Drinking problem

[tink20]

How can I help someone with a drinking problem? They don’t know that I know. I know if they don’t stop, then something bad is going to happen. A few things have already happened, but still has not got them to stop. If I say something, they are going to get mad at the person who told me and probably get mad at me and tell me to mind my business. Any suggestions?

 

[Donald13]

Stay out of it. It sounds like they don’t want help from you.

 

[usnuzuloose]

More than likely there is nothing you can do. It may take family intervention. And if this person is not ready to stop it wont do any good. But I sure will keep them in prayer. My half sister is an alcoholic and she does not want anything to do with me. I understand your pain....

 

[BlueStarryHat]

You can only help someone with an addiction if they are ready to help themselves, I know from experience. At some point, I had to make the decision to protect myself and step back. You can't love someone into sobriety. You can't threaten or cajole someone into sobriety. I'm sorry this is happening, and also sorry that I can't offer any words of wisdom from my experiences.

 

[TippyThomas]

From my very limited experience with this subject matter it always seems that whoever it is needs to hit rock bottom and decide for themselves that it's time for help. Until then you will just be spinning your wheels and becoming the target of their anger and frustration.

 

[disneychrista]

All you can really do is be supportive when/if they decide to make the change. It has to be THEIR decision to stop.

I will say if you are social with this person YOU should avoid alcohol so they do not feel the need to have to drink too. And also so that you can be there if they need you.

 

[mrodgers]

THEY have to be ready. With my brother and his girl, there were black eyes, broken bones, PFA's, jail time, and that was all her doing (throwing herself down the stairs and going to the police, leaving jail and then reporting him for the black eye and choke marks on her neck to the same cop that released her with that black eye and hand marks she gave to herself in jail, etc.)

They both quit drinking and are doing fantastic now.

 

[Lilsia]

You can only help someone with an addiction if they are ready to help themselves, I know from experience. At some point, I had to make the decision to protect myself and step back. You can't love someone into sobriety. You can't threaten or cajole someone into sobriety. I'm sorry this is happening, and also sorry that I can't offer any words of wisdom from my experiences.

This is what I was going to say. You can't help someone who does not want to be helped.

 

[JLTraveling]

Been there done that with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Simple answer: You can't. And an alcoholic is like a drowning person, they WILL drag you down with them. In my ex's case, it was the whole family. I was sitting with him in the ICU, on a vent from hospital-acquired pneumonia that he got while in for detox, when his equally alcoholic parents got into a fistfight with each other in the parking lot that somehow became my fault and his dad went on a bender that night and then started threatening my life. At some point, you have to walk away to protect yourself. It's tough and tragic and awful, but you can't fix it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

THEY have to be ready. With my brother and his girl, there were black eyes, broken bones, PFA's, jail time, and that was all her doing (throwing herself down the stairs and going to the police, leaving jail and then reporting him for the black eye and choke marks on her neck to the same cop that released her with that black eye and hand marks she gave to herself in jail, etc.)

They both quit drinking and are doing fantastic now.

I know this is OT but why would you think she is the one lying when she was the one with bruises, broken bones and choke
marks?
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For people who suffer with domestic violence or dating violence this book can be life changing, I read it and went to a meeting when I was around 17 and it changed the course of my life for the better. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
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OP, you can't save another person. It's tough but you need to allow people the right to make bad decisions.

If it is a child contact that child's Dr anonymously, the Dr will likely reach out and keep it confidential because it is HEALTH related but the school will blow it up. We have had to do this in the past for my kids friends Can probably do the same if it's an adult with health issues. I would not confront anyone ever

 

[Poohlove]

I know this is OT but why would you think she is the one lying when she was the one with bruises, broken bones and choke marks?

I’m also curious about how they have been able to stay together. Typically that type of codependency does not allow people to be able to stay together and if they do it isn’t fantastic.

 

[Kittyblue]

Honestly there's not much you can do. There's a support group for families of alcoholics, I know someone who found it to be helpful resource. https://al-anon.org/

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Over 10 years ago I posted something similar about a close family relative, and the posters here gave me the same advice. Over the years, as I tried to help the relative, I would recall the advice I got here. Any help I gave I did it with the knowledge that it might not work, or that I wouldn't be reimbursed. The relative went into Salvation Army (they were great) for six months, got clean, got a lot of respect while there. Got out, relapsed, got clean (I think), but always came to me to help out with rent and other stuff. This started in 1998, and this person still hasn't been able to stand on his own feet. I finally told him a couple of years ago that the well ran dry and there would be no more help from me. He knows not to ask for more money. I never berate him but I don't let his lies go unchallenged. When he reaches out to me for emotional support I don't turn my back on him, but he's one of those people that will say things with a hidden agenda. It's been interesting to see manipulative a person can be. The advice by fellow Disers years ago still stands today.

Unfortunately, people with addictions, including alcoholism, will protect that problem at all costs until their only option is to deal with it or fail; and some will still fail.

I wish you luck. Your heart is in the right place, and be sure you're willing to accept consequences if you confront this person.

 

[TLSnell1981]

OP-Addictions destroy many lives. The addict is the only one who can seek treatment and hope to beat their demons...not you or anyone else. You can encourage but don't enable or judge. There are often relapses. How they are handled can make or break the road to sobriety. It's a lifelong journey and not a simple fix.

 

[tink20]

Thanks for the advice. I will stay quiet for now.

 

[mrodgers]

I know this is OT but why would you think she is the one lying when she was the one with bruises, broken bones and choke
marks?

When you are present for it and also the cop says "you had those when I released you 15 minutes ago", then that is what you think.

 

[Travel60]

I agree with what those above have said with one caveat....if the person's drinking has the potential to harm others (drinking while driving or watching children while drinking) or if the person is underage, I think you have to step in to prevent bad results. Report them to the police or to parents or whoever they might harm. You may have to take the lumps but it's better than attending the funeral and knowing you didn't try.

 

[VandVsmama]

How can I help someone with a drinking problem? They don’t know that I know. I know if they don’t stop, then something bad is going to happen. A few things have already happened, but still has not got them to stop. If I say something, they are going to get mad at the person who told me and probably get mad at me and tell me to mind my business. Any suggestions?

There's nothing you can do. You can say something to the person, but he or she will get mad at you and it won't really make a difference. What you CAN do is decide what your own boundaries are. Know that as it turns from drinking problem into addiction, the person WILL lie to you.

One of my best friends died from alcoholism and other addictions. It was pretty horrible. Many of us who cared so much about her confronted her, helped her, listened to her, etc., etc. Eventually, each of us reached a point where we told her, "Call me when you've been sober for 6 months." When I stopped speaking to her, she was driving drunk on a daily basis and showing up to work drunk...she was a school teacher. She lost her job, her home, her car, went to rehab a few times. Her parents paid for a couple of those stints in rehab. At the end, she was homeless and died in a public park. The addiction stole her away.

I hope to God that the same doesn't happen to your friend. I hope your friend figures it out and gets medical help before it becomes a raging out of control beast that takes over everything.

 

[tink20]

There's nothing you can do. You can say something to the person, but he or she will get mad at you and it won't really make a difference. What you CAN do is decide what your own boundaries are. Know that as it turns from drinking problem into addiction, the person WILL lie to you.

One of my best friends died from alcoholism and other addictions. It was pretty horrible. Many of us who cared so much about her confronted her, helped her, listened to her, etc., etc. Eventually, each of us reached a point where we told her, "Call me when you've been sober for 6 months." When I stopped speaking to her, she was driving drunk on a daily basis and showing up to work drunk...she was a school teacher. She lost her job, her home, her car, went to rehab a few times. Her parents paid for a couple of those stints in rehab. At the end, she was homeless and died in a public park. The addiction stole her away.

I hope to God that the same doesn't happen to your friend. I hope your friend figures it out and gets medical help before it becomes a raging out of control beast that takes over everything.

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry for your loss. It is hard being on the outside looking in.

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks for the advice. I will stay quiet for now.

The only thing I will add is that while you are in this phase, it's wise to start thinking about what your personal boundaries will be. Addiction rarely stays static and it's more likely that your loved one's condition and behaviours will deteriorate, having a bigger and bigger impact on those around them. Figure out now what you will and won't do and how you will keep enough emotional distance to protect yourself and anybody who depends on you. It's very, very hard but almost always necessary. I wish you all well.