Single Aunt with Special Needs... Matchmaking Question...

[Binkrin]

So we just came back from a week long trip with my whole family. My aunt with special needs came with us. She is 62 years old. While in Disney, her and I were walking back to our room when she says to me, "I wish that one day I could find a man who loves Disney as much as Jim (my husband)." Now I realize it sounds silly on my part, but I have never thought of her wanting to find a man. She lived with my grandmother until she passed away almost 10 years ago and now she lives with my parents.

She is crazy about Disney and does a lot of drawing and painting. She is in a day program where she has friends but she says none of them feel the same way about Disney that she does. So I thought of coming here to ask around. Problem is I don't know how to word her diagnosis. She has never been diagnosed with anything because my grandmother just treated her like a child her whole life.

I guess I am looking for some advice. And I am sorry if I offended anyone. We don't talk specifics in our family. It's a touchy subject and our family is good at not talking about things.

Thanks for understanding.

 

[emldrl]

I didn't think you were offensive at all, and I think it's very sweet to want to help your aunt. First you should think about this using her mental age. Is she high school level mentally, or more like elementary school? The reason I'm saying this is because if she is delayed to that extent, then she might not be able to deal well with an adult relationship, even a very innocent one.

If all you want to find her is a platonic friend, I'm sure there are ways to go about that, and hopefully we (group we) can all come up with some good ideas. There are some really helpful people on these boards, and most will go out of their way to help each other.

One last suggestion; the staff at her day program could be a lot of help to you. They know her well, and could give you some local resources, as well as further insight about what she will be able to handle related to her diagnosis.
Good luck!

 

[bookwormde]

It is nice that she feels comfortable talking with you.

While it may not be accurate the term developmental delay is often used generically.

Of course she needs to use caution in any outside relationship if she is not "worldly"

 

[Schmeck]

So we just came back from a week long trip with my whole family. My aunt with special needs came with us. She is 62 years old. While in Disney, her and I were walking back to our room when she says to me, "I wish that one day I could find a man who loves Disney as much as Jim (my husband)." Now I realize it sounds silly on my part, but I have never thought of her wanting to find a man. She lived with my grandmother until she passed away almost 10 years ago and now she lives with my parents.

She is crazy about Disney and does a lot of drawing and painting. She is in a day program where she has friends but she says none of them feel the same way about Disney that she does. So I thought of coming here to ask around. Problem is I don't know how to word her diagnosis. She has never been diagnosed with anything because my grandmother just treated her like a child her whole life.

I guess I am looking for some advice. And I am sorry if I offended anyone. We don't talk specifics in our family. It's a touchy subject and our family is good at not talking about things.

Thanks for understanding.

What kind of advice? Should she date? Or who should she date? Does she need a chaperone, who will pay, etc? Does she really understand what dating/finding a man is all about? We can't really help you with those questions, as we don't know much about her diagnosis and her needs. Your parents, her doctors, and the staff at the day care facility know her much better than we ever could and that's where you need to start. I do know that I'd be very, very, very wary of any kind of unchaperoned situation involving a person with developmental issues.

 

[WheeledTraveler]

I think it's great that your willing to help her explore relationships. So many people stomp down on anyone with a developmental disability if they show any sign of interest in romantic relationships. I don't think it's odd at all that you hadn't thought of it before now because of how common the suppression is, even now.

There are organizations out there that actually exist to help people with developmental disabilities find partners or give advice on how to. I don't know if there are any actual local to SC, but you should at least be able to get some of the answers for what you're asking now.

Also, I don't know how easily his books are available (at least some can be ordered from www.diverse-city.com ), but you might want to look for things by Dave Hingsburger. Sexuality and relationships for people with developmental disabilities is a large part of what he's worked on/studied for at least 20 years now (there's definitely a book that should answer most of what you're asking). He has a personal blog, but I'm not sure how much it would help you, but it's just about the first thing that shows up if you search for his name online.

 

[JennyDrake]

I have a similar situation (kinda) in my family. I have a deaf cousin who was treated as something of a cross between and child and a *pet* her whole life. She has a high school diploma plus some job skills training, but was never "allowed" to do anything. So it is VERY hard to distinguish what are organic issues, behavior patterns and lack of social skills ????

I agree with asking the day facility for some input--I do not know what the confidentiality issues might or might not be....

 

[Binkrin]

Thank you for all your responses!

I guess I just didn't know where to start. Talking to her program manager sounds like a great starting point. I will talk to my parents about it. They are her "guardians" and they have feedback meetings when requested like parent/teacher meetings from school.

She has a high school diploma, but the mental development of someone in elementary school. When my grandmother was alive, she spent the day home alone. She took care of herself all day, and took walks up to the local shopping center. Since losing my grandma, she moved in with my parents and they set her up with her day program. She now works the store 2 days a week and concentrates on art projects most of the time.

I am sure that she would love a friend that she could talk to, I am not sure how she would handle anything more. But she sees everyone else in relationships, so that would be a difficult thing to explain to her.

So when I asked for advice, it was more "in general" because this isn't something that has ever really come up.

 

[ladyjubilee]

Another option might be becoming active in programs like ARC. Often they include social events, like dances and movie nights where folks with cognitive impairments and developmental delays can gather with peers.

As far as maturity and level of involvement, well, which of us is really ready for a relationship?

This is just an aside, but it may help the family for at least someone in the family to know her actual diagnosis. Certain impairments have a strong correlation to specific geriatric conditions, especially impairments with a genetic component.