Trusting Someone

[luvsJack]

Does she go out with her friends without him and what do her friends think of him & their relationship? If she can't go to dinner alone with her parents, I Wonder how much time she is allowed to spend with her friends. And if he works nights, seems like she would have a lot of free time to hang out with them.

Yes and her friends seem to like him.

The friends she has at school with her all go out to lunch together about once a week and meet for dinner every other week or so.

Her best friend goes to a different school but they meet up a couple of times a month and spend a day shopping.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow.... this thread is really going off the deep end.

I fear that what I am seeing is the OP justifying and justifying, and talking and talking her way into a deeper hole.

So, the kid was on her own, as a child, in situations regarding an adult in a position of authority, such as at school...
But, the OP seems to be intimately involved with every detail of this same daughters personal life and relationship.

While most here are saying that, if this is as it seems, this may be a mistake...
The first thing she does when we talk about basic guidance between her and her teen daughter is "so what should I do... FORCE HIM to LET her pay half the rent...."

That not only does not make any sense, whatsoever.... but, it is exactly the total opposite of what most of us would be recommending here.

And, the word 'LET' is very concerning... He has to 'LET' her do something?
Wow.
Not to mention that there is any possibility that the OP can, or should, step in and force him to do anything.

As I had said earlier...
I am afraid a lot of what is being posted here, by well meaning DISers, is an effort in futility.
When a persons own viewpoints and personal 'lens' is so very strong, they can be unable to see things from any other angle.

Also, what has happened so far, in the past, is well, in the past.
The DD is in a situation now, having chosen to give up her first bit of independence, to live with a man that the OP now wonders. "Should I trust him."
The only reason that I think the past is valid, is because, often, only by seeing the possible effects of the past and how they have contributed to the situation, can one know how best to handle the current and the future.

Right now, in the here and now...
My only advice to the OP is the same as it has been since this thread was posted.

ENABLE AND EMPOWER YOUR DD!!!
You really have nothing at all to do with her relationship.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes and her friends seem to like him.
The friends she has at school with her all go out to lunch together about once a week and meet for dinner every other week or so.
Her best friend goes to a different school but they meet up a couple of times a month and spend a day shopping.

Okay, I am not sure I fully believe this???
But, if I am to take this at face value, then I would begin to wonder how the gas and dining and shopping expense are NOT an issue when it comes to her friend...
But, they do seem to be an issue when it comes to the OP, as the young woman's mother.

 

[okeydokey]

Wow.... this thread is really going off the deep end.

I fear that what I am seeing is the OP justifying and justifying, and talking and talking her way into a deeper hole.

So, the kid was on her own, as a child, in situations regarding an adult in a position of authority, such as at school...
But, the OP seems to be intimately involved with every detail of this same daughters personal life and relationship.
.

I agree. Everything the kids of the OP does are the right things, always. They are always in the right and the partners and their families are wrong. It has seemed that way for years here, with the OP always involving herself in the drama the kids were involved in. At this point, the kids are all adults and IMO the OP needs to back away. Be available if negative things happen, but let them navigate their own lives on their own.

There is no need to even comment on this thread any longer, the OP won't listen to anything that paints her kids in anything other then the best light.

 

[luvsJack]

Believe it if you want to. She drives to school. After classes they all go out to lunch. Or they all meet up for dinner. They are actually closer to where she is than we are because they are all in the dorms except the ones with the apartment and they are even closer to where she is.

The best friend that she meets up with, they meet a town or two over from where dd is. About 30 minutes away.

Her still seeing her friends is why we did t read a lot into the gas comments about coming up here and just offered to pay for it.

Shopping doesn’t mean buying. They do a lot of window shopping and catching up. Spend time on the beach.

And Omg, you are reading way too much into the word let. She has a job, he has a job. They divide their expenses. He pays the rent. She buys other stuff. Should I go and force him to take the rent money? Is that better? And that was hardly the “first response”.

My older son and his wife both work. He makes the bulk of the money but she does work. He pays the bills. She pays for vacations, nights out, special things for the kids, etc. Should I go and jump all over ds over this agreement? (And before anyone asks, dil told me all this when she was asking my advise about continuing to work or staying home with their little girl.) If not, what is the difference exactly?

I started this thread because I was worried about him controlling her He doesn’t in a lot of ways which is what makes it so confusing.

He seems to have a lot of anxiety about her leaving him. Somehow that doesn’t compute to being around her friends but it does if she comes to see us. I don’t understand it. Somehow her being closer down there, he seems ok with.

Going over and over and over who pays what bills and why we “allowed” her to move in with him is not even close to helpful.

And as far as the crack about about the child “being on her own”. That is just way too out there. Think about it. Of course she handle things with guidance from us. But she was certainly capable of discussing a problem with a teacher. Stop trying to make her into a victim her whole life.

I find it rather amusing that first I am told I shouldn’t even know about how they take care of their finances and now I am to be forcing them to do it my way.





The fact is that we are keeping a constant dialogue open with dd just as we have always. We have talked about all of our concerns. She knows what they are.

We are keeping an open eye and an open mind.

We are here for her and she knows that. Her whole family is here for her.

As this relationship moves forward we will see what happens. Hopefully in a good direction but if not, we are here.


And FYI, my kids have hardly done everything right in their lives. I have mentioned one SO here before and she is no longer around. I didn’t even know her family. I love the mothers of both of my dils so not sure what I may have blamed on them.

They are all adults and they ALL are to be making their own decisions but somehow I am wrong for allowing dd to do that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well... sorry OP, but all I can say is... wow....
I really can't come up with any further response or advice.

 

[luvsJack]

Well... sorry OP, but all I can say is... wow....
I really can't come up with any further response or advice.

I am not quite sure what you define as advise but going over and over and over what we should have done months ago isn’t advise. Telling me I shouldn’t know about how they pay their bills but I should be interfering with how they pay their bills isn’t advise. Telling me she is an adult, but oh wait, I should be choosing her living arrangements is not advise.

The fact is at this moment they are a couple. If they remain a couple then that is how we will cotinue to view them. As a couple they should be able to decide how to pay their own expenses. And they do.

Along with that she is finishing up school, interning at the gym almost 40 hours a week ( now some of those will be with pay), and working her online classes for her certifications. Personally I don’t know how many hours you have in a day but we only have 24. To work to pay half the rent would put her over that many.

You want to paint her as this little hot house flower that everyone “takes care of” and that isn’t the case.

My concerns stemmed from her inexperience in relationships. The more she and I talk and the more she tells me about conversations they have, the more I feel she will be ok. That doesn’t mean I am turning a blind eye. That means I am not fretting over it. She is being more observant herself about things he says and calling him out.

Oh, wait, forgot, not supposed to be having those conversations. But I am supposed to make sure she knows that we are here for her and that she understands what mental abuse and controlling personality is. Not sure how, send her a letter?

Does she mess up? Of course. Is she perfect? Not by any stretch. Is she working hard to get her career going? Yes. You keep going on about empowering her, well that is one step. But oh, nope, if I point out that she is doing that, i am saying she is perfect.

Maybe this whole relationship is one huge mistake. I can’t say that for sure right now. But time will tell. But for now, it has to be her choice.

 

[starry_solo]

So, I thought I would post this Dear Abby article. I don't always agree with the advise she provides, but this was good.

From:
https://www.sfgate.com/entertainmen...mother-wants-bride-to-be-to-heed-12736785.php

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5. ISOLATION: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.


6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.

7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.

10. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him or her do it.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”