Vent: Other parents fussing at your kids...?

[rigs32]

P.S. Anyone else dislike the widespread use of so many labels and generalisations, like Gen This, That & The Other?!

It's a shorthand that can help frame the person's perspective. Not all people of a generation act the same or were raised the same, but there is SUCH a different between Gen X latchkey kids and Millenial/Gen Z kids who've only ever had helicopter parents.

I have friends who still hire babysitters for their teens and I was annoyed with my parents that the hired a sitter for me the summer I was 11 in the weeks before and after summer camp. In my view, I got home from school alone and was in the house alone for a few hours every day. Why would two weeks of being home alone during work hours be any different? Compare that to my friends who haven't been to a concert since their first child was born 13 years ago, in part because the babysitter they hired doubled the cost of the evening out.

 

[mjkacmom]

It's a shorthand that can help frame the person's perspective. Not all people of a generation act the same or were raised the same, but there is SUCH a different between Gen X latchkey kids and Millenial/Gen Z kids who've only ever had helicopter parents.

I have friends who still hire babysitters for their teens and I was annoyed with my parents that the hired a sitter for me the summer I was 11 in the weeks before and after summer camp. In my view, I got home from school alone and was in the house alone for a few hours every day. Why would two weeks of being home alone during work hours be any different? Compare that to my friends who haven't been to a concert since their first child was born 13 years ago, in part because the babysitter they hired doubled the cost of the evening out.

My 21 started babysitting a family with 2 sons when she was 14, and then dd19 took over, the oldest is now a freshman in HS and they’re still asked to babysit when they’re home from college, even during afternoons.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

but there is SUCH a different between Gen X latchkey kids and Millenial/Gen Z kids who've only ever had helicopter parents.

Except that many of the people my age were latchkey kids themselves. Younger Millennials perhaps slightly differently but elder and middle ones def. were depending on the family situation.

My mom worked 2 jobs and I often came home to an empty house. My mom also went to the clubs on the weekends and although I had babysitters when I was really young not so much as time went on. My sister was 3 years older than I (she's a Millennial as well) and sure when I was young she babysat every now and then but not after a while, she went off and did her own thing.

I did not under any circumstances grow up under helicopter parenting.

This reminds me of the conversations from earlier in the pandemic (I've removed portions of the tweets due to language)








It's just something people have to keep in mind, everyone, when discussing generations.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

My 21 started babysitting a family with 2 sons when she was 14, and then dd19 took over, the oldest is now a freshman in HS and they’re still asked to babysit when they’re home from college, even during afternoons.

Wow. I carried a house key on a chain around my neck from the time I was seven and took care of myself in an empty house. Not that that’s ideal either, but I can’t fathom hiring a babysitter for a (neurotypical) kid who is 3-4 years away from a being a legal adult.

 

[DLgal]

Wow. I carried a house key on a chain around my neck from the time I was seven and took care of myself in an empty house. Not that that’s ideal either, but I can’t fathom hiring a babysitter for a (neurotypical) kid who is 3-4 years away from a being a legal adult.

Some teens can't be trusted to stay home alone for various reasons. They may have a mental health issue and might be at risk of self harm. They might be a troublemaker who likes to sneak into the liquor stash. Maybe they will invite friends over and get into trouble. Perhaps they have anxiety and are afraid of being home alone. Maybe they have health issues that require having someone around to make sure they are okay. There are plenty of reasons why. People know their own kids.

 

[VandVsmama]

A few thoughts to consider:

• sounds like you're both new sets of parents (you & spouse + the SIL)
• re: the baby shrieking while your toddler is napping - honestly, there's not really much you'll be able to do about that. If you decide to have more kids, get used to the noise during nap time. Also, if your kids are in daycare/do end up in daycare down the road, there's babies/toddlers making noise during nap time ALL. THE. TIME. Use a white noise machine in the room as a quick fix. There's app available now for mobile devices, so you could use that for the remaining 2 days that SIL is there visiting.
• Re: your SIL making that idiot brag comment about her brilliant baby during your toddler's occupational therapy session at your house - Honestly, the only person who comes out looking like a horse's you-know-what on that is your SIL. I guarantee you that the occupational therapist probably went back to the office afterwards and said to everybody, "Get a load of this horrible relative I encountered at my client's house today." I'm sorry to be blunt, but new parents who are insecure do the sort of thing that your SIL did.
• Your SIL needs to get a clue. There's no special award at high school graduation because your baby started walking early, was potty trained fresh out of the womb, etc. But she's probably a new first time mom, is anxious that she's not doing things right, and feels the need to compare her mom skills to every other mom she encounters. She needs to take a chill pill.
• IF there's a 'next time' where your SIL is present for the in-home OT session w/your toddler and IF she says a "horse's butt" comment like that again, an effective way to get somebody like that to shut up is to calmly say something like, "I can't believe you just said that out loud." Or go full out and look at them straight in the eye and say, "That's great. Now if you don't mind, my kid is having an OT session right now and this isn't about you."
• If SIL is there for a week and she's already been there 5 days, that means you only have 2 days left.
• Something tells me that you won't be so eager to have her stay for an entire week next time.
• Everything you've described about the 1 yr old & 2 yr old interactions sounds pretty normal to me. TOTALLY normal for the 1 yr old to just go up and grab. TOTALLY normal for the 2 yr old to get upset about it. It's up to the ADULTS present (regardless of whose kid is theirs) to police the situation, redirect the kids, etc. And if need be, separate the kids for a 2 min time out.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Some teens can't be trusted to stay home alone for various reasons. They may have a mental health issue and might be at risk of self harm. They might be a troublemaker who likes to sneak into the liquor stash. Maybe they will invite friends over and get into trouble. Perhaps they have anxiety and are afraid of being home alone. Maybe they have health issues that require having someone around to make sure they are okay. There are plenty of reasons why. People know their own kids.

Okay but are you really going to trust a babysitter to handle these things? Just like you said on the food thread about food allergies this is the exact same. I can't imagine a parent who knows their child has mental health issues could be at risk for self harm, sneaks into the liquor stash (although come on many teens do this) or has health issues is hiring the kid next door to take care of them. If you're going with that train of thought the parents would be highly neglectful for hiring someone so ill trained and not licensed to handle that. What kind of parent puts that sort of liability on someone else like that?

I'm sure the PP was meaning the general sense of an individual that old having babysistters. If there's issues that necessitate careful watching at that age, you better get someone more equipped than the an average babysitter.

 

[magik]

My opinion, I have a right to call out and or reprimand any person, any age if they are misbehaving in a way that affects my enjoyment also of public places, insults me or causes harm/insult to others. If this takes place in a public place, private home with parents present or not, it doesnt matter to me.

This is where I’m at too. If the kid’s grownups are present, I will give their own grownups the chance to handle the situation (which in the OP’s situation, sounds like she did, just not to the sister-in-law’s liking) but if they don’t, I will say something to the kid directly. I don’t want to call out a kid, especially if they’ve got a grownup present, but I’m not going to allow someone else’s kid’s obnoxious behavior negatively affect my enjoyment of a public place. I try not to be mean about it, but the stern “teacher voice” has had to make an occasional appearance. And I have a pretty high tolerance for normal kid behavior, so it’s generally very obnoxious if I say something.

 

[PollyannaMom]

OP, I'm with you in thinking this is just the kids learning to play with navigate around each other, and it's best to be as hands-off as you can while keeping a close eye and separating them before anything gets too out of control.

That said, there were a lot of cousins close in age when my DS was small, and we did pretty much have a "nearest grown-up" policy at family gatherings, where whoever noticed a problem first would say something to whichever kid(s) and the kids knew they were expected to listen. It was helpful, because the more chaotic it gets, the less chance you have of seeing something yourself. - But my SILs and I talked about that ahead of time and were on the same page. It might not be right for every family.

Also, the comment at OT was very insensitive! (But I generally chalk things like that up to stupidity over malice, because that way they don't keep eating at you.)



To the general sharing discussion - I do think balance is needed. I expected mine to share "playroom toys" with company, but you could keep things you weren't comfortable sharing in your room.

 

[leebee]

"Nearest grown-up policy"... I like that. It's pretty much how things were growing up in the 60s. There were about 10 little girls from 5 families in our neighborhood, and we played all over the place, in each others' yards. You knew that if Mrs. Barker said "enough" you'd better shape up; she was in charge because we were playing in her yard. Same with family gatherings. DH is one of 7 siblings, so you can bet that it got pretty noisy and pretty crazy with 14 or so kids playing together at the same time. If Uncle Bill roared, "Knock it off" from the TV room, the rest of the adults in the kitchen would sigh in relief- we trusted Billy had it under control. Nearest grown up policy, so everyone shares responsibility and gets a break. These stories have become family legend, of course. There was the time the 5 oldest boys were having some sort of brawl in the yard during a 4th of July gathering so Uncle John turned the hose on them, or the time Nick (17 months) beaned Sarah (14 months) with a toy truck (hard enough to leave a bruise). Sarah cried, which scared Nick so HE cried, and Aunt Chris handled it. These are the kind of family interactions we all laugh about now, as adults. Hopefully, OP, you and yours will get to this point also.

 

[JLTraveling]

The one thing that stuck with me from when my kids were small was the woman that came up to me unsolicited at the mall food court to explain that I really should be making my own baby food and not using that garbage they sell at the grocery store.

Unsolicited advice is I think just as annoying as unsolicited discipline.

What strikes me about this is that it happened at a Mall Food Court! Maybe she shouldn't be eating the garbage they sell there if she wants to lecture people about food quality. Not judging, I love the stuff. But food courts aren't exactly a poster child for healthy eating lol

 

[kdonnel]

What strikes me about this is that it happened at a Mall Food Court! Maybe she shouldn't be eating the garbage they sell there if she wants to lecture people about food quality. Not judging, I love the stuff. But food courts aren't exactly a poster child for healthy eating lol

I guess she could have just been walking through.

Whenever I see a kid crying or misbehaving in public I am tempted to channel her persona and explain to the parents that perhaps their child is hungry or needs a nap.

I don't though because I am a decent person.

 

[pfp258]

I agree when it comes to kids outside the family. Like at the park, I wouldn't make my kids share with a stranger. But they dang sure will share with their sibling. And if they can't, well neither of them gets to use it. My boys are 2.5 yrs apart and even at 8 and 11 they still do this sometimes. I wonder if it ever stops lol

Children should not be forced to share. If I am using something you cannot come to me and say “share” and I am expected to give up my turn. We should be teaching children to say, “I’m using it now” or “I’m not finished with my turn”. “You can have it when I’m done”.

 

[shh]

Things are very different now, so as a grown up I don't really say things to kids who aren't mine but there are family members who do absolutely nothing to intervene in their kids behavior and both them and the kids are obnoxiously sensitive to anyone else's attempts to establish boundaries. That is bs in my opinion.

It's 1000x worse when you don't have kids. Family members with kids seem to think people who aren't parents have no clue, rights or say over anything kid-related, even when their children are out of control, so I tread very carefully.

In public, when a stranger's little darlings are out of control, ruining my restaurant meal, movie experience, etc and they couldn't seem to care less, I don't feel it's right to correct the child directly, but have tried to politely ask the parents to intervene. After getting nasty attitude too many times, I no longer give them that courtesy.

I now make a beeline for the folks paid to deal with this crap - the manager or other person in charge. Either they make it stop or make accommodations to move us/mitigate the experience.

 

[luv2cheer92]

It's a shorthand that can help frame the person's perspective. Not all people of a generation act the same or were raised the same, but there is SUCH a different between Gen X latchkey kids and Millenial/Gen Z kids who've only ever had helicopter parents.

I have friends who still hire babysitters for their teens and I was annoyed with my parents that the hired a sitter for me the summer I was 11 in the weeks before and after summer camp. In my view, I got home from school alone and was in the house alone for a few hours every day. Why would two weeks of being home alone during work hours be any different? Compare that to my friends who haven't been to a concert since their first child was born 13 years ago, in part because the babysitter they hired doubled the cost of the evening out.

I would say Millenials are much, much closer to Gen X in that regard than Gen Z. Plenty of us millennials were latchkey kids in the 90s (including me, my siblings, and most of my friends).

I feel like there are a lot of people that don't realize how old Millenials are.

 

[sipnride]

"Nearest grown-up policy"... I like that. It's pretty much how things were growing up in the 60s. There were about 10 little girls from 5 families in our neighborhood, and we played all over the place, in each others' yards. You knew that if Mrs. Barker said "enough" you'd better shape up; she was in charge because we were playing in her yard. Same with family gatherings. DH is one of 7 siblings, so you can bet that it got pretty noisy and pretty crazy with 14 or so kids playing together at the same time. If Uncle Bill roared, "Knock it off" from the TV room, the rest of the adults in the kitchen would sigh in relief- we trusted Billy had it under control. Nearest grown up policy, so everyone shares responsibility and gets a break. These stories have become family legend, of course. There was the time the 5 oldest boys were having some sort of brawl in the yard during a 4th of July gathering so Uncle John turned the hose on them, or the time Nick (17 months) beaned Sarah (14 months) with a toy truck (hard enough to leave a bruise). Sarah cried, which scared Nick so HE cried, and Aunt Chris handled it. These are the kind of family interactions we all laugh about now, as adults. Hopefully, OP, you and yours will get to this point also.

This is great. Reminds me of the time me and my cousins thought it'd be fun to throw around my parents albums like they were Frisbees. We destroyed a dozen or so records before my pop's youngest brother, the fun one who was more likely to join in on shenanigans than to interrupt them, let out a horrifying roar. Promptly had us clean everything up and ordered us to sit on the couch and watch TV. None of us moved for what felt like hours. My parents, who no doubt heard the entire commotion, never even felt the need to come talk to us, though I certainly endured a lot of sarcastic ribbing in the many decades since whenever one of the lost songs came up on the radio or in conversation.

 

[sipnride]

I would say Millenials are much, much closer to Gen X in that regard than Gen Z. Plenty of us millennials were latchkey kids in the 90s (including me, my siblings, and most of my friends).

I feel like there are a lot of people that don't realize how old Millenials are.

I was born in 79, my wife in 81. We're less than 18 months apart. If I'm looking to be a gaslighting jerk I remind her that she's technically a millenial.

FWIW I think the two things that changed heading into the 90s, and that more accurately captured the broad distinctions, were the reduction in teen pregnancy and the explosion of boomers having kids in their 30s and 40s. By the time most teens were millennials, late 90s and 2000s, there's a big shift in the age and economic status of parents. Again broadly speaking, that translates to parenting that is either more present or at least more capable of paying for after school care and activities.

Meanwhile, the helicopter parenting of gen z that is routinely mocked is mostly on us Gen xers and older millennials who overreacted to our wild and often frightening experiences as kids.

 

[dez1978]

Children should not be forced to share. If I am using something you cannot come to me and say “share” and I am expected to give up my turn. We should be teaching children to say, “I’m using it now” or “I’m not finished with my turn”. “You can have it when I’m done”.

You are entitled to that opinion. But my kids are 2 years apart. I’m not buying 2 of everything. They will share and take turns or neither of them will play with it. I’m not going to listen to whining and fighting about something because one of them doesn’t want to let the other play with “his” toy.

 

[dez1978]

My opinion, I have a right to call out and or reprimand any person, any age if they are misbehaving in a way that affects my enjoyment also of public places, insults me or causes harm/insult to others. If this takes place in a public place, private home with parents present or not, it doesnt matter to me.

So if you are in front of me on a roller coaster and put your arms up and scream and that bothers me, I can call you out on that and reprimand you because it affects my enjoyment of a public place? I mean, you certainly have the right to feel insulted by something. You just don’t have the right to demand that a person not do a thing because you don’t like it.

 

[White Cat]

It's 1000x worse when you don't have kids. Family members with kids seem to think people who aren't parents have no clue, rights or say over anything kid-related, even when their children are out of control, so I tread very carefully.

In public, when a stranger's little darlings are out of control, ruining my restaurant meal, movie experience, etc and they couldn't seem to care less, I don't feel it's right to correct the child directly, but have tried to politely ask the parents to intervene. After getting nasty attitude too many times, I no longer give them that courtesy.

I now make a beeline for the folks paid to deal with this crap - the manager or other person in charge. Either they make it stop or make accommodations to move us/mitigate the experience.

Many times I have heard childless adults make the comment that if that were my child I would do this, that or the other.

If you never had children and had to deal with the daily grind of it you have no idea what you would do. It’s not as easy or black and white as you think.