How much $$ would you give as wedding gift?

[Skellingtonj]

Given what my comments were, when you commented and what you commented about seemed pretty connected. If it was completely unrelated then you have my apologies.

All good. These threads always tend to do off the rails.

 

[dreamin_disney]

Holly Cow!! I'm shocked at how much $$ is given. Around here I guess we don't do fancy. People might have the reception in a hall, American legion or outdoor weeding. Anywhere from 75-150 guest. Gifts run around $25-$100 probably more like $25-$50 or household gifts. It more about celebrating and having a goodtime with friends and family.

My niece will be getting married next year. She got married at the hall of records and divorced 5 years later. She didn't invite any friends or family just her witness. She didn't have any celebration. They kept it quiet. Next year she will be getting married and planning on having a big wedding. It will be in a hall, with dj and food (probably by her mom and family cooking it). I know they like to party so it be one BIG party. I was thinking of giving her $100. She's my niece/goddaughter so I was also planning on helping out with something up to $200 toward the food, decorations, cake etc.

My brother's kids probably $50 I don't really see them or have a relationship with them
My sisters kids $100 and offer to make a large side dish or personlized wedding favors

Husbands side.
brother or sisters MIL will have us pay for something like Dj, food or chip in for hall, etc
His nieces or nephews $25-$50 there's 3 older ones that really don't even interact at the parties and don't come around as much.

 

[Suprachica79]

From CT here, not a swanky family but always try to cover the plate at mininum. At my wedding 4 years ago, one aunt and uncle (who are like second parents to me) gave $500, 2 other sets gave $250 (their kids, all adults, gave their own monetary gifts). In Newport, where a plate costs $150 minimum, that is what I would do. Hell, we have a wedding for our neighbors grandkids next year and we plan to do at least $200 from my wife and I. In lower New England, NY or NJ, anything less would be somewhat surprising.

 

[gillep]

I have a question (not for you particularly @ADLFAN): If you are of the opinion or come from an area where the norm/expectation is a large cash gift (thinking of those that mention giving mid-3 to low-4 figures), do you just decline the invitation if you don't feel like you can give that much? I guess I'm wondering if anybody would really say to a bridal couple "sorry, we're just not able to give a big enough gift to make us feel comfortable attending the event". Not that anyone would be likely to be that honest, but that's what it could actually come down to, right?

I've been informed by the DIS of a lot of things I wasn't aware of in my everyday life and "cover your plate" weddings are one of them. I've long ago realized it's ridiculous on my part to comment critically because it really is one of those things that legitimately vary from place to place. We all see things from our own perspective though; I imagine those who scorn DIY backyard potlucks or cash bars at weddings still presume the couple is expecting huge gifts, as would be customary in the scenarios they're familiar with.

I would never decline a wedding because we couldn't afford a larger cash gift. All of our family and most of our friends are on the East Coast and we are in CA, so even a $500 gift is a drop in the bucket compared to travel costs for my husband and myself to attend a wedding, between flights, dog daycare, food, rental car, parking or Uber to airport, etc., it dwarfs any gift we may give. As a result, we have absolutely declined wedding invitations due to travel expenses, we would then either send cash if one of us remembered to get a card in a timely manner, or pick something off the registry and send it with a note expressing our regrets.

Our cash gifts are larger now, but when we were first starting out on our own our cash gifts were much smaller, and I assume that people understood that, if not, that's on them, as we gave what we could and celebrated with the bride and groom.

When we got married most of our parents' and grandparents' generations gave larger cash gifts, and those of our own generation gave smaller cash gifts or even just cards. We knew that some family members had financial struggles, and we were just happy that they attended the wedding at all. One woman in particular made me a beautiful towel cake that I still have. When my SIL was married this past weekend, ten years after mine, that same woman gave her a modest cash gift because she is now in a secure job and is doing well!!

I said it depended on your perspective. You had an opinion and I had a differing opinion than you. You said "It's easier for the newly married couple to deal with a bunch of envelopes than packages right after the reception." as if that was fact. It's your particular thoughts likely your own experience. Having a bunch of envelopes wouldn't have been more practical for my wedding and as I already stated physical gifts were majority sent to our house-that is my experience. So yeah again it depends on perspective.

As far as checks--
I couldn't cash half of them for a while because of how people wrote them out. I had to legally change my name first, I had to change my name on my bank accounts using my marriage license. I hyphenated my name so when someone said Mr AND Mrs Mickelson (which I was not) I had to show my bank my marriage license, combined with my new identification (my new DL) showing my new name plus my bank said "well we can see your maiden name on your account is reflected in your married name so we can see you are the same person).

I could cash the checks that were made out to Mr OR Mrs Mickelson and those my husband alone could endorse. I could also cash the ones made out to Aaron OR Mackenzie without a last name attached as either one of us could endorse it.

The ones made out to AND both of us had to endorse and since people assumed that I took his last name combined with the waiting period to change my name (as I went on my honeymoon right after and then waited several weeks later til I could take a day off to go to the DMV and the Social Security office to legally change my name plus getting the official marriage certificate copy needed to change my name) meant the checks weren't cashed for a while.

As for showers--
I only had 1 shower and it was just ladies. Wedding registries are extremely common in my area and the vast majority of the gifts will be given for the wedding not the shower (IME). I haven't been to a wedding that hasn't had a wedding registry with the exception of this last weekend--then again it was my father-in-law's wedding and his was his 3rd wedding and his bride's 2nd wedding..very little gifts were even given nor much cash either. Multiple marriages tend to function differently anyways.

Great on the cultures part but I wasn't talking about that. I was simply talking about your statement of "It's easier for the newly married couple to deal with a bunch of envelopes than packages right after the reception." Cultural differences are very different than matters of opinion on dealing with a bunch of envelopes than packages right after the reception.

This is definitely a YMMV thing. I never took my husband's last name and at least half of our wedding checks were made out to his full name AND my first name + his last name and we had no issue depositing them together the day after the wedding, and I obviously had no paperwork or ID to corroborate the name listed as mine, as it wasn't, and still isn't, my name. My husband's grandmother even still sends birthday checks to that name and I have no issue depositing them, and I have never brought our marriage license to the bank or anything like that and this has been with two different large banks.

I am used to physical gifts being for the shower or those who don't attend the wedding but still send a gift, and cash for the wedding itself, although some people who attend the wedding still send a gift instead, but those are sent directly to the couple to the address listed on the registry. I can't remember ever seeing a physical gift at a wedding. Of the past six weddings I have been to only two of the couples lived within 1000 miles of the wedding venue, so physical gifts brought to the reception would not have been practical for the bride and groom.

 

[aprilgail]

If I have to write a check, I make it payable to the groom.

And yes, I'm sure that some grooms change their name, I don't know even one.

I write the check out to whoever I am friends/family with- I will write it out to Sue maiden name- they are not as picky as they used to be at banks- I cash checks with my first name wrong on them, for some reason some company that I get checks from thinks my first name is Sharon- no where near what it is but I never have a issue signing the check with my real name and electronically depositing them so a maiden name shouldn't be an issue. I also never step foot in a bank, everything is done either at the atm or checks deposited by taking a pic and doing it via the banks phone app.

 

[tcufrog]

I think that has become more commonplace partially because more people are getting married later in life. When I got married, we had a wedding registry of household stuff because my wife and I were moving into our first home. But if you are getting married at an older age, it's more likely that all the 'traditional' wedding gifts are things you already might own.

My older son and I are attending the wedding of a friend of his to a teacher at their school. The groom's daughter also goes to the school. Since they are combining households they already had everything they needed so they asked for stuff for date nights and charity donations. We're giving them a gift certificate to Sur La Table for them to go to a cooking class together. They're lots of fun and include dinner. The classes are BYOB so I'm pairing the gc with a pair of inexpensive acrylic wine glasses, a travel corkscrew and an inexpensive bottle of red wine and one of white wine.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This is definitely a YMMV thing. I never took my husband's last name and at least half of our wedding checks were made out to his full name AND my first name + his last name and we had no issue depositing them together the day after the wedding, and I obviously had no paperwork or ID to corroborate the name listed as mine, as it wasn't, and still isn't, my name. My husband's grandmother even still sends birthday checks to that name and I have no issue depositing them, and I have never brought our marriage license to the bank or anything like that and this has been with two different large banks.

For sure. It depends on the bank and the attendant I'm sure (especially if they glance versus really look over). The larger point is the attendant can refuse to cash the check depending on how it's written out to. Like I said I went to multiple branches with multiple attendants all who refused checks that were made out to AND combined with his last name until I got my name legally changed and could then change the name on my account as well as produce the marriage certificate. It could also depend on if you have existing accounts with the bank, how those were set up in terms of the name, etc.

I am used to physical gifts being for the shower or those who don't attend the wedding but still send a gift, and cash for the wedding itself, although some people who attend the wedding still send a gift instead, but those are sent directly to the couple to the address listed on the registry. I can't remember ever seeing a physical gift at a wedding. Of the past six weddings I have been to only two of the couples lived within 1000 miles of the wedding venue, so physical gifts brought to the reception would not have been practical for the bride and groom.

Yeah I don't think it's a lot of physical gifts being given at weddings, majority are sent to the residence but we still had some and so has all the other weddings we've been too--not too many just some. Even a few for my father-in-law's wedding this past weekend (have no idea what gift they got as no registry was set up but like I said this was the 3rd and 2nd marriage for the groom and bride respectively).

I think sometimes it's also like people who are like my mom- she hates the fact that people now do online stuff. She loves being able to physically pick out the gift and to physically be able to give the gift so she'd be more likely to bring the gift to the wedding (within reason). I was, however, able to convince her to send the stroller to the residence she bought her godson last month for their baby shower. If it was smaller she would have wanted to give the gift (which would be the same for weddings). Sometimes I think it's also logistics in terms of shipping time, availability instore vs online, etc in terms of bringing a gift to the wedding vs sending in the mail.

 

[Disney Doll]

To answer your question OP, I’d probably give $500. If your adult children decide to give their own gifts I’d probably back my gift down a bit.

For those of you in other regions, cover your plate is a guideline. It’s not an admission fee. It’s not a requirement. It’s a guideline, probably initially started way back when as a way to give the bride and groom a “start”. If that’s not what’s typical in your region, then so be it.

 

[smiths02]

To answer your question OP, I’d probably give $500. If your adult children decide to give their own gifts I’d probably back my gift down a bit.

For those of you in other regions, cover your plate is a guideline. It’s not an admission fee. It’s not a requirement. It’s a guideline, probably initially started way back when as a way to give the bride and groom a “start”. If that’s not what’s typical in your region, then so be it.

But if it started way back when the bride's parents paid for the wedding...why would cover your plate matter? Any cash gift or household item that is affordable would give the couple a start.
Also, if I or my parents are rich (or maybe foolish) enough to spend $300/plate on my wedding then I need $300 pp to get a good start? Ummm....I'm guessing that person already has/had a good start.
If I can only afford a backyard BBQ then you only have to give me $15pp so what kind of start is that?

The idea the gift is based on the budget of the bride/groom (and/or their parents) instead of the giver is what is the most problematic with cover your plate to me.

 

[mjkacmom]

But if it started way back when the bride's parents paid for the wedding...why would cover your plate matter? Any cash gift or household item that is affordable would give the couple a start.
Also, if I or my parents are rich (or maybe foolish) enough to spend $300/plate on my wedding then I need $300 pp to get a good start? Ummm....I'm guessing that person already has/had a good start.
If I can only afford a backyard BBQ then you only have to give me $15pp so what kind of start is that?

The idea the gift is based on the budget of the bride/groom (and/or their parents) instead of the giver is what is the most problematic with cover your plate to me.

Well, then it is a good thing you don’t live here, isn’t it, and you don’t have to worry about it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

For those of you in other regions, cover your plate is a guideline. It’s not an admission fee. It’s not a requirement. It’s a guideline, probably initially started way back when as a way to give the bride and groom a “start”. If that’s not what’s typical in your region, then so be it.

I'm ok with the concept (nowadays that is thanks to the DIS) even if I don't agree with it but there are multiple posters over various threads who go well beyond explaining that "it's just a customary thing in my area" and make something different.

Even in this own thread when someone explained what cover your plate meant to them they said don't be a cheap butt (well you know the word used). Frankly that's what tends to set people off in their viewpoint on cover your plate. The concept of covering your plate is one thing, the concept that if you don't cover your plate you're cheap, you're known as that person in social circles, you're supposed to give X amount regardless of whether you can really afford it, you're supposed to figure in the financials (something IMO is very personal and not my business to consider) of the couple getting married, etc is what rubs people (at least from my viewpoint looking at the threads and whatnot) the wrong way.

Conversely someone saying "gift registries are tacky" just because it's not done in their area and instead cash gifts are given rubs people the wrong way who do have gift registries with cash gifts not being the main gift given.

 

[smiths02]

Well, then it is a good thing you don’t live here, isn’t it, and you don’t have to worry about it.

I don't think it is about where I am from regionally or where I currently live, but where I am from financially and where some of my friends and family still are.
I have a strong dislike of excluding people based on their income.

 

[smiths02]

I should add, because to me saying "cover your plate" as a rule means that the person who cannot afford to do it should not attend the wedding.

 

[mjkacmom]

I should add, because to me saying "cover your plate" as a rule means that the person who cannot afford to do it should not attend the wedding.

But it doesn’t mean that - at all. And that had been stated over and over, all gifts are graciously accepted and appreciated. It’s funny, people who live here have real issues to complain about, and on local message boards, do so, political corruption, insane taxes, public transportation issues, crumbling infrastructure, and yet I have never ever read any complaints about weddings.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It’s funny, people who live here have real issues to complain about, and on local message boards, do so, political corruption, insane taxes, public transportation issues, crumbling infrastructure, and yet I have never ever read any complaints about weddings.

I don't know how any of what you listed is even remotely related to what we're talking about.

When I go onto Nextdoor (social networking site used across the nation) I'm likely to find a lot of the same things you've talked about..but it's not the place to go rambling on about a social norm such as cover your plate-that would be an improper usage of the message board. I could see that on FB but it's going to be less likely if you're on the FB page of your school district, of your city, etc to discuss the details related to cover your plate.

Social norms are not the same as things you've talked about. Social norms also don't disclose how every single person truly feels about it. I'm fairly certain I've read posts throughout various threads from people in the areas that do cover your plate that aren't big fans of it.

I also get the impression that it would be improper in terms of social etiquette to discuss in most social circles whether cover your plate is what a person wants to do though I could be wrong about that.

 

[luvsJack]

Here is what I don't understand:

Those of you in the "cover your plate" areas, say, on one hand, that its not "required" and anyone can still go to a wedding even if they can't afford to cover their plate and that no one actually discusses it.

But then on the other hand, some of you have implied that its rude not to give that much, a person looks cheap not to give that much and other negative remarks. Oh, and that gifters in your area are "generous" as though to say that people who don't "cover their plate" aren't generous. And seem to maintain that a wedding gift really should be based on the budget of the bride, groom and/or their parents rather than the gifter. Sounds pretty "required" to me.

 

[Erzengel]

I live in an expensive wedding state, so depending on whether both me and my wife go, it's minimum $200 to $250 or even higher depending on how close we are with the couple.

 

[allison443]

I should add, because to me saying "cover your plate" as a rule means that the person who cannot afford to do it should not attend the wedding.

Curious how you feel about destination weddings? The couple is saying we’d love you to attend...only if you can afford airfare, hotel, time off work etc. (I have never been invited to a destination wedding myself). That would be a lot more than the $500 some have mentioned.

 

[skyblue17]

Curious how you feel about destination weddings? The couple is saying we’d love you to attend...only if you can afford airfare, hotel, time off work etc. (I have never been invited to a destination wedding myself). That would be a lot more than the $500 some have mentioned.

That's not even JUST destination weddings. That's for any couple getting married in a place where one half of the couple is from. An upcoming wedding I am attending is not a destination wedding for the bride or her family, as it's where she grew up, but the groom's side and most of their mutual friends have to travel, make accommodations, etc.

 

[disneychrista]

Another random thought I just had. Why does the amount I give/spend depend on my family size/# of guests? Is this part of the “cover your plate” mentality? I’m guessing yes.

Full disclosure: I’ve been to one wedding in my life and I was 8. I have no clue how much my parents spent or what they gave. Maybe that’s why these types of threads fascinate me. I have no clue what the social norms are in my area. It doesn’t apply since I’m not going to weddings/showers/etc.