Opinions, please--paying for brother to attend funeral

[QueenIsabella]

Okay, I talked to my sister. She actually had her husband talk to B, probably easier for her. He just said he was too broke to come, didn't ask for money, end of discussion (with him). She has no interest in paying for B to come to a funeral or memorial. He made her miserable when he was in the US for our mom's funeral--pulled stunts like throwing out her furniture while she was at work, because it didn't meet his standards.

I floated the idea of cremation, she's considering it. I'm looking at it from the perspective of, if she wants a funeral mass, I'm fine. I'll sit through it, more to make my sister feel more at peace.

I've gotten the landlord's phone number. I'll call him tomorrow, see if I can get more of a feel of how D is doing, how he's been the last few years, etc. By the way, Sis and I can afford to provide a funeral and burial for D--it wouldn't be a hardship for either of us. And we want to do right by D. He's had his struggles, but we never stopped caring about him.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Per the OP:


I gave my opinion. Not up to you to say I can’t.

Yup and likewise that would be giving my opinion on your opinion

 

[Chili327]

I would tell people he chose not to attend and leave it at that. If he cared, he would come. He doesn’t care.

This. ^
If he wanted to, he could find a way.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I think this is the kind of moment that calls for grace and a setting aside of past troubles. My aunt made a similar call on not helping my father come home for my grandmother's funeral, and honestly, my grandmother would have been appalled at the way it was handled. It felt so petty, to be angry about my father's lifestyle/choices at that moment. Yes, my father was a deeply troubled man who spent years isolating himself from his family, but there was no question of affording the plane fare and no doubt that it is what their parents would have wanted/expected (and would have done, if they'd been able to do so).

I think it is particularly interesting that you're willing to set aside judgment of the addict brother in order to see him properly buried, but are conflicted about extending the same spirit of forgiveness to the living brother for his own shortcomings. It can be easier, of course, to forgive the dead because they can't disappoint us any further, but some moments and some experiences call for setting aside past hurts and dramas, if only temporarily.

The difference, for me, having known them both for 60 years or so, is this:

D is a good person with an addiction who pulled away from his family out of shame.

B is NOT a good person, who doesn't choose to see his family because there's nothing in it for him.

You might be able to see them both similarly, and be able to set aside judgement in both cases. I'm not willing to do that, and I can live with my decision just fine. In this particular case, I'm more worried about doing right by my sister, who is the nicest person you could meet, and doesn't deserve the headache and drama.

 

[Colleen27]

The difference, for me, having known them both for 60 years or so, is this:

D is a good person with an addiction who pulled away from his family out of shame.

B is NOT a good person, who doesn't choose to see his family because there's nothing in it for him.

You might be able to see them both similarly, and be able to set aside judgement in both cases. I'm not willing to do that, and I can live with my decision just fine. In this particular case, I'm more worried about doing right by my sister, who is the nicest person you could meet, and doesn't deserve the headache and drama.

No, after reading through the additional info you shared, I think I'd be right there with you in not wanting to go out of your way for someone so ungrateful. Between all the stress your sister is already dealing with and B's past actions, I can 100% understand not inviting more aggravation into such a difficult time.

I hope you're able to get some insight from D's landlord into his later years, and that the news you get is comforting. My father's landlady was a surprising comfort and reassurance when he passed; she spoke so fondly of him and it was nice to hear that in his last years, at least, he'd finally gotten clean and away from some of the worst choices his demons drove him to and found some sort of peace among brothers (he died in a residential VA placement).

 

[Kimkimba]

I’m sorry for all you’re going through. Hugs.

Based on everything you’ve said about B - NO WAY would I pay for him to come.

I was never super close to my siblings (I’m way younger), I was close to my parents but they both died when I was in my 20s and 30s. I rarely see my siblings and they aren’t part of my life. I’m happier that way for several reasons. On the other hand, I consider my husband’s family my own and am close to them.

 

[Suger Mag]

consider doing a zoom funeral feed. One of my friends recently died suddenly, friends and family scattered all over, they did a simple cremation and then had a zoom option in the memorial, so folks could tune in if they wanted from afar and share in the ceremony. Also could record their own memorials for others to listen to etc.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Okay, I talked to my sister. She actually had her husband talk to B, probably easier for her. He just said he was too broke to come, didn't ask for money, end of discussion (with him). She has no interest in paying for B to come to a funeral or memorial. He made her miserable when he was in the US for our mom's funeral--pulled stunts like throwing out her furniture while she was at work, because it didn't meet his standards.

I floated the idea of cremation, she's considering it. I'm looking at it from the perspective of, if she wants a funeral mass, I'm fine. I'll sit through it, more to make my sister feel more at peace.

I've gotten the landlord's phone number. I'll call him tomorrow, see if I can get more of a feel of how D is doing, how he's been the last few years, etc. By the way, Sis and I can afford to provide a funeral and burial for D--it wouldn't be a hardship for either of us. And we want to do right by D. He's had his struggles, but we never stopped caring about him.

He made his choice not asking. If he wanted to come, he'd have made the financial ask. Instead, it was his excuse. Now, you can feel completely at peace with him not coming.

Hugs, prayers, and thoughts your way as you deal with this difficult time.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Your Brother D is gone, God rest his soul. He will have no idea if Brother B is in attendance or not. It doesn't matter if Brother B is not there. If he wanted to come, he would go to the bank and take out a small personal loan. You find a way to do things when you really want to. I wouldn't give him a dime.

Go to the funeral with your sister and mourn your brother without any guilt.

 

[Pink Partridge]

He made her miserable when he was in the US for our mom's funeral--pulled stunts like throwing out her furniture while she was at work, because it didn't meet his standards.

I must be a very harsh human being, because I would disown someone for doing this to me. And, if possible, have them arrested.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I can understand your feelings, but I would ask if your mother was alive would she have helped your brother with airfare? If the answer is “yes” then I would do the same. Think of it as honoring your mother and not supporting a mooch.

Why not break the cycle of enabling? Perhaps it's why her brother continues to mooch. Break the cycle.

 

[ronandannette]

...You might be able to see them both similarly, and be able to set aside judgement in both cases. I'm not willing to do that, and I can live with my decision just fine. In this particular case, I'm more worried about doing right by my sister, who is the nicest person you could meet, and doesn't deserve the headache and drama.

Well then, it seems like you’ve got things sorted and decisions have been made based on your own unique thoughts and feelings. Good. Like I said up-thread, there really is no wrong thing to do here. Now that the decision has been made I hope you sisters can put it behind you and continue to support each other through this next difficult bit. And I pray that you and your sister will have moments of sweeter memories of your older brother, and know that everybody grieves differently, even if they don’t grieve much at all.

Although your family is not how you may have wished, take comfort from strong bond between you. You ARE the family now.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

he would go to the bank and take out a small personal loan.

He's international so that would depend on the laws and how it is set up in whatever country they are living in.

 

[disykat]

I would do a small private memorial with cremation or burial. My dad died during the pandemic and honestly it ended up being a relief and a blessing to keep things small. Dad would have loved it because it would have been reminiscent of his childhood and his lakeside baptism. It has changed our plans about what to do when mom passes.

It may sound cold, but I would offer to zoom your brother in. Life has changed in the last few years, and so has the way we handle deaths.

 

[disneydentist]

Private service and burial. Eliminates any and all questions/nonsense with cousins or any others.

 

[TLSnell1981]

The difference, for me, having known them both for 60 years or so, is this:

D is a good person with an addiction who pulled away from his family out of shame.

B is NOT a good person, who doesn't choose to see his family because there's nothing in it for him.

You might be able to see them both similarly, and be able to set aside judgement in both cases. I'm not willing to do that, and I can live with my decision just fine. In this particular case, I'm more worried about doing right by my sister, who is the nicest person you could meet, and doesn't deserve the headache and drama.

You have given this careful consideration and are respecting your sister's wishes in making this decision. You've all done the best you can under the circumstances. Hopefully you can now focus on what's most important at this time.

I am so sorry your family is dealing with so much. Prayers for peace, comfort and healing.

 

[Suger Mag]

I would do a small private memorial with cremation or burial. My dad died during the pandemic and honestly it ended up being a relief and a blessing to keep things small. Dad would have loved it because it would have been reminiscent of his childhood and his lakeside baptism. It has changed our plans about what to do when mom passes.

It may sound cold, but I would offer to zoom your brother in. Life has changed in the last few years, and so has the way we handle deaths.

Zoom is realistic, many people cannot simply pack up travel across country or internationally at a moments notice, flights can be outrageous at the last minute, nevermind if you work a job that taking sudden time off is not easy. Zoom allows folks to share and be part when otherwise it would be prohibitive or an undue hardship

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Zoom is realistic, many people cannot simply pack up travel across country or internationally at a moments notice, flights can be outrageous at the last minute, nevermind if you work a job that taking sudden time off is not easy. Zoom allows folks to share and be part when otherwise it would be prohibitive or an undue hardship

It was early in the pandemic but we watched a zoom wedding (it was out of town, unknown covid stuff, costs as it was over Labor Day, etc). A funeral is different of course but it's doable and at least something if that is wanted.

 

[Suger Mag]

It was early in the pandemic but we watched a zoom wedding (it was out of town, unknown covid stuff, costs as it was over Labor Day, etc). A funeral is different of course but it's doable and at least something if that is wanted.

I can understand it can be "delicate" but I think it can be done nicely.... my friend had a zoom memorial, there was no 'funeral" with a casket or viewing, but a memorial ceremony where folks sang and shared remembrances, that was what was zoomed out and made available for folks to contribute virtually if they wanted

 

[LuvOrlando]

OP, it is good that you and your sister had a meeting of the minds and can put this extra worry away. It is important that you are your sister find a space where you can peacefully celebrate the parts of your brother which endear him to you as he moves through the end of his life. Sending you wishes of peace as you let the other noisy stuff go