Anyone ever regret their divorce?

[Colleen27]

I created this fake profile a while ago and this is only the second time I've ever used it, but my life is a whirlwind of stress right now and I don't have anyone to turn to.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10. We have two kids, who are in elementary school. We've been in a pleasant but sexless marriage for a while now. I have given 100% of my effort towards being the perfect wife but he works all the time and uses his free time to play video games and watch movies. The kids and I live our lives pretty much undisturbed. I don't work outside the home, but just manage the home, volunteer at the school, teach Sunday school, lead my kids' Scout troops, etc. It's a pretty comfortable life, especially since we have no job woes and have been steadily paying down our debt. I thought I could stay married for the sake of my kids, I really did; letting my kids be my life, not working, giving up on physical affection.

But my husband's been losing his temper with the kids lately and I forced him to go to counseling with me. At counseling, he was full of complaints about me and our marriage, despite me doing basically everything he asked and turning into a Donna Reed clone. And what's the point of staying married if both of you hate it?

It seems that anyone I try to talk about this with has a vested interest in me going one way or the other. My mother told me that I should be grateful my marriage is as good as it is, live in my big house, and keep my mouth shut. She also told me that if complain too much, I'll end up divorced "before I have time to think it through." The one friend I've talk to about it is divorced and she's painted a sunshine and rainbows picture about leaving your husband. She tells me that I'm not living an "authentic life" if I'm living without love.

So what I want to know is, is there anyone who has considered divorce or gone through with divorce and then regretted it? My fear is that the notion of divorce is tainting my thoughts of my husband negatively. We have committed to 6-12 months of counseling but I am not too optimistic. My husband just told me "I'm smarter than that counselor. He can't tell me anything I don't already know.", which doesn't bode well for learning new communication skills.

I have a few thoughts here. First of all, I haven't been divorced so I can't answer your question directly. I have, however, found myself in a similar position with my own marriage in the past and worked through it so I can share a couple of things I discovered along the way.

First, you talk about "doing everything he asked and becoming a Donna Reed clone". That sends up a screaming red flag to me. I did the same thing - there was a time in life when I was so focused on being the "perfect" SAHM and housewife that I neglected myself... but my husband didn't fall in love with Donna Reed. He fell in love with me, the person, not the role I fill. By letting my interests get back-burnered for years on end, reining in a lot of my quirks for the sake of harmony, and becoming basically "just" a wife and mom I buried most of what my husband found appealing about me. And I did it because I thought it was what he wanted. I think he even thought it was what he wanted in some ways. But it didn't make either of us happy.

Second, keep in mind that when one thing in a relationship is "off" it taints everything else. Living in a sexless marriage, for example, tends to make both partners more short tempered and nit-picky than they would otherwise be. So try to keep both your own complaints about your husband and any that he might air about you in perspective - are you/is he really talking about something important, or are you/is he overreacting to something that shouldn't be a big-picture issue because of the underlying problems?

Third, be very careful with who you talk to about your relationship. It is easy to get a feeling that the grass is greener from divorced or happily single friends, and it is just as easy to get scared out of making any changes you do need to make by friends who think divorce is a mistake. Try to work through things in your own mind first, or with your counselor. Keep a journal. Make a list. Find a friend or pastor who will just listen without offering opinions. Whatever helps you compose your thoughts without running to someone who you know is going to insert their own two cents into the matter.

Finally, remember that "letting the kids be your life" and "giving up" aren't a solution; they're the path of least resistance. You have to make yourself and your marriage a priority if you want it to thrive. That means you finding room for your own interests and hobbies, and both you and your husband finding ways to reconnect together away from the kids, house, tv, and video games. The fact that he's agreeable to counseling is a good start - he'd probably be just as agreeable to "dating" again to reconnect away from all the ho-hum stuff of everyday life.

 

[rockawaybeachgirl]

You both owe it to your children to try to make your marriage work. Divorce is emotionally and financially devastating for families, and women and children are almost always the ones that suffer.

Definitely not always true. I owed it to my child to leave. It would have been emotionally devastating for her if I stayed. And we were far from financially devastated - but that was my experience, I was not a SAHM.

To answer the OPs question, I have never regretted my divorce. I was relieved and happy to be on my own with my daughter. I told my mom, I'm happy being on my own with my girl for the rest of my life. Lo and behold, I meet my now husband. 180 degree change. Never would consider divorce.

Divorce is a difficult decision, but that doesn't mean it's not the right decision. My ah-ha moment was when I realized I was happier - and more myself- when he wasn't in the house than when he was. Ask yourself that question.

 

[luv2sleep]

I created this fake profile a while ago and this is only the second time I've ever used it, but my life is a whirlwind of stress right now and I don't have anyone to turn to.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10. We have two kids, who are in elementary school. We've been in a pleasant but sexless marriage for a while now. I have given 100% of my effort towards being the perfect wife but he works all the time and uses his free time to play video games and watch movies. The kids and I live our lives pretty much undisturbed. I don't work outside the home, but just manage the home, volunteer at the school, teach Sunday school, lead my kids' Scout troops, etc. It's a pretty comfortable life, especially since we have no job woes and have been steadily paying down our debt. I thought I could stay married for the sake of my kids, I really did; letting my kids be my life, not working, giving up on physical affection.

But my husband's been losing his temper with the kids lately and I forced him to go to counseling with me. At counseling, he was full of complaints about me and our marriage, despite me doing basically everything he asked and turning into a Donna Reed clone. And what's the point of staying married if both of you hate it?

It seems that anyone I try to talk about this with has a vested interest in me going one way or the other. My mother told me that I should be grateful my marriage is as good as it is, live in my big house, and keep my mouth shut. She also told me that if complain too much, I'll end up divorced "before I have time to think it through." The one friend I've talk to about it is divorced and she's painted a sunshine and rainbows picture about leaving your husband. She tells me that I'm not living an "authentic life" if I'm living without love.

So what I want to know is, is there anyone who has considered divorce or gone through with divorce and then regretted it? My fear is that the notion of divorce is tainting my thoughts of my husband negatively. We have committed to 6-12 months of counseling but I am not too optimistic. My husband just told me "I'm smarter than that counselor. He can't tell me anything I don't already know.", which doesn't bode well for learning new communication skills.

I'm divorced and only had moments if regret for he first couple of years. Now I'm darn happy to be away from him and not that interested in going back into marriage. That's only because I see it as controlling with no true friendship, love, respect,or partnership. However, there seem to be people in good marriage where both people treat each other with respect and truly love and value each other. I don't know even a handful of marriages like that but they are out there. If I could develop that kind of relationship I'm sure I'd be happy. Respect in a relationship is the most important thing to me.

I don't believe in being miserable in a relationship. It's either mostly good most of the time where we value and respect each other or I'd rather be alone. Alone in truly happy. I don't feel like crap from someone treating me like crap every day. It was miserable to live like that. Your relationship sounds like something I couldn't put up with. I have a friend in a similar marriage and in her family you just don't leave your husband. She's put up with a lot of mistreatment. Nothing physical thank goodness. He did the same thing in counseling. Just got in there and complained about her every week. He basically said he had done no wrong. After a few months the counselor spoke with her privately and basically said he wasn't going to be able to be different if he had no insight. Instead of going there every week to be verbally badgered she gave up. She lives in an unhappy marriage with a selfish man who really doesn't care about her feelings at all. When he's home he also just watches TV or movies. Always without her. I could not love like that. Why live everyday with someone who makes you feel band about yourself every day?

So will you regret it? Sure. You would regret it not working out, him not being a better husband, you not being a better wife, your kids growing up in divorce, etc. The better question to ask if if overall you think you and your children's lives would be better. I know my son's is better because he doesn't grow up thinking that the way my ex treated me is the way you treat women. If I had a daughter I'd be happy to know that she wouldn't grow up finding a man who treated her the way my ex did me. At least they wouldn't have to witness it every day and get a chance to see a mom who respects herself and is treated with respect.

Eta: forgive the typos. Sent from my phone.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is a very tough situation, but you deserve to be happy. You have to choose the path that is correct for you. I know children need both parents, but at what point do you become bitter and that is possibly worse for the kids thank parents who stay together just for the sake of keeping the family unit together. If they can have two parents who are happier apart, it might be a better influence on them. I dunno. I would really hate to advise somebody to get a divorce so I should really shut up.

In my case I do not regret it. Of course I had a lot less invested. We had been married only a short time, and we had no children. We spent most of our time fighting and hating each other. It was a tough road, but probably the best decision I ever made.

 

[lisaviolet]

to you. I'm sorry.

First, you should congratulate yourself for not being okay with the status quo no matter how things work out. That takes guts. Seriously, you should proud of yourself in that area.




___________________________

Third, be very careful with who you talk to about your relationship.

Such great advice.

And the friend/family that you have opened up to and let out your intimacies - if you and your husband do work things out - remember to always give your friends and family a moment/some time to catch up to where you're now at.

They weren't privy to the hard work and often need a moment to get to where you are now - especially friends. It's just human nature that we often overlook. We've complained - we've worked through it yet we expect everyone to bounce over to where we are instantly.

 

[luv2sleep]

Good point about second marriages. I think many don't work because of ex spouses and how people (steps and bios alike) deal with and react to the children, when one person jumps into a new relationship to fill a void, when a person feels they did nothing wrong in their previous marriage, doesn't learn from their mistakes and moves on from relationship to revelationship repeating the same behavior. This happened to me. I was a second wife and my ex pretty much treated me in the same crappy way he treated the first wife.

 

[Mermaid02]

My own experience has been that I am so much happier since I left. My husband was mean, mean to me, mean to our daughter, mean to our son. It was because he hated his life. Now that I have moved out and we are getting divorced- he's still not nice to me (shocker ) but his relationship with our children is better (they are 23 and 16).

After I moved out, my friends told me that my body language completely changed. I stood up straighter and looked people in the eye again. I don't eat my emotions anymore so I've lost a lot of weight and I feel great.

 

[tink20]

I

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, the only regret you will have is not making the decision that YOU need to make. And ONLY YOU can know what that is.

Just remember, that almost every decision has some trade-offs.
Nothing exists in a vacuum.
Everybody has their must/needs and priorities.

I will say that it seems that your husband is not emotionally and personally vested in a personal relationship with you. And, to me that is a huge thing.

Either he is just NOT capable of this (and there are quite a few people who are not)

OR

He is just disconnected/numbed by something pretty heavy, like some clinical depression.

Either way, DO NOT ASSUME THAT HE WILL CHANGE.
He will only change when he decides that he needs to address things, and change, for himself.

I would advise you to make your decision based on what you have been seeing and are experiencing.
make any decisions based on reality.

People are who they are.
And, when they show you who they are, believe them.

Hope this helps!

 

[anotherfakename]

I thank everyone for their advice. Like I said, I've talked to only two people (besides the counselor) preliminarily and I was looking for a sounding board. I will add a few details for clarification.

The sexless marriage is my husband's idea. He is not having an affair. I know this for a fact. He has a hugely stressful job and has responded by withdrawing. His complaints about me have to do with the fact that I make "demands" on his time (mostly that he spend time with his kids or show me affection).

I worked as a physical therapist before we had kids and plan on returning to that career. I need to take some continuing education and get my resume back up to date. My goal is to do that this fall, once the kids go back to school.

We've committed to counseling and I'm just trying to keep an open mind but it's like the notion of divorce has infected my mind.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I thank everyone for their advice. Like I said, I've talked to only two people (besides the counselor) preliminarily and I was looking for a sounding board. I will add a few details for clarification.

The sexless marriage is my husband's idea. He is not having an affair. I know this for a fact. He has a hugely stressful job and has responded by withdrawing. His complaints about me have to do with the fact that I make "demands" on his time (mostly that he spend time with his kids or show me affection).

I worked as a physical therapist before we had kids and plan on returning to that career. I need to take some continuing education and get my resume back up to date. My goal is to do that this fall, once the kids go back to school.

We've committed to counseling and I'm just trying to keep an open mind but it's like the notion of divorce has infected my mind.

Oh, how wonderful that you have a PLAN!!! Good for you!!!

Stop beating yourself up with the notion of having thoughts of divorce. THIS IS A NORMAL RESPONSE TO YOUR SITUATION!!!!

I would keep my trap shut to your family from now on. It is time for you to figure this out.

Go to counseling by yourself.

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, you talk about "doing everything he asked and becoming a Donna Reed clone". That sends up a screaming red flag to me. I did the same thing - there was a time in life when I was so focused on being the "perfect" SAHM and housewife that I neglected myself...

OMG.....
Yes, when I read that, I had a huge 'OMG' reaction.
I too, gave up a lot to marry my husband, move with him, for him to start his career, become a 'great wife and then mother'.

And, I have to agree....

That is not okay....
Once my son began to get older, and I was done with the 24/7 parenting. I realized that I was giving and giving and giving and getting nothing back. Everything had always been about my DH, and his family/parents, and his needs and desires, and then my son and his needs....

And, you know what, even if one does not believe that their loved ones are 'takers'... I do firmly believe that over time with consistent experience, people can learn to be 'takers'.

NOT GOOD....

It just doesn't work that all of the sudden, you can expect for things to be 50/50... for them to be able to give, emotionally, psychologically, etc...

I do think that these things mentioned here are an important part of your situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

His complaints about me have to do with the fact that I make "demands" on his time (mostly that he spend time with his kids or show me affection).

OP, so to expect him to ever be there, and be involved in a real intimate relationship, and to expend any small amount of time or effort of him to be a husband or father... is 'making demands'.....

That is serious.
Really.
That is not okay.

So, you owe him EVERYTHING as the wife and mother in the family.
But, he can not give anything.

I do hope that you can learn a lot and work thru some things.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Go to counseling by yourself.

I have the same initial gut-reaction.

 

[RadioNate]

Regret, yes & no.

I am happier since my divorce but like someone said, it doesn't exist in a vacuum. I regret that I chose a partner incapable if being a good husband & father.

We are both financially devastated. I have a job where it will still be years of struggle. I have small retirement savings. He has about the same but it isn't enough for 6 months. He has huge amounts of credit card debt. I have none but I worked really hard to pay that off. While amicable enough, our divorce cost more than our wedding, we each reached 5 figures in attorney fees. I will never achieve the lifestyle I had while married.

My kids are not in great shape. My 12yo DS is angry. SO angry. He resents me. Hates his dad. That said, his dad lives 1000 miles away & makes little effort to actually BE a father.

My 5yo DD during "wishing time" the other night wished that 'Mommy & Daddy lived in the same house.'

Divorce may 'fix' your current problems but will create an entire new set of problems you don't even realize exist.

Yes, I'm happier. My EX was abusive. Mean. A liar, a cheater. He thought there was "something better" out there for him. He "wasn't a family guy."

I don't know if he's happier. I don't care.

You talk about wanting love, affection. Yeah...I can't remember the last time that happened. I don't date. My kids aren't ready. Between work, the kids activities, & maintaining the house alone, I don't even have time. Sitters are expensive too!

In my experience....your married friends kinda "dump" you. You stop being invited to the 'couple' things and married women only do occasional "girls nights" because they want to be at home with their husbands & children.

Single, childless friends are tough too because they are more spontaneous. Needing childcare, you can't just decide at 4pm on a Tuesday to do dinner & drinks so they don't always include you either.

But I digress....

My advice is to get your own life. Job. New friends. Hobbies. All that stuff. Become your own person not a Donna Reed clone. Live for you. Keep up with the counseling, stay married but start reclaiming you.

This is going to sound awful but as a single mom, out working I now find my SAHM friends boring. They are dull. They have nothing to talk about but their husbands or kids. Their very narrow little world. I'm sure I was that way when I was a SAHM living for my husband & kids too. Unfortunately, I can see why my ex thought someone else was more interesting...I didn't have my own life. His affair was WRONG, 100% but I wasn't the fun loving, interesting women he married.

Work on you! And that's a lesson I regret not learning sooner. It will either help the marriage or you'll be in a better position if you decide divorce is the best option.

 

[anotherfakename]

Regret, yes & no.

I am happier since my divorce but like someone said, it doesn't exist in a vacuum. I regret that I chose a partner incapable if being a good husband & father.

We are both financially devastated. I have a job where it will still be years of struggle. I have small retirement savings. He has about the same but it isn't enough for 6 months. He has huge amounts of credit card debt. I have none but I worked really hard to pay that off. While amicable enough, our divorce cost more than our wedding, we each reached 5 figures in attorney fees. I will never achieve the lifestyle I had while married.

My kids are not in great shape. My 12yo DS is angry. SO angry. He resents me. Hates his dad. That said, his dad lives 1000 miles away & makes little effort to actually BE a father.

My 5yo DD during "wishing time" the other night wished that 'Mommy & Daddy lived in the same house.'

Divorce may 'fix' your current problems but will create an entire new set of problems you don't even realize exist.

Yes, I'm happier. My EX was abusive. Mean. A liar, a cheater. He thought there was "something better" out there for him. He "wasn't a family guy."

I don't know if he's happier. I don't care.

You talk about wanting love, affection. Yeah...I can't remember the last time that happened. I don't date. My kids aren't ready. Between work, the kids activities, & maintaining the house alone, I don't even have time. Sitters are expensive too!

In my experience....your married friends kinda "dump" you. You stop being invited to the 'couple' things and married women only do occasional "girls nights" because they want to be at home with their husbands & children.

Single, childless friends are tough too because they are more spontaneous. Needing childcare, you can't just decide at 4pm on a Tuesday to do dinner & drinks so they don't always include you either.

But I digress....

My advice is to get your own life. Job. New friends. Hobbies. All that stuff. Become your own person not a Donna Reed clone. Live for you. Keep up with the counseling, stay married but start reclaiming you.

This is going to sound awful but as a single mom, out working I now find my SAHM friends boring. They are dull. They have nothing to talk about but their husbands or kids. Their very narrow little world. I'm sure I was that way when I was a SAHM living for my husband & kids too. Unfortunately, I can see why my ex thought someone else was more interesting...I didn't have my own life. His affair was WRONG, 100% but I wasn't the fun loving, interesting women he married.

Work on you! And that's a lesson I regret not learning sooner. It will either help the marriage or you'll be in a better position if you decide divorce is the best option.

Thank you! This is real, useful advice!!! No one ever tells you that back story behind things and that's what I need to hear.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Regret, yes & no.

I am happier since my divorce but like someone said, it doesn't exist in a vacuum. I regret that I chose a partner incapable if being a good husband & father.

We are both financially devastated. I have a job where it will still be years of struggle. I have small retirement savings. He has about the same but it isn't enough for 6 months. He has huge amounts of credit card debt. I have none but I worked really hard to pay that off. While amicable enough, our divorce cost more than our wedding, we each reached 5 figures in attorney fees. I will never achieve the lifestyle I had while married.

My kids are not in great shape. My 12yo DS is angry. SO angry. He resents me. Hates his dad. That said, his dad lives 1000 miles away & makes little effort to actually BE a father.

My 5yo DD during "wishing time" the other night wished that 'Mommy & Daddy lived in the same house.'

Divorce may 'fix' your current problems but will create an entire new set of problems you don't even realize exist.

Yes, I'm happier. My EX was abusive. Mean. A liar, a cheater. He thought there was "something better" out there for him. He "wasn't a family guy."

I don't know if he's happier. I don't care.

You talk about wanting love, affection. Yeah...I can't remember the last time that happened. I don't date. My kids aren't ready. Between work, the kids activities, & maintaining the house alone, I don't even have time. Sitters are expensive too!

In my experience....your married friends kinda "dump" you. You stop being invited to the 'couple' things and married women only do occasional "girls nights" because they want to be at home with their husbands & children.

Single, childless friends are tough too because they are more spontaneous. Needing childcare, you can't just decide at 4pm on a Tuesday to do dinner & drinks so they don't always include you either.

But I digress....

My advice is to get your own life. Job. New friends. Hobbies. All that stuff. Become your own person not a Donna Reed clone. Live for you. Keep up with the counseling, stay married but start reclaiming you.

This is going to sound awful but as a single mom, out working I now find my SAHM friends boring. They are dull. They have nothing to talk about but their husbands or kids. Their very narrow little world. I'm sure I was that way when I was a SAHM living for my husband & kids too. Unfortunately, I can see why my ex thought someone else was more interesting...I didn't have my own life. His affair was WRONG, 100% but I wasn't the fun loving, interesting women he married.

Work on you! And that's a lesson I regret not learning sooner. It will either help the marriage or you'll be in a better position if you decide divorce is the best option.

Great post! Good luck to you, RadioNate!

 

[luv2sleep]

Not all divorces end up like that but that's a pretty good worst case scenario. Divorces don't have to be costly if two people can be very amicable. Some use a paralegal or a family four mediator which is free. Lawyers truly are out for what they can get from you. My lawyer was fantastic. Kept all of my costs low. i spent less than $5K on my divorce. I had to pay some of his attorney's fees though so it was about $9K total. My ex and his first wife used a paralegal. All amicable and cheap. They sold their house and split the cash and decided on the rest.

I have a great career so I was ok. Kept my house, etc. Some SAHMs get hefty monthly support because the ex makes great $$. People remarry and have some help that way or live with family or have family close by to help. Lots of kids go through hard times with divorce. This can be the hardest part of divorce if the parents don't try hard to make it as easy on the kids as possible. However if one parent is bitter, angry and mean or really far away and doesn't make much effort like the pp's that makes things really hard on the kids.

I have a divorced friend with probably one of the worst ex's imaginable. He was an alcoholic and physically abusive while they were married and continued to be verbally and physically abusive during pick up and drop off for the kids. She finally got a restraining order against him but the courts would not change his visitation. She is way better off and happier without him and doesn't regret divorcing him even with all of the difficulty afterward. She immediately put her kids in counseling after the divorce and the kids are doing really well.

Life after divorce is not rosy but it can be better than being married. I too regret choosing the wrong person. Would have saved me time, money, and from the emotional drama.

 

[Colleen27]

I thank everyone for their advice. Like I said, I've talked to only two people (besides the counselor) preliminarily and I was looking for a sounding board. I will add a few details for clarification.

The sexless marriage is my husband's idea. He is not having an affair. I know this for a fact. He has a hugely stressful job and has responded by withdrawing. His complaints about me have to do with the fact that I make "demands" on his time (mostly that he spend time with his kids or show me affection).

I worked as a physical therapist before we had kids and plan on returning to that career. I need to take some continuing education and get my resume back up to date. My goal is to do that this fall, once the kids go back to school.

We've committed to counseling and I'm just trying to keep an open mind but it's like the notion of divorce has infected my mind.

When you return to work, will he be able to scale back the stress factor in his work life? Could that be part of the problem, that he really wants to make a career change/is getting burnt out on that hugely stressful career but feels trapped because he's the sole breadwinner?

Honestly, bits and pieces of your posts make me feel like I'm talking to myself from 10 years ago. Work was a big part of the problem when DH & I were at our worst too, and it did come out as him resenting my "demands" on his time. But what he really resented was feeling trapped in a job he hated, being stressed out more often than not, and never feeling like his time was his own (his job had on-call responsibilities). And with DH, sex is the first thing to go when he's under a lot of stress; he just can't set it aside to get in the mood, and tends to immerse himself in stupid distractions like TV or gaming to "shut down" the mental stress-loop.

Once all that was out in the open we figured it out - I started freelancing so that there was some other income coming in, we went over the budget with a fine tooth comb so we both knew exactly what we needed to make ends meet, and together we found a way for him to make a change. But for a long time he just didn't want to talk to me about it because he didn't want me going back to work full time and didn't see how "complaining" would help matters any.

OMG.....
Yes, when I read that, I had a huge 'OMG' reaction.
I too, gave up a lot to marry my husband, move with him, for him to start his career, become a 'great wife and then mother'.

And, I have to agree....

That is not okay....
Once my son began to get older, and I was done with the 24/7 parenting. I realized that I was giving and giving and giving and getting nothing back. Everything had always been about my DH, and his family/parents, and his needs and desires, and then my son and his needs....

And, you know what, even if one does not believe that their loved ones are 'takers'... I do firmly believe that over time with consistent experience, people can learn to be 'takers'.

I think so too. DH & I had a good balance when we both worked and we've had a good balance for years now with me at home, so I know it isn't just his nature not to 'give'. But even good people can develop bad habits, and we both did.

 

[TeresaNJ]

First, hugs. Second, read it. http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Busting-Step---Step-Approach/dp/0671797255/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373731298&sr=8-1&keywords=divorce+busting+by+michele+weiner-davis