Lilacs4Me
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2015
We have legally been granted guardianship of DH's great nephew as of last month. He is 11, 6th grade. He apparently used to be on medication for ADHD, but if this is true, his mother took him off of it well before we ever got him. His latest report from school is that he blurts out and talks out of turn too much, which distracts the teacher and other kids. DN11 says he doesn't realize when he does it. He tells me that he can't help it.
We are scheduling therapy for him and meeting with the school, but in the meantime, I am trying to learn everything I can about ADHD. I don't doubt that he may have it, but I also think that the circumstances of his upbringing have taught him to make excuses for his behavior and to not take personal responsibility for his actions. (no abuse issues, he's just been raised by many different people, mostly older ladies, where he has been allowed to push the boundaries and call the shots) His "excuses" are so canned that they sound like he is just repeating things that he has heard adults telling him. "I can't control myself" "I have a hard time remembering that I shouldn't talk." "I need a concentration jar so that I can remove myself from the situation" He seems to enjoy the attention this issue is bringing him more than it is bothering him which has me a little wary of some traditional "aides" they use in the classroom. He was super excited and thrilled to tell me yesterday that he gets to sit in a rocking chair instead of a regular chair in math class so, in his words he can "keep myself distracted so that I don't talk out loud". He has attention-seeking tendancies (lying, tall tales, noise-making, etc) and liked telling the kids around him why he got to have the rocking chair. So, I'm not sure how I feel about this being a solution....
Is teaching/learning/expecting self-control and discipline even a viable option with ADHD kids? Are rocking chairs and "concentration jars" and "fidget spinners" really the way to go? What happens when they don't have this stuff in the real world - is their behavior just excused? How old is too old for these measures? I can see using them when a kid is 6...7...8, but do some kids need this all the way through high school? When does it stop becoming "needed" and start becoming an excuse to act out because you left your concentration jar at home that day or the rocking chair is not available in the science lab, KWIM?
I'm struggling to learn all of these answers in a short time. Websites and reference materials only state facts. I need some real-life advice and "been there, done that" stories!
And please, I would like to keep this thread informative and helpful, and not fight about each other's parenting styles. I have my own way of disciplining my bio-kids because they don't have ADHD and I don't give them excuses or let them get away with this kind of behavior. They know, and would know, that this behavior and disrespect is not acceptable and we have zero tolerance for it! My instincts are to do the same with DN11, but I have a feeling he won't respond to the same kind of parenting, or should I treat him the same and expect the same? If he truly cannot help it, I don't want to punish him for being himself - he's a great kid and loving and kind and sweet overall, but I also want to help him succeed in life and not use every reason in the book to excuse away the bad behaviors that run rampant in his (DH's) family. We are trying to give him a better life, so I feel like it's a balancing act between providing tough love and understanding the issues involved. I'm so lost here, this is all new to me!
Thanks!
We are scheduling therapy for him and meeting with the school, but in the meantime, I am trying to learn everything I can about ADHD. I don't doubt that he may have it, but I also think that the circumstances of his upbringing have taught him to make excuses for his behavior and to not take personal responsibility for his actions. (no abuse issues, he's just been raised by many different people, mostly older ladies, where he has been allowed to push the boundaries and call the shots) His "excuses" are so canned that they sound like he is just repeating things that he has heard adults telling him. "I can't control myself" "I have a hard time remembering that I shouldn't talk." "I need a concentration jar so that I can remove myself from the situation" He seems to enjoy the attention this issue is bringing him more than it is bothering him which has me a little wary of some traditional "aides" they use in the classroom. He was super excited and thrilled to tell me yesterday that he gets to sit in a rocking chair instead of a regular chair in math class so, in his words he can "keep myself distracted so that I don't talk out loud". He has attention-seeking tendancies (lying, tall tales, noise-making, etc) and liked telling the kids around him why he got to have the rocking chair. So, I'm not sure how I feel about this being a solution....
Is teaching/learning/expecting self-control and discipline even a viable option with ADHD kids? Are rocking chairs and "concentration jars" and "fidget spinners" really the way to go? What happens when they don't have this stuff in the real world - is their behavior just excused? How old is too old for these measures? I can see using them when a kid is 6...7...8, but do some kids need this all the way through high school? When does it stop becoming "needed" and start becoming an excuse to act out because you left your concentration jar at home that day or the rocking chair is not available in the science lab, KWIM?
I'm struggling to learn all of these answers in a short time. Websites and reference materials only state facts. I need some real-life advice and "been there, done that" stories!
And please, I would like to keep this thread informative and helpful, and not fight about each other's parenting styles. I have my own way of disciplining my bio-kids because they don't have ADHD and I don't give them excuses or let them get away with this kind of behavior. They know, and would know, that this behavior and disrespect is not acceptable and we have zero tolerance for it! My instincts are to do the same with DN11, but I have a feeling he won't respond to the same kind of parenting, or should I treat him the same and expect the same? If he truly cannot help it, I don't want to punish him for being himself - he's a great kid and loving and kind and sweet overall, but I also want to help him succeed in life and not use every reason in the book to excuse away the bad behaviors that run rampant in his (DH's) family. We are trying to give him a better life, so I feel like it's a balancing act between providing tough love and understanding the issues involved. I'm so lost here, this is all new to me!
Thanks!
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