Young teens and driving

[1GoldenSun]

My daughter is almost 15 but she has some older friends, a few of whom will soon be getting driver's licenses. She will want to go out with these friends, and I don't know how I feel about that. Well, I know how I FEEL about it, but I don't know how I should be acting about it.

If you've been in this position, how did you handle your teenager riding in a car with a brand-new driver? Did you have any rules?

I'm kind of thinking no after dark or long distances, at least at first. But does this seem too strict? We'll definitely be having the drinking and driving talk, about how I will come get her anywhere/anytime, no questions asked (ok, maybe a few) if her ride has been drinking.

I just don't know if I'm ready for this! But she'll be getting her own permit in January, and a year later she'll have a license herself, so I guess I better get used to it.

 

[Skywalker]

Yes, it's hard to get used to! With both my boys they had older friends that drove before they did and it scared me to death, but, I figured I can't protect them from normal life and driving around with friends is normal and I did that as a teenager as well. I reminded them that they always have to be with someone whose judgement they trust. I am lucky I guess that they always had nice friends and I thought well, if they earned their licence I have to assume they can drive right lol. I didn't put any restrictions like after dark (they'd have to be home by 4:00 pm at this time of year!) or long distances...accidents can happen around the corner. They are now 20 and 18 and I do still freak a little bit when they are out with friends so what can you do.

 

[Southernmiss]

My daughter is almost 15 but she has some older friends, a few of whom will soon be getting driver's licenses. She will want to go out with these friends, and I don't know how I feel about that. Well, I know how I FEEL about it, but I don't know how I should be acting about it.

If you've been in this position, how did you handle your teenager riding in a car with a brand-new driver? Did you have any rules?

I'm kind of thinking no after dark or long distances, at least at first. But does this seem too strict? We'll definitely be having the drinking and driving talk, about how I will come get her anywhere/anytime, no questions asked (ok, maybe a few) if her ride has been drinking.

I just don't know if I'm ready for this! But she'll be getting her own permit in January, and a year later she'll have a license herself, so I guess I better get used to it.

Many jurisdictions have rules on who teen drivers can give rides to. That's the first place to start.

Know your daughter's friends and their families.

Set your own rules for who she can ride with.

Ask questions
How long has John been driving? What kind of student is he? Who are his parents?

If you don't feel comfortable, don't let her ride with him.

I had an idea of about how long my kids friends had their licenses. Brand new, just got the license 2 weeks ago? Nope. No riding with them.

I am also very careful with who I allow my kids to give rides to. Dd16 has had her license since May. We have allowed her to drive 2 of her very close friends to school. School is on a main state highway 6 miles from us. We set rules for her. Music not too loud, no phone at all, no cutting up.

She has given them rides within our suburban area about a 5 mile radius.

We are gradually widening her circle of where she drives by herself.

It is a slow process, which she is maturing into.

Her older brothers took their siblings to places, but we were as limited on who else the could give rides to as dd.

 

[cvjw]

Check the teen driving rules in your state. They are pretty strict here - we have Joshua’s law which determines how many people under 21 can be in your car and what hours teens can drive.

 

[Toolulu22]

My niece is driving with a junior license at 15. Has to be with an adult at this point, but she’s still a baby to me. First time I drove with her I was mightily impressed. My nephew also began driving at 15 and is now a fully licensed driver (18). He also is careful. It’s scary, but like another poster said, you have to have faith in them. That said, open commication about drinking and responsible driving is smart. The comments others posted are good starting points to consider about riding with others. My nephew, who is now away at college without his truck has an Uber card available in case he does not feel comfortable riding with others.

 

[GAMom2]

We have laws in our state that prevent young drivers from having anyone in the car with them other than a family member for the first six months of getting their license. Then I think only one person that is under 21 for another six months that isn’t family. When my oldest niece starting driving my sister made her keep her learners permit a little longer than the year required to give her more driving time. By the time she was driving her sister and a friend to school every day she was a senior and a good driver. I would be okay with my children (who are younger) riding with a friend under those circumstances but not much else. I’m a worrier and having been in several bad car accidents it’s going to be hard to let my children go out with friends. I’ll probably take the route of my sister and try to make sure my daughter is a good driver in a safe car and not allow her to ride with other teen drivers until I know they have had a decent amount of driving time in.

 

[GAMom2]

Deleted double post.

 

[MrsPete]

I remember this being very hard. It was a little easier for me because I'm a high school teacher, and I knew those slightly-older students. Ask questions: How long has John been driving? Do his parents know he's giving you a ride? Is anyone else going? (The more people in the car, the less likely I was to say yes -- just because teens tend to get loud and pay less attention when they're in bigger groups.) Oh, and I was always more likely to say yes if it was immediately after school /still light outside.

In some ways, it was easier when they started driving themselves. I had more information about my own kids! We took a hint from a friend whose kids were already out of high school, and we made a contract between us and our new driver. It was a GREAT idea. It was something we typed up ourselves, but it started out with a reminder that driving is not a right and the car is ours. Specific rules we included:
- Always obey all state driving rules (lots of people in our area tend to ignore the new-driver regulations about after-dark driving and passengers -- not us). Safety is always paramount.
- We don't condone drinking or drugs, but IF you do have either of these, do not get behind the wheel. Period. Never allow a friend who's been drinking or who has drugs into your car. (This was a high school contract, so anyone who was drinking would've been breaking the law.)
- Aside from driving to school, you must always ask permission /say goodbye /tell us when you're returning.
- If you're late, no car for at least two weeks.
- No giving rides to friends without advanced permission from us AND the other person's parents.
- No texting /phone. If we call you, we understand you may have to reach a parking lot /stop to return our call.
- The car is ours, and if we ask you to run an errand for us or if we need the car for a day (say, because ours is going into the shop) -- it's mandatory.
- Return the car clean.
- Never allow the gas tank to fall below 1/4 a tank.
- We also talked about in detail /even play-acted what to do in case of a wreck.
- You may always, always call us for help. Anywhere. Anytime.

The result: we never had a minute's trouble from either of our teen drivers. The contract stayed on the refrigerator until they finished high school. They knew exactly what we expected, and they didn't want to lose their keys.

 

[dotfurio]

I remember this being very hard. It was a little easier for me because I'm a high school teacher, and I knew those slightly-older students. Ask questions: How long has John been driving? Do his parents know he's giving you a ride? Is anyone else going? (The more people in the car, the less likely I was to say yes -- just because teens tend to get loud and pay less attention when they're in bigger groups.) Oh, and I was always more likely to say yes if it was immediately after school /still light outside.

In some ways, it was easier when they started driving themselves. I had more information about my own kids! We took a hint from a friend whose kids were already out of high school, and we made a contract between us and our new driver. It was a GREAT idea. It was something we typed up ourselves, but it started out with a reminder that driving is not a right and the car is ours. Specific rules we included:
- Always obey all state driving rules (lots of people in our area tend to ignore the new-driver regulations about after-dark driving and passengers -- not us). Safety is always paramount.
- We don't condone drinking or drugs, but IF you do have either of these, do not get behind the wheel. Period. Never allow a friend who's been drinking or who has drugs into your car. (This was a high school contract, so anyone who was drinking would've been breaking the law.)
- Aside from driving to school, you must always ask permission /say goodbye /tell us when you're returning.
- If you're late, no car for at least two weeks.
- No giving rides to friends without advanced permission from us AND the other person's parents.
- No texting /phone. If we call you, we understand you may have to reach a parking lot /stop to return our call.
- The car is ours, and if we ask you to run an errand for us or if we need the car for a day (say, because ours is going into the shop) -- it's mandatory.
- Return the car clean.
- Never allow the gas tank to fall below 1/4 a tank.
- We also talked about in detail /even play-acted what to do in case of a wreck.
- You may always, always call us for help. Anywhere. Anytime.

The result: we never had a minute's trouble from either of our teen drivers. The contract stayed on the refrigerator until they finished high school. They knew exactly what we expected, and they didn't want to lose their keys.

I love this!

 

[dotfurio]

DD's not driving yet, though she's old enough. She's not very eager to and slowly working through the online portion of the course. Her friends have been driving for at least a year.

When they were brand new drivers I wouldn't let her ride with them, but after a few months I relented out of convenience. It was always someplace near, like the school, the local shopping center, movie theater, etc. The driver's parents had to be ok with it, too. It's been about a year of them driving and I've let her go all over town with them. I still won't let her ride with them out of town, though.

 

[gotomu212]

I think it’s a good opportunity to stress personal responsibility and good judgment. Discuss things with them like “you know if you’re ever in a car with someone and they aren’t being safe you can tell them to pull over and get out”. Ask them what they think about their friend’s driving- kids are pretty adapt at knowing who is and isn’t good so saying how is Stacy’s driving? Do you feel safe? And I trust your judgement can go a long way to helping them.

I think the goal should be realizing that they are moving into realms where they are making these decisions and you may not even know (they got from Brian’s house to the movies in Bens car and you were none the wiser for example) and helping them understand how to make good choices and protect themselves is invaluable for driving, parties, dating, college.

If they don’t have cell phones I would absolutely make sure they did now- it’s a life line in a bad situation.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Here, teen drivers aren't allowed to have more than 1 person under 18 with them in the car that isn't a sibling until they have had their license for a year, so I would check on the laws in your state. For me after that, it would depend on who the driver was.

 

[luvsJack]

Letting them have that first taste of freedom whether it’s them driving or them riding with someone else is hard.

I learned to trust their instincts of who they trusted to ride with as none of them would ride with certain friends. But it was hard.

 

[clori]

If your teen driver has younger siblings think about how their friends are when you drive them. For instance my 14 year old has a friend who even over the summer I had to speak to regarding actually wearing his seat belt. He tries to be sneaky and take it off. My older daughter prefers not to give him a ride because she doesn't want that responsibility.

 

[Kimberle]

My daughter is almost 15 but she has some older friends, a few of whom will soon be getting driver's licenses. She will want to go out with these friends, and I don't know how I feel about that. Well, I know how I FEEL about it, but I don't know how I should be acting about it.

If you've been in this position, how did you handle your teenager riding in a car with a brand-new driver? Did you have any rules?

I'm kind of thinking no after dark or long distances, at least at first. But does this seem too strict? We'll definitely be having the drinking and driving talk, about how I will come get her anywhere/anytime, no questions asked (ok, maybe a few) if her ride has been drinking.

I just don't know if I'm ready for this! But she'll be getting her own permit in January, and a year later she'll have a license herself, so I guess I better get used to it.

In our state, you have to be 16 to start the process. Then, after you get your licenses, only parents can ride with the teen the first 6 months. The following 6 months, only parents and siblings. When they have had a license a full year, anybody can ride with them.

Don't feel bad about being to "strict". I know far to many kids that have crashed their cars due to bad driving. We were VERY strict at first, then gradually eased back (GRADUALLY).

 

[1GoldenSun]

The states some of you live in sound safer than Florida. From what I can find, the only restrictions on drivers once they're 16 and licensed is that they can only drive from 6:00am to 11:00pm unless it's for work, then it goes to 1:00am once they're 17, and once they're 18 there are no limitations. Nothing about passengers.

I think we will limit it to riding with people we personally know, and no long distances or after dark driving until they have more experience. I know accidents are just as likely to happen close to home, but I think if you are a new driver, driving in familiar territory is easier. All of her friends live within a few miles of us, and there is a shopping mall, Target, Wal-Mart, plenty of restaurants and coffee shops, a mivie theater, and other places within a reasonable perimeter. So no concerts downtown after dark for now (which is what I think may be what she was hoping for).

Of course, we'll have to wait and see what my husband says about this. This may all be moot!

Thanks for your input, everyone!

 

[Disney_Alli]

I like how you're all talking about only going somewhere close like the movie theater... when I was growing up the movie theater was a 45 minute drive away into the city. Before my sister and I started driving we'd always see a double feature so that my parents could at least make it home before they had to turn around and come pick us up. Once we were driving we had to be responsible and have a cell phone with us at all times. I won't tell you about the accident I had the first time I drove when my parents were out of town... I will say that it genuinely wasn't my fault and that the vehicle inspection the week before should have caught the rotten tires and that everyone was fine. And my parents were impressed with how we handled ourselves during and after the accident. Everything is a learning experience and I think it's probably easiest (easier?) for parents who have very open relationships with their teens. I didn't drive anyone other than my sister very often for the first year or so though - my choice.

 

[meggiebeth]

I’m surprised that you can start driving from as young as 15 in the US. That doesn’t seem old enough to me. In the UK, you can’t drive until you’re 17, so teens may be slightly more responsible at this point. That said, 17 year olds can drink in a lot of places (and by 18 you can buy alcohol) and so driving under the influence of alcohol is a concern.

 

[Disney_Alli]

You can get a permit at age 14 here but need to be 18 to get your full license...

 

[design_mom]

I see you've made your decision, and I think what you're thinking about sounds reasonable.

Ohio also has a rule about passengers when you're in your probationary period. (I believe new drivers are only allowed to have one minor as a passenger unless their parent/guardian is also in the car. This excludes siblings/family members. However, I think that's a "secondary offense," meaning you can't be stopped for JUST that, but they can add it on if you're stopped for something else. There are also restricted driving hours for teens.) My big rule was basically that I had to know where he was going to be and who he was going with -- and I held veto power. I think the only times I really vetoed were if there were going to be too many passengers in the car (it's the law, even if some people choose not to follow it)... and one time when my son and a friend wanted to drive across town to an event in an area neither of them had ever driven before. I nixed it, but when my son called to say he couldn't go after all, he found out that the driver's mom had nixed it too.