Parents are your adult children living at home? Adult children are living at your parents home?

[Colleen27]

I am curious how many adult children living at home are in the same situation. I am also curious if it is because the PARENTS can't let go or if it the adult child expecting it.

It is a mixed bag here. The adult kids all pay their own car insurance/repairs and cell phones but other than paying for the unlimited bandwidth add-on for our internet (because the boys' Xboxes are the only reason we need it), I don't ask them to contribute to household bills. I do the vast majority of the cooking at dinnertime but they often volunteer to get take-out for the whole family or cook a particular meal that they're craving. Breakfasts and lunches are every man for himself because I don't keep tabs on who is going to be home on which days any more, and the boys buy their own Hot Pockets or deli subs or other convenience foods to pack for work. But laundry is my line in the sand - all of my kids start doing their own in high school because it is probably my most-hated chore.

We went from 7 to 4 last year, then back to 6 during the pandemic lockdowns, and now down to 5 again, and I honestly didn't see a big difference in our expenses or my general workload. I'm ready for them to leave for other reasons - the boys, in particular, need their own space and are frustrated by my house rules at times - but it isn't a financial strain to have them here when things are normal because they're working and pulling most of their own weight (It very much was a strain on the budget and my sanity at the peak of the lockdown, when we were covering everything while they waited for unemployment to get approved and everyone was home 24/7).

Or how about the parents that pay for the college. Pay for grad school. Then before they know it, they are paying for a wedding. And now they are approaching their 60s and they still have a mortgage. Now they are babysitting because their grown children want to save money on daycare.

I know more than one of these people that are in this situation.

Some families are just more intertwined that way, though. Unless the parents are feeling taken advantage of, why does it matter if they choose to do more for their kids than you think they should?

 

[VandVsmama]

Moving back home is not an option for all people. Some parents make it very clear (like mine did) that you have to figure it out and you’re not moving back in, even if it means you have nowhere to live.

 

[elaine amj]

Some families are just more intertwined that way, though. Unless the parents are feeling taken advantage of, why does it matter if they choose to do more for their kids than you think they should?

I agree that if it works for both parties and there's a level of give and take, it works. But the point is in some families, it causes a financial strain on the parents to provide so much for their oblivious children. Then what do they (and their still dependent adult children) do when they can't work and earn anymore?

It's one thing to provide free childcare for your adult children. But how is it smart to subsidize their lives to such an extent that they get used to multiple luxuries they can't afford by themselves?

I have seen that in many families. In one, a 50yr old man still can't figure out how to put a penny towards savings (while living a pretty lux lifestyle). He didn't have to save for his kids' education or their (expensive) extracurriculars since his wealthy father paid for it all. What did he do with his money instead? Spend it on his own expensive hobbies.

In another, an adult daughter is married and lives on her own. Her parents provide free childcare and buys basically every little extra they have. If they need/want computers, toys, expensive winter coats, cute shoes, special blankets, and all those little things that add up fast, her parents buy all that.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I was really born into the wrong family. Lol.

At 19 my mom told me I had to move out or sleep in the living room because her and her new boyfriend (who she married very quickly) were moving to a one bedroom apartment. Then she told me that once I leave there’s no coming back, as if this were my choice.

I ended up moving in with my boyfriend because I could not afford to live on my own, we got married and we were divorced by 26.

My mother sees nothing wrong with anything she did and her motto is “I struggled in life. So can you. You’ll be fine.” I tell her she has PTSD from her own struggles and projected that on us. She honestly gets upset with some of her sisters because they allow their adult kids to live at home or go Back home in a time of need (I’m talking 22-23 years old) and my mom believes everyone should struggle and find their own way in life. My one cousin moved home during his time in the Police academy since he was only being paid a stipend and the stipend wouldn’t cover his expenses. He moved out within 3 months of graduating. My mom did not agree with this and made a few comments to me about it. It’s very disturbing.

My mother has never babysat for me or given me a dime in my life. She didn’t even give me a gift on my wedding day or help pay for a thing. Or even ask any questions. My grandma, her mom, bought me my dress and showed interest.

There needs to be a middle ground. 18 years old doesn’t mean your done bring a parent. But you also shouldn’t let your kids drain you dry.

 

[elaine amj]

There needs to be a middle ground. 18 years old doesn’t mean your done bring a parent. But you also shouldn’t let your kids drain you dry.

Ugh - that's awful that your mother chose to do all that. Pushing your kids towards independence is one thing. But she was pretty extreme

I'm trying to figure out the right balance myself. I pay DD19's tuition and school fees. She pays for her books, her rent, her food, cellphone, etc. Right now she needs a new winter coat (found a very nice Eddie Bauer one for $80), winter boots (we typically buy from thrift stores), warm blanket (prob $30ish?) and a few odds and ends.

She has lots of savings. But has set aside a slim budget for living expenses that don't really cover so many extras so I was debating buying it all for her (I filled her room with carefully chosen used furniture as a birthday present).

Hmmm...I think I just talked myself out of paying for most of that although the winter coat will be a nice Christmas present Her slim budget is obviously too slim if she can't afford all these life necessities and she has the savings to increase her monthly budget to pay for all this herself. This will be a better lesson to her on how much life costs rather than giving her too unrealistic a picture.

 

[Hisgirl]

I"ll speak for myself and all of my close friends. My two kids, both single and millenials, are living on their own. Both with significant others, one in a house they own and another is renting. All four are working, one just got a great job...two offers in the same day for a highly skilled job.

My best friend's sons. All three are on their own and working.

My other friend, both of her 20 somethings are home, but never left, sooo...

Another friend, her daughter is working and renting an apt, and other daughter is looking for a job and living with her mom.

Other friend, daughter working and renting, and other daughter working and just bought a house.

Next, daughter just got new job and is not at home.

Next, all four kids out of house, working, new jobs and renting.

Next friend, son, working and renting.

Next friend, working and renting.

Next, working and renting and just bought a house.

That's all for now. These are anywhere from the south, to D.C. to Europe, to other parts of the country.

 

[disneychrista]

She has lots of savings. But has set aside a slim budget for living expenses that don't really cover so many extras

If she NEEDS things her budget can’t afford that is what savings is for.

I do agree that these items could make great Christmas presents.

 

[mjkacmom]

If she NEEDS things her budget can’t afford that is what savings is for.

I do agree that these items could make great Christmas presents.

Unless she really needs the coat and location, by Christmas folks have been wearing coats for more than a month here.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Ugh - that's awful that your mother chose to do all that. Pushing your kids towards independence is one thing. But she was pretty extreme

I'm trying to figure out the right balance myself. I pay DD19's tuition and school fees. She pays for her books, her rent, her food, cellphone, etc. Right now she needs a new winter coat (found a very nice Eddie Bauer one for $80), winter boots (we typically buy from thrift stores), warm blanket (prob $30ish?) and a few odds and ends.

She has lots of savings. But has set aside a slim budget for living expenses that don't really cover so many extras so I was debating buying it all for her (I filled her room with carefully chosen used furniture as a birthday present).

Hmmm...I think I just talked myself out of paying for most of that although the winter coat will be a nice Christmas present Her slim budget is obviously too slim if she can't afford all these life necessities and she has the savings to increase her monthly budget to pay for all this herself. This will be a better lesson to her on how much life costs rather than giving her too unrealistic a picture.

Gift cards can be good for budgeting because it limits what she can spend. If she has a lot of savings the adult lesson is sometimes you gotta dip into the savings to pay for things, that is why you save money so you have a cushion when you truly need it. And it's also that it's not always the end of the world to dip into those savings either, seems like what we're talking about isn't some crazy spending shopping spree with money intended to be saved but rather a few odds and ends things that are normal.

Personally if she needs a winter coat I'd let her go buy it herself not for some grand lesson but if she needs one she needs one and at some point you don't keep turning to your parents mentioning what things you need, you just go buy it yourself.

 

[crazymomof4]

Yes! Our adult kids are home, but not due to Pandemic. Also, the parking situation on our block is nuts JUST due to the fact that there are SO many adult kids.... in some cases multiples.... living at home with parent(s) here. And of course they each have a car.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Or how about the parents that pay for the college. Pay for grad school. Then before they know it, they are paying for a wedding. And now they are approaching their 60s and they still have a mortgage. Now they are babysitting because their grown children want to save money on daycare.

I know more than one of these people that are in this situation.

Those things were all choices made by the parents though. You could pay for college or just portions of college (like tuition but not books, etc) but not grad school, you can contribute somewhat to a wedding (or not at all), you can babysit the grandbabies every now and then without being the only go to person.

But it's not cut and dried. For many there's a sense of obligation tied to it, they feel they have to do these things and that is a really complicated thing. Regardless even with obligation comes boundaries. It doesn't mean only living in extremes.

 

[elaine amj]

Personally if she needs a winter coat I'd let her go buy it herself not for some grand lesson but if she needs one she needs one and at some point you don't keep turning to your parents mentioning what things you need, you just go buy it yourself.

And that's why I have been trying to reframe my own thinking! So used to doing all the shopping and buying all that stuff for her. And she's used to it too. But certainly it seems to detract from the message that she is a fully self-sufficient adult. I LOVE how you framed it.

New rule of thumb - you don't keep turning to your parents mentioning what things you need, you just go buy it yourself.

She had no issues paying rent, buying textbooks, etc etc. But we are both having trouble shifting our mindset on all these little everyday things. So THANK YOU!

 

[DLgal]

I am curious how many adult children living at home are in the same situation. I am also curious if it is because the PARENTS can't let go or if it the adult child expecting it.

I can speak for my BIL because my MIL has spoken to me at length about the situation. He is now around 32 or something. He is the youngest of 3 kids, and was an "oops" baby so he is considerably younger than his older siblings.

My FIL passed away in 2009, right around the time BIL was beginning at an art school in another state. He had put off college for a couple years after graduating because he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Anyway, so his dad passed halfway through his first year, and he lost all motivation. He moved back home. At the time, I think my MIL appreciated the companionship, as well as having a "man around the house" to do maintenance. However, she was still working full time while he literally sat around doing nothing productive. He couldn't keep a job, but he took his inheritance (not a huge amount, around $25k) and blew it on a new car (which he didn't really need, as they still had 2 cars at the time.)

MIL kept paying for everything, but now her income had been slashed in half, basically, due to the loss of benefits her husband had been receiving (100% VA disability). She was barely making it, but paying a $400 cell phone bill every month (her oldest daughter was still on her plan too, don't get me started on that). However, she was basically in a trap where her son was struggling with depression (as was she) so she didn't want to "get tough" with him, so she just let it continue. 11 years later, she is still in the same situation, although to her credit she has pulled back financially a LOT. She let's him live at home rent free, but does not pay for anything else for him anymore. He has his own cell phone plan, pays his insurance, pays for his own groceries, etc. He does a LOT of chores around the house, so I think she likes that part, as she is approaching 70. She makes him work full time, and if he loses his job, she gives him 2 weeks to find another one or else she tells him he has to move out. He spent a year in an apartment, and it didn't work out with his roommates (all similar kids who still live at home). But at least now he has consistently been working for a few years. He works at a supermarket now. I honestly think he will live at home forever. I think at this point, the situation is a co dependent one and neither party is motivated to change it. I do wonder what would happen should he find someone and want to get married. That house is in no way large enough for a married couple and another adult. It's a tiny 1200 sq foot one story 3 bedroom house. There is no privacy there and the 2 bedrooms aside assure the master are like closets.

 

[HeatherC]

I agree that if it works for both parties and there's a level of give and take, it works. But the point is in some families, it causes a financial strain on the parents to provide so much for their oblivious children. Then what do they (and their still dependent adult children) do when they can't work and earn anymore?

It's one thing to provide free childcare for your adult children. But how is it smart to subsidize their lives to such an extent that they get used to multiple luxuries they can't afford by themselves?

I have seen that in many families. In one, a 50yr old man still can't figure out how to put a penny towards savings (while living a pretty lux lifestyle). He didn't have to save for his kids' education or their (expensive) extracurriculars since his wealthy father paid for it all. What did he do with his money instead? Spend it on his own expensive hobbies.

In another, an adult daughter is married and lives on her own. Her parents provide free childcare and buys basically every little extra they have. If they need/want computers, toys, expensive winter coats, cute shoes, special blankets, and all those little things that add up fast, her parents buy all that.

But it is still their choice to do whatever they see fit for their family. It may not be the way I would want things, but that is up to them. There is no right or wrong because no one ever really knows what someone else is going through, etc.. To each his own.

 

[TheConsciousness]

I could totally imagine this poll being skewed by the age group definition. They were probably measuring 16-20 year-olds in the early 1900s. Doubt they are even using the new definition of young adult: 18-26 for this decade.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Michigan here. I have 3 kids all 21 and over. My youngest- 21 lives at home and works. She just bought a car and pays for that. That is her only expense. She and her BF will most likely get engaged and move out next yr to the other side of the state. My middle has been moved out for 3 years now, he is 24. He lived in a buddies basement and rented it and then earlier this year he and his GF got an apartment. Rent is about 1100 a month for 2 bedroom. He programs robots and makes a good living when he is working, which is tough right now but they are making it work. My oldest -26 - ,moved out about 2.5 yrs ago and he and his fiance bought the house they rented. He is a CNC operator and she is a hygentist. They get married in 10 days.

I think expectations need to be realistic when these kids are just starting out. My kids know they can come to us in a pinch and they know they aren't going to get a mcmansion making what they make or have the newest, shinest thing in their homes. They know they need to work for it and one day it will come.

 

[elaine amj]

@DLgal at least now it is more of a mutually beneficial relationship between your MIL and BIL rather than a grown man sponging off his mother.

 

[disneychrista]

Unless she really needs the coat and location, by Christmas folks have been wearing coats for more than a month here.

As I said that is what savings is for. When you need to make a purchase that your current budget won’t allow for.

I need to buy a new washer & dryer. Do I have an extra $1500 in my monthly budget? NO. But I have savings that I will have to use to make this purchase

 

[DLgal]

@DLgal at least now it is more of a mutually beneficial relationship between your MIL and BIL rather than a grown man sponging off his mother.

Yeah. I think the major shift happened when MIL retired a few years ago. Her income is essentially just social security and a tiny pension from her late husband, and she has NO room for extra expenses. She was a teacher but didn't teach in that state long enough to be fully vested in the pension system, so she also receives a small pension from that, but between the 2 pensions and social security, she is just getting by. There is literally no wiggle room and BIL knows it, so he has been working as much overtime as he can get. I really hope he is helping out with the household expenses at this point, but I haven't asked. He still very much acts like a child in many ways, and I think MIL is responsible for a lot of that, and I have told her as much. She doesn't disagree.

 

[KBoopaloo]

As a reverse to the question posed here, my parents are thinking of doing some major renovations to their house to make it more accessible as they age (they have also considered moving but have not found anything that has worked out yet) and if that happens they will come live with me for a while while the work is done. And this is basically always the way it works in our extended family.

Growing up both of my grandmothers lived with us for a time when they could not live on their own. My mom’s younger sister lived with us for a while before she got married. My parents were living with my mom’s parents when she was pregnant with me while my Dad fixed up their apartment (the rent was incredibly cheap because he was willing to do a lot of the work to make it livable). When they were both alive, my grandparents lived in a two family house with my grandmother’s sister living downstairs. I think culturally for a lot of families having an adult child living at home for some period of time is not unusual because you might have any family member living with you or near you at some time or another - none of my cousins moved directly out on their own after college (the oldest is 10 years older than me and the youngest is 17 years younger than me so a wide age range and all but one has a college degree and has always been fully employed) - everyone moved home for a bit, saved up, got their careers going and moved out. Some got married right away and moved in with their spouse, some ended up in roommate situations, some bought a house on their own. I have a second bedroom in my house now that is always open to a family member - my parents will likely use it if they do those renovations but any of my cousins or aunts or godchildren are also welcome to it if they need a place to stay for whatever reason. It’s just how we operate.

Yes, there are some circumstances where adult kids are at home leeching off their parents forever but there are a lot of situations that aren’t like that and are just how some families are. I get that the focus of the story in the original post in this thread was highlighting the increase in the rate of adult kids at home seemingly due to financial reasons which is not necessarily what I am talking about here but I think it is worth considering that there are more nuances to it than that for a lot of families.