Severely need advice

[Starport Seven-Five]

There is nothing wrong with advise from experience. (Just as I mentioned with the talking to Mom)

What I find wrong is deciding he is bi polar, an alcoholic and his mother is controlling and manipulative all off a few words. All of these are diagnoses that a licensed professional would take at least a few sessions to decide.

Advise is “see a marriage counselor”, “talk to your husband and see if he will tell you why he did this or what is going on with him”. Or letting up on the “no drinking” policy and see if it helps. Or “go to Al Anon and listen to other’s experiences”.

Assuming the worst isn’t a good jumping off point for the OP. None of us know the exact amount of cans and bottles. None of us know the exact amount of time these cans and bottles were consumed. No one knows how her husband feels and why he is or was drinking. All of that should be looked at realistically and no one should be jumping to conclusions.

I have a neighbor that at one look one would guess he is a horrible alcoholic. He has a couple of wire bins full of beer cans. He has three or four parties a year and those cans are what is consumed at those parties. But if you just look at the outside, the worst could easily be jumped to when it’s not reality at all.

There are also people suggesting harder drugs being used (I saw cocaine and pain killers I think) and that the OP should leave him immediately. Incredibly irresponsible to suggest these things based on a short summary from one side of the relationship as the effects on the relationship could be irreversible.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

There is nothing wrong with advise from experience. (Just as I mentioned with the talking to Mom)

What I find wrong is deciding he is bi polar, an alcoholic and his mother is controlling and manipulative all off a few words. All of these are diagnoses that a licensed professional would take at least a few sessions to decide.

Advise is “see a marriage counselor”, “talk to your husband and see if he will tell you why he did this or what is going on with him”. Or letting up on the “no drinking” policy and see if it helps. Or “go to Al Anon and listen to other’s experiences”.

Assuming the worst isn’t a good jumping off point for the OP. None of us know the exact amount of cans and bottles. None of us know the exact amount of time these cans and bottles were consumed. No one knows how her husband feels and why he is or was drinking. All of that should be looked at realistically and no one should be jumping to conclusions.

I have a neighbor that at one look one would guess he is a horrible alcoholic. He has a couple of wire bins full of beer cans. He has three or four parties a year and those cans are what is consumed at those parties. But if you just look at the outside, the worst could easily be jumped to when it’s not reality at all.

I don’t recall anyone saying he’s Bipolar, though a few people said his behavior reminded them of that illness and suggested it as a possibility for consideration which I think is perfectly fair. This is what the OP was looking for, right? Advice, opinions, and outside perspectives? Lots of people presumed him to be an alcoholic, so I’ll give you that. I’m the one who (initially joking) brought up his mother so I assume you’re directing that part towards me. Unfortunately, you’re conflating what I said.

I said the OP’s husband was emotionally manipulative and immature. That’s not a diagnosis of anything, it’s an observation. Those traits don’t develop in a vacuum, and what I said was that that type of personality often develops as a result of growing up in an environment with a controlling, manipulative, and infantilizing parent. It was the OP who then came back and painted a less than flattering picture of her MIL.

I brought up the issue of family dynamics to put it on the OP’s radar as a piece of this puzzle that may be worth looking into — no different than the people who suggested looking into mental health, illegal drug use, sleep disorders, poor ability to metabolize alcohol, etc.

You yourself just gave a great example upthread of how dysfunction becomes deeply entrenched through generations. An alcoholic grandfather who had a daughter who married an alcoholic who had a daughter who grew up to marry an alcoholic. See? These types of issues go deeper than what’s right in front of you in the present moment and it’s worthwhile, IMO, for the OP to be aware of that.

My biggest piece of advice throughout this thread to the OP, just like it has been from most everyone else, is to get into therapy ASAP.

 

[Anonymous123]

Heck I slur my speech all the time. And I am not drinking. It’s called exhaustion and lack of sleep. Especially if I wake up in the middle of the night.

This is actually what I was wondering because Dh is exhausted 85-95% of the time. He loves his job but I know managing that, working out, and time for us or himself is hard for him. That’s why sometimes I’ll immediately jump to “are you tired?”. He normally has a lisp that he actively tries not to have so when he’s tired or has been drinking I see that start to come out more. I told him this and he’s been trying to notice it when he’s tired or drinking.

As of right now, he is trying to go all of September without alcohol and I’m working on my control issues. This is our first step. We also plan to work on therapy strategies and techniques at home every Sunday together. We’re starting that tomorrow.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think it’s very interesting that the OP describes her family as “big drinkers” (or something to that effect, don’t have time to go back right now), and I wonder how that plays into what’s going on here. I think it also behooves the OP to try hard to work out her problems with her husband as going back to her family may not be the best thing, either, if it’s alcohol and its effects she’s trying to get away from. (And if she has to leave at some point, she may just try to live on her own with her child.)

OP have you given this much thought at all in terms of your (and your husband’s) backgrounds and how they affect what’s going on with and between you today? I know when I was in my 20s I had to do that myself to try to make sense and get my head on straight of who I was, where I was from, and where I was going. It wasn’t always easy work, but subsequently I was glad I did it as I could build on it and not struggle with ongoing dysfunction the rest of my life. (**If you don’t come from an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family, this might be hard to understand.) I didn’t see you mention your family’s drinking as a problem so I’m not sure how you feel about it and whether you see it as an issue or not, etc.

I think we also have a LOT of different views here about alcohol that obviously play into peoples’ replies. Those may be hard to decipher since we don’t have a playbook about their lives, either. I think few, though, would have much problem (save for some aforementioned teetotaler groups) with casual drinking (whose definition may also vary from person to person). In my years of being here some of the most hotly contested threads I’ve seen involve opinions on drinking.

 

[disneychrista]

As of right now, he is trying to go all of September without alcohol and I’m working on my control issues. This is our first step. We also plan to work on therapy strategies and techniques at home every Sunday together. We’re starting that tomorrow.

I am glad that you & your DH are working together on this. I wish you both luck. Change is hard.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is actually what I was wondering because Dh is exhausted 85-95% of the time. He loves his job but I know managing that, working out, and time for us or himself is hard for him. That’s why sometimes I’ll immediately jump to “are you tired?”. He normally has a lisp that he actively tries not to have so when he’s tired or has been drinking I see that start to come out more. I told him this and he’s been trying to notice it when he’s tired or drinking.

As of right now, he is trying to go all of September without alcohol and I’m working on my control issues. This is our first step. We also plan to work on therapy strategies and techniques at home every Sunday together. We’re starting that tomorrow.

It is not uncommon for me to be up for over 24hrs; some times as many as 32-36. I would not argue that someone is as mentally sharp then than they are after a full, restful sleep. But I have never once slurred my words or been mistaken for being drunk. Just saying. YMMV

 

[disneychrista]

It is not uncommon for me to be up for over 24hrs; some times as many as 32-36. I would not argue that someone is as mentally sharp then than they are after a full, restful sleep. But I have never once slurred my words or been mistaken for being drunk. Just saying. YMMV

But if one is sleep deprived the affects of the alcohol might be intensified making one appear drunk(er) than they normally would if they were fully rested.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

But if one is sleep deprived the affects of the alcohol might be intensified making one appear drunk(er) than they normally would if they were fully rested.

I suppose. It could depend on how much you drink. I still have never slurred my words even when overtired, but I don't have more than one or two.

 

[mousefan73]

I know it’s OT but sleep deprivation can be like being under the influence of drugs/alcohol. Same affects have been proven in car safety tests.

I was once so sleep deprived on two occasions. In one case I recall picking my DDs pink socks off the bathroom floor. In my head I saw myself putting them in the hamper, in reality I flushed them diwn the toilet!!

Another time I dosed at a red light. I snapped out of it and thought I saw elefants crossing the road. ( was I awake sleeping and dreaming?!!).
Anyways both times stone sober.

 

[Anonymous123]

I know it’s OT but sleep deprivation can be like being under the influence of drugs/alcohol. Same affects have been proven in car safety tests.

I was once so sleep deprived on two occasions. In one case I recall picking my DDs pink socks off the bathroom floor. In my head I saw myself putting them in the hamper, in reality I flushed them diwn the toilet!!

Another time I dosed at a red light. I snapped out of it and thought I saw elefants crossing the road. ( was I awake sleeping and dreaming?!!).
Anyways both times stone sober.

Dh has woken up thinking he’s going to the bathroom but sometimes will end up walking the wrong direction. Every time he acts that way is because he needs to go to the bathroom when he wakes up. Then he’ll say things that make no sense. Sometimes I think he knows what he’s saying doesn’t make sense but he literally can’t get his thoughts out coherently.

 

[Hikergirl]

My dh and one of my ds's are very deep sleepers, they often make no sense when they wake up, even in t

There is nothing wrong with advise from experience. (Just as I mentioned with the talking to Mom)

What I find wrong is deciding he is bi polar, an alcoholic and his mother is controlling and manipulative all off a few words. All of these are diagnoses that a licensed professional would take at least a few sessions to decide.

Advise is “see a marriage counselor”, “talk to your husband and see if he will tell you why he did this or what is going on with him”. Or letting up on the “no drinking” policy and see if it helps. Or “go to Al Anon and listen to other’s experiences”.

Assuming the worst isn’t a good jumping off point for the OP. None of us know the exact amount of cans and bottles. None of us know the exact amount of time these cans and bottles were consumed. No one knows how her husband feels and why he is or was drinking. All of that should be looked at realistically and no one should be jumping to conclusions.

I have a neighbor that at one look one would guess he is a horrible alcoholic. He has a couple of wire bins full of beer cans. He has three or four parties a year and those cans are what is consumed at those parties. But if you just look at the outside, the worst could easily be jumped to when it’s not reality at all.

I'm going by what the OP said about him. He has been hiding his bottles for years. She talked about how he was when he was drinking, said her parents even witnessed how he behaved after only having a few beers. She said it was so bad one night she left and stayed at a hotel. "His drinking causes many problems because he is unaware of his surroundings and doesn’t make any sense when he talks."
Then she backtracked and came up with other reasons why he behaves the way he does.
I personally don't really care what you think we should be saying to the OP, I'm going to say what I think about her situation based on the info she provided and asked us for advice on.

 

[starry_solo]

Back again to offer more advice.

Both of you need to go to therapy, individually and together. Preferably at a therapist's office that has at least three different therapists practicing under the same umbrella. This way, each of you can go to your own therapist and then once those therapists decide that each of you are ready for couples therapy, go to the third therapist, who will have read the notes of your individual therapists.

 

[luvsJack]

I don’t recall anyone saying he’s Bipolar, though a few people said his behavior reminded them of that illness and suggested it as a possibility for consideration which I think is perfectly fair. This is what the OP was looking for, right? Advice, opinions, and outside perspectives? Lots of people presumed him to be an alcoholic, so I’ll give you that. I’m the one who (initially joking) brought up his mother so I assume you’re directing that part towards me. Unfortunately, you’re conflating what I said.

I said the OP’s husband was emotionally manipulative and immature. That’s not a diagnosis of anything, it’s an observation. Those traits don’t develop in a vacuum, and what I said was that that type of personality often develops as a result of growing up in an environment with a controlling, manipulative, and infantilizing parent. It was the OP who then came back and painted a less than flattering picture of her MIL.

I brought up the issue of family dynamics to put it on the OP’s radar as a piece of this puzzle that may be worth looking into — no different than the people who suggested looking into mental health, illegal drug use, sleep disorders, poor ability to metabolize alcohol, etc.

You yourself just gave a great example upthread of how dysfunction becomes deeply entrenched through generations. An alcoholic grandfather who had an alcoholic son who had a daughter who grew up to marry an alcoholic. See? These types of issues go deeper than what’s right in front of you in the present moment and it’s worthwhile, IMO, for the OP to be aware of that.

My biggest piece of advice throughout this thread to the OP, just like it has been from most everyone else, is to get into therapy ASAP.

Wrong grandfather. My father’s father never drank.

Yes it’s worthwhile to be aware of it but first it would be best for it to be determined if he is an alcoholic and not one person on this thread can make that determination.

Everyone is jumping the gun and deciding maybe is on drugs, he is an alcoholic, he is bi polar (which also isn’t the same with every person plus there are many disorders that mimic bi polar), and he has a toxic mom.

They need counseling, that is for sure. But she doesn’t need anyone deciding all these things are wrong with her husband. I mean, she comes here worried about alcohol and someone starts talking about possible drug use. If she listened to half of this, she would running for the hills!

 

[luvsJack]

Dh has woken up thinking he’s going to the bathroom but sometimes will end up walking the wrong direction. Every time he acts that way is because he needs to go to the bathroom when he wakes up. Then he’ll say things that make no sense. Sometimes I think he knows what he’s saying doesn’t make sense but he literally can’t get his thoughts out coherently.

Not sure the connection with going to the bathroom unless it is just the thing that wakes him up.

Dh drives a truck for a living. Some weekends he comes home and is past the point of exhausted. And he will, more times than not, fall asleep in his recliner. We have had numerous “conversations” about things going on on the road. Most of what he says makes no sense and it’s almost as though he is combining more than one thought in one sentence. And sometimes he is starting to wake up and starts talking and it seems more like he knows what he wants to say but his mouth won’t make the words right. His is definitely from being exhausted.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Not sure the connection with going to the bathroom unless it is just the thing that wakes him up.

Dh drives a truck for a living. Some weekends he comes home and is past the point of exhausted. And he will, more times than not, fall asleep in his recliner. We have had numerous “conversations” about things going on on the road. Most of what he says makes no sense and it’s almost as though he is combining more than one thought in one sentence. And sometimes he is starting to wake up and starts talking and it seems more like he knows what he wants to say but his mouth won’t make the words right. His is definitely from being exhausted.

Has he ever slurred his words in this situation?

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Wrong grandfather. My father’s father never drank.

Yes it’s worthwhile to be aware of it but first it would be best for it to be determined if he is an alcoholic and not one person on this thread can make that determination.

Everyone is jumping the gun and deciding maybe is on drugs, he is an alcoholic, he is bi polar (which also isn’t the same with every person plus there are many disorders that mimic bi polar), and he has a toxic mom.

They need counseling, that is for sure. But she doesn’t need anyone deciding all these things are wrong with her husband. I mean, she comes here worried about alcohol and someone starts talking about possible drug use. If she listened to half of this, she would running for the hills!

I just went back and reread all of the OP’s posts. She herself threw out the following topics as possible contributions to this situation:

Alcohol abuse
Mental health
Sleep disorders
Drug interactions (which she does not believe to be a concern)
Unhealthy behaviors and relationship dynamics
Stress
A lisp

She also wanted to know if people thought there was any hope for her marriage.

It is completely understandable that people would discuss, advise, and expand upon these points because she literally asked people to do exactly that. Yet, you have taken the position that everyone should ignore all other aspects of her posts and simply tell her to get counseling.

Thanks for clarifying your family history. I’ll edit my previous post to accurately reflect the chain of events.

@Anonymous123, I give you and your husband credit for seeing there’s a problem and wanting to take steps to fix it. My personal opinion, though, is that the issues here are too big for the two of you to resolve with at-home Sunday afternoon therapy exercises and I really encourage you to work alongside a professional therapist for this. Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the tress, you know?

 

[luvsJack]

Has he ever slurred his words in this situation?

Yes. They are slurred sort of. Like his words will be sort of all jumbled together.

 

[luvsJack]

I just went back and reread all of the OP’s posts. She herself threw out the following topics as possible contributions to this situation:

Alcohol abuse
Mental health
Sleep disorders
Drug interactions (which she does not believe to be a concern)
Unhealthy behaviors and relationship dynamics
Stress
A lisp

She also wanted to know if people thought there was any hope for her marriage.

It is completely understandable that people would discuss, advise, and expand upon these points because she literally asked people to do exactly that. Yet, you have taken the position that everyone should ignore all other aspects of her posts and simply tell her to get counseling.

Thanks for clarifying your family history. I’ll edit my previous post to accurately reflect the chain of events.

@Anonymous123, I give you and your husband credit for seeing there’s a problem and wanting to take steps to fix it. My personal opinion, though, is that the issues here are too big for the two of you to resolve with at-home Sunday afternoon therapy exercises and I really encourage you to work alongside a professional therapist for this. Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the tress, you know?

You misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that everyone just say go to counseling. But jumping to conclusions and scaring her or making her distrust her husband more than she already does isn’t healthy either.

 

[Katie Dawn]

OP, it sounds like you've made up your mind, but I would Strongly recommend you go to a therapist rather than trying "therapy strategies at home". If he is struggling with addiction then he is a master manipulator, and during these "sessions" he will play you like a fiddle.

None of us can clearly see our own situations when we're in the middle of it. That's part of the purpose of counseling - to have someone else who isn't in the middle of the mess, someone who doesn't have a dog in the fight, be able to step back and see things more clearly. It didn't surprise me At All to see that he was all about doing "therapy strategies" by yourselves. He will continue to be able to make things go the way he wants them to go. He will take responsibility for for tiny things that aren't consequential, and you will take responsibility and blame for the big stuff. When he takes responsibility for big things it was be surrounded with "because you didn't give me a choice"... aka it's your fault.

 

[Cubbiecakes]

If she listened to half of this, she would running for the hills!

After having dealt with one alcoholic, I would personally recommend running for the hills.