Dating Red Flags?

[disykat]

I find it interesting that anyone WOULDN'T consider divorce a red flag they would want to investigate further. I would think one of the first questions I'd want answered before pursuing anything would have been what caused the divorce or his attitude about it. To me, it's kind of like if they were unemployed. You'd want to know the situation, causes/plans/lessons learned/future goals, etc. to determine if the flag was a deal breaker.

I don't consider red flags to be the same as deal breakers. My husband was waving a couple of red flags. He wasn't interested in travel, for example. I had just gotten back from a 5 week trip to Europe when we met. I decided it was a flag I could overlook because he didn't have an issue with me liking to travel and I figured I could travel with my sister or a friend. He was also waving a geek flag and hadn't dated at all. Another flag I overlooked. We are night and day personality wise, and my friends were like "nice guy, but not who we would have put you with." Another flag. He came from a really different background than me, similar values but VERY different ways of looking at them. Not quite Dharma and Greg level, but similar. Another red flag.

Guess who now really enjoys traveling and has been a great partner for over 30 years?

 

[Karin1984]

Treatment of staff & service personnel and how do they treat their parent. If they speak to any of them in a belittling kind of way, get out of there.

I need someone who can explain what they mean/think. Years ago, I went with a friend (not a potential suitor) to a play. During intermission I asked him what he thought of the first act. All he could say was "I didn't like it". Even with additional questions he couldn't explain why. And it annoyed me a lot so, maybe that is a personal red flag.

 

[snowwite]

A pretty good red flag is when I ask if they will go out with me. If they say yes, that's pretty suspect right there.

 

[snowwite]

My husband and I met online. We were both divorced, with children. We both had been cheated on by our exes. We both have kids on the spectrum. We both have blue collar jobs.
I love travel and he had no plan to ever venture far from home but is now living in the USA and loves traveling with me. He is agnostic and I am not which leads more to discussion than anything. We do have similar political views. We are both quite liberal. He is a former smoker but if he smoked when we met it would have been a no for me. We have a lot in common but enough differences to keep it interesting. It’s been a lot of fun sharing those and learning. We are celebrating our 15th anniversary this year and it just keeps getting better. Don’t discount someone without getting to know them.

 

[snowwite]

Treatment of staff & service personnel and how do they treat their parent. If they speak to any of them in a belittling kind of way, get out of there.

I need someone who can explain what they mean/think. Years ago, I went with a friend (not a potential suitor) to a play. During intermission I asked him what he thought of the first act. All he could say was "I didn't like it". Even with additional questions he couldn't explain why. And it annoyed me a lot so, maybe that is a personal red flag.

This is so true. I once left a guy sitting at the table because he was so awful to the server. If they don’t respect people they won’t respect you.

 

[dvcgirl67]

This is so true. I once left a guy sitting at the table because he was so awful to the server. If they don’t respect people they won’t respect you.

I 100% could never be with someone who was anything but kind to a server, even a lousy server . One of the very first impressions my DH made on me twenty eight years ago was that he was a good tipper. Not a crazy-over the top tipper, but always 20%...more if the service was great.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

I find it interesting that anyone WOULDN'T consider divorce a red flag they would want to investigate further.

In this day and age, I can't fathom why divorce WOULD be a red flag, considering so many people are divorced or separated. I'm not even citing statistics here but amongst my own group of peers/colleageus - a very high percentage are divorced or separated. (Granted one could argue that certain professions are more prone to divorce than others (like professors) but still...) Families nowadays are so messy. In addition to divorce/sep, you have children, throuples, polyamory, mixed marriages (religion), the list goes on. At this point, I'd just treat divorce as another thing that happens. And frankly, isn't getting out of a bad marriage and divorcing better than staying and being unhappy or cheating?

how do they treat their parent.

This was my wife's go to, especially how a man treats his mother.

 

[georgina]

I've been married for over 35 years and would never plan to date again in the future. I didn't see mention of money handling. DH and I have always been on the same page as far as spending and saving. He smoked when we started dating, I have allergies and hate smoke. He quit off & on for years, was not allowed to smoke around me or kids, in the house, etc. At 69 he is still a nicotine addict, uses the lozenges now for his fix. I go to church, it is my social group. He doesn't. No big deal. Red flags - opposite politics, owns gun(s), volatile temper

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Different political views I can handle as long as they aren’t cult like. I couldn’t date a Qanon person.

My go to question is do you have a passport and where have you traveled.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

I've been married for over 35 years and would never plan to date again in the future. I didn't see mention of money handling. DH and I have always been on the same page as far as spending and saving. He smoked when we started dating, I have allergies and hate smoke. He quit off & on for years, was not allowed to smoke around me or kids, in the house, etc. At 69 he is still a nicotine addict, uses the lozenges now for his fix. I go to church, it is my social group. He doesn't. No big deal. Red flags - opposite politics, owns gun(s), volatile temper

This is a great point. I once was reading somewhere on a financial forum that someone would ask what their potential suitor's credit score was. That's a little extreme, but your point about money is a good one. My wife and I both come from family money (but we never relied on it) and now I'm wondering if people from drastically different financial backgrounds can hit it off initially. It is curious that no one mentioned it. I think many things like smoking or socialising can be worked through. Your red flags are legit though.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

Different political views I can handle as long as they aren’t cult like. I couldn’t date a Qanon person.

My go to question is do you have a passport and where have you traveled.

Once my wife and I established that we were both atheists, the next question turned to travel as that was a big part of our lives too. I guess I should also add that if someone didn't HAVE a passport, then that was a no go from the start.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

This is so true. I once left a guy sitting at the table because he was so awful to the server. If they don’t respect people they won’t respect you.

My wife WAS a server so she was super attuned to that as well.

 

[dvcgirl67]

This is a great point. I once was reading somewhere on a financial forum that someone would ask what their potential suitor's credit score was. That's a little extreme, but your point about money is a good one. My wife and I both come from family money (but we never relied on it) and now I'm wondering if people from drastically different financial backgrounds can hit it off initially. It is curious that no one mentioned it. I think many things like smoking or socialising can be worked through. Your red flags are legit though.

Oh, financial issues were definitely on my radar, maybe a tiny bit less so than my husband, but not much. I came from a family with no money where we certainly didn't starve, but it was always tight. There were often fights over money. And so I came in with a scarcity mindset. We both mentioned within a few months that we had 401Ks which many of my mid-20 friends did not. I'd mentioned (intentionally) that I'd just paid off my car and the little student loan debt I had. When we moved in together a year later we combined our finances immediately and have never looked back.

I listen to a good retirement podcast called "The Retirement Answer Man". At this time of the year he does a whole "retirement plan live" session with a couple. This year he's chosen a couple who are my age (56), but they've been married for just a year. She's a corporate type with an adult son, but has never been married and is very independent with her money. He's an engineer, divorced with an adult child....who wants to combine funds. So, it's very interesting because I can hear *big* issues for them going forward. It's like they haven't really fully discussed this....as intelligent 56 year olds, which is kind of baffling. Next week we'll hear what their resources are....etc.

If you're an older/middle age person who is dating, I would think money comes up pretty soon in the convo though. If it didn't....that would be concerning to me.

 

[mjkacmom]

Treatment of staff & service personnel and how do they treat their parent. If they speak to any of them in a belittling kind of way, get out of there.

I need someone who can explain what they mean/think. Years ago, I went with a friend (not a potential suitor) to a play. During intermission I asked him what he thought of the first act. All he could say was "I didn't like it". Even with additional questions he couldn't explain why. And it annoyed me a lot so, maybe that is a personal red flag.

I truly believe if someone treats their parents poorly, it’s a huge red flag, based on the divorced people I know.

 

[TippyThomas]

I'd be the red flag more than likely. My upbringing and past, which truly affects many aspects of my life to this day would more than likely not be enjoyable for a potential partner. I'm past the desire to pursue it so I'll just be me and do my own thing. I've said it before and I truly believe that I would not make a good partner for many different reasons. Heck, that opinion alone would probably be a red flag to some.

 

[soccerdad72]

Back when dh and I were dating, we were too young to know whether or not we even *had* political beliefs.

But that was nearly 35 years ago, so…

Same here - I met my wife in college at 19, so I'm pretty sure neither of us were very political. And probably too young for any red flags too

 

[georgina]

This is a great point. I once was reading somewhere on a financial forum that someone would ask what their potential suitor's credit score was. That's a little extreme, but your point about money is a good one. My wife and I both come from family money (but we never relied on it) and now I'm wondering if people from drastically different financial backgrounds can hit it off initially. It is curious that no one mentioned it. I think many things like smoking or socialising can be worked through. Your red flags are legit though.

DH's family had money, mine didn't, but both sets of parents grew up during the depression, so they were all very thrifty and you wouldn't really know the in-laws had money. I had to pay my own way through college, he didn't. Fortunately they paid for all 3 of our kids' college though!

 

[snowwite]

My wife WAS a server so she was super attuned to that as well.

I have been a server, a maid and a nurse so it really put me off.
I went to ladies room, this was well before I had a phone, used the pay phone for a lift and exited the restaurant through the bar. I wonder how long he sat there. lol

 

[snowwite]

Same here - I met my wife in college at 19, so I'm pretty sure neither of us were very political. And probably too young for any red flags too

I was never political until it felt necessary.

 

[Miffy]

Here's a good question to ask: Are you married and, if so, are you in the process of getting divorced?

I'm married now but many years ago when I was dating again after a breakup, I discovered that several of the guys I ended up meeting were still married and had zero intention of ever getting divorced. It wasn't that they were cheating on their spouses, it was that they either didn't want to or couldn't--for financial reasons usually--get divorced.

Weirdly, this wasn't something they mentioned in their profiles.

If I were dating again (I hope this never happens!) I'd ask immediately about someone's religious and political stances. And also, I have to say, intimate (I don't know if the DIS will let me type in the word I want here) preferences.