Breaks My Heart

[Parkerpirates]

Haha oops.... stupid autocorrect, 2-3 days in the stateroom not the storeroom. Don't want to lock her up in a closet on the ship.

ROFL...autocorrect can really be entertaining!

 

[shelly3girls]

Coming into this thread late, I have to say that I really like your decision. Having lived through similar circumstances I believe your time together will be the best thing for your 11 year old. I found 11-12 a difficult age for adjustment and finding where they fit in along with wanting independence but not quite ready for the responsibility.

We were strict and the lying did stop. We had to go against our gut though at times and promise immunity for telling the truth on the first try. It really helped.

 

[jrabbit]

...
Aaarrrggghhh! If I didn't care about her, this would be too easy. Just forget it and move on.

Being a Good and Responsible Parent is the Hardest Job In The World!!!

Moments of Absolute Joy and others so disappointing and frustrating. Good luck with your decision.

 

[OMD13]

Today, DH and I have decided we are going to teach the lessons of forgiveness, compassion, second (or third) chances, and how lying hurts the people you love. She will go on the trip with us, but excursion is cancelled, and she will not be going on the school ski trip. We will use the time at Disney to reconnect and bond as a family, after all the craziness we've gone through in the last year trying to adjust to a new baby.

I asked her why she did it, and she said she didn't want to get in trouble for doing the first offence, and so she tried to cover it up and blame someone else for it. Again, I told her, her lying to us was worse than what she was trying to cover up.

I told DH, it's like with him and me as husband and wife for example. We know not to lie to each other no matter how small the lie is, because we both know it's not going to be about the lie, but that we lie. We know lying will hurt the other person so we don't do it. Same with DD, but the difference is that we are adults and know we will hurt the other if we do it, and DD on the other hand, is still a child. Did she know she was gonna hurt us the way she did by lying? Probably not. So we told her. So she knew. We told her exactly how it hurt us. She asked what she can do for us to trust her again. I said unfortunately, it's not like a physical injury that you just put bandaid on and it's gone in a few days. She's going to have to work at it and I told her she's a smart and a good girl and will figure it out. I reminded her never to be afraid to come clean with us, and that when she is faced with a dilemma like this again, to remember that she got into deeper doodoo (didn't actually say doodoo) by lying. I reminded her that we loved her, and that even though we are still upset and angry, we choose to forgive her.

And before someone says that I want a pat on the back, I want to say thank you for all the advice (though unsolicited) that people gave. I did not ask for any but I always try to keep an open mind, and I know that at the end of the day, I will have to do what I think is right, and what I think will work for our situation.

I'm stopping at 2 kids.

You all have a great week ahead!

I hope you have a wonderful time.

 

[surferrat]

You sound like a great parent! Working in Children's Mental Health, this issue pops up all the time with privileges. MHO...she has been taken off her ski trip which is a punishment there. don't double punish her and explain to her why you are allowing her to go on the trip. Let her enjoy the trip and you can even put restraints on things she might want to do on the trip. Family trips should not be chaotic or cause extra arguments. Remember, you want to enjoy your trip also.

 

[NotUrsula]

Just a comment about kids and lying:

We were having a lot of trouble with DS lying at that age, and I asked a psychologist what she thought (he wasn't her patient, this was a social conversation). She gave me the GREATEST piece of advice about kids and lying, and it directly contradicts what most parents instinctively will do in these situations.

What she told me was: *NEVER* ask a leading question about lying in an effort to give the kid a chance to come clean. To an immature brain, you are ASKING them to keep lying, and they will almost always take the bait and dig themselves in deeper. Parents never mean this tactic as setting up a kid to fail, but it almost always has that effect.

If you know that the child is lying, then say that up front. State outright that you have proof. If the point that you are making is about being forthright and honest, then baiting them by pretending that you don't already know the truth isn't exactly practicing what you preach.

Most kids don't truly understand the concept of honesty as a morality issue; that understanding comes with maturity. They tend to see lying mostly as a simple self-defense tool in situations where they do not have any power. Very often if you ask around, you'll find that otherwise good kids may lie to their parents and teachers, but not to their peers or to other adults ... the point being that they only lie to people who have the power to punish them.

 

[TDC Nala]

I am sure you can find some other way to punish her that won't cost YOU money.

Meaning, there must be punishments you can give to her that don't involve punishing yourself. It does look as though you have found something.

 

[natmom]

Just a comment about kids and lying:

We were having a lot of trouble with DS lying at that age, and I asked a psychologist what she thought (he wasn't her patient, this was a social conversation). She gave me the GREATEST piece of advice about kids and lying, and it directly contradicts what most parents instinctively will do in these situations.

What she told me was: *NEVER* ask a leading question about lying in an effort to give the kid a chance to come clean. To an immature brain, you are ASKING them to keep lying, and they will almost always take the bait and dig themselves in deeper. Parents never mean this tactic as setting up a kid to fail, but it almost always has that effect.

If you know that the child is lying, then say that up front. State outright that you have proof. If the point that you are making is about being forthright and honest, then baiting them by pretending that you don't already know the truth isn't exactly practicing what you preach.

Most kids don't truly understand the concept of honesty as a morality issue; that understanding comes with maturity. They tend to see lying mostly as a simple self-defense tool in situations where they do not have any power. Very often if you ask around, you'll find that otherwise good kids may lie to their parents and teachers, but not to their peers or to other adults ... the point being that they only lie to people who have the power to punish them.

Thanks for sharing that advice !