Rude Adult Children?

[RUDisney]

I do think fathers may handle it better...maybe not as sensitive as mothers. I know my husband handles it better, although he is not disrespected as much as me. He just says "that's how she is".

I do want to point out he worked most evenings during her teenage years, so he was not around and would just hear about her behavior from me. He didn't seem to care so much since she was involved in so many activities and also worked.

It's just the opposite in our family. I can handle things in a compartmentalized fashion and my DH can't. If one of the kids (23 & 24 now) sass at him, he tells me that they were mean and asks me to fix it. It's like having three kids instead of just 2.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

All these years... I was having trouble with the "why"?? It was very hard to deal with in the younger years trying to support her at games, awards ceremonies, etc...and put on the happy face.

Why was it hard to support her and not actually be happy, but have to put on a "happy face"?? Was she that miserable all though middle and high school?

 

[ashley0139]

As someone who has been called "rude" by her mother more than once, let me just say that I may be rude sometimes, but there's also no self awareness from her about how she acts toward me and other people. It's a two way street. Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you're perfect.

 

[Dakota731]

I nipped that behavior in the bud as soon as my daughters entered teendom. I didn’t allow them to even finish a sentence if it was in a rude tone. I’d walk away and say “you won’t talk to me that way” or just hang up the phone. It didn’t take more then one or two times for then to get the message. Parents of young girls you have to teach them young while you have an affect and have the power. I’m proud that my three daughters are respectful and successful young women today. Remember raising “strong” girls doesn’t mean that they can be verbally aggressive or obnoxious. Strength is knowing how to make your point in a respectful way and sometimes knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

 

[piccolopat]

When the rudeness starts tell her you will hang up if she doesn't stop and then follow through. If she sends a text like then, reply with a "REFUSED - RETURN TO SENDER". Call her when you want to and refuse her calls when it's not convenient to you. You've allowed her to get the upper hand in your relationship and you need to at least get on equal footing. Her behavior as you described is not acceptable.

 

[kimblebee]

Yes, I told her this time that she was being hurtful, I started crying and she responded by saying "I don't even feel sorry for you". Then sent me an very long, even nastier, text immediately afterwards about her busy life, career and social. I never call, we have to wait for her to call, "on her time". I don't ask for anything from her, but this phone call was about sending a box back to me for a repair..... In all honestly, I have been a good mother and did my very best. My children were my everything.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s clear to see you’re in a lot of pain over this. You’re getting some good advice here.

Sorry to hear that. My oldest is only 15, so they're still at home. I've told them all (and still tell them) that I love them very much and want to have a great relationship with them. At the same time, I'm their parent, not their best friend. If I say things that upset them or they don't like and they're angry at me for it, oh well. If they are disrespectful and ugly, it's simply not tolerated, nor does it hurt my feelings. At all. They're more than welcome to voice frustration, anger, concern, etc...but respectfully.

Guess I won't know how I'll react when their adults until they are and they're on their own, but as of now I very much feel that if they're "ugly" to me then I still simply won't tolerate it. I will always love them with all my heart, but I'm their father and they will be respectful to me just like they would anyone else (if not more). If they aren't, that's their choice, and it's my choice not to listen to it.

My daughter is 18 and I wondered, like you, what our relationship would be like when she grew up.

We are very close because for 12 years of her life, it was just the two of us. I would describe her relationship as a mix between parent/friend. She has moved away but up until the day she left she knew what rules were and what was expected of her. I still try to parent a little bit now but I can’t really enforce her to clean her room lol

We joke and talk like friends do, too, but I have no problem telling her when she crosses a line. I can’t think of a specific example, but it would be something like calling me a loser when I’m telling her about a problem or something. It’s never said seriously, but I still remind her I’m the parent and should be looked at as one.

I say just keep your relationship the way it is now, and it should continue when they become adults.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You've allowed her to get the upper hand in your relationship and you need to at least get on equal footing.

She's 26 years old. At some point it should stop being about who is having the upper hand and who isn't. I don't know a whole lot about the situation from what's being described but power plays have to stop at some point..on both sides. I do agree on the equal footing aspect though.

 

[Wishing on a star]

At this point, she is a very independant and successful adult.
The emotional "but she hurts me'... and 'why'... really have no place.
Such an emotional ying and yang is not how the best relationships usually work.

I have said a few times, "why ask why". And sometimes, well, it just is what it is.
It is my guess that, with your daughter, it just is what it is.

She is an independent adult, and so, if she doesn't want to have a positive relationship, or at least some kind of workable relationship, why is something being sent to be repaired.

While I TOTALLY understand your feelings!!!! I would feel the same!!!!
It seems like I am seeing a lot of focus on your feelings, all you have done for her, etc...

In stead if focusing on that, and how rude she is, and why she is that way....
Why you are so hurt.... I am thinking that you might be handing her that power. (NOT in a mind-game power play kind of way)... But in a being affected and vulnerable kind of way.
So, instead of focusing on the hurt, and asking WHY (because you did a great job and did everything you could)
I would try to turn a corner and begin to ask why you have allowed this to be this way, or have maybe been a part of this, etc.

I know it hurts!!!!!!
Hope this helps.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

Yes, I told her this time that she was being hurtful, I started crying and she responded by saying "I don't even feel sorry for you". Then sent me an very long, even nastier, text immediately afterwards about her busy life, career and social. I never call, we have to wait for her to call, "on her time". I don't ask for anything from her, but this phone call was about sending a box back to me for a repair..... In all honestly, I have been a good mother and did my very best. My children were my everything.

I've been thinking about this because of the similarities I have with my DD14 and I think about how I try to handle her now. I'm the same as you - I have two other kids and they are not like her at all, and I have parented them all the same. She has amazing qualities, don't get me wrong, but she is very detached emotionally and struggles with empathy, which makes it hard to connect with her sometimes.

There is ALWAYS an underlying reason for the nastiness in DD's case. Usually it's when she is feeling insecure or nervous about something. I have cried in front of her and it agitates and unnerves her more, so I make sure I don't show that kind of emotion. I had to figure out what makes HER tick and plan my conversations accordingly. I finally figured out that her "love language" (which we've talked about on this board recently) is Words of Affirmations so when she is being mean and snarky and nasty, I stay calm, tell her I won't tolerate her talking to me like that, and then I try to start throwing in positive comments about how I understand that she feels the way she does because she is independent and strong and smart, I'm proud of her for standing up for what she believes in and always want her to, but she needs to do it with respect...yadda, yadda...

I can visibly see her start to relax and let down her defenses. It has helped so much that I have started to make an effort to engage her out of the blue just to tell her I am proud of her or some other positive affirmation so she doesn't think I only say these things during a fight.

What makes your DD tick? What makes her respond in a positive way to you? You certainly don't need to cater to her by any means, but maybe trying a new approach might help, while staying firm that the line of respect will not be crossed.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

OP, to the best of your knowledge, how would your daughter describe her relationship with you? What are her complaints?

 

[DisneylandDarling]

Honestly, she sounds a lot like my cousin. A couple family members have said that she is undiagnosed bipolar, but I don't think so. I think she's just gotten away with treating her mother (my aunt) like crap for so long and knows she can get away with it. She'll call her mom every name in the book (expletives) and then she'll come back around the next day like all is well. Probably some anger issues, but that's it. Extremely manipulative, too.

OP, I feel for you. You need to be firm and direct with her in saying that the way she talks and treats you is unacceptable. Then follow through. Don't compare her to her sibling, as that'll shift her focus and she might take it out on the sibling. If she continues the attitude, ignore her communication attempts or keep them extremely brief. There are those who are successful, but have been handed things in their life who now have a complex that the world owes them, when in actuality it owes them nothing. She's lucky she has a caring mother in her life when so many don't have that privilege. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and I hope it gets better soon!

 

[barkley]

I've been thinking about this because of the similarities I have with my DD14 and I think about how I try to handle her now. I'm the same as you - I have two other kids and they are not like her at all, and I have parented them all the same. She has amazing qualities, don't get me wrong, but she is very detached emotionally and struggles with empathy, which makes it hard to connect with her sometimes.

There is ALWAYS an underlying reason for the nastiness in DD's case. Usually it's when she is feeling insecure or nervous about something. I have cried in front of her and it agitates and unnerves her more, so I make sure I don't show that kind of emotion. I had to figure out what makes HER tick and plan my conversations accordingly. I finally figured out that her "love language" (which we've talked about on this board recently) is Words of Affirmations so when she is being mean and snarky and nasty, I stay calm, tell her I won't tolerate her talking to me like that, and then I try to start throwing in positive comments about how I understand that she feels the way she does because she is independent and strong and smart, I'm proud of her for standing up for what she believes in and always want her to, but she needs to do it with respect...yadda, yadda...

whatever works best for your child is what you should do, but just as a suggestion-

if she hasn't tried it have you considered some form of therapy/counseling to help YOUR dd with developing the tools she's going to need in dealing with a world of people who don't/won't know what makes her tick and are unknowing of or unwilling to take the time to speak her 'love language'? i only ask this b/c it's a point that our ds's therapists have driven home with us. we know exactly how to speak ds's language and while he was still in high school his teachers after spending time with him figured it out as well but as his therapist pointed out-the majority of his interactions in life are not going to be with people who have the time/interest in learning his language, and if he doesn't know how to be (for lack of a better term) bi-lingual in both his own language and those that the bulk of the human race speaks he may at minimum miss out on what could become meaningful social relationships/at worst-limit his opportunities/endanger himself by presenting in a social/educational/employment situation as inappropriately negative/hostile. it's not been ds's favorite thing to learn but i will say that since he learned some techniques he's become more self aware and as a result is becoming much more successful interacting with ourselves (HUGE difference) and others (something not nesc. the norm for young adults with his diagnosis).

again-what works for you child is best for her, i hope i did'nt offend-not my intention, just wanted to share what has helped us.

 

[Sabeking]

Does she treat others outside of your family that way , like coworkers, friends, significant others?

 

[PeeWee70]

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[Forevermarypoppins]

Just curious, do your daughters get along well. If they do, would the one daughter call out the other if she witnessed the bad behaviour? If they do not, does the mean daughter feel slighted? Someone with a personality disorder would feel this way even if it was blatantly not so.

 

[PeeWee70]

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[PeeWee70]

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[gotomu212]

There’s not a ton of context to go by here, but there is some interesting phrasing for how you describe your relationship with your daughter- it was hard to support her in her teen years, you sincerely enjoy your other daughter, your children were you everything. She sounds like she was successful in high school and post college, but you aren’t proud of those accomplishments, and almost resentful. This sounds like a child that maybe you loved but didn’t “like” and there’s some alienation and sibling comparison going on there still.

None of that is an excuse for being rude to someone, but there also seems to be a sense that you feel you are owed certain behaviors and a relationship and your daughter may view the relationship very differently. It’s perfectly fine to stop someone being rude to you by saying “I need to hang up now” or “no I can’t do that favor for you”, but at 26 and living in a different state you are well past the stage where you can make her act a certain way.

I am sorry you’re struggling with this.

 

[anneboleyn]

I am sorry you have to deal with that,@PeeWee70...it is hard to live your life walking on egg shells. I know it easier said than done, but I think it would be best to not deal with her unless it’s an emergency or she gets her act together and treats you with kindness/respect.

Family is just the other F word sometimes.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Honestly, she sounds a lot like my cousin. A couple family members have said that she is undiagnosed bipolar, but I don't think so. I think she's just gotten away with treating her mother (my aunt) like crap for so long and knows she can get away with it. She'll call her mom every name in the book (expletives) and then she'll come back around the next day like all is well. Probably some anger issues, but that's it. Extremely manipulative, too.

OP, I feel for you. You need to be firm and direct with her in saying that the way she talks and treats you is unacceptable. Then follow through. Don't compare her to her sibling, as that'll shift her focus and she might take it out on the sibling. If she continues the attitude, ignore her communication attempts or keep them extremely brief. There are those who are successful, but have been handed things in their life who now have a complex that the world owes them, when in actuality it owes them nothing. She's lucky she has a caring mother in her life when so many don't have that privilege. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and I hope it gets better soon!

Just a thought, but did you know there are different levels of bipolar? When we think of it we often think of the major type. There is a lesser, minor type, as well, and the symptoms can be subtle. There is also something called Cyclothymic Disorder, which can be similar, as well.

https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-disorder-forms

People may not even be aware they have these disorders if they've never been in therapy or diagnosed. Not saying this is the situation for your cousin, but it could be a possiblity if others are seeing things that you're not.