What have we gotten ourselves into :(

[robinb]

Unfortunately for children adopted internationally, it may not be that simple. It's a *really* good sign that she has a passport. I would make replacing that priority number 1, since it's the only easily accessible document that proves her citizenship.

She *may* need the other documents to get a replacement though.

 

[mousefan73]

in regards to herNBC, passport, so card - the police certainly CAN tell them to turn them over. She is over 18 and they legally belong to her

Also as far as I know an US passport is actual property of the US state department and must be surrended to an official when requested.. Seriously contact the local state department. They do not mess around with lost/stolen passports

Edit: just checked mine and it's clear and states in it, that the passort is property of the US government and must be surrendered when requested.

 

[verleniahall]

Also as far as I know an US passport is actual property of the US state department and must be surrended to an official when requested.. Seriously contact the local state department. They do not mess around with lost/stolen passports

Edit: just checked mine and it's clear and states in it, that the passort is property of the US government and must be surrendered when requested.

This is great news for the OP

 

[Smuggs]

Report the passport Lost/Stolen and get her a new one

 

[design_mom]

Report the passport Lost/Stolen and get her a new one

Except she'll need proof of citizenship to get a replacement passport... and she currently doesn't have that. As an international adoptee, it might be a lot more difficult than ordering a copy of her birth certificate from the vital statistics office.

 

[starry_solo]

Unfortunately for children adopted internationally, it may not be that simple. It's a *really* good sign that she has a passport. I would make replacing that priority number 1, since it's the only easily accessible document that proves her citizenship.

Ah, didn't notice the adoption internationally. Then definitely get a replacement passport.
Still, an international adoption has to go through hoops in the U.S. to be recognized. So, with a passport, that means they went through those hoops

 

[OKW8297]

OP kudos for being kind. For being an example of the true spirit of Christmas.

 

[Karin1984]

I was wondering how you were doing, OP. I reported a possible child neglect case in my neighbourhood last weekend and had to think of you. I hope you and your family, plus your friend had a quiet holiday and were able to take a step back and relax.

 

[Msbmommy99]

I am following this. OP thanks for being kind and helping someone in need. Hope things are going well for you!!!!!!! Can you please update us?

 

[motherof5]

Perhaps I made the mistake of reaching out in my desperate state. I do apologize if I was not clear on something or misrepresented the situation. The last thing I need is self righteous selfish people that I allow to get to me. The world has enough. SO MOVE ALONG! If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Happy Holidays! Hope you feel satisfied now that you have given everyone your opinion.

We are NOT asking for any money to live here. We asked that she pay for her personal needs. I applaud her for joining a gym to get her hurt out in a productive manner. Unfortunately, she was taken advantage of and it cost her some money.

I am just as much a problem with how I am handling this situation. I need to be tougher and not baby her. I need to not look at her like a victim. We did not realize what the situation was and now need to set rules, responsibilities, and goals. And, stick to them.

Yes this whole situation is taking a toll on me and my family. But we would never turn our back on someone who was in need and shame on those who would not at least try to help someone in need and send her back into an abusive home. I know that she is not lying to us. I am being manipulated but I am not being firm adult. I took care of my parents for years, so pushing myself beyond my limits is normal for me.

For those that care and won't be mean: After a therapy session and a great deal of talking, things are becoming clearer and us as a family are learning how to help. I need to set boundaries and stick with them. I need to stop treating her like a helpless victim. ie her grandmother stole her check again from the church....friend blamed herself for letting it happen again. I reassured friend that it was not her fault. DH reminded me that friend was instructed/reminded/guided to do direct deposit or speak with the church secretary about not giving her paycheck to family members and friend did not. So, YES! It was her fault. I did not see that bc I am so out of my mind with worry and exhaustion. The possibility of friend having a processing disorder is being discussed. She was able to attain a regular HS diploma without any special services, so there are lots of questions. Stress and Trauma disorders are also being discussed. Please remember I/we are not a doctor. Even though, I have worked with the mentally ill, I am not qualified to treat her. I must defer to those that are professionally trained. I must remind myself that I help when I am firm with expectations. I do not know how we raised a self sufficient bright capable child and I am a total softy when it comes to friend.

The military is still her plan. I have my doubts but having a goal that she set is a positive step. It is all about her processing her abuse, using coping skills, re-learning how to interact with people (not being afraid to speak and knowing that she can think {have her own ideas}). Laughter is not always a result of a positive response/reaction. She may have laughed, but it doesn't mean that she was laughing at me.

She still has not retrieved her belongings and after seeing her bedroom furniture out for the garbage men, I doubt that they still have her clothes and personal items. She still does not have her passport, BC or SS card. The police can not FORCE the parents to give them to her. We can't force her to get those items. She is afraid. She still loves her family despite everything.

I am just beyond tired and very sensitive. The last month has been a nightmare, exhausting, scary and emotional and I am letting people make me feel bad for trying so hard to be a good person. Thanks to those that made me not feel alone in this situation. (It is a small town and I can't share what is really going on bc it is not my place to air dirty laundry to those that know the family). I have read the suggestions and I yes I do need to be tougher. Yes, I do need to know more about her family life , but I can not ask her parents bc they have blocked me on social media, and knowing what they did to a child means they will lie to save themselves. I do not feel that reaching out to them now would do any good. If her family had concerns about their child, they know where she is and have not called us, reached out or said anything. But, they have said lies about friend which I have personally heard them say. I appreciate the insight into Russian adopted children. I have no doubt that her basic needs were not met as an infant.

Everyone have a magical holiday season and know that a bit of kindness goes along way and can make a difference.....

You seem like a nice person doing something good for someone that everyone would ignore. God Bless you and do what you feel is best for you and your family. Try not to burn yourself out. I hope it all works out.

 

[sailorstitch]

I haven't read the whole thread yet. I'll do that tonight. For now I just want to say that stories like these make me sick to my stomach. My dad was controlling and manipulative. He tried to control everything down to what I wore and what I watched on tv. But I didn't let him. I fought him tooth and nail everyday until he died.

 

[Gitts2008]

UPDATE!

She left today for boot camp! She is officially in the military and she is their problem now.

We have failed completely in helping her. All that we did was allow her to remain a stunted individual. She had no interest in learning how to be an adult. She had no desire to address the abuses that she suffered. She did not want to learn how not to be a victim. She did not want to learn how to cook. She did not want to learn how to feed herself. She did not want to learn how to manage a household. She did not want to learn how to manage money. She did not want to do anything but be a victim. She stopped going to therapy. She had no job. She was a lazy sack of ^&*^ and complained about everything. Eventually she stayed on and off with a family friend of hers. This family gave her money and permitted her to remain a useless member of society.

As a family we held tight and strong. She had been staying with us for the last 3 weeks because the other family was getting on her nerves. She continued to be antagonistic because that is all that she knew. Her family continued to treat her poorly, she allowed it, then would complain about it.

We kept her from the physical abuse but she thrived on the emotional abuse and drama that she would create or engage in with her family. We eventually had to let go of the idea that she came to us for help. Her family are deplorable people. I had the opportunity to have lunch with ALL of them (except the mom and dad) and I let them know "If I had known about the physical and emotional abuse. I would have removed those children. I do not know how any adult would not protect a child." NONE of them got that I was attacking them for sitting by while 2 children (she and her brother) were being abused. I left the lunch early because they disgusted me.

We let her take advantage of our kindness. She left us to pack up her belongings, which so far is at 6 storage containers. She has more clothes, jackets, and shoes than I have at this time. I keep reminding myself that we tried. Thank you for letting me vent when she first moved in with us. I do apologize that I walked away from Dis-boards. I was so beaten down and the few negative people really got to me.

We leave in 32 days for my birthday trip, DD's HS graduation trip, DH's 50th celebration trip, and our anniversary trip. Just knowing that I would be waking up in Disney on my birthday kept me going.

Thank you again for making me not feel so alone in this mess. It helped.

In case she gets "separated" (expelled) from the Navy she is NOT welcomed back. She refused to help herself. And, we tried to get her help, help her function, and see that family members DO NOT abuse each other.

 

[barkley]

UPDATE!

She left today for boot camp! She is officially in the military and she is their problem now.

We have failed completely in helping her.

NO YOU DID NOT.

she is in a better situation than the one she came to you from.

don't beat yourself up. it was a difficult if not impossible situation to be in.

take a deep breath, relax...............make your home YOUR home once again.

 

[robinb]

{{hugs}} to you. You tried and she was not ready. I hope that she will respond well to being in the military. From what you say, it sounds like a crap shoot.

 

[wgeo]

Thanks for the update OP - and thanks for trying. What you did was an amazing thing, whether it resolved in a way you hoped it would or not - you still did an amazing thing.

Hopefully given enough time and maturity this girl will realize what you were trying to teach her. But you aren't responsible for that. You tried, you did your best and NOW you get to look forward to some great times. Hope your upcoming trips are wonderful.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

OP, you can never fail when you do the right thing! You were good and kind and compassionate and even though the outcome wasn't good, what you did was good.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

She’s lived her entire life in abuse and dysfunction, you can’t expect all of the damage from that to be undone in just a few months. The farther she gets from her family and the longer she stays out of that toxic environment, the better things will get for her. In that respect, you started the ball rolling.

 

[Karin1984]

Being in the military is probably the best that could happen to her. She will have to learn how to take care of herself there and learn to listen and not laze around.
You set an example and showed a way out, but she wasn't ready yet. It will take time, but I hope that someday she will be able to look back and see what you try to do for her. It's probably too early for her to see any perspective.

Thank you for the update and I hope you will have an amazing trip!

 

[cayennews]

Congratulations! Take your home back and enjoy your family! I hope you have a great trip and a happy birthday!

You did not fail her. You can only lead a horse to water. I think she is going to have a rude awakening in the military when they expect her to do everything for herself. Hopefully she will learn something from the experience.

 

[crazylady]

Sounds like hell. Have you changed your locks? I hope you have a relaxing trip; you earned it!