stress, this may be your best holiday yet!

I should print off your post and share it with my sisters! You show real insight and understanding of the situation. It's hard on dh and I hate him being a part of it. He didn't sign on for this kind of nonsense. When you say you were glad to get away from it with your ex's family I really get how hard it is on him. No more.

 

[amberpi]

I should print off your post and share it with my sisters! You show real insight and understanding of the situation. It's hard on dh and I hate him being a part of it. He didn't sign on for this kind of nonsense. When you say you were glad to get away from it with your ex's family I really get how hard it is on him. No more.

I know virtually nothing more than some therapy, some personal experiences, and some books. You probably know the things highlighted, or recognize them, in this article, but its a good one to keep in mind, and the book was great. Wish I'd read it sooner. https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-...ociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/
Anyhow, very best!

 

[rastahomie]

I wish I could opt out of Christmas entirely. I mean the entire holiday.

Neither Mrs. Homie nor I believe in the religion behind the holiday, yet that doesn't stop her from decorating the house to the nines. We are so broke we can't even pay attention, yet we somehow have to come up with money to buy gifts for people we don't even like (seriously, neither of us like her dad, so let's just stop buying him Christmas gifts, MMMkay?). Then we have to buy gifts for each other, plus travel to my side of the family... ugh.

I wish we could just erase the holiday from our calendars.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Well that was a canyon leap

No it wasn't. It was a simple example to show how that kind of advice could actually be harmful. It's great that most people have healthy families, but they need to realize some people are dealing with toxic cesspools of dysfunction. Physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal abuses, alcoholism, drug addiction, neglect, abandonment, pedophilia, personality disorders, mental illness, parental alienation, theft, fraud... the list goes on. There are many valid reasons one may choose not to have someone in their or their children's lives, for not just emotional wellbeing but also physical safety. When the OP asks how to avoid someone on Christmas, assume the OP knows her situation best and is making well-thought, difficult choices for good reason. Advising reconciliation without knowing the background is naive and possibly confusing, insulting, hurtful, etc. depending on where the OP is in her personal journey to extricate herself from a bad situation.

As Tipsy Traveler intimated, the family dynamics at work here are pretty bad. Three years ago (this coming Christmas, actually), I told my brother I would no longer be lying for him. A domino effect ensued, which culminated in my parents disowning me. They have not seen nor spoken to me or their grandchildren since. My sisters have made no secret of the fact that they disagree with me but continue to see me because I'm their sister. They also see no reason why they can't repeatedly tell me how awful a person I am.

Through reading and some counselling I now understand that my family is enmeshed and any assertion of control of my own life is met as a betrayal. My father is a narcissist. He's launched a smear campaign against me and my husband, telling mutual acquaintances about how lost I am, how in need of help I am. My brother's unhealthy behaviour is met with sympathy and rescuing. My behaviour is viewed by the family as threatening,when in actual fact, I'm really just behaving as any normal adult women with a husband and children would behave.

Thus, cancelling Christmas with my sisters will just be more "naughty" behaviour from me. I know the mess it will create, but ultimately I'm ready for that because I just can't sit down to Christmas with them this year. It's been a bad year where they are concerned.

Sorry for the long post.

Quandrea, just cut these people off already. Seriously, you don't need to be their punching bag. What good do they bring to your life?

I think you are right about this. It's just one more thing and I'm in a pretty aggravated state right now. Complaining about just makes me look petty.

I agree that you shouldn't bring up the birthday stuff. It will just confirm to them that they hurt you, which is their goal (so, yay! Mission accomplished!) and will give them something petty to pin all of your "silly issues" on instead of admitting that a lifetime of mistreatment is what got you all to this point.

ETA: A side bit of advice: Put all communication in writing via email or text so you can say your piece (I won't be seeing you for Christmas), and dont have to be subjected to whatever screaming and insults they'd normally throw your way. Turn off your phone and send their emails to the trash folder if you need to. Plus, it never hurts to start a paper trail. Abusive people often escalate when you try to break away. It's called the extinction burst. Best not to stoke the flames. Just go radio silent.

 

[MamaLema]

A few years ago we went on vacation on Christmas week, told everyone we don't want presents, didn't buy for anyone either.
Haven't looked back since.