When did you let your child play at another child's house

[Hrhpd]

My DS8 is in 2nd grade. One of the boys in has class has asked him to come to his house and play. A few weeks ago, his mom had sent me a text me to see if DS could come over and I had suggested they play at our house which is what they did. My thing is I don't know these people except for seeing them at a few class functions. They don't live close and the mom got my # from the class contact list. I met the dad when he dropped his son off at our house and both parents seem like very nice people. I've allowed my son to play at neighborhood children's homes and a couple of classmates whose parents I knew very well. I know I am a hover mother, but the world is what the world is. Am I wrong for not letting him to go? When did you allow your kids to go without knowing the parents?

kindergarten

The other parents trusted you enough to allow their child to play at your house.

Return the favor. Give your child a cell phone so they can call you secretly if they are at all uncomfortable, even if it is cheap trac phone.

 

[runsandjumps]

When I have had kids over for the first time I invite the parents in for a minute just to check it out. I would ask if I can come in for a minute to gauge the place and then go from there. If you have already had the kid over I don't see the big deal about letting your kid go there.

I don't always know the people well, but if I have their phone number and address than I'm good.

My oldest is 8 and I wouldn't have a problem with him going somewhere else. Now is a great age- just give him the spiel- manners, weapons, and touching.

 

[Hrhpd]

Not trying to be snarky but it really is not a clean cut answer.. If you have reasons for not being comfortable since you don't know the parents that well then leave it at that.. They get to play at your house which is a nice compromise. For every parent that says you are being paranoid there will be equally as many of us that say to do what you feel comfortable with.. We all have our own reasons for parenting the way we do, don't let anyone guilt you into changing your mind..

So, basically the OP will tell the other parents "I don't trust you enough with my child, so you have to trust me and send your child over to my house."

My kids had friends with parents like that. Their children did not have very many friends left after a few playdates because it was alway so one sided.

 

[Hrhpd]

Well, something's gotta give if she wants to get to know the parents enough to trust them with her kid. She can stay once.

Around here it's pretty easy to get to know people cuz we practically live on top of each other. But that doesn't sound the OP's case.

She can ask.

I agree with the previous poster that said if a mom asked me to stay at a play date in second grade, I would say yes.

But she really wouldn't need to get to know me because her child would never be invited to my house again.

My children's playdates are not my playdates. I don't want to have to entertain too.

 

[Poohforyou]

My DS8 is in 2nd grade. One of the boys in has class has asked him to come to his house and play. A few weeks ago, his mom had sent me a text me to see if DS could come over and I had suggested they play at our house which is what they did. My thing is I don't know these people except for seeing them at a few class functions. They don't live close and the mom got my # from the class contact list. I met the dad when he dropped his son off at our house and both parents seem like very nice people. I've allowed my son to play at neighborhood children's homes and a couple of classmates whose parents I knew very well. I know I am a hover mother, but the world is what the world is. Am I wrong for not letting him to go? When did you allow your kids to go without knowing the parents?

So another parent is supposed to trust you enough to allow her child to play at your house but you won't extend that same trust and allow your child to play to her house?

My daughter was playing at other kid's houses without me since preschool.

 

[Bamagirl43]

So, basically the OP will tell the other parents "I don't trust you enough with my child, so you have to trust me and send your child over to my house."

My kids had friends with parents like that. Their children did not have very many friends left after a few playdates because it was alway so one sided.

No. What I will tell other parents is "let's get together and go to the park, get ice cream, or whatever". That way I know a little bit about you and you about me. I wouldn't fault a parent one bit for opting for a "get to know you first" meeting. In fact, that's what I would expect and prefer. When my DD15 was younger, this was the procedure. It always worked well. I got to know her friends' parents and vice versa. They all grew up together and I always knew she was safe and well supervised. In this situation with my son, I got put behind the eight ball.

 

[aprilgail2]

3? On the list of kids to avoid were those who's parents wanted to stay (by that age, play dates were beneficial, keeping kids occupied - no one wants to entertain).

I had that happen to me once- I think it was about 1st grade and
by then mine had been to many houses without me and to sleepovers too- but this one mom came in and next thing I knew she was taking off her coat! I had a bunch of paperwork that needed to get done which was why I wanted someone to keep my daughter occupied in the first place. Now I had to sit there and entertain the mom- that was the last time we invited them over, I know many other parents said the same thing- play dates for that child fizzled out quick!

kindergarten

Return the favor. Give your child a cell phone so they can call you secretly if they are at all uncomfortable, even if it is cheap trac phone.

That is what I did starting in kindergarten, I had a cheap flip phone as an extra phone so I used to stick that in my daughters pocket when she went on play dates.

 

[marcyinPA]

I have never understood the logic that said my child can go to your house, but yours cannot come to mine. I am supposed to trust you with my child? Why should I trust you more than you trust me? That rubs me the wrong way. If we all took that attitude, there would be some lonely kids out there.

I totally agree with you. If there are red flags, by all means, you don't send your kid there. But if there is no real reason not to, I don't get why you wouldn't? By the time my boys were 8, they knew if a situation became uncomfortable, they were to call me to pick them up. But they never had to. They were always fine.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm amazed that someone is actually asking this about a 2nd grader! From pre-K on my kids have gone to friends' homes and vice versa and I didn't always know the parents well. I think the whole "knowing the parents" thing is rather silly anyway, because *anyone* can be on their best behaviour for a couple of hours so what are you really learning about the family by insisting the kids play at a park with all the parents present or hanging out during playdates? Once kids get to school age, the focus needs to shift more towards teaching the child how to be safe rather than trying to control everything/everyone he comes in contact with.

 

[Dee77]

So, basically the OP will tell the other parents "I don't trust you enough with my child, so you have to trust me and send your child over to my house." My kids had friends with parents like that. Their children did not have very many friends left after a few playdates because it was alway so one sided.

My only point was that when it comes to a parents' comfort level with their child, it's unusual to think that strangers on the internet suddenly can convince you to overlook your concerns. At least by having the kid over to her house then her child doesn't lose out on time with a friend.. I never said it was an arrangement that needed to go on forever...

 

[DopeyDame]

I guess for me, it was because I got put on the spot. They trusted me, but there was no reason to. With other parents, we've always taken time to get to know each other first. I wouldn't fault a parent who doesn't know me for not leaving their kid with me. We don't have a small school where everyone knows each other so I have nothing to go on.

I think you've already passed up an ideal opportunity to get to know the other family. Given that the other family already invited your child once, what you should have done is then taken it upon yourself to arrange a "get to know you" playdate if you felt that was necessary.

You had their child in your house already - so you know the kid at least reasonably well. Assuming the child was normally behaved and there are no red flags or actual reasons for concern, it seems pretty helicoptery not to let your daughter go to their house. And if you - TWICE - turned down an invitation to my house and instead suggested something else, I'd assume that you had some sort of problem with me or my house and probably wouldn't be inviting your child over again.

 

[pryncess527]

I'm amazed that someone is actually asking this about a 2nd grader! From pre-K on my kids have gone to friends' homes and vice versa and I didn't always know the parents well. I think the whole "knowing the parents" thing is rather silly anyway, because *anyone* can be on their best behaviour for a couple of hours so what are you really learning about the family by insisting the kids play at a park with all the parents present or hanging out during playdates? Once kids get to school age, the focus needs to shift more towards teaching the child how to be safe rather than trying to control everything/everyone he comes in contact with.

Agreed.
If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to my son. I'd make sure he knew he could call me if he felt uncomfortable, and would ensure he had the means to do so. When I was a kid, my mom and I set up a code so I could call her without the other person knowing that I was uncomfortable. I only had to use that code once because the family just gave me a wierd vibe.

 

[deedeetoo]

I guess I'm more trusting that many. I never did anything purposefully to meet the parents of my kids friends, though of course it often happened just in the course of things.

Once my kids started school (kindergarten) they were allowed to go on playdates to other kids houses. In most cases I didn't know the parents. Typically we would receive a phone call from the mom asking if ds or dd could come over after the school the next day. Our schools let kids take another bus home with a note, so I would just send a note saying dd is going on bus 5 today to go over S's house. Then I would get the address and pick up after 5 when I got off work (yes I always made sure they knew I would be that late). I would often first meet the parents when I picked up my kid.

 

[HM]

Your child is old enough to be able to tell you if there were any problems when at someone else's house. He's also old enough to know what is right and wrong. Let him play.

 

[verleniahall]

From the Kids Point of view:

I was THAT KID whos parent ALWAYS wanted to stay and NEVER wanted me out of their sight.

I had 1 play date. I was in 2nd grade. My mom INSISTED on staying over. That got around FAST.

I was not invited ANYWHERE until I was in 6th grade. It was very hurtful on so many levels, epsically when kids would talk about the sleepovers that all the other girls were invited too - except the girl with the mom who wanted to hover.

Just a perspective from that point of view. I was really withdrawn after that, and I had to go through some therapy to deal with it becuase I wouldn't talk to my mom about it, becuase I didnt want to hurt HER.

 

[sam_gordon]

I would definitely let my 8yo go to a friend's house, really regardless of how well I know the parents. And there is NO way I'd try to stay. By 8yo, I'm not expecting kids to need much parental supervision. If my kids have friends over, I'm going to be doing my own thing. I'm not going to want to entertain you for two hours (or however long the "play date" is).

When I pick my child up I'll ask them if they have fun and want to come back at some point.

IMO, you're being too protective OP. Land that helicopter.

 

[nugov2]

I would definitely let my 8yo go to a friend's house, really regardless of how well I know the parents. And there is NO way I'd try to stay. By 8yo, I'm not expecting kids to need much parental supervision. If my kids have friends over, I'm going to be doing my own thing. I'm not going to want to entertain you for two hours (or however long the "play date" is).

When I pick my child up I'll ask them if they have fun and want to come back at some point.

IMO, you're being too protective OP. Land that helicopter.

Best line!

I agree with what you said. If you are nervous OP, let your child go for a short amount of time(2 hrs) and go pick him up. If it is good extend the playdate. I can't imagine at 8 wanting to stay and as others have already stated you aren't going to learn anymore about a family by playing at the park or going for ice cream than you would in the 5 minutes you step in the house and chat with the parents when you drop off/pick up. No parent is going to say hey I'm an alcoholic at the park and most who are hiding big secrets like that are good at it and certainly aren't going to reveal that at the ice cream store. Your child playing there for a short amount of time will give you the best view inside the house.

 

[Minnesota!]

honestly? before kindergarten. And, I don't know the parents well, either. It's not a big concern of mine.

 

[Bamagirl43]

Thanks for all your responses. Dee77, you were spot on. .

 

[ReneeA]

I'm amazed that someone is actually asking this about a 2nd grader! From pre-K on my kids have gone to friends' homes and vice versa and I didn't always know the parents well. I think the whole "knowing the parents" thing is rather silly anyway, because *anyone* can be on their best behaviour for a couple of hours so what are you really learning about the family by insisting the kids play at a park with all the parents present or hanging out during playdates? Once kids get to school age, the focus needs to shift more towards teaching the child how to be safe rather than trying to control everything/everyone he comes in contact with.

This is my thought as well. My kids began having play dates in kindergarten and I went on faith and word of mouth. By the second grade, you knew who you could send your kids with. If a parent asked if they could stay, it would be the last invite ever. I work nights as a nurse, my days off are my days to catch up on cleaning and laundry, which were good days to have friends over to occupy my kid. I have no desire to entertain an overprotective mother while trying hide the fact that my house is dirty and I'm exhausted because I've worked 4 nights in a row.