Daily joke thread......

[2goofycampers]

 

[VACAMPER]

i second that

 

[AuburnJen92]

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

 

[VACAMPER]

 

[Born 2 Fish]

That's pretty darn funny, right there,,,, I don't care who you are.

 

[AuburnJen92]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Oooopps.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Still Funny !!

 

[des1954]

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Amen.

 

[auntie]

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

 

[des1954]

Eeeeyewwwwwww!!!!

 

[auntie]

Eeeeyewwwwwww!!!!

You see, only a "daddy" would have done that. Mommy would have known better!

 

[AuburnJen92]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:



'Want coffee.'




The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'


He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.



The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter



'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says



'Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.'

 

[AuburnJen92]

Purina Diet

Since I'm retired, I have to think of things to do.....

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow

for my loyal pet Sheriff the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout

line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and

have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a

dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably

shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that

I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both

arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it

works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled

with my story.


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the

dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff

an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.


I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he

was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.


Better watch what you ask retired people. We have all the time in

the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[DisneySoccerScouts]

 

[Born 2 Fish]

One day Snow White sent the dwarfs into the mine to give miners their lunch, and the mine caved in. Snow White shouted, "YOO HOO?" and immediatly a response came:
" Vote for Barack Obama! "
Then Snow White told herself,
"Thank Goodness Dopey is alive!"

 

[DisneySoccerScouts]

As the bus stopped and it was a woman's turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

 

[Shannone1]

As the bus stopped and it was a woman's turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

Good one !!

 

[homebrew2]

A Lady got on a bus one day with six kids in tow.

Three sets of identical twins.

The amazed bus driver asked; ""My Lord lady do you always get twins???"

The lady thought for a minute and then replied; "Heavens no....hundreds of times we didn't get anything at all."