Funeral planning

[Colleen27]

Okay Disboarders, wanna help talk down my anxiety while I wait in the helpless limbo of "We'll get back to you on Monday"?

My mother died early yesterday morning, less than 24 hours after suffering a seizure in her sleep. It wasn't entirely unexpected, though we did think she would have more time - she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November and was slated to start chemo to buy some extra time this coming week. She was an incredibly organized woman in the ways that matter, so I know what her wishes were right down to what funeral home to use and where she wants her ashes interred. But I have never actually dealt with the process of planning a funeral mass and luncheon and all of that, and I'm having one of those moments where I really don't feel adult enough for this. I'm sure both the woman from the funeral home and our parish staff will be helpful and reassuring when I can actually talk to them tomorrow, but that doesn't stop my mind from racing right now, you know? My MIL is wonderfully supportive and doing her best to help, but she's not Catholic so she's as new to the planning that we're going to have to do as I am.

So would anyone like to share with me their experiences and what they wish someone had told them at the time?

 

[MillauFr]

Sorry for the loss of your mother.

I understand the anxiety. I would be like for an extra $5k could the funeral home handle all of the details? I couldn't handle the stress of dealing with it.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I do not have any answers or suggestions, Colleen, but do want to extend my condolences to you and all your family, along with all your mom's other relatives and friends. God speed for you mom, blessings for all of you. 's

 

[KittyKitty]

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your mother and what to do can be overwhelming. Take deep breaths, maybe write what you feel right now. Take one step at a time. Take one day at a time.

 

[wannabee]

When my mother passed the funeral home and the parish priest made sure we knew everything that had to be done for the service. We had a get together at my parents home afterwards which we planned ourselves. I know its hard not to be anxious but I'm sure you will get all your answers tomorrow. So sorry for your loss. Its so hard to lose a parent.

 

[georgina]

The funeral home and/or church will have a booklet from the Catholic Church. I think basically we just had to pick out hymns and readings, there is a suggested list which helps. It is a stressful, chaotic time. The hardest part for us was writing the obituary.

as far as luncheon, my old church offers this in the church social hall, either catered or food brought by volunteers. For my parents we did it at a restaurant, usually in the middle of the afternoon they have space they can set aside.

my mom died on a Wednesday and we wanted to have her funeral on Saturday so more out of town family could attend, complicated by the rules about moving a body across state lines. She was in assisted living near us but buried out of her home church.

 

[mjkacmom]

Sorry for your loss, I planned my mom’s funeral (somewhat expected with a cancer diagnosis but went downhill quickly) and my dad’s (unexpected). Funeral homes are wonderful with helping in planning. I’m fortunate to have a lot of local friends who stepped in to help, dropping off food and drink for our family and extended family. The funeral home should order the death certificates (get more than you think you will need) and will even give you thank you notes. My mom was cremated but we had an open casket wake with a rental coffin. I think the home contacted our church for my mom, and set up a memorial service for my dad at the home with the pastor at his (he never attended). My mom’s repast was at a restaurant, my dad’s catered at his house. The restaurant was easier but he would’ve liked it at home.

I was really impressed with the funeral home and their services, it helped that my parents ran in the same circle as the owner and we had many funerals there.

 

[crjack]

I am very sorry for your loss. I have planned funerals for both of my parents, with my dad's being last year. (Also Catholic) They were 30 years apart but not all that different with the planning.

The funeral home should guide you through the process. They are experts and I am sure they already have a relationship with your mom's parish.

Someone from the parish may be the one to discuss any song or reading selections. Most funeral homes with have booklets that list selection choices to make that easier on you.

As mentioned, they will assist with ordering death certificates.

For my dad's there were restrictions in place with Covid at the time here in MA so that impacted us having any type of luncheon following the services but for my mom with had one at a local restaurant in a function room and the details were announced by the funeral home staff at the cemetery. We told most family members in advance.

I know this is a difficult time for you and your family and again I am very sorry. Rely on the professionals so you can focus on yourself and your family. Wishing you all the best.

 

[emmybee]

My condolences to you and your family.

 

[kymom99]

You should be in good hands with the funeral home and your mom’s parish. Both my parents snd in-laws were catholic and had catholic funerals.
The things we ran into, which really weren’t catholic related, had to do with coordinating things based on availability. For example, when my dad died, we had established a day that would work for our family, only to find out the funeral home was not available. It worked out though because the funeral company has several locations. We were able to use a different facility that was not really any farther away. My mom was so emotional and it was a bit stressful getting everything worked out. One day we all could make it, my niece had to take the AP test at school. My brother wanted to pick a different day. My sister got mad because the next day her husband would be gone out of town for work. We are a very close family snd my mom would have been upset if someone had to miss. They worked it all out and everyone was there. Mom wanted her neighbor to be pall bearer. She had her heart set on it. This guy was like family to us. Again, he was going to be unavailable but he worked it out for mom. It was exhausting but in the end, dad had a beautiful funeral. When mom passed it was a bit easier because there was a bit less pressure.
It will all work out. You will feel much better when everything is ready.

 

[mommasita]

I’m so sorry for your great loss

Everyone is so correct, the funeral home should guide you in most matters here, you are most naturally overwhelmed. I see you know her wishes, that is good to know. Have you called her friends/family?
My only regret, if you will, was being so overwhelmed with grief, is letting the funeral parlour take over the luncheon, as I paid way too much, I should have had it privately done, but I could not even come up for air at the time.
They will aid you to place the announcement in the newspaper, maybe you could take the time to think of it before, if you are able. Choose her clothing, underwear and all. Neck should be covered. Select a rosary. Select a hymn, prayer, verse you may prefer.
Sorry if I’m a lot, my Mother was a funeral director for 25 years, and I’ve buried way too many.
Losing your Mother is so difficult, once again I’m so sorry, please take the time to take care of yourself. ❤

Excellent advice on getting more than you need in death certificates, you will need a lot more than you realize

 

[JimMIA]

Our condolences for your loss.

Last year, DW's Mom (also Catholic) passed away kind of unexpectedly and we had to manage her funeral, etc. To be honest, it was very easy due to the help from the funeral home and parish. We had to make minimal choices of things like clothing, casket, vessel for her ashes, etc. but they did the rest.

Due to covid, there were big differences from what would normally have been done. Only DW, DD, and I were allowed to attend the Mass, but it was live-streamed and retained in an online library where anyone could view it later. That was very helpful because we have relatives all over the place.

 

[OneOftheB's]

First, I am so sorry for your loss. Next, it’s hard not knowing what to expect but the staff at the funeral home & parish have handled many funerals, and they will be there to help and guide you.

The things you need to think about now are getting in touch with close family & friends so they can be there for you, what songs you would like at the service and clothes for her. Did she have a hairdresser you want to come & style her hair for the viewing? If so have the number so the funeral home can arrange that (but you might want to call & give the hairdresser a heads up). And you need to think about how much you are able & comfortable in spending; it’s easy to get overwhelmed and spend way more than you planned.

 

[BlueStarryHat]

I am sorry to read of your loss, Colleen. I can't help as neither of my parents had funerals, only viewings. I just wanted to add my condolences.

 

[antmaril]

My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. My husband died from pancreatic cancer in 2008 and I know it is a beast. So sorry.

The funeral home and the church (not Catholic) were a big help to me. As a previous poster suggested, get more death certificates than you think you will need. The only thing I did on my own was plan the luncheon. I made arrangements at a nice restaurant near the church that could accommodate us. It was a pretty big group, as my husband was only 55 years old. The banquet manager was very nice and knowledgeable. It all went very smoothly. I was concerned that more people would come to the luncheon than I was expecting and I was assured they could handle it. They would make it work - not to worry.

I think once you meet with the funeral home, you will feel better.

All the best to you and your family.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

I can't really help here, just wanted to leave my sympathies.

 

[Micca]

I'm so sorry Colleen As everyone else said, the church and funeral home will walk you through everything. It helps to have another person or two (family if possible) to go with you for all the planning. You'll likely have some questions to answer and decisions to make. Having some familiar support will be helpful. Try to hang in there.

 

[tvguy]

When my MIL passed in 1999 we just winged it. She passed unexpectedly and we had no idea what were wishes were. The Funeral Home helped with the memorial service, for a fee of course. We put together photo montages to have on display, but no religious service. Just friends and family who wanted to spoke. Her husband passed before her and had been a bartender. We had a gathering at the bar he worked at, and ordered some food from the grocery store deli.
When my mom passed in 2013, she had left behind specific requests. She wanted no services, and no obituary in the paper. Her final wishes were very simple, and she had written them out and I just handed those notes to the Funeral Director. She left it to us as to whether we wanted grave side services. She was interred with my father in a National Cemetery and things had changed a lot since my mom planned my dad's funeral in 1967. Family is not even allowed to be in the cemetery until after 4 pm on the day of interment, and graveside services provided by the VA are no longer offered. The prohibition on the family being there before 4 pm is based on the fact that this cemetery has technically been closed to new interments since 1968. So over 50 years the cemetery has slowly transitioned from active interments to perpetual care. I got a call from the cemetery on the afternoon after my mom was scheduled to be interred asking me not to come that day at all. She was supposed to be interred at 10 am, but when they were preparing the grave they found that irrigation pipes were running through the grave site that had to be relocated. They assured me she would be interred that day, but it take them several hours to get the grave ready. The irrigation had been placed their because most of graves dated to the late 1960's and they assumed there were be few if any dependents/spouses interred in that area over 40 years later.

 

[NotUrsula]

My only piece of advice other than the excellent tips you have already heard here, is if you have a slightly more distant relative who is a dependable sort, asking them for help with logistical matters can be really a good thing; a cousin, niece or nephew, etc. They can be really helpful with things like keeping the caterer within your budget, or picking up the condolence notes and book from the funeral home and making sure it gets back to your home, or working with the florist to coordinate the disposition of what others send, etc.; you can give them copies of your mothers' notes and let them manage logistics while you manage grieving. These folks who were fond of your mother but not super-close to her will probably have a clearer head due to that little bit of distance, so if they are there, accept their help.

 

[AuntieMe3]

I'm so sorry for your loss.