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Worst thing you have heard said at a funeral?

Some background information- I provide psychosocial care to children with cancer and their families, from pre-diagnosis through long term follow up or end-of-life care and bereavement. I attend way too many funerals. I also chose to study death; my MS is in thanatology, the study of death & dying. So I'm fairly well-versed in the topic (as much as one can even be, as we really only know so much about it.)

My father's cousin died due to a brain tumor. During her treatment, I spent a lot of time with her teenage children, providing support and just being someone who was present for them. I knew that the youngest one (15 at the time) didn't like her school guidance counselor, but we never really talked about why. At the wake, the guidance counselor came up to the two of us and said something about her mother being in a better place and how she had to be strong for her father (so two huge no-no euphemisms for me in one sentence.) The teen's eyes got wide and her mouth dropped open and she took off, and I couldn't help myself. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like, "I know you mean well, but for us, and especially for C and her siblings and father, her mom is NOT in a better place, as she's not here with us who love her dearly, and please don't perpetuate the being strong thing, as tears are not weakness and grief is something that shouldn't be placed in a box and ignored." Then I went after C, who was ranting and raving about the better place comment, as I knew she'd be. We've discussed it since then, and she does understand that the guidance counselor didn't know what to say and meant well, but it still fires her up years later.

I run into this all of the time with my work, as I also provide consults to adult units for situations where parents or grandparents don't know how to explain illness or death to the children or grandchildren of the patient. A common phrase is "sleeping with Jesus" or "sleeping forever" and that is SO confusing to a child. It may sound peaceful to adults, but to children- especially preschoolers- it can trigger a huge, serious fear of sleeping and of loved ones sleeping. "Better place, "God needed him/her more," etc. are all so confusing and can be traumatic for children to hear, and yet are so often said because people truly do not know what to say.
 
kanne323 said:
Some background information- I provide psychosocial care to children with cancer and their families, from pre-diagnosis through long term follow up or end-of-life care and bereavement. I attend way too many funerals. I also chose to study death; my MS is in thanatology, the study of death & dying. So I'm fairly well-versed in the topic (as much as one can even be, as we really only know so much about it.)

My father's cousin died due to a brain tumor. During her treatment, I spent a lot of time with her teenage children, providing support and just being someone who was present for them. I knew that the youngest one (15 at the time) didn't like her school guidance counselor, but we never really talked about why. At the wake, the guidance counselor came up to the two of us and said something about her mother being in a better place and how she had to be strong for her father (so two huge no-no euphemisms for me in one sentence.) The teen's eyes got wide and her mouth dropped open and she took off, and I couldn't help myself. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like, "I know you mean well, but for us, and especially for C and her siblings and father, her mom is NOT in a better place, as she's not here with us who love her dearly, and please don't perpetuate the being strong thing, as tears are not weakness and grief is something that shouldn't be placed in a box and ignored." Then I went after C, who was ranting and raving about the better place comment, as I knew she'd be. We've discussed it since then, and she does understand that the guidance counselor didn't know what to say and meant well, but it still fires her up years later.

I run into this all of the time with my work, as I also provide consults to adult units for situations where parents or grandparents don't know how to explain illness or death to the children or grandchildren of the patient. A common phrase is "sleeping with Jesus" or "sleeping forever" and that is SO confusing to a child. It may sound peaceful to adults, but to children- especially preschoolers- it can trigger a huge, serious fear of sleeping and of loved ones sleeping. "Better place, "God needed him/her more," etc. are all so confusing and can be traumatic for children to hear, and yet are so often said because people truly do not know what to say.
Click to expand...

So I am very curious — is there something that is generally appropriate to say? Or is it personalized for each situation? I know I want to be comforting, but I don’t think I ever learned the best way...
 
disykat said:
The worst thing was also the best thing. At a funeral for the abusive ex husband of a good friend the minister talked about loving someone who is hard to love. I thought it was very healing for his family and everyone there.

I like it when reality is acknowledged. I have an acquaintance whose father abandoned him and was well known for being difficult. According to Facebook when he died and annually each year on his death anniversary he was a saint.
Click to expand...
Yes, my MIL's funeral was like that. Although she was the recipient of more than her fair share of grace from others, she was an extremely difficult person and everyone knew it, including her pastor. He made respectful but honest reference to it during the service, as did several people that stepped up during "open mic". I agree with you that it was cathartic and left people being able to grieve for her more genuinely without having to deny their own experiences. At one point, two of my sisters-in-law actually high-fived each other and we all understood. :flower3: They'd gotten a much rougher ride from her over the years than I did.
 


I've only been to a handful of funerals, but it seems that something funny happened at all of them (although it wasn't something that was said).

My father-in-law was buried in a very old family cemetery out in the country in Kentucky. All the surrounding land was in the extended family at one time, but by this point most of the family had moved away. This cemetery was still there, and one distant relative still owned and farmed the acreage to one side of it. He was sort of the undesignated overseer for the cemetery. Although there is someone else in charge of maintenance, he keeps an eye on the place. His family is already buried there and there is a place for him. When my husband, kids, and I arrived at the cemetery on the day of the burial, everyone was in a little bit of a tizzy. Apparently the grave diggers had dug the hole in the distant relative's spot, rather than my FIL's. After some discussion, they dug a new hole in the proper location, waited respectfully for the service to end, filled in my FIL's hole, then went back and filled the relative's hole back up. In the meantime, that relative couldn't seem to tear himself away from his own graveside. Maybe it wasn't funny to him, but it was definitely humorous to me the way he stared down into that hole where he would be going someday. I wonder what was going through his mind. It just occurred to me that some people might think this is a little rude or cold of me. I find odd things funny, and I didn't laugh out loud or anything. I think maybe I won't talk about what happened at my grandmother's funeral cause that might make me sound even worse.
 
kanne323 said:
Some background information- I provide psychosocial care to children with cancer and their families, from pre-diagnosis through long term follow up or end-of-life care and bereavement. I attend way too many funerals. I also chose to study death; my MS is in thanatology, the study of death & dying. So I'm fairly well-versed in the topic (as much as one can even be, as we really only know so much about it.)

My father's cousin died due to a brain tumor. During her treatment, I spent a lot of time with her teenage children, providing support and just being someone who was present for them. I knew that the youngest one (15 at the time) didn't like her school guidance counselor, but we never really talked about why. At the wake, the guidance counselor came up to the two of us and said something about her mother being in a better place and how she had to be strong for her father (so two huge no-no euphemisms for me in one sentence.) The teen's eyes got wide and her mouth dropped open and she took off, and I couldn't help myself. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like, "I know you mean well, but for us, and especially for C and her siblings and father, her mom is NOT in a better place, as she's not here with us who love her dearly, and please don't perpetuate the being strong thing, as tears are not weakness and grief is something that shouldn't be placed in a box and ignored." Then I went after C, who was ranting and raving about the better place comment, as I knew she'd be. We've discussed it since then, and she does understand that the guidance counselor didn't know what to say and meant well, but it still fires her up years later.

I run into this all of the time with my work, as I also provide consults to adult units for situations where parents or grandparents don't know how to explain illness or death to the children or grandchildren of the patient. A common phrase is "sleeping with Jesus" or "sleeping forever" and that is SO confusing to a child. It may sound peaceful to adults, but to children- especially preschoolers- it can trigger a huge, serious fear of sleeping and of loved ones sleeping. "Better place, "God needed him/her more," etc. are all so confusing and can be traumatic for children to hear, and yet are so often said because people truly do not know what to say.
Click to expand...
Thank you for This. I’m guilty of saying similar things. I will be more aware in the future
 
Many years before my ex passed away his sister (half sister) passed away. He was the oldest and raised his three younger sisters while his mom worked 3rd shift. He had a different father, but that was never discussed while growing up.

At the funeral his mother caused a scene when the funeral director wanted the “kids” to line up by age for the receiving line. This meant he would have been second in line after the mom. She flipped out ranting that he was only her half brother.

it was truly disgusting. It hurt him for no reason other than she was a mean, nasty woman
 


Don't know anything bad said at a funeral, but I know that when my uncle died, my cousin's husband stayed behind in the house while everyone was at the funeral. He had his rifle and the guard dog with him in case anyone came by to 'help themselves to a momento' while we were all mourning the loss of my uncle.
 
It wasn't a funeral per se, but at a public memorial for a women's basketball player who unexpectedly died from bacterial meningitis. She wasn't a starter, but this sort of thing is shocking for anyone who was just 20 at the time of death. The head coach was named conference coach of the year even with a losing record.

I recognized a few people in the stands, including one very prominent women's basketball coach. She was respectful and stayed extremely quiet. I also recognized an athletic director from another school in the conference. He seemed really restless and annoyed. However, he eventually blurted out to an assistant "When is this thing going to be over?"
 
Mine's very personal, but also not something I hide as burying it doesn't help....

My FIL isn't the most....tactful person ever. He's extremely self-centered and doesn't care what others think about anything. We've had several falling-outs involving my wife's family that stem from his words and actions.

When my father passed in 2010, my (now) wife and I were engaged and planning the wedding and we were both in a lot of pain that my father wasn't going to be there (my wife and my father really loved each other). Fast forward to the funeral, right in front of the casket, my FIL says "You still have a father, you know?" That hurt.....a lot. I mean, I understand that he's trying to be comforting and all but I've never forgiven him for that one.
 
WickstarRunner said:
"You still have a father, you know?"
Click to expand...
My biological parents married very young and sadly my biological Mother died while giving birth to a stillborn baby. I was 18 months old. My biological Father decided that he was unable to care for me, and I was adopted by a paternal Aunt and her husband (my Mother and Father). I saw my biological Father and his new family irregularly throughout my childhood, but we fell out shortly after my first wedding (I had made it clear that he was invited as an Uncle, not as my biological Father, but he would not accept that) and didn’t have any contact for a number of years. I did see him shortly afterwards at a family funeral, but he chose not to acknowledge me or my parents. I digress. When my Father passed away, my biological Father turned up at the funeral. At the graveside, I had just thrown some earth on top of the coffin and had wandered away from the gathering slightly to re compose myself and suddenly my biological Father appeared at my side and said ‘You still have a Father’. I wanted to punch him, but I just walked away. To compound matters, at the wake, he told my children, who knew of his existence but had never met him before, that he was their ‘real’ Grandfather, not the Grandpa they were mourning. Surprise, surprise I never spoke to him again.
The same words as your FIL to be used, but I think your FIL’s words although crass, came from a kind, good place, whereas my biological Father was a self centred moron.
Well I am glad that I got that out of my system this morning!😂
 
My best friends DH passed away, lets say things in life became to much for him... and the things people ask and assume are disgusting, and just down right ignorant...

1) I heard she was having a affair and he must have found out
2) How did he do it, hope it was quick
3) I heard the police questioned her, I heard she was out of town, wonder if she was really out of town...
4) I wonder how much life insurance she gonna get... followed up by do you know how much...
5) Did he have cancer, or whatever... guess he didn't want to fight it..
6) Where did he do at... followed by if was in the house how do they clean that up...
7) So whats she gonna do with all his tools and stuff, I think I am gonna see if I can buy them, I'm sure I can get them for a good price right now..
8) Wow the food everyone is bring is really great, do you think that I can take a plate home, so I won't have to cook later on...
9) Do you know what she going to do with his, truck and boat?
10) Why did he do it, and did he leave a note.

I thought if people are so bold to ask me these things there is no telling what they are asking her to her face...


The worst thing was.... I went into their bedroom to get a sweater for my friend, she asked me to get for her, and his daughter was standing there in the dark with his wallet opened, taking out all the cash and credit cards.. she had taken a couple of his watches, his necklace that my friend had given him years before, his wedding ring, and some other personal items... . to which I just told her she better leave everything on the bed, and get the ---- out of the bedroom... she said, Well my Dad would have wanted me to take his money, his stuff and use his credit cards before she cuts them off... then my Friends sister walked in behind me, and heard what she was saying... and all heck broke loose...my friend son escorted her out of the house.
 
My gramma was one of the most sweet and non-confrontational people you'd have ever met. When she passed away, she was buried from her church. The average age of the congregation was about 800 yo, so the priest was still a fire and brimstone kind of guy. During her funeral, he said, "well, gramma is burning in the fires of purgatory. For how long is anyone's guess." The only reason my brother didn't get up in the middle of the Mass to punch the priest in his face was because he knew our Mom would get mad. Afterwards, she said she probably would have been happy to form a line to keep punching the priest.

At my other grandmother's funeral, my GF, who was very hard of hearing but wouldn't wear hearing aids, says very loudly, "well, now that she's gone, all the other women who want me can come and get me." My Dad walked up and said, "Pop, this isn't the time or place for that." My GF was a handsome man and many women asked my GM if they could "borrow" him for an hour, or so. That wasn't happening while she was alive. Funny thing is that any woman that he was interested in wanted to meet him at the Bonanza Restaurant during the day and then they'd take busses home to their own places.
 
Mine is awkward but funny. My dad's cousin is a priest and he was doing the funeral when my Grandma passed away. She was the last one of her generation to pass away. Pat, the priest, said something like "It's only Aunt Sally left now". The family was all in the front row, so my aunt caught Pat's attention and said quietly "Aunt Sally passed away a few years ago." That was a total shock to Pat, so he said really loudly "What? I had no idea Aunt Sally died."

Now that I typed it all out, it might be one of those "had to be there" moments, but it was just so funny at the time because he was up in the front of the church conducting the funeral.
 
This was several years ago. We were at a funeral for an infant that was stillborn. The couple didn't know that they were expecting twins until the birth. Their son was a stillborn and their daughter was fine. The dad said that if one of his children had to die, he wished it was a daughter instead of a son
 
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