Can I please get some advice from people who have lost a child?

[Disney1fan2002]

My sister is not doing good. Some of you know she lost her husband to cancer and less than 3 weeks later, my nephew, her first born son, died because the plane he flew up to scatter his dad's ashes crashed on take off, his brother is paralyzed from the waist down.

I live in VA, while the rest of my family(siblings) lives in MA. I talk to my grieving sister frequently on the phone or I text her to check in. She has said she doesn't like to talk about Scott, my nephew, so I keep the topic light, and basically ask her what I can do to help with my other nephew, and does he or even she, need anything.

We went on a cruise in November. Her and my niece joined us. My niece got her mom to try some different wines each night. My sister has never drank alcohol, not even a little. It was a fun cruise, and she was enjoying the "buzz" she got from the wine. I thought nothing of it.

Yesterday, I was talking on the phone with my younger sister. She told me she is concerned that our sister is turning into a "wino". She now has to drink every night. My younger sister did not tell me how much she drinks, but it is every night, and they went somewhere the other day, and my sister grabbed 2 bottles of wine to take home.

I know she is doing what she can to dull the pain, but I am worried she is going to make herself sick. I don't know what I can say to her. She is in a place I can only imagine. I don't know what I would do myself if I lost a child. Part of me says" She's a grown woman and if drinking helps her, even just a little, so be it." But the medical professional in me knows this can turn out to have a lethal consequence.

People think alcohol can help with the pain, but it doesn't. They end up drinking more and more to try to numb the pain, but eventually, that wears off.

What I can say to her that won't seem like I am trying to stop her from doing what she believes is helping her through these days?

 

[Southernmiss]

My sister is not doing good. Some of you know she lost her husband to cancer and less than 3 weeks later, my nephew, her first born son, died because the plane he flew up to scatter his dad's ashes crashed on take off, his brother is paralyzed from the waist down.

I live in VA, while the rest of my family(siblings) lives in MA. I talk to my grieving sister frequently on the phone or I text her to check in. She has said she doesn't like to talk about Scott, my nephew, so I keep the topic light, and basically ask her what I can do to help with my other nephew, and does he or even she, need anything.

We went on a cruise in November. Her and my niece joined us. My niece got her mom to try some different wines each night. My sister has never drank alcohol, not even a little. It was a fun cruise, and she was enjoying the "buzz" she got from the wine. I thought nothing of it.

Yesterday, I was talking on the phone with my younger sister. She told me she is concerned that our sister is turning into a "wino". She now has to drink every night. My younger sister did not tell me how much she drinks, but it is every night, and they went somewhere the other day, and my sister grabbed 2 bottles of wine to take home.

I know she is doing what she can to dull the pain, but I am worried she is going to make herself sick. I don't know what I can say to her. She is in a place I can only imagine. I don't know what I would do myself if I lost a child. Part of me says" She's a grown woman and if drinking helps her, even just a little, so be it." But the medical professional in me knows this can turn out to have a lethal consequence.

People think alcohol can help with the pain, but it doesn't. They end up drinking more and more to try to numb the pain, but eventually, that wears off.

What I can say to her that won't seem like I am trying to stop her from doing what she believes is helping her through these days?

I can not imagine the grief she must be facing.

Is she doing anything to work through the grief with a counselor or grief support group? Does she have a supportive network of close friends?

Does your younger sister live with her?

 

[fhtpdw20]

i have no experience with this type of loss but grief counseling can help. You might also talk to someone in al-non for some tips to approach this situation.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

I can not imagine the grief she must be facing.

Is she doing anything to work through the grief with a counselor or grief support group? No, about 2 months after it happened, she told me it was the first time in her life where she thought she might actually need counselling, I agreed, but she then decided against it. She said she can get herself through by realizing if Scotty had lived, he would be a vegetable.

Does she have a supportive network of close friends? She has many friends, but does not want their support. She has told me "I want people to just let me alone. I don't want people around me all the time." She will do anything for anybody, very generous, but has always been a bit anti-social.

Does your younger sister live with her? My younger sister lives about a mile from her.

 

[wgeo]

First - very sorry for such tragic things to happen to your sister.

Second - before it gets too far I would try to verify how much drinking is really going on. "having to have a drink everyday" could still mean 1 glass, or maybe 2 - and in my opinion, that would mean something quite different than drinking 1 or 2 bottles a night. So I would need that clarity before deciding how much to butt in. If I found out it was in the bottle territory and we're talking about a sibling here then yeah I would confront her in the most gentle way I could come up with, but I'd do it face to face if possible in any way.

My closest friend lost her eldest child when he was 14, but that was after a long health battle so pretty different circumstances. It has also been 6 years since he passed. My friend does like to talk about him, but she also has some very dark times and openly talks about her need for counseling and how important she thinks it has been for her.

 

[Simba's Mom]

When I read the title of this thread, I thought I could help, maybe, since I had a son who died. However, her grief goes WAY beyond that-her husband, then 3 weeks later, her son. What a tragedy! I was helped a lot by a group of grieving parents called "Compassionate Friends". Is your sister i the part of the family in Massachusetts? I know there are Compassionate Friends groups there-that's where I lived when my son died. The only thing that I remember-and many people agreed that it's "normal" to grieving is that my grief got worse before it got better. That's because, at first, the grief is so profound that your emotions are in a cocoon because you just can't handle it. After a period of time (about 3-6 months maybe), you feel worse as the layers of the cocoon peel away and you face your grief. Unfortunately, her drinking is messing up this process of eventual healing. Yes, she does need help-someone to talk to, a group or a counselor. If not for her, she has another child to consider, and she's got to think of her.

 

[low-key]

hey , I never dealt with such pain

 

[smokeyblue]

From the outside it seems like your sister is trying to insulate herself from grief and basically feeling feelings. Is there any way you can get her to direct some of this energy to something that may give her some joy? I was thinking maybe having another trip in the works to plan and talk about.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

When I read the title of this thread, I thought I could help, maybe, since I had a son who died. However, her grief goes WAY beyond that-her husband, then 3 weeks later, her son. What a tragedy! I was helped a lot by a group of grieving parents called "Compassionate Friends". Is your sister i the part of the family in Massachusetts? I know there are Compassionate Friends groups there-that's where I lived when my son died. The only thing that I remember-and many people agreed that it's "normal" to grieving is that my grief got worse before it got better. That's because, at first, the grief is so profound that your emotions are in a cocoon because you just can't handle it. After a period of time (about 3-6 months maybe), you feel worse as the layers of the cocoon peel away and you face your grief. Unfortunately, her drinking is messing up this process of eventual healing. Yes, she does need help-someone to talk to, a group or a counselor. If not for her, she has another child to consider, and she's got to think of her.

I second this. One of my friends who lost a son found great support with them. Another of my friends found the most support in becoming friends and doing things with others who had lost children and who could relate to their difficulties. My MIL lost an adult son and seemed to deal with it pretty well. Sadness, of course, but life went on. I know she never got over it, though. She seemed to grieve privately, but she had a large, close family for support.

I agree with a pp, she has so much grief! Much more than just the loss of a son - she lost a husband, then right afterward, a son, and another son paralyzed in the same accident! (I remember it well on the local news here.) Her pain must be unbearable!

I agree with your concerns about the drinking. She could do something to harm herself or others if she is steadily drinking too much, especially in winter when it's icy and snowy, or the power goes out, etc. I would probably be looking for a counselor who specializes in grief therapy and see if her daughter will encourage her to go, and even take her there, etc. Find someone she really likes or it won't be helpful. You can look at profiles and specialties online. Is she working? Who does she live with? It is encouraging that she found some joy on the cruise. I think @smokeyblue has a good idea in perhaps booking another, or a different type of vacation, something she can look forward to, perhaps? Maybe an anti-depressant might be in order if she isn't on one already?

 

[karensi]

When I read the title of this thread, I thought I could help, maybe, since I had a son who died. However, her grief goes WAY beyond that-her husband, then 3 weeks later, her son. What a tragedy! I was helped a lot by a group of grieving parents called "Compassionate Friends". Is your sister i the part of the family in Massachusetts? I know there are Compassionate Friends groups there-that's where I lived when my son died. The only thing that I remember-and many people agreed that it's "normal" to grieving is that my grief got worse before it got better. That's because, at first, the grief is so profound that your emotions are in a cocoon because you just can't handle it. After a period of time (about 3-6 months maybe), you feel worse as the layers of the cocoon peel away and you face your grief. Unfortunately, her drinking is messing up this process of eventual healing. Yes, she does need help-someone to talk to, a group or a counselor. If not for her, she has another child to consider, and she's got to think of her.

I also thought of Compassionate Friends. I have also lost an adult child and did go to the Compassionate Friends meetings which I felt were helpful. Some people had been attending the meetings for years and that is what worked for them. I attended for a few months and felt, for me, that was enough. To each his own. But as PPs have said, I would try to encourage her to attend. The people at those meetings are the only people who truly know what you're going through and how you feel.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I wouldn’t bring up the drinking unless I knew exactly how much she has been drinking. 1-2 drinks a night is not considered excessive drinking in the medical field. This is a question I had to ask all my patients when I was in family practice and it wasn’t until the answer was over 2 drinks a day did we have to “intervene.”

Counseling would be good but she might not be ready for it yet. For it to work, she has to be ready.

I would continue doing what you have been doing. Keep in touch as much as you can and keep offering to help where you can. If and when she shows signs of wanting to get counseling be there to encourage her in this path.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Thanks for the advice of Compassionate Friends. I am going to print some stuff from their website and give it to her next week when I am up there, and see her.

I don't know how much she is drinking, and it is wine, not any "hard" stuff. I'm sure it's fine, but the fact that she was a non-drinker to an every night drinker has me concerned. A patient I was seeing for hypoxia lost her son to a car accident a year ago. She came in in liver failure, her family said when her son died, she turned to the bottle and just drank. She died on comfort measures, she was 59 years old. This was about a month after my nephew's accident. It was a punch in the gut. I remember thinking, "Thank God my sister doesn't drink."

Well.....

 

[SueInBoston]

I have no advice, just want to say that I remember that awful tragedy and sending lots of good wishes.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Thanks for the advice of Compassionate Friends. I am going to print some stuff from their website and give it to her next week when I am up there, and see her.

I don't know how much she is drinking, and it is wine, not any "hard" stuff. I'm sure it's fine, but the fact that she was a non-drinker to an every night drinker has me concerned. A patient I was seeing for hypoxia lost her son to a car accident a year ago. She came in in liver failure, her family said when her son died, she turned to the bottle and just drank. She died on comfort measures, she was 59 years old. This was about a month after my nephew's accident. It was a punch in the gut. I remember thinking, "Thank God my sister doesn't drink."

Well.....

I think when you put it in context, it is a concern.

 

[monsterkitty]

We lost my nephew in a plane crash in April when the wing fell off his plane. He was two weeks from graduating with his commercial pilot's license.

His father, my BIL, was already training for an Ironman. He threw himself into his training even more as in he was training for hours more a week than he should have been. Race day was an emotional roller coaster. At the finish line, we were all a huge mess, including several Ironman race officials who knew the story.

DH and I were afraid of what would happen after the training was done and how BIL and SIL would handle their grief. Both began counseling soon after the funeral but they still threw themselves into work, training, and for my SIL, hobbies. They were becoming obsessive with training and hobbies and not facing the grief. Another one of our mutual friends lost her son a month after my nephew's death. She told me about Compassionate Friends. Now both BIL and SIL are doing much better with life balance, as in not training or quilting for hours a day, and I truly feel that it is a combination of the counseling and Compassionate Friends.

It's been an incredibly difficult time for everyone. Standing by and watching the grief of a sibling is horrible. We will all get through this. I promise.

 

[Micca]

I know you want to help your sister, but this seems like a job for a professional--most likely a team of professionals. They can help her and tell you how you can help her. Good luck with this, it must be unbearable for the whole family.

 

[abdmom]

How much support does your sister really have? A grief group that meets once a week doesn't replace a husband. Counseling doesn't take some of the load off of taking care of a paraplegic son.

Does she live close enough to her siblings that they have contact multiple times a week? Is she able to lean on someone?

When my dh died, leaving me with 3 little kids, it was a hell that I cannot express in words. It was some consolation that I had children who eventually I would be able to lean on, if not for a number of years. Your sister has lost that as well.

I didn't live near any of my siblings and right after the funeral several of them recommended that I move closer to them. In retrospect, that would have been a really good idea. The isolation I felt .... with no one to talk to .... about anything meaningful at all was like being in a sensory deprivation tank. Phone or text conversations don't allow for the same intimacy as regular in person contact. Talking about the weather in the checkout line is not the same as talking about something meaningful.

The only thing that stopped me from starting to drink was having had an alcoholic parent. Instead I turned to food. I gained (and mostly lost) a lot of weight. Maybe alcohol would have been a better idea? I don't know.

Your sister needs something or someone that will help her get through this. She needs it on a daily basis.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I know you want to help your sister, but this seems like a job for a professional--most likely a team of professionals. They can help her and tell you how you can help her. Good luck with this, it must be unbearable for the whole family.

I agree with Ron on this, very much so.

 

[mousefan73]

My sister is not doing good. Some of you know she lost her husband to cancer and less than 3 weeks later, my nephew, her first born son, died because the plane he flew up to scatter his dad's ashes crashed on take off, his brother is paralyzed from the waist down.

I live in VA, while the rest of my family(siblings) lives in MA. I talk to my grieving sister frequently on the phone or I text her to check in. She has said she doesn't like to talk about Scott, my nephew, so I keep the topic light, and basically ask her what I can do to help with my other nephew, and does he or even she, need anything.

We went on a cruise in November. Her and my niece joined us. My niece got her mom to try some different wines each night. My sister has never drank alcohol, not even a little. It was a fun cruise, and she was enjoying the "buzz" she got from the wine. I thought nothing of it.

Yesterday, I was talking on the phone with my younger sister. She told me she is concerned that our sister is turning into a "wino". She now has to drink every night. My younger sister did not tell me how much she drinks, but it is every night, and they went somewhere the other day, and my sister grabbed 2 bottles of wine to take home.

I know she is doing what she can to dull the pain, but I am worried she is going to make herself sick. I don't know what I can say to her. She is in a place I can only imagine. I don't know what I would do myself if I lost a child. Part of me says" She's a grown woman and if drinking helps her, even just a little, so be it." But the medical professional in me knows this can turn out to have a lethal consequence.

People think alcohol can help with the pain, but it doesn't. They end up drinking more and more to try to numb the pain, but eventually, that wears off.

What I can say to her that won't seem like I am trying to stop her from doing what she believes is helping her through these days?

Just wanted to give a hug. I do not know details on your life, responsibilities nor your sisters. My gut feeling is you get on a plane now and just be with her. See what is going on, give support and talk. Pretty sure you’ve been there already but maybe it’s time for a check-up and speak openly on a game plan for her dealing with this.

 

[mommasita]

I wanted to reply so often, attempted to, and hit delete.

We lost our 18 year old daughter to suicide 15 months ago. My husband turned to drinking more, not nightly or daily, but most definitely more. I was terrified, coming from an alcoholic father, and just the whole situation. I let him go a couple of months and then sort of lowered the boom if you will. I just said that it scared me, it was a temp reality escape, and not good for my son to see either. He has since gotten MUCH better. But has nights where He takes that cognac and thinks and escapes to a room quietly.

I know there are no two losses that are the same, nobody grieves the same way, but with my counseling I have learned that we must have a grieving process. It may (more than likely ) be forever, but it has to start. We can’t escape it.
My husband sounds like your sister, doesn’t want to talk about Briana, amd it’s all I want to do. I am fortunate to have exceptional friends. I didn’t lose a spouse, but if you read my post in the compassion thread, I have had MAJOR ones both prior and after, the hits keep coming.

I’m glad to see you care so much, and yes Compassionate friends is a truly great resource.

People often underestimate this pain, it is all encompassing, getting washed, eating, out of bed, these are major events. And she has so much more responsibility.

I had my best friend basically live here for 5-6 months I believe and the credit is on her that I’m around today. I never could have or would have made it. We need people, I always and continue to push and say no, but the loneliness and new life is scary. It is a new life, from the day after those events. I hope she can get some help, you sound very loving.

I’m not saying because I feel the way I do, she must. I’m just giving my perspective.

I’m only a PM AWAY if you want