Daily joke thread......

[homebrew2]

How to wash a toilet.




1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards

the bathroom.



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

You may need to stand on the lid.



4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises

that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides

a 'power-wash and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your

home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the

front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,

and run outside where he will dry himself off.



. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.





Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[AuburnJen92]

I wonder if my mother will get mad if I do that to her cat...I need revenge for this past weekend!

 

[AuburnJen92]

Dear Bank President,

In view of current developments in the banking
market, if one of my checks is returned marked
'insufficient funds', does that refer to me or to
you?

Sincerely,

A Long Time Customer

 

[BRDof3]

You see, only a "daddy" would have done that. Mommy would have known better!

That's why Daddy is always the little girl's favorite!!!

 

[homebrew2]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Columbia, Tennessee, recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin’ Duck river known for its great fishing.
The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to catch those fish?’
‘Naw, sir’, replied the redneck. ‘I ain’t got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.’
‘Pet fish?’
‘Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ‘em swim ’round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chest and I take ‘em home.’
‘That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that.’
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ‘It’s the truth Mr. Government Man. I’ll show ya. It really works.’
‘O. K.’, said the warden. ‘I’ve got to see this!’
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, ‘Well?’
‘Well, what?’, says the redneck.
The warden says, ‘When are you going to call them back?’
‘Call who back?’
‘The FISH’, replied the warden!
‘What fish?’, replied the redneck….




Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.

 

[auntie]

Charlie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife was really angry.





She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200
in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER
BE THERE!!"




The next morning Charlie got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and
sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle
of the driveway...
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the
driveway, and brought the box back in the house.


She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.


Charlie has been missing since Friday.
Let us know if you catch sight of him.

 

[VACAMPER]

i think i live with charlie!

 

[AuburnJen92]

If I lived/was married to/with Charlie, I would be a widow now.

 

[des1954]

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.


At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycleshave changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and said, 'Oh, so you were the one who invented the Harley-DavidsonMotorcycle?

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noiseand pollution and can't run without a road?'


Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'



God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.



3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!



'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

 

[VACAMPER]

 

[VACAMPER]

 

[2goofycampers]

 

[LuckyinGa]

 

[Us3]

LOL! Amanda, those are great!

 

[2goofycampers]

The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks.



They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.

 

[BRDof3]

 

[AuburnJen92]

WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting
to know where her Sunday edition was.
Ma'am, said the newspaper employee, today is Saturday . The Sunday paper
is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by
a ray of recognition.... as she was heard to mutter 'Well **** ... So that's probably why no one was at church today.

 

[vick]

 

[Just Beachy]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
Gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
Something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
Flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
Shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
Finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
What do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

[lisa8200]