Homeschooled child concern

[Liberty Belle]

Maybe I should have phrased it like this: in your opinion, is this a good way to raise a child? Also the child is not in any social activities. I feel that is very bad.

I might do something similar, I don't know. Whatever fits your schedule and temperament.

As far as the social stuff, yes I do think it's important to provide social activities to homeschoolers. ARe you sure she doesn't at all? Maybe it's the child's choice and will work into socializing more as she feels comfortable?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I've been waiting for an opportunity to say this in a serious tone:
Not my circus... Not my monkeys...

 

[piglet1979]

I can tell you how both sides feel. My mother and father in law disapproved on how we were raising our 2 kids. It was very well known to us but was not said straight to our face. We stopped talking to them for a very long time. Things have changed and are for the better now.

Now I very much disapprove of how my sister is raising her children. I would love to say something but it is not my place. I will stay out of it. I love all of my nieces and nephews but what ever I have to say will not be heard and will start a fight.

I understand that you want the best for your niece but you may not be making it any better. Not all kids are involved in activities. Plus it sounds like she was being bullied and that maybe why she does not participate.

All of my cousins on my dads side of the family have been home schooled. I also did a paper on it in college and got to spend a day with to see how it worked. They started around 9 or 10 and we done sometimes around 1. They work at their own pace. They got to go on a lot more field trips and got more hands on schooling. The homeschooling that they are doing sounds fine. The state (Ohio at least) make the kids take a test at the end of the year to make sure they are still learning. If need be the state can step in. This did happen with my step-dads nephews in Cali. By the age of 10 they were forced to go to school because they were so far behind.

As for facebook. That is up to the family. My kids are 10 and 11. It is not something I allow them to do but I have friends that have allowed their kids to.

 

[Nancyg56]

Maybe I should have phrased it like this: in your opinion, is this a good way to raise a child? Also the child is not in any social activities. I feel that is very bad.

Is this how I would raise a child in theory? No. In practice? It kind of was. . However, let me put a little personal perspective into this. My own son had a terrible time when he was younger, and had I been able to home school him I would have. he would not have entered into any social activities, and that was because he had no friends. Not one. He was bullied and life was horrible for him back then. As a parent, I would have given him whatever respite he needed from having to face his reality every time he entered into any social activity. For him, at that time in his life, social activities were torture.

The problem you have is that you are on the outside looking in and have no idea what is actually happening in this family. You think you know, however you honestly cannot. If you really care, you might consider just letting the parents guide their child. They may not be doing the job the way you think that they should but they really have all of the insight that they need at this time.

Well if you really must know, that "circle" is family. And the child is my only niece.

I got a lot of "constructive feedback" about the decisions we made for my son. Concerned family, who knew not a bit about what he was really dealing with, or the counseling taking place, had a lot of idea how to "fix" the situation. I knew my family loved my son, but they were not his parent, and really only knew what I shared.

You really need to step away from second guessing this family decision and be an Aunt. I can tell you that as a mother, if anyone interfered too much in my parenting decisions their interaction with my family would have been dramatically reduced.

 

[Minnesota!]

None of it would concern me. Each family does what works for THEIR family - not yours.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Maybe I should have phrased it like this: in your opinion, is this a good way to raise a child? Also the child is not in any social activities. I feel that is very bad.

Every kid is different.
Homeschooling is not public school at home, it is a completely different way of educating. There are tons of methods to choose from. Maybe your niece needed an adjustment period to find herself. Maybe her parents need time to figure oit their cirriculum. Maybe how they raise their kid is their business.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...I teach teenagers, and nobody is on Facebook. It's all snapchat and Instagram.

That's the only thing I might actually bring up to the family. Especially with the recent bullying, this girl might be vulnerable to older "friends" with less than stellar intentions.

(I'm not, however one who thinks kids should never be allowed to talk to adults! - I'd just want her parents to discuss internet safety with her and stay in the loop.)

 

[gotomu212]

You expressed your opinion to your sister/brother, they responded to you that they are comfortable with the situation and how your niece is doing- you should pretty much be done offering advice now unless you want to strain that relationship.

For what it’s worth why does it bother you that she sleeps later?

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Someone very close to me has been home-schooling her 12 year old daughter this year after an issue with bullies last year. It seems like she lets her wake up whenever she wants (sometimes as late as 11:00am!) on school days because, well, she doesn't have to get up for school. She's homeschooled! And she also lets her go on Facebook in the middle of the night. I just don't get it. She has the Facebook parental controls set right, but I always felt like Facebook should not be allowed for someone that age, and if it is allowed, to only be allowed in moderation and very limited use.

When I try and offer my opinion, the response is "she's getting straight A's, and is reading at a ninth grade level, yada yada".

Would this be concerning to anyone else?

Well the face book late at night is a separate issue from the homeschooling. And I don't think the 11 am thing is too worrisome. As long as the schooling is being done. And for the record, kids getting up at 6 am for 7-8 am start times is not done for the sake of learning. It is done to be convenient for working parents.

Maybe I should have phrased it like this: in your opinion, is this a good way to raise a child? Also the child is not in any social activities. I feel that is very bad.

I think a kid can grow up ok without doing all the social activities. I mean geeks that don't do many activities have gone on to lead very productive lives and football and cheerleading Gods have ended up peaking in high school. I'm sure the reverse is true for both groups as well. I'm just sayin that activities aren't necessarily the best barometer of future success.

Because she's my niece, and I'm concerned because she doesn't have any friends and is staying up all night on the computer. That wouldn't concern you at all?

Friends do not concern me. Staying up all night isn't good. But so far, being on Facebook and staying up all night are the only concerns. And those are minor.

 

[AquamarineSteph]

I have a friend who is homeschooling her son after a similar incident. He was so terrified for awhile that he refused to leave the house. Yes, they are working with the appropriate therapists to deal with that part of his issues. He has made significant progress, but it was very slow going at first.

As far as the homeschooling itself, she works hard to make sure he has the right educational materials. He does some of his work online even because he's really smart and advanced for his age. She (the mother) has been reaching out to other homeschoolers to find what she hopes might be a good mix of other children around her son's age for joint activities and field trips. It's a process. She didn't originally plan to homeschool him. She's also been learning about what resources are available to them.

They also keep they're own hours during the day and do not conform to an 8-3 school schedule. She says this last part has worked wonderfully well for them, and she has seen marked improvement in her son since she began this. I do not know if she plans to continue homeschooling him or eventually to send him to a different school than the one he previously attended. Either way, I think she has done an amazing job addressing his situation and the circumstances which caused it.

We all deal with trauma differently. I'm very sorry about what happened to your niece at her school.

 

[Magpie]

Someone very close to me has been home-schooling her 12 year old daughter this year after an issue with bullies last year. It seems like she lets her wake up whenever she wants (sometimes as late as 11:00am!) on school days because, well, she doesn't have to get up for school. She's homeschooled! And she also lets her go on Facebook in the middle of the night. I just don't get it. She has the Facebook parental controls set right, but I always felt like Facebook should not be allowed for someone that age, and if it is allowed, to only be allowed in moderation and very limited use.

When I try and offer my opinion, the response is "she's getting straight A's, and is reading at a ninth grade level, yada yada".

Would this be concerning to anyone else?

It wouldn't be concerning to me.

Kudos, by the way, to your relatives for getting their daughter out of that toxic situation! Bullying is child abuse, plain and simple. Every day, the child is forced to walk back into hell, and the long term mental health consequences can be severe. Kids end up with anxiety, PTSD, even become suicidal. Your relative has stepped up to protect her daughter, while ensuring she continues to get an education.

And congrats to your niece on her straight A's (by which I presume she's doing some sort of correspondence education, since many DIY homeschoolers don't even bother with grades), and her excellent reading level. She's clearly a bright student.

Why shouldn't the child sleep in until noon? It's not as if this will render her incapable of holding down a 9-5 job when she's an adult. Sure, you could argue the importance of rising early as a way of establishing routine and discipline, etc, but presumably her parents have found other ways to instill good habits in her.

If I could sleep in until 11am every day, I would!

And given that she's sleeping until 11am, she probably doesn't go to bed until 1 or 2am. So, the fact that she's on Facebook in the middle of the night is no surprise. Glad to hear they've got parental controls on.

My children were on Facebook by about age 10 or 11, as were most of their 5th grade classmates, though they didn't use it very much. And this was in the old days, before parental controls. These days my young adults are on *******. My husband's the only one still on Facebook.

Maybe I should have phrased it like this: in your opinion, is this a good way to raise a child? Also the child is not in any social activities. I feel that is very bad.

Depends on the child, but there's nothing inherently wrong in it. It's definitely not "very bad".

Given the girl was being bullied in school, I doubt she was in any social activities there, either. From your description, she appears to be engaging in some social activity on Facebook.

Next year, perhaps, she may decide to give her peers another chance and sign up for something like Guides or a sport. It's completely understandable, however, if she's not interested in this sort of thing right now. Once burned, twice shy.

Because she's my niece, and I'm concerned because she doesn't have any friends and is staying up all night on the computer. That wouldn't concern you at all?

She didn't have any friends when she was in school, either. And if she's on the computer... presumably she does have some online friends?

I have/had two children. One is a freshman in college, the other died at birth.

My condolences on your loss. I've raised two of my own to 19 and 21, and we homeschooled for a few years along the way. They're both in their third year of University. Over the years I've seen my children's friends growing up, and yes, there were times I thought to myself, in a judgmental kind of way, "I sure wouldn't parent mine like that!" But, in the end, the kids have all made it to adulthood. They're all holding down jobs and going to school. No one's lives were ruined by any of their parents' choices, whether they had a strict bedtime or not, whether they got to play Grand Theft Auto at eight, or not at all, whether they were on Facebook at 10, or not until they were 16, whether they were homeschooled or privately schooled or went to public school. Organic food. Music lessons. Competitive sports. Attachment parenting. Breastfeeding. Co-sleeping. Spanking. Ultimately, the only thing that really mattered was if they had loving parents who didn't abuse them (and there was one girl we knew who wasn't even that lucky, but even she made it out okay).

So, my advice to you would be, "Mind your own business." Be a good aunt and spend time with your niece, but don't try to tell her parents how to raise her. Nothing you've described rises to the level of child abuse, or even neglect.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Former homeschooler here. Our son is now in college, so my "home school mom" job is done.

When he was younger, we started school pretty early. And we were through by 1 or 2 o'clock. As he got older, it was more difficult for him to get up and enjoy classes. But he wanted to stay up until all hours. My husband and I figured, as long as the work is completed, it didn't matter when he did it.

He also didn't have to do it all at once. He could take quick or extended breaks, as needed. Heck, sometimes he would complete some of his work, go see a movie with me or friends and come back to finish whatever needed done.

Our son did attend a traditional school through 2nd grade. He was effectively bullied by his 2nd grade teacher. She hated boys and took all of her frustrations out on them. He was a small kid that wore his heart on his sleeve. He took the bullying very hard. And it took a lot to get him through it.

OP, mind your own business.

 

[Colleen27]

I notice that none of the issues you raise have to do with the schooling part of her homeschooling. Only the social side. Learning isn't limited to specific hours, as I'm sure you know, and there's nothing wrong with getting school work done at times that work for the family.

This girl was bullied, severely enough that pulling her out of school looked to her parents like a reasonable response. It will take time for her to rebuild a social network and get into activities after that experience - bullied kids don't just suffer at the hands of their bully, they also learn not to trust their peers in general because for every bully there are countless other kids who look the other way about the abuse, either to try to fit in or because they don't want to incur the bully's wrath themselves. And it takes time to build a social network as homeschoolers, to become aware of the activities available in the area and meet other homeschooling families. Social media is a big part of making those connections and I would guess that's why she's on FB, rather than on Snapchat (which would be more common at her age) - because there are probably local FB groups for homeschoolers that the family is starting to get involved in.

 

[katie01]

Because she's my niece, and I'm concerned because she doesn't have any friends and is staying up all night on the computer. That wouldn't concern you at all?

My 13 year old DD has zero friends, and kids at school tell her to go away, they don't want to talk to her. She is in a traditional school, never been homeschooled, not on Facebook, and keeps regular sleeping and eating hours. She also doesn't want to participate in activities, but maybe it's because other kids have ostracized her her whole life. Do you know which came first, the chicken or the egg? Maybe your niece was always friendless, and her parents think it's best for her to learn at home where kids aren't always making her feel worthless. Maybe I should do the same with my DD. As you can see, the answers are never easy, and most parents are doing everything they can for the sake of the child. If you have evidence to the contrary, that your niece is being beaten, or neglected, or abused in any way, then obviously that is a situation that is very wrong, and you'd need to step in. But I don't think you can or should intervene because your niece doesn't have friends or doesn't follow a traditional time schedule at school. If you figure out a way to force a kid to have friends, please let me know, because my DD would do anything to have even one friend.

 

[palmtreegirl]

Mind your own business, it's not your child.

 

[Magpie]

My 13 year old DD has zero friends, and kids at school tell her to go away, they don't want to talk to her. She is in a traditional school, never been homeschooled, not on Facebook, and keeps regular sleeping and eating hours. She also doesn't want to participate in activities, but maybe it's because other kids have ostracized her her whole life. Do you know which came first, the chicken or the egg? Maybe your niece was always friendless, and her parents think it's best for her to learn at home where kids aren't always making her feel worthless. Maybe I should do the same with my DD. As you can see, the answers are never easy, and most parents are doing everything they can for the sake of the child. If you have evidence to the contrary, that your niece is being beaten, or neglected, or abused in any way, then obviously that is a situation that is very wrong, and you'd need to step in. But I don't think you can or should intervene because your niece doesn't have friends or doesn't follow a traditional time schedule at school. If you figure out a way to force a kid to have friends, please let me know, because my DD would do anything to have even one friend.

Aw... your daughter sounds like me at that age.

If it's any help at all, the only thing that helped was changing schools. Repeatedly. Each time I got a fresh start, and could try not to repeat the social mistakes of the past. This, plus maturity on my part, eventually led to me finding my first "real" friend in Grade Seven. And eventually, by high school, I even had a small circle of friends.

My daughter didn't have friends in middle school, either, but unlike me, no one was overtly cruel to her. They just ignored her and she ignored them, burying herself in books. She was very surprised, in eighth grade, to discover that people liked her, even if they didn't want to be friends with her. And in Grade 9, she found her first real friend, but unfortunately by Grade 11 she was back to being generally-liked-but-friendless again. Fortunately, circumstances change! She's been in university for four years now, worked in a biolab most of that time, and she actually has a social life (lunches with friends, occasional gaming) for the first time ever.

Not everyone has tons of friends. Not everyone needs tons of friends. And sometimes it just takes you longer to find your people.

Anyone remember this storybook? Ferdinand the Bull. His mother was wise, and when she saw that he didn't want to run and butt heads with all the other little bulls, she let him be alone.

 

[Sadie22]

The parents may be following therapies laid out by a counselor of some type as well as home schooling curriculum required in their locality. Social activities may come slowly. There's no big rush. This child may be an introvert who needs time to herself, time with loved ones, and really does not need others right now. Adults hopefully can present a united appearance of support for her needs rather than fighting each other about how things should proceed.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well if you really must know, that "circle" is family. And the child is my only niece.

Wow...... Just now seeing this.
Like this is justification.

 

[piccolopat]

One of the advantages of home schooling is that the hours and methods of teaching can be tailored to fit the child. There is really no good reason to stick with the traditional school hours, which according to some studies is not the best times for learning anyway. Being up late to use FB is not a concern either as long as her parents know what she is doing (likely since you say they use parental controls) and she is not sleep deprived (not likely since she sleeps late). As for her social activities, not every child needs or wants to be involved in activities or to have lots of friends. If you know for sure that she was involved in x, y or z and really enjoyed it while she was in regular school, you can certainly ask if she misses it. I do suggest that you approach this with a different attitude than your judgmental post here shows or you can end up causing family problems. Consider that after being bullied, your niece might just be enjoying some alone time where she doesn't have to worry about what others say or do.

 

[DLgal]

Because she's my niece, and I'm concerned because she doesn't have any friends and is staying up all night on the computer. That wouldn't concern you at all?

My son is 13, has NO friends and spends most of his free time on the computer too. He is perfectly happy. He also happens to have autism. He is not a social being, by choice. And that's fine by me! He goes to public school because homeschool would not suit either him or me. He is a straight A, honor roll student. But at school, he basically doesn't socialize at ALL.

Not everyone thrives on social interactions and contrary to popular belief, not everyone needs tons of friends. Unless your niece becomes socially isolated to the point where SHE starts suffering, acting out, or becoming depressed, stay out of it. I'm sure her parents know her and what she needs better than you do, and it's not your business, family or not.