Are “good manners” a thing of the past?

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I am an old lady and can honestly say that I have rarely felt that I have been disrespected by a young person. I believe that if we older folks do not look askance at the young person who may have purple hair, face piercings, tattoos, etc., then we will not be treated any differently because we are old. I may not prefer their choice of how they appear, but if it is not hurting me, then let it be.

Old people that give respect, for the most part get respect and truth be told gave it when they were young too. Old people complaining about lack of respect, don't give it themselves and truth be told didn't give it when they were young either.

 

[Tink-osophy]

Old people that give respect, for the most part get respect ... Old people complaining about lack of respect, don't give it themselves ...

The only thing each of us can do is be open-minded, kind, friendly and considerate ourselves.



(And I think this thread has shown that all these generalizations (in various posts) based on very sweeping and superficial labels don't help with that.)

 

[VandVsmama]

I think it's also important to keep in mind that one's definition of "good manners" is different from one culture to another and sometimes even from 1 family to another.

For example, in many countries, cultures, households, etc., it's considered NOT good manners to wear your shoes into the house. Yet many Americans do exactly that...and would be labelled as being rude from that point of view.

It all depends on your vantage point. And there's no single "right" answer.

 

[TLSnell1981]

I think it's also important to keep in mind that one's definition of "good manners" is different from one culture to another and sometimes even from 1 family to another.

For example, in many countries, cultures, households, etc., it's considered NOT good manners to wear your shoes into the house. Yet many Americans do exactly that...and would be labelled as being rude from that point of view.

It all depends on your vantage point. And there's no single "right" answer.

Although kindness, respect and tolerance can and should apply across the board. JMO

 

[VandVsmama]

Although kindness, respect and tolerance can and should apply across the board. JMO

What is considered as "respect" can differ a lot from 1 place to another. And from 1 generation to another.

Real life example:
My parents didn't say a word for 7 years that it bothered them that my DH wouldn't shave every day. They didn't say ONE thing about it and then 1 day, they decided that they'd had enough and told us how offensive and disrespectful it was to them that my DH would dare to not shave every day when in their presence.

Keep in mind that I don't have any brothers and not once ever growing up was this communicated as a general societal rule for them. They expected that I would somehow just "know" since my dad shaved every day. Um....ok?

I told them that it was offensive and disrespectful to US that they were so angry about that for 7 YEARS and not once ever brought it to our attention. From there on out, my DH respected their self-imposed rule whenever we were around them. During those 7 years, apparently they'd complained frequently to their friends and other relatives of ours about this, but never respected me or my DH enough to actually tell US, the people directly involved, that something DH was/was not doing was disrespectful to them.

Nor did they have any tolerance for doing things any other way. You were/are expected to somehow learn through osmosis what the expectations are for 'proper behavior' and you will be talked about behind your back when you don't do what you're expected to do, but nobody will actually ever kindly TALK to you 1-on-1 to TELL you what you're doing wrong and why it's hurtful/disrespectful/offensive to them.

And that, in my opinion, is really really dumb.

The attitude of "it's my way or the highway" is dumb and will push people away. So is an attitude of "Well, I've reached a certain milestone age so I'm entitled to be this way." No, you're not. (and by "you", I mean the proverbial 'you,' not you the replier to this post)

 

[jrmasm]

What is considered as "respect" can differ a lot from 1 place to another. And from 1 generation to another.

Real life example:
My parents didn't say a word for 7 years that it bothered them that my DH wouldn't shave every day. They didn't say ONE thing about it and then 1 day, they decided that they'd had enough and told us how offensive and disrespectful it was to them that my DH would dare to not shave every day when in their presence.

Keep in mind that I don't have any brothers and not once ever growing up was this communicated as a general societal rule for them. They expected that I would somehow just "know" since my dad shaved every day. Um....ok?

I told them that it was offensive and disrespectful to US that they were so angry about that for 7 YEARS and not once ever brought it to our attention. From there on out, my DH respected their self-imposed rule whenever we were around them. During those 7 years, apparently they'd complained frequently to their friends and other relatives of ours about this, but never respected me or my DH enough to actually tell US, the people directly involved, that something DH was/was not doing was disrespectful to them.

Nor did they have any tolerance for doing things any other way. You were/are expected to somehow learn through osmosis what the expectations are for 'proper behavior' and you will be talked about behind your back when you don't do what you're expected to do, but nobody will actually ever kindly TALK to you 1-on-1 to TELL you what you're doing wrong and why it's hurtful/disrespectful/offensive to them.

And that, in my opinion, is really really dumb.

The attitude of "it's my way or the highway" is dumb and will push people away. So is an attitude of "Well, I've reached a certain milestone age so I'm entitled to be this way." No, you're not. (and by "you", I mean the proverbial 'you,' not you the replier to this post)

Lord have mercy! And young people are rude.

BTW in that situation my husband would have had my blessing to continue to “disrespect“ them.

 

[Christine]

What is considered as "respect" can differ a lot from 1 place to another. And from 1 generation to another.

Real life example:
My parents didn't say a word for 7 years that it bothered them that my DH wouldn't shave every day. They didn't say ONE thing about it and then 1 day, they decided that they'd had enough and told us how offensive and disrespectful it was to them that my DH would dare to not shave every day when in their presence.

Keep in mind that I don't have any brothers and not once ever growing up was this communicated as a general societal rule for them. They expected that I would somehow just "know" since my dad shaved every day. Um....ok?

I told them that it was offensive and disrespectful to US that they were so angry about that for 7 YEARS and not once ever brought it to our attention. From there on out, my DH respected their self-imposed rule whenever we were around them. During those 7 years, apparently they'd complained frequently to their friends and other relatives of ours about this, but never respected me or my DH enough to actually tell US, the people directly involved, that something DH was/was not doing was disrespectful to them.

Nor did they have any tolerance for doing things any other way. You were/are expected to somehow learn through osmosis what the expectations are for 'proper behavior' and you will be talked about behind your back when you don't do what you're expected to do, but nobody will actually ever kindly TALK to you 1-on-1 to TELL you what you're doing wrong and why it's hurtful/disrespectful/offensive to them.

And that, in my opinion, is really really dumb.

The attitude of "it's my way or the highway" is dumb and will push people away. So is an attitude of "Well, I've reached a certain milestone age so I'm entitled to be this way." No, you're not. (and by "you", I mean the proverbial 'you,' not you the replier to this post)

Based on some of the stories you've relayed about your parents, they seem interesting for sure!

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

What is considered as "respect" can differ a lot from 1 place to another. And from 1 generation to another.

Real life example:
My parents didn't say a word for 7 years that it bothered them that my DH wouldn't shave every day. They didn't say ONE thing about it and then 1 day, they decided that they'd had enough and told us how offensive and disrespectful it was to them that my DH would dare to not shave every day when in their presence.

Keep in mind that I don't have any brothers and not once ever growing up was this communicated as a general societal rule for them. They expected that I would somehow just "know" since my dad shaved every day. Um....ok?

I told them that it was offensive and disrespectful to US that they were so angry about that for 7 YEARS and not once ever brought it to our attention. From there on out, my DH respected their self-imposed rule whenever we were around them. During those 7 years, apparently they'd complained frequently to their friends and other relatives of ours about this, but never respected me or my DH enough to actually tell US, the people directly involved, that something DH was/was not doing was disrespectful to them.

Nor did they have any tolerance for doing things any other way. You were/are expected to somehow learn through osmosis what the expectations are for 'proper behavior' and you will be talked about behind your back when you don't do what you're expected to do, but nobody will actually ever kindly TALK to you 1-on-1 to TELL you what you're doing wrong and why it's hurtful/disrespectful/offensive to them.

And that, in my opinion, is really really dumb.

The attitude of "it's my way or the highway" is dumb and will push people away. So is an attitude of "Well, I've reached a certain milestone age so I'm entitled to be this way." No, you're not. (and by "you", I mean the proverbial 'you,' not you the replier to this post)

I know people get upset when they get a laugh emoji. But I'm laughing that anyone would be upset that someone didn't shave every day, not at you and yet not even bother to tell you for 7 years. It's like that Karen in San Francisco that called the cops for chalk drawings on the street. It's just so bizarre you wonder why anyone could be at that point.

 

[RangerPooh]

Manners vary, but it's respect and treatment of others that I see declining.

An example from staffing my university's commencement this week.

• An older faculty member in one college assumed that my husband who was wearing a black suit and white shirt was a butler and demanded he be brought a soda. My husband being polite brought him one. Later he was swinging through checking to make sure that faculty had regalia and once again was beckoned to be fetched a soda. Fast forward to ceremony time and my husband enters the room wearing his PhD regalia alongside both the university system president and chancellor. They they stop and make small talk with the group that the older faculty member was in. The blood in his face drains as he's been treating an assistant vice chancellor as he does wait staff.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My husband being polite brought him one.

I've heard of people having this happen, I feel like at that point it's not about politeness so much as just a gentle clarifier that no you don't work there, no you aren't staff, etc.

Demanding someone bring you something is rude but I can't fault someone for inadvertently thinking someone is a staff member after they can no indication that they weren't. Your husband bringing the drink signaled to the other person that he was staff so not surprising at all he was asked again for refill.

This is one of these cases I feel being gently direct is the appropriate action rather than letting someone in error assume something

 

[xipotec]

We have been a society of rewarding the worst people for a long time.

Its no mistake many people adopted that behavior. When our leaders and celebrities face no consequences for blatant illegal activity….the common person learns from this , and its now acceptable to break any rule, as long as you do not get caught red handed.

Our company used to give cash and gifts to anyone that complained. Even though 90% of those complaints were totally invalid and irrelevant.

Crime pays, being loud and rude gets you what you want…..

The polite and well mannered get left behind.

 

[BrianL]

Manners vary, but it's respect and treatment of others that I see declining.

An example from staffing my university's commencement this week.

• An older faculty member in one college assumed that my husband who was wearing a black suit and white shirt was a butler and demanded he be brought a soda. My husband being polite brought him one. Later he was swinging through checking to make sure that faculty had regalia and once again was beckoned to be fetched a soda. Fast forward to ceremony time and my husband enters the room wearing his PhD regalia alongside both the university system president and chancellor. They they stop and make small talk with the group that the older faculty member was in. The blood in his face drains as he's been treating an assistant vice chancellor as he does wait staff.

Ha, your husband handled that pretty well!

 

[jiminyC_fan]

I have to say that I am pretty worked up over this thread. I am 68, considered a boomer but why the heck is a label to my age necessary? Why does any age have to have a label whether it's boomer, genZ, millennial or whatever? A particular poster on here seems to think that those of us in our upper years are all horrible, rude, people lacking in manners and filters. How fair is that? He/she sure paints her generation as the best of the best. Well, maybe I think mine is or perhaps someone else might think their generation is. Ridiculous. Rudeness and lack of manners come in all ages. This boomer prides herself with manners.

Just today I was coming out of a 7-11 juggling two drinks while opening the door. One girl about the age of 30 decided to take advantage while I had the door open and squeezed in and a man maybe late 30's or early 40's then did it, too. I held that door with my body because my hands were full for two people that didn't even bother to acknowledge me. It was just convenient for them.

 

[mom2rtk]

I have to say that I am pretty worked up over this thread. I am 68, considered a boomer but why the heck is a label to my age necessary? Why does any age have to have a label whether it's boomer, genZ, millennial or whatever? A particular poster on here seems to think that those of us in our upper years are all horrible, rude, people lacking in manners and filters. How fair is that? He/she sure paints her generation as the best of the best. Well, maybe I think mine is or perhaps someone else might think their generation is. Ridiculous. Rudeness and lack of manners come in all ages. This boomer prides herself with manners.

Just today I was coming out of a 7-11 juggling two drinks while opening the door. One girl about the age of 30 decided to take advantage while I had the door open and squeezed in and a man maybe late 30's or early 40's then did it, too. I held that door with my body because my hands were full for two people that didn't even bother to acknowledge me. It was just convenient for them.

It really is something.

 

[jrmasm]

I have to say that I am pretty worked up over this thread. I am 68, considered a boomer but why the heck is a label to my age necessary? Why does any age have to have a label whether it's boomer, genZ, millennial or whatever? A particular poster on here seems to think that those of us in our upper years are all horrible, rude, people lacking in manners and filters. How fair is that? He/she sure paints her generation as the best of the best. Well, maybe I think mine is or perhaps someone else might think their generation is. Ridiculous. Rudeness and lack of manners come in all ages. This boomer prides herself with manners.

Just today I was coming out of a 7-11 juggling two drinks while opening the door. One girl about the age of 30 decided to take advantage while I had the door open and squeezed in and a man maybe late 30's or early 40's then did it, too. I held that door with my body because my hands were full for two people that didn't even bother to acknowledge me. It was just convenient for them.

Post #2 labeled kids immoral in case you missed it. Are you equally outraged about that ?

 

[Skywalker]

I don't think it has anything to do with age, or which generation you're a part of. Manners, consideration, politeness in society in general, on the whole, has declined. People are more about me me me that the greater good. People are ruder and jerkier and more selfish. It's just the tenor of the times.

 

[RangerPooh]

I've heard of people having this happen, I feel like at that point it's not about politeness so much as just a gentle clarifier that no you don't work there, no you aren't staff, etc.

Possibly, but there tends to be a lot of our med school professors who treat everyone below them like this regardless. So a gentle reminder would have not meant anything to them. Besides, he disregarded the university name tag that my husband was wearing that said Dr… (as in the PhD kind).

Ha, your husband handled that pretty well!

Agreed! He’s use to some of the med school faculty being like this, so he just rolled his eyes and shrugged it off. Especially knowing that he would have the last laugh once the professor notices that he’s the guy on stage at the podium in full regalia beginning commencement.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Possibly, but there tends to be a lot of our med school professors who treat everyone below them like this regardless. So a gentle reminder would have not meant anything to them. Besides, he disregarded the university name tag that my husband was wearing that said Dr… (as in the PhD kind).

I get but name tags get missed all the time (working retail will show ya that lol).

I'm just saying as polite as I am, as much as I'll strike up conversations with strangers or watch their bags for them for a hot second I don't just get them a drink when they demand it, I'd let them know I'm not staff in a nice way. I'm not being polite in getting them a drink, I'm confusing them by not gently correctly them and couldn't blame them for their subsequent repeated faux pas.

Yeah the person was a presumptuous jerk not saying they weren't, but I understand their second error I guess. YMMV

 

[Pea-n-Me]

DS relayed a story recently about a job he had to do at work where he had assistance from the housekeeper. We talked about it, and he said that this is something that occurs semi-regularly, apparently. He had good things to say about this person, and spoke about him with a pleasant tone. I asked him what this person’s name was. He didn’t know. So I reminded him of the story about the professor who gave his class the quiz which included his asking what the janitor’s name was who cleaned their classroom. Hopefully the next time I hear a story about this person, there will be a name attached to it. We shall see.

The Janitor’s Name

Once upon a time a rare kind of teacher gave his class a pop quiz. Amongst the many questions there was one – the very last one – nobody was expecting: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans your classroom?”

Many of the bright students thought this was some kind of joke. Many had seen the cleaning lady and even bumped into her several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s. When the time was up, all students handed their quiz with all but the last question answered. Nobody knew her name. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward the quiz grade.

“Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say “hello”.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I have to say that I am pretty worked up over this thread. I am 68, considered a boomer but why the heck is a label to my age necessary? Why does any age have to have a label whether it's boomer, genZ, millennial or whatever? A particular poster on here seems to think that those of us in our upper years are all horrible, rude, people lacking in manners and filters. How fair is that? He/she sure paints her generation as the best of the best. Well, maybe I think mine is or perhaps someone else might think their generation is. Ridiculous. Rudeness and lack of manners come in all ages. This boomer prides herself with manners.

Just today I was coming out of a 7-11 juggling two drinks while opening the door. One girl about the age of 30 decided to take advantage while I had the door open and squeezed in and a man maybe late 30's or early 40's then did it, too. I held that door with my body because my hands were full for two people that didn't even bother to acknowledge me. It was just convenient for them.

If you are referring to me yes I’m a female. )
And I already responded that I was tongue in-cheek knee jerk reaction posting due to my irritation with several posters who are so insulting to the younger generation.

Also provided a link to an old spin offf thread where I complained about the younger generation bashing done here by several older posters.

As for the classification of generations it is something done by sociologists and I find it fascinating.

What irritates me to no end are older people saying young people are lazy, have no morals, etc. it’s frustrating. I moderate a vintage FB group and we get a lot of that nonsense like “we walked a hundred miles to school and kids nowadays blah blah blah”.

The poster who repeatedly has to tell the Dis that young people have no morals has been banned from me so I don’t have to read that garbage anymore.

And yes Gen X rules. No one has issues with the X.