why do people care how many kids you choose to have?

[Ka' eo]

Well.......it is actually 19 kids and counting now!

Oh, and come on, admit it, you are just jealous!

Dawn

OMGosh!!!!!!!! Must - not - speak - further......

Edited to add this.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have 4 but I would never judge anyone else by my insanity!

There are days I would trade places with you in a split second...That said, my nephew is an only and he stays with us when his parents go on vacation(what's one more? LOL). The chaos and sibling "stuff" make him crazy. When his parents come home he thanks them for him being an only!! Yes, my wonderful tactful Mom told me this. My Sis would never tell me for fear of hurting my feelings.

3 out of my 4 are gone to activities right now and there is PEACE....aahhhhh.

LOL - I've had children from small households here be overwhelmed by the amount of kids here, especially when a bunch have playdates. There was one day with over 20 kids here! However, there is also the negative side. A few times a week, I'll have a child come home from an activity, and there are no kids here, and he or she will ask "where are the kids?!" My kids have no idea what to do without some of the other kids here (except dd13, who goes up to her suite on the 3rd floor to text or webcam). It's like they are lost.

 

[ShannonMB]

That Duggar woman must have a uterus of steel, is all I have to say about THAT!!!

I don't consider my DD (an only) spoiled, but there IS a difference in how they are raised, I think, just by simple necessity. The 3 of us are here in the family room, and DD was just using a helium balloon as a punching bag -- punching it, kicking it, doing cartwheels, somersaults, taunting the dog with her nerf gun -- generally rough housing. Then she sits down and says, "Can someone get me some Crystal Light?". The kid is 9 and more than capable of pouring out a drink. But apparently she has gotten just a little too used to us waiting on her. I just told her (since I'm sitting here reading this thread), you know, Lil, if I had 3 other kids, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have the time or energy to get your drink for you. Why don't you go ahead and get it yourself? I'm too tired, she says. Wow, I think I just saw you do a triple sowcow (sp) in the living room!

My friend who has 4 kids has had Lily overnight a few times, and she cracked up when she told all the kids to get their jammies on and Lily comes over and lifts her arms up, like, okay, put my jammies on me! I haven't purposely made her rely on me so much, any more than my friend intentionally made her kids the type who get drinks without their mom even knowing about their current thirst levels. I know parents of onlies can raise their kids to be self-reliant, and I'm working on that. I just think it's an interesting observation on this topic!

 

[Colleen27]

There's no pleasing people when it comes to family size. We had a lot of people make comments when I got pregnant with our third. Apparently since we had one boy & one girl, we were supposed to be done. But then there are others who ask if we're going to "try again" for a boy because although our oldest is DH's son in every way that matters, he isn't his biological child and people seem to assume there's some innate male desire to father a boy guiding our reproductive choices. I've long since learned to ignore the comments from the peanut gallery; DH & I wanted three children, and that's exactly what we have. Who cares what anyone else thinks about it?

 

[mistymouse5001]

I have what I feel is a bunch. Plain and simple. Some days I wish it were less some days more. It is a lot of work. but it is also a lot of

 

[Janea+Twins]

I have two 14-month old boys. My MIL is continously asking me when i am going to have another while my mother is telling me that i am done having kids. She wanted me to get my tubes tied after i had the c-section with the boys...I was only 20 years old for gods sake!! I know she says things out of concern but sheesh. I am constantly telling them that DH and I will be the ones who decide when to add another.

Whenever someone asks me if i want to have anymore and i reply with "YES!! I would love a set of girls next!", their eyes just about pop out of socket. I have never found myself judging people for their choice of the number of kids they have, except for when i see they arent being properly cared for (i have had a family member who never used precautions and could not even take care of the ones she already had).

 

[MomRN]

I am the mother of an only child, but my husband has a child from a previous marriage. She is 15, my son is 3. At times they act like they are 3 and 5, others 13 and 15.

I am about 99% sure I am done. I was never a big fan of the baby stage. I like sleep. A lot.

However, coming from an only on my dads side, where he was an only, I can testify that it would be so nice to have more family help with my elderly grandma at times. It's sometimes too much work for the two of us, but we make do.

 

[natenapril]

Tell her you can't have another because she had 1 too many, so you had to have 1 less to make up for it...thanks alot!
Or, how about you don't need more than 1 - because the one you have is perfect...isn't she worried that her first born is going to think he's not good enough since they felt they had to have 2 more?
My DH has two much older boys..they are grown and in another state, we have our little Becky - she's from China and is turning 7 next week and is all the kid I need!

Really It's late here and so I would like to think I read this wrong? That you didn't mean it as snarky as it sounds?

 

[MSMomTJ]

I think someone is ALWAYS going to have something to say about how many children others have. They have decided the "right" way based on their personal experiences, and there's no stopping them from preaching it to others! And a lot of people are always gonna kinda care what others say, even if they don't want to!

I have a friend who has two boys. She would like a girl, so they've talked about having another child. BUT, she's afraid that if the 3rd child is boy, people will think she doesn't want him. So, she'd kinda rather not have a 3rd so she doesn't have to deal with other people's assumptions.

On the other hand, I have a boy and a girl. Before we had our second, we'd always said we'd have three kids, but now, our family feels just right. To be honest, I feel a little bit of pressure to have another just so people don't think that we stopped because we have a "perfect set". And that's a stupid way to feel!

Btw, I was raised an only child (I do have a half-brother, but he lived with his mom, and I lived my mom. Both of ours moms were divorced from our dad, so we we never lived in the same house.), and I admit to being spoiled, but I was always very appreciative. I think most of it is how the child is raised. I know plenty of horribly spoiled children who are NOT only children. In fact, I don't think I've known any horribly spoiled only kids!!

 

[samshane]

We have 3 - my Dh was an only for 15yrs before his sister came along from his Dad's second marriage and I only have a sister. Seems like in both our families everyone only had 2 children - and then we went and had a third. We heard comments about how 3 was a lot (I didn't think so). And the comments of "trying for a boy" since our first 2 were girls. UGH. Yes, #3 is a boy - but that isn't why we wanted to have a third. To each his own... somedays I think I was crazy to have 3 kids in 3 1/2 yrs and other days I am so happy I did. To each his own - whatever works for you and your Dh.

I have a friend with 6 - and she runs her life like a well-oiled machine, LOL! I envy her organization... I need that.

 

[crysplefty]

You and your hubby, and only the two of you, know what the perfect family size is for you. There are pros and cons of having only one, just as there are pros and cons for having 2,3,4, or more kids. As long as you are supporting your kid/s, no one has a say about how many you have. When I first got married, I thought I wanted 2. Then I decided I wanted 4. Now, with number 3 (DS) due in 6 weeks and my other two being DS4 and DD2, we think this is it for us. I can remember after our daughter was born, a lot of people were saying "you have your perfect set now, so you can stop" and I was like whatever, mind your own business. And if you do change your mind about having another one, then you have to deal with people criticizing you about how far apart they are. That is generally what we get critcized about since our kids are two years apart. So the criticism will always be there whether you have one or more. To me, it is nobody's business how many kids you have and how far apart in age they are as long as you are supporting them.

 

[bas71873]

Tell your MIL that your DD could end up to be gay, then she could carry on the family name. That should shut her up.

I might do this JUST for the reaction alone. Heehee. And on the other hand, she might grow up, marry a man and keep her maiden name. One of my best friends did this and her kids surname is hyphenated. I will love her no matter what she chooses to do as an adult or who she choose to marry. But man, this reply is getting filed away and the next time the subject is brought up, I might zing it right on out there

 

[blanq]

We have 1 child, and I am usually very happy with this decision. We can do lots of stuff with him that we couldn't afford to do if we have another. Me and DH also love spending time alone and are able to do that frequently. While I love my son more than anything else on the planet, I'm not a "supermom" type of mom. I acutally look forward to him becomming an adult and us having a great adult type of relationship! You know, hanging out, drinking beer, and talking politics and stuff.

But why does everyone think it's a bad decision? Recently I was talking with a coworker (3 kids) and she went on and on about how great it was to have them and how I must have more because when I'm 50 I'll regret it and my son will be spoiled (he is by my parents, not by me!) and he'll miss having siblings. Anyway, this totally depressed me and made me doubt our decision. DH is perfectly fine with not having anymore, and he's excited about graduating nursing school next year so we (all of us) can travel the world together.

Seeing the other post about kid #s made me realize that everyone comments on this very personal decision. Like, you're a freak unless you have exactly 2 children, one boy and one girl. Why do they care? Why do they make us doubt our carefully weighed and agonized decision? Is there really a magical # of kids that make life perfect.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I've been bummed ever since my discussion with the person because I don't really feel the desire for another one; and I feel guitly for that!

PS: D1sneyf4n This isn't directed at you, I know you were just curious!

I know what you mean. We have an "only" too. He was born 14 weeks early, weighing 2 lbs, and having many complications. I learned I have an incompetent cervix (TMI...sorry!), so would be at risk for repeating the scenario if I had more children. DH and I decided not to risk it, and felt so blessed with the one child we were given. I will never forget being at a family function, and having my DSIL ask when we were going to have another baby. I told her we were not, and I did not disclose information about my health condition or why we were opting not to add to our wonderful little family. She actually said, and I still cannot believe she said it after 15 years has passed, "Three is not a family". I could not believe that hurtful comment. To me, two is a family. There are many couples who can't have kids, or choose not to have kids, and to me they are a special family just like those families who are 3 or 4 or 10 in total.

 

[Colleen27]

However, coming from an only on my dads side, where he was an only, I can testify that it would be so nice to have more family help with my elderly grandma at times. It's sometimes too much work for the two of us, but we make do.

Yeah, but more kids doesn't necessarily translate into more help. My mom isn't an only and neither am I, but when it came to taking care of my maternal grandmother in her final years, we may as well have been. My aunt moved away when she married someone from another state, and my brother was no help at all.

 

[ebtbmom]

I know what you mean. We have an "only" too. He was born 14 weeks early, weighing 2 lbs, and having many complications. I learned I have an incompetent cervix (TMI...sorry!), so would be at risk for repeating the scenario if I had more children. DH and I decided not to risk it, and felt so blessed with the one child we were given. I will never forget being at a family function, and having my DSIL ask when we were going to have another baby. I told her we were not, and I did not disclose information about my health condition or why we were opting not to add to our wonderful little family. She actually said, and I still cannot believe she said it after 15 years has passed,

"Three is not a family"

. I could not believe that hurtful comment. To me, two is a family. There are many couples who can't have kids, or choose not to have kids, and to me they are a special family just like those families who are 3 or 4 or 10 in total.

Wow, that was pretty insensitive!

I wonder if she would have said this to a woman who's husband had left her with 2 kids, or a man who's wife had passed away and left him with 2 kids. I certainly imagine people in these situations still feel like a family.

Besides, we play with my kid just like we're kids, so he's not lonely.
As a matter of fact, DH is in there right now playing Wii with him instead of helping me make a grocery list like I thought we were going to do (of course, I guess I'm not working on groceries either).

 

[eisforpants]

I'm an only, and I have an only. DH has a sister.

Best part of an only, they are creative and very imaginative. Never ask what an only child is thinking.....because you may have to sit for the next 2 hours while they tell you!!!

And I'll even let you in on a little secret.....horror of horrors.....we homeschool him too!!!!!

So, not only do we get when are you going to have another, we get that whole, he needs to be socialized debate as well.

Sigh

 

[deerhart]

That Duggar woman must have a uterus of steel, is all I have to say about THAT!!!

I don't consider my DD (an only) spoiled, but there IS a difference in how they are raised, I think, just by simple necessity. The 3 of us are here in the family room, and DD was just using a helium balloon as a punching bag -- punching it, kicking it, doing cartwheels, somersaults, taunting the dog with her nerf gun -- generally rough housing. Then she sits down and says, "Can someone get me some Crystal Light?". The kid is 9 and more than capable of pouring out a drink. But apparently she has gotten just a little too used to us waiting on her. I just told her (since I'm sitting here reading this thread), you know, Lil, if I had 3 other kids, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have the time or energy to get your drink for you. Why don't you go ahead and get it yourself? I'm too tired, she says. Wow, I think I just saw you do a triple sowcow (sp) in the living room!

My friend who has 4 kids has had Lily overnight a few times, and she cracked up when she told all the kids to get their jammies on and Lily comes over and lifts her arms up, like, okay, put my jammies on me! I haven't purposely made her rely on me so much, any more than my friend intentionally made her kids the type who get drinks without their mom even knowing about their current thirst levels. I know parents of onlies can raise their kids to be self-reliant, and I'm working on that. I just think it's an interesting observation on this topic!

I would disagree that there is a difference in how onlies are raised versus kids with siblings. If there is a difference, it's only because the parents make it so. I am an only child, my husband is an only child. I can guarantee that if I had said something like your daughter did my mom would have told me sure go get it yourself (which is what I tell my kids). If I had said I'm to tired she would have told me tough. Now, if the person is already up and heading towards the kitchen, well that is a whole nother story!

I also think that no matter how many kids you have, the way you parent your children will be based on two things... how much you were exposed to kids much younger then you growing up and how your parents raised you. If you were never really exposed to lots of different kids much younger then you, its easy to forget at what age kids are capable of doing things.

DH and I have two boys. We would have loved to have three, but due to complications well two is it unless we adopt. We deliberately chose not to raise an only child. Many days it would have been much easier as my boys have two very different personalities and needs that often clash with each other. Looking back its truly amazing that either of my boys is even here.

As for dealing with sibling jealous etc.. you don't have to be an only to have jealousy. One side of my family most of us cousins are very close in age (5 of us all in 6 years) and there was significant competition and jealousy between the families that has brewed and brewed well into our adult years. I had one aunt state that the ONLY good thing about my 2nd child was that he was a boy and not a girl because the ONLY reason I was having another child was to compete with my cousin (who had a girl then a boy, each is like a year or less older then each of my kids). *sigh* no I had my first by accident and my 2nd had been planned out by DH and I as the time frame to which we would have our next child after our first well before we were married!

 

[deerhart]

I will also add that for the first part of my childhood I wished I had a sibling, but that all changed at about 7th to 8th grade. Then I was thankful that I didn't have a sibling. I grew up in a small town and I saw a lot of success. I also saw the expectations that were placed on younger siblings of people who had a lot of success. It was horrible that these younger kids were expected to be just like their older siblings and just as successful and how adults would just make the most horrid comments to these kids instead of seeing or even looking for that child's strengths and successes.

 

[Redpepperflakes14]

I wonder if birth order plays a factor in deciding whether to have one or more children. I also wonder if scarce resources growing up also plays a factor in people's decisions.

A while back I had a discussion with my best friend about this very thing. She wants a house full of kids whereas I will be happy if my husband and I can have just one. She acted as though I was the worst person in the world for only wanting one. She was the coddled 'baby' of the family who was always taken care of by older sibs. I was the oldest and always the built-in babysitter for my two younger sisters (and what seemed like dozens of younger cousins ) Perhaps I am suffering nurture burnout and only have it in me to love my (hopefully ) future one and only (though if I have twins I will be very happy too.)

FYI, I'm not saying at all that the youngest kids in every family gets coddled and never has to do anything, so please no flames. This was just anecdotal to her family.

 

[*Toadstool*]

I feel your pain! Everyone around me keeps telling me how terrible it is that I only have one. I am completely happy with just one. I've dealt with the family name thing too because we are the only ones that could have a boy to carry on the name. Oh well.. Its just a name.