Parenting/Budget Advice needed

[MrsPete]

First thought: What we're not hearing is WHY she isn't willing to talk about budgets.

- Does she see it as an attempt to control her?
- Is she afraid of failing at it, and she'd rather just not try?
- Does she not understand that this can help her long term?
- Does she not understand that she's been fortunate because you (and her grandparents) budgeted and saved?
- She's working with mortgages, so she must understand that having a nest egg is a positive thing -- doesn't she see how that could help her in her own life?

If you find out WHY she is so resistant, you may have better luck.

Second thought: Stop making it so easy for her. You've taken care of her education -- good for both of you. But now she's an adult in the work force, and it's fair for her to kick in something at home. Not a token amount either. You don't get to be an adult because of your age; you get to be an adult because you take on adult responsibilities. Working is part of that; paying your own way is another part.

Third thought: For what it's worth, my May 2020 graduate had a hard time finding a job too. We agree now that it would've been smarter for her to go straight to grad school, but we didn't understand how long a pandemic job-search without experience would be. She's working in her chosen field now and is off to a good start, but she was awfully low in those months of searching.

 

[crazylady]

She's an adult, let her figure it out. She can come to you if she needs advice (finance or otherwise)

 

[pfp258]

Both of my girls understood that after college they had a year to live at home expense free in order to save money. It was then expected they move out and start their own lives. We are always here for them, but children need to grow up and learn how to become adults. Too many helicopter parents out there.

 

[kuhltiffany]

Not your problem, if she's that smart she will figure it out.

 

[ashley0139]

I don't understand why parents are pushing their adult kids to save to buy a house. I see it all the time. That is not the end all be all, and paying rent to live on your own and be independent is not throwing your money away. At 22 it is smart to do that and not be tied down to a house you own. She could get a job or go to grad school anywhere. Think outside the box a little bit. There are a lot of advantages to renting. No maintenance, replacing the roof/HVAC, etc. Stop trying to make her do what you want her to do. Both you and your husband should back off and support her decisions, not be angry about them. Let her be an adult. She does not have to make the same decisions he did.

 

[FQLover]

@ashley0139 I agree! I would never have wanted to be tied down to a house in my early to mid 20s. I would not want my daughter to be, either. A rental contract ties you down, usually, to only 12 months. You are free to change cities/states, accept a distant job, travel, go to grad school, move in with a partner or with a small group of friends. Good budgeting habits and saving strategies help you whether you have a rent or a mortgage bill to pay each month.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

I don't understand why parents are pushing their adult kids to save to buy a house. I see it all the time. That is not the end all be all, and paying rent to live on your own and be independent is not throwing your money away. At 22 it is smart to do that and not be tied down to a house you own. She could get a job or go to grad school anywhere. Think outside the box a little bit. There are a lot of advantages to renting. No maintenance, replacing the roof/HVAC, etc. Stop trying to make her do what you want her to do. Both you and your husband should back off and support her decisions, not be angry about them. Let her be an adult. She does not have to make the same decisions he did.

In all fairness to the OP, she said she wanted her daughter to come up with a budget and save some money in order to have such options should she find she wants them. And yes, many people do it despite no savings, but it's certainly easier when you start with cash in hand.

If my daughter was making a good income and not saving money while living at home for free, I'd say she's not really showing responsible adult behavior and probably have trouble supporting her decisions as well. It sounds like OP and her husband want to stop paying her way but give her an opportunity to have her own money to fall back on instead of expecting them to fund her hardships should they arise.

Her opting not to take a great opportunity being offered to her that only requires a bit of delayed gratification, shows immaturity IMO.

That being said, I'd still let her go, but not without trying to talk some sense into her first!

(And I'm sorry OP - I'm not trying to insult your daughter with my response!)

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Ok I haven't read all the replies but I'd say moving out is the best reality check there is for young people. She will have to quickly learn to budget or they'll shut off her electric, cell phone, etc. No AC on a hot day will remind her to be more organized.
Even if you felt you did things the "right" way, keep in mind it's not the only way. Sometimes the lessons learned the hard way are the ones most appreciated. As parents, we can tell a 3 year old to not touch a hot stove but eventually they do and as I say, learning the hard way sticks in their mind much more than mom & dad pleading.

 

[Disneyfan754321]

It's really hard I know !
Our son actually is buying a small house.
He has two roommates, the rent they pay actually covers the mortgage.

 

[808blessing]

I didn’t buy a house until my late 30s and on track to pay it off by 55, God willing. My husband doesn’t make much but we contribute equally. My (single) mom never once bugged me to buy a house when I became an adult. For me, I rarely entertained the thought of buying. Many years of renting different places was fun (kept wanting to live alone bc I liked independence and at other times living with another to save money) and I somehow wasn’t stressed. Probably because I had a stable job and active social life. I think finally meeting my spouse and wanting to get married kicked me into gear to wanting to own.

My mom and my dad didn’t own until just before I did. They didn’t have real savings for a long time and neither did I. It was up to me to figure it out. All of it. That said I am very conservative with my spending, with a budget for everything. I wouldn’t have wanted my parents to ask me and help me with my adult budgeting unless I came to them.
One thing that might help is if you ask her if she would like to see your budget and share that way. Also changes of how it looked before and now. I remember my mom doing that when I was in high school when we were very broke (I don’t use that term except to describe OUR situation because that is exactly how it felt.) I believe it was one of the things that made my brother and I practical about tracking the cost of things and value.

 

[Eastern]

If she wants to go, you have to let her go. However, I wouldn't help her at all with security deposits, buying things for the apartment, etc., but I would make sure she's aware of all the costs associated with moving out. She may figure out she needs to save before she can go.

It sounds like it has gotten a little confrontational. Personally, I would get excited about apartment hunting and furniture buying and all the expensive stuff she doesn't realize she's got to look forward to (lol). Turn it around. Get on her side, but don't foot the bill.

That's what I did. First I was cautionary, but when they insisted on their own place I was excited for them and helped them look, giving them tips. Once they were installed, I did not offer financial help. Also no 'I told you so's' after the fact; they know you told them so.

 

[LovesTimone]

Let her go... It will be the best thing for the all of you...

So she is going to get an apartment... Great... more power to her... she is adult and apparently a very smart one if she has 2 degrees...
So let her fly, and give her a push if necessary... You and your husband did your job... It's time to let her go...

When I moved out, my parents were nice they let me have my bedroom furniture, but they did not have to... so that is up to you whether you let her take the furniture that you and your DH paid for... My mom and dad gave me 100.00 gift card for Publix, and my granny did the same from Wal-mart... so that I would have the basic's to set up housekeeping as my granny said..
My grandmother gave me a set of dishes and some pots and pans, just some extras that she had, and extra set of sheets, and some towels and my granny gave me a crock pot that I used for over 25 years before it finally gave up... My mom's cousin was moving into her house that she built and had a living room set - couch, love seat, chair, and a couple of end tables that she was getting rid of and asked me if I wanted it... which I gladly took... while not the prettiest set out there, it was really good quality, and very comfortable...and I did offer to pay for it... she also gave me her stack-able washer and dryer... which I was so happy to get, as it would save me 75 dollars on rent, because I did not have to have pay extra for the complex to put one there's in the apartment... I did not have a table for about 4 or 5 months, a girl at work posted that they were having a estate sale from her grandma house... I went and bought the breakfast table and chairs... a small dresser, and book shelf a few other items. I spent 150.00 dollars which was alot of money then, her mom gave me the family discount... I had friends that went out and bought all new stuff, and used Credit cards... and kinda made fun of me and my hand me downs... and they never had any money to go anywhere or do anything... and I could afford a new outfits, and could afford to go places... Like WDW.... Not saying that I did not use CC... before I used it I would sit down and figure out if I could pay it off the next month or if I would have to carry a balance for a couple of months... some decisions I would have to deal with. Like when my transmission went out my my car, or you need new tires...

Please for goodness sake, don't help her furnish her apartment, with all new stuff that you and your husband pay for... Let her do it on her own, she has to learn to stand on her own two feet... think about what would happen to her, if you were not there to do everything for her...

When my DD moved out with her boyfriend who now is her husband... I was so worried and scared for her... my DH and I did basically the same things, that my parents did for me... I won't lie it was hard to see those boxes going down the hallway... and I had a good cry afterward... My DD is very good with money, and she is a saver, you might even call her cheap at times... and I knew she would be the money person in the relationship.. They are doing great....

 

[hsmamato2]

I am at my wits end with this , so I thought I would throw this out to all of you, and see what worked for you.

. Yes, I know she is spoiled, but she is a very hard worker and good kid overall. She has been avoiding the budget talk for a few months now, and gets angry whenever I bring it up. I have suggested why not try and send out resumes again in her dream fields, since jobs are more available now, but she has been bitten by the money bug. She has now decided to get an apartment, to be on her own, instead of living with mom and dad and saving up her money,

Well..... why not let her go live her life? I cannot imagine trying to control my adult childrens lives this way...and I encouraged them to move out/on when they were financially ready to care for themselves. They're adults! When I was 21, I had NO desire to live at home with my parents- I preferred my $225 a month apt. and my freedom. I mean, you paid for her extensive schooling, but as an adult she gets to choose how to use that education,and make her own choices. Let her go live her life.

 

[hsmamato2]

I want her to set up a budget; my DH and I were going to have her pay rent, but setting aside and giving back to her when the time came. She does pay for her phone and car insurance for her paid in full car.

NO. This is what you do when they're CHILDREN,to help them learn how to budget. She's and ADULT now..... She should be paying for her ENTIRE life by now! That's what adults do! (and if something happens, parents are a good fallback in case of emergency)

 

[jo-jo]

I am just worried that she will blow all her money, something will happen and need us to bail her out, which I do not want to do.

Isn't that what you are doing now? She blows all her money and you are bailing her out with a rent free place to stay.

In my life, two days after high school graduation, I started working and starting paying to live at home. Any car bills, whatever (no cell phone waayyyyyy back then) was on me.

Our kids, we paid for collage/tech school, they started working and they starting paying us and any personal bills, (car/ phone/ etc) was on them. What they gave us was maybe 1/5 of living out on your own, but it we weren't out to make money, just to not have them live here free.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

Side note: People really cannot compare what they were able to do with what young adults now are able to do.

When I was 18 and DH was 21, we could EASILY afford to support ourselves on entry level salaries with no college degrees. Those exact same jobs today pay only about 50% more than they did in 1992 yet rent on the apartment we had has tripled. We lived on $40/wk for groceries and had meat every night and fresh fruit and veggies along with some convenience foods for busy nights. Pretty sure that budget would have to be doubled if not tripled.

 

[KittyKitty]

Also no 'I told you so's' after the fact; they know you told them so.

I still can hear my mother say" Save, even if it's a little"

 

[dez1978]

This isn't necessarily an answer to the OP question., but something this thread made me think of. Having lost my parents so young, I really don't get a lot of what parents do for their young adult kids these days. In an earlier comment I posted that my dad died when I was 14 and my mom didn't make much. So while I did get an $800 car when I turned 16, I had to pay all the gas and insurance on it. I waited tables at a golden corral my jr and sr year of high school and pretty quickly realized I made more getting paid $2.13/hr plus tips than my mom did at her full time job. So from then on, other than bdays or christmas, I bought all of my clothes and shoes and everything else teenage girls want. When it came time for my sr band trip to Washington DC, I saved and paid the $600 for that and all of my spending money. I paid for my prom dresses and senior photos. Not because my mom told me I had to if I wanted to do those things (other than the car) but because I'd realized she had enough on her plate just trying to pay the bills. So when I was 18 and wanted to move out, I already understood saving for things I wanted and paying bills. I bought my 1st house when I was 19, with the thought of having somewhere she could come live if she needed to. Unfortunately, she died the day before we (my now husband) closed on the house. Now I hear my friends talking about taking their 18 yr old kids to dr appts, or making those appts for them, or allowing them to live for free at their house for years after high school, it's just so weird to me. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying I can't fathom needing your parents to do that for you or that being the norm. Heck, even having kids on your insurance after college seems odd to me, even though I totally understand why parents do that for their kids. I just can't understand being that dependent on your parents as an adult.

 

[4luv2cdisney]

This isn't necessarily an answer to the OP question., but something this thread made me think of. Having lost my parents so young, I really don't get a lot of what parents do for their young adult kids these days. In an earlier comment I posted that my dad died when I was 14 and my mom didn't make much. So while I did get an $800 car when I turned 16, I had to pay all the gas and insurance on it. I waited tables at a golden corral my jr and sr year of high school and pretty quickly realized I made more getting paid $2.13/hr plus tips than my mom did at her full time job. So from then on, other than bdays or christmas, I bought all of my clothes and shoes and everything else teenage girls want. When it came time for my sr band trip to Washington DC, I saved and paid the $600 for that and all of my spending money. I paid for my prom dresses and senior photos. Not because my mom told me I had to if I wanted to do those things (other than the car) but because I'd realized she had enough on her plate just trying to pay the bills. So when I was 18 and wanted to move out, I already understood saving for things I wanted and paying bills. I bought my 1st house when I was 19, with the thought of having somewhere she could come live if she needed to. Unfortunately, she died the day before we (my now husband) closed on the house. Now I hear my friends talking about taking their 18 yr old kids to dr appts, or making those appts for them, or allowing them to live for free at their house for years after high school, it's just so weird to me. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying I can't fathom needing your parents to do that for you or that being the norm. Heck, even having kids on your insurance after college seems odd to me, even though I totally understand why parents do that for their kids. I just can't understand being that dependent on your parents as an adult.

Hmmm...Well, I was in a similar boat as a teen / young adult and I would rather see them have the security that I did not.

While DH and I could provide the basics as a young couple in an apartment, things like savings and home buying and raising children were not always so easy. We started with zero and had no safety net (family to fall back on or nest egg of our own). The losses and struggles I encountered so young contributed to my lifetime of chronic stress and anxiety that I still battle today despite now having a relatively comfortable lifestyle and being on the path to possibly an even better lifestyle in retirement. While I'm somewhat proud of what we built, I simply don't see it as very easy to replicate today under similar circumstances.

We definitely encounter those that choose to pass judgment on our daughter for being 22 and not yet fully launched. Whatever. Her mental health, happiness and future stability mean more than proving herself to some snooty boomers! lol

I've posted it on another thread but maybe not here, our D pays her own personal expenses and has the choice of paying us rent or paying herself rent. She chooses to pay herself. And she's not living in the basement playing video games all day as is the stereotype it seems. If she suddenly gets lazy, the rules change.

Also, want to point out that I see a lot of replies of "we did this or that ourselves" are a "we" statement. I was married young as were a lot of people I knew at the time. In our circle, only a small number of people went away to college vs just getting a job or getting a job and going to community college, etc. and despite the different choices, most of us ended up doing fine. I had both of my children in my 20's. Today, the average age to marry is rapidly approaching 30, starting a family is more common in your 30's, and a bachelors degree is becoming (I'd say has become) the new HS diploma.

So, I stand at it's not an apples to apples comparison. Add in the pandemic for the kids graduating last year / this year and I think it's completely understandable for them to be at home until their mid-20's (or beyond if it's working for them and their family).

 

[Eastern]

This thread is timely for me as my youngest recently moved out and just got his first electric bill. Needless to say he is turning his thermostat higher, lol. You can say til you're blue in the face, 'you might want to turn that down, it's chilly in here', but it won't hit them like a real bill will.

I am also aware that it really is harder for younger people to get started on their own nowadays. Prices have increased and salaries have not kept pace. I still help my kids out here and there but it's a good education for them to take that first step and I'm glad I'm still around to give advice when they want it. Plenty of kids move back home after that first try so don't be surprised if that happens, either.

I don't think this thread is about helping your kids vs not helping, it's more about letting them do things you don't necessarily agree with when they are adults because it's a good learning experience, however it works out.

And boy this is a first for me as usually NO ONE asks for 'parental advice' and people like to give it anyway.